by T. T. Kove
‘He’s not a doctor of mentally ill patients though.’
‘But he still deals with them from time to time. They come into the A&E too, after all.’
True. I would’ve gone to the A&E if I hadn’t already talked to my GP. Or if it’d been too late, if she’d been gone for the day. I was lucky she’d managed to get me a place at the centre before the end of the workday.
‘I miss you,’ I told him. ‘I wish you were here.’
‘You don’t wish I was there right now,’ he teased. ‘Or do you have some secret fantasy of being in bed with both Glenn and me?’
I flushed at that. ‘What? No. I mean—just, generally. Wish you weren’t so far away.’
‘I know, babe. And soon. If you can’t leave this month, there’s always the winter holidays next month. I’m coming home if you’re not already here.’
That was still over a month away. Did I really have to stay here that long?
‘It takes time, treatment,’ he said in a low voice. ‘It isn’t done in a day or even a week, or a month. But they might transfer you to treatment here though. Then again, if you’re dropping out of uni, maybe here isn’t the best place for you to be?’
My heart started hammering in my chest. ‘You mean I should just stay here?’
‘Yeah. Alex... you like it better back home. Here you could hardly leave the flat. You didn’t, on your own. You always needed me or Glenn to give you a shove. At least back home, you can go out. You’ve got Ben and Jørgen there. And Leo and Thomas. And for now, also Glenn.’
‘But he has to leave eventually too.’ I didn’t want anyone to leave. I wished everyone would stay right here and everything could go back to how it used to be. Back when we were in school. That’d been good. I’d liked my life then. It was when everyone uprooted to start higher education I couldn’t deal anymore. ‘I can’t—I have to stop being so dependent on the both of you. I know this, but it’s hard to do. You’re what keeps me going.’ That was the sad truth. Without Andreas, I would’ve been dead years ago. Without Glenn for the past month, I would’ve become a total agoraphobic recluse.
‘I know. It’s not the healthiest thing, but... as long as you’re in treatment and you get your depression under control, we don’t mind being your crutches.’
‘My crutches...’ That’s what they were, right? I’d never used that word before though. ‘I want to—’
There was a series of rapping knocks on the door.
‘Glenn? Are you in there?’ a feminine voice spoke from the other side.
I froze. That could only be Glenn’s mum. And what if she came inside and found her son in bed with someone who wasn’t his boyfriend?
Chapter 9
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
‘What was that?’ Andreas asked.
‘Glenn’s mum’s at the door,’ I whispered into the receiver. ‘Shit.’
Andreas, the arse, started laughing. ‘Is she coming in? Is she going to catch you two naked in bed together?’
‘I don’t know.’ I couldn’t remember if we’d locked the door or not.
‘Glenn!’ More incessant knocking.
I rolled over to find Glenn still asleep. How could he sleep through my entire conversation and now his mother knocking on his door?
‘Hey.’ I prodded him. ‘Glenn,’ I hissed. He groaned and rolled away from me. ‘Oh, no, you don’t.’ I shook him for real this time. ‘Glenn.’
More knocking. ‘Glenn, seriously, answer me!’ And then she pushed the door handles down... And the door didn’t budge.
He’d locked it. Thank fuck.
‘What?’ Glenn finally opened his eyes, blinking at me.
I pointed at the door, where his mother knocked again.
He groaned again and pushed up so he sat on the bed, dragging his hands through his hair. ‘Yeah?’ he called louder so his mother would hear him.
‘What’re you doing?’
‘I’m sleeping.’
‘Why are you sleeping in the middle of the day? And with your door locked?’
He shouldn’t have told her he was sleeping. Even I could tell that. Sleeping during the day wasn’t bad in and of itself, but when you were clinically depressed and previously had tried to kill yourself in this very room, then yeah... it wouldn’t look too good for her.
Glenn shook his head, probably to wake himself up. ‘I fell asleep watching a movie. It’s no big deal. What is it?’
‘Dinner’s done in five minutes.’
I was still clutching my phone to my ear, and while Andreas was quiet, I could hear cars driving by and then his trainers on gravel. Maybe he was home soon.
