by T. T. Kove
I walked inside and completely ignored the ground floor. It was for the reception area and children’s books, so it held absolutely no interest for me. It was on the first floor that the teen and adult sections were situated.
I went over to the teen section first. It was located in a small room of its own, with a sofa taking up one wall and bookcases taking up the other three. The door was one of those big, heavy ones associated with bank vaults. This had used to be a bank vault, after all, but now I could sit on that sofa and read books.
My fingers ran over the old spines of the books. I’d read almost everything in here; anything that was older than three years, at least. One series, in particular, a huge series about kids who could turn into animals and were saving the world, had been one of my favourites during the last year of primary and through middle school. I’d devoured those books. I’d loved being in the heads of those characters and joining in their struggles, instead of thinking about my own.
The library gave me peace.
Even now, just standing here in an old vault staring at all the teen books I’d read growing up, I felt at peace.
I sunk down on the sofa as tears stung my eyes. I’d been so busy with other things the past few years I hadn’t been to the library. Glenn had dragged me to the biggest library in Oslo, but it didn’t have the same feeling as this one. It’d been too big. It’d had too many books.
This was my library. A small-town library of medium size. This was where I felt at peace. This was where I’d read almost every single fiction book they had in their possession.
Maybe this was where I was supposed to be. Maybe working in a library was the way to go for me.
Andreas had mentioned it back in November when he tried to help me figure out what to do. But I’d been too depressed to find joy in anything then.
Now...
Now I felt better. Not good, not by a long shot, but better. I’d take better any day.
I pulled my phone from my jacket pocket and googled library education. I had applied for library sciences in Oslo last year, but English studies at the university had been my top spot, so when I got in there, all my other choices had been void.
Maybe if I hadn’t chosen to put English as my top spot, if I’d chosen library sciences instead, I’d feel better about my future. But I’d thought I’d been miserable that whole first year of studies because Andreas was in the military. Studying English had been alright. Except it hadn’t been, not once I moved to Oslo, at least.
Applications started up on the fifteenth of February. I had to apply for at least library sciences then. I couldn’t go back to English. It wasn’t right for me. Even if I failed this year, if that was completely wasted, I still had my one-year study from Aarvik.
I clicked into my messenger app, dithered over keeping two different conversations going... and then just added both Andreas and Glenn to a group conversation instead.
Me: I’m applying for library sciences. I don’t know what else I should apply for, but I’m at least putting that on my application.
What else though? What else could I apply for? There were lots of interesting programmes, but none that I could really see myself doing anything with that would leave me content with it for the rest of my life.
There was also the pesky business of it having to be in Oslo, where both Andreas and Glenn were. It would be easier if I could apply all over the country, but I didn’t want to leave them. I couldn’t take another year apart from