‘Yeah, I’ll be up soon.’ Glenn glanced over his shoulder down at me.
I stared up at him with wide eyes.
‘Okay,’ his mother said from the other side of the door. ‘But Glenn? Please don’t fall asleep with your door locked. I’d feel much better if you didn’t lock it at all.’
‘Yeah, yeah.’ Glenn stared at my phone now, attention clearly not on his mum anymore.
‘Okay. See you upstairs.’
We both waited until she was out of earshot, listening for her steps and the creak of the floor.
‘What’s going on?’ Andreas asked in my ear. ‘Did she come in?’
‘No.’ I breathed out. ‘No, we’re good.’
Glenn cocked his head curiously.
‘Andreas,’ I told him, unnecessarily pointing at my phone. Like he didn’t get it was Andreas I was talking to. ‘Can I call you later?’ I asked him then. ‘Glenn’s got to eat dinner and I thought I’d go see Leo and Thomas.’
‘Okay. Later. Love you.’
‘Love you too.’ I met Glenn’s eyes as I said that, and he smiled slightly. I put my phone down and sat up too. The duvet fell down to pool in my lap.
‘Want me to drive you?’ Glenn scooted closer, one hand cupping my neck as he kissed me.
‘It’s, what, a ten-minute walk? I think I can manage.’ I kissed him back, sliding my lips slowly over his. ‘Besides, you’ve got dinner in less than five minutes.’
He sighed, then sat back and ruffled his hair. ‘Yeah. Shit. How long’ve we been sleeping?’
‘Don’t know.’ I shrugged. ‘I woke to my phone vibrating on the floor.’ I leant over to get my boxers and wriggled into them.
‘Shy?’ Glenn asked with raised eyebrows, watching how I kept the duvet around my lap.
‘Not... Really. Just... yeah. I don’t know. Your mum almost came in here.’
He laughed. ‘What does that have to do with anything? She didn’t come in. The door was locked.’
‘I couldn’t remember if it was or not.’ I got my jeans next and finally stood to put them on. ‘I thought she was going to come barging in and find me in bed with you, and then she’d think you were cheating on Nik like Sarah thought when she found out—’
‘Deep breaths, Alex.’ He stood too, stark naked, as he stooped to get his own underwear. ‘Mum didn’t bat an eye when I told her I was gay. I’m sure she could wrap her head around this too.’
I pulled my T-shirt over my head, then fixed a stare at him. ‘Do you really think people would be okay with it? With us? Being together and being with someone else as well?’
He licked his lips as he gazed thoughtfully at me. ‘It’s not exactly normal, what we have. And maybe people won’t get it at first, but as long as we’re happy, who the fuck cares about what anyone else thinks?’
To think I would hear those words out of his mouth.
‘Yeah, I get it, it’s ironic, isn’t it?’ He grinned wryly. ‘Who would’ve thought I wouldn’t care what people say? I used to be terrified of people thinking I liked guys. And now... I don’t know. I guess Nik’s rubbing off on me. Literally and figuratively.’ He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. ‘Back when I lived here, I never thought I’d get to where I am now. And some of those feelings come back when I’m here, with all the bad memories. But... all’s good really.’
I s
tepped in close to kiss him again. He was still in his underwear, while I was only missing my jumper and outerwear.
‘I don’t want anyone to find out accidentally again,’ I said when I drew back. ‘Sarah instantly thought the worst. Like, who wouldn’t? So I’d rather tell people before they find out any other way. I don’t want people to think the worst.’
His thumb stroke over my cheek. ‘If you want to be open with your friends, and if it’s okay with Andreas, it’s okay with me and Nik. Nik’s open about anything. He wants to be open about this too, but he understands if you don’t want to be.’
‘Sarah and Victor already know,’ I pointed out.
He only shrugged as he pulled on baggy joggers, then grabbed his T-shirt and pulled it on. ‘Ah, damn, we forgot the condoms.’ They were sticky messes on the floor.
I grimaced. ‘You should move the bin closer to your bed so you don’t have to throw them on the floor.’
He didn’t pick them up. Instead, he took my hand and reeled me in close.
‘I think your five minutes are up.’ I put my hands on his chest, not moving away. I liked being close to him, having his arms around me.
‘Yeah. I know.’ He kissed me anyway. ‘I should head up before she comes back down. She’s gets scared easily when I’m not where I’m supposed to be or don’t show up precisely.’
‘You can’t blame her for that.’ I stroked his pecs. ‘You tried to kill yourself. She clearly loves you, so of course she’s worried it’ll happen again.’
‘It won’t. I hope.’ He smiled. ‘I’ve got so many reasons to live now. And I’m not depressed at the moment, so there’s that. Haven’t been for almost a year, actually.’
‘Congrats. I wish I knew what it was like to not be depressed.’ I slid my arms around him, hugging him tightly.
‘You will, hopefully. With therapy and the right meds, you’ll get better.’ He pressed a kiss to my temple.
‘I hope so.’ I stepped back, not really ready to let him go, but knowing I had to.
‘You sure you’re okay walking on your own?’ His eyes flickered between mine. ‘I can drive you.’
‘You’ve got dinner waiting for you.’ I poked him in the chest. ‘Go spend time with your mum. Some fresh air will be good for me.’
‘I don’t know about good. The weather’s shit out there. The only thing you’ll feel is cold.’
I plucked my jacket up from the floor. We’d really made a mess of our clothes in our hurry to get naked earlier. ‘We didn’t get to eat any snacks either.’ We’d fallen asleep before we could touch those.
‘We can eat those tomorrow. Or the day after. Whenever.’ He dressed hurriedly as I zipped my jacket shut and put on my shoes. Trainers weren’t the best shoes at this time of year, but it was all I had so it would do.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow?’ I smiled at him.
‘Or later, if you want. I can drive you back.’
‘I’d like that.’ I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay here, naked in his bed, cuddled up and warm and sated after sex.
‘I can tell what’s on your mind.’ He playfully shoved me towards the window.
‘Because it’s on yours too, right?’ I teased right back.
‘Like minds think alike—or however, that saying goes.’ He drew me in for another kiss.
‘Glenn!’ his mother shouted.
‘You need to go before you worry her more.’ It was my turn to shove him towards the bedroom door. I turned the handle on the window and pushed it up.
‘Text me later?’ He watched me climb out, then came over to close it. ‘Whenever you have to go back, I’ll come to pick you up.’
‘Yeah.’ I leant in to give him one last, lingering kiss. ‘See you later.’
Chapter 10
I heard sounds from the kitchen as I entered the house. The door had been unlocked, and their cars parked in the driveway, so I knew both of them were home.
‘Hello?’ I called, wanting to announce myself so I didn’t walk into anything I shouldn’t. Not that I really thought I would, they weren’t the type of people to do anything explicit around the house. At least not as far as I knew. They hardly even touched each other whenever I, or anyone else, was around.
‘Alex?’ Leo filled the kitchen doorway, staring at me in surprise.
‘Is now a bad time?’ For a brief second, anxiety curled in my stomach that I wasn’t welcome.
‘What? Don’t be daft.’ Leo came over and actually hugged me. That didn’t happen often, but now he held me tight and he didn’t immediately let me go.
I put my hands on his back, anxious for an entirely different reason now. What if I smelled like sex? And sweat? It wasn’t like Glenn and I had showered after our two rounds in bed. We’d conked out instead.
‘So you’re feeling better today?’ He drew back and took me in from head to toe.
I nodded. ‘A little.’
‘Hey, Alex.’ Thomas stood in the doorway now, drying his hands on a cloth. ‘We’ve got more dinner if you’re hungry. I could heat it up for you.’
I nodded again, emotion clogging my throat so I couldn’t speak. I was welcome. They were happy to see me.
‘I’m sorry I missed Christmas.’ No matter what Andreas said, I couldn’t help but feel guilty.
‘Don’t be.’ Leo drew back but squeezed my shoulder. ‘What matters is that you get better.’
I nodded jerkily, bowing my head.
‘You look much better today.’ Thomas came over to squeeze my shoulder too. Now I was practically standing between them. ‘It was the medication, right?’
‘Yeah. I’m on new meds now. I think they work better. They don’t make me a zombie, anyway.’ Which was always good.
I hadn’t even known medication could make me worse than I’d already been. I did now and it was scary that those small pills had such an impact. What did the other ones do? The ones that didn’t make me a detached mess? They had to do something, seeing as they were all antidepressants. It couldn’t be good for the body, could it? But they were good for my mind, so I needed them. Glenn needed his. Maybe we needed them to function for the rest of our lives.
‘Seeing you like that... that was fucking scary, man.’ Leo motioned towards the kitchen and I preceded them in.
I sank down on a kitchen chair and rested my forearms on the table. I still felt tired, a bit sluggish. And I knew it wasn’t from the sex. That’d been reinvigorating when it lasted. Now I just felt like going to bed to sleep again. Maybe it was the walk over that did it. Was I in such bad shape I couldn’t even handle a ten-minute walk?
‘How’d you get here?’ Leo sat down next to me, body angled so he faced me. ‘I could’ve picked you up after work if you texted me.’
‘Oh, that’s okay, I’ve been spending time with Glenn.’
‘Glenn, huh?’ Thomas took a plate out of the fridge. It was covered with cling film, which he took off and then stuck the whole plate in the microwave. ‘How’s he doing?’
‘He’s doing great.’ The way he’d bounced back from his depression, that was what I wanted to happen to me too. I wanted to be like him. He’d gone from a suicidal mess who’d actually tried to kill himself, to being happy with his life.
‘He stayed back for you?’ Thomas leant against the counter now, facing me as he waited for the microwave. ‘He was supposed to leave with everyone else.’
I swallowed, nervous. I didn’t think I was a very good liar. The only reason Andreas hadn’t figured out I wasn’t at school, was because he was so busy with his own studies he never really asked. I didn’t want to lie to them either, but how could I explain whatever was going on? I didn’t even know if Andreas really wanted us to be out about this.
‘You alright?’ Leo touched my knee and I jumped in surprise.
‘Yeah. I’m good.’ I couldn’t look at them. ‘I’m kind of... seeing Glenn.’
‘What’d you mean?’ Leo frowned.
‘He’s sort of my... boyfriend. And An
dreas is too.’ The scare with Glenn’s mum was still fresh in my mind. What if Leo or Thomas caught us kissing or, worse, shagging? What if they just caught us flirting? We hadn’t exactly been covert about it at the supermarket earlier.
‘What about Nikolai?’ Thomas asked as the microwave beeped. He turned around to check on the food, then sat it for a little longer.
‘He’s Glenn’s boyfriend. Other boyfriend.’ I stared down at the table. ‘I know it’s weird. Sarah accidentally found out and thought we were cheating, but we’re not. Everyone knows. Everyone’s happy. And I don’t want any more misunderstandings. I’m not even sure we should tell people, but then if someone catches us they will think the worst too. So I guess you two have to know. And Ben.’
Ben would understand, right? Before he settled down with Tarjei, he’d spent years sleeping around. Not that this was like that. We weren’t sleeping around. He’d never been in a relationship before he gave in to Tarjei.
Maybe he wouldn’t understand at all. It was nothing at all alike.
‘It’s your life, Alex,’ Leo said, squeezing my knee now. ‘Whatever makes you happy.’
‘I am happy. With my love life. It’s just everything else that’s hard.’ How could my love life be so good but everything else so shit?
‘You’re still young, Alex.’ Thomas’s voice was calm, kind of soothing to listen to. ‘You’ve got all the time in the world yet to figure out the rest of your life.’
‘What if I never do? There’s literally nothing that makes me happy. Not living in Oslo, not studying at the university. There’s nothing else I can picture myself doing either. So I’m stuck.’
The microwave beeped again, and Thomas got a plate and cutlery and then set it all down in front of me. ‘Do you want anything to drink?’
‘Water, please.’ My throat was dry.
The food was pasta and sausages, with onion and bell peppers and broccoli in some kind of cream sauce. I used my fork to put all the broccoli on the side of the plate, then finally took a bite. It was good.
‘Are you sure everything’s fine between Andreas and you?’ Leo watched me worriedly.
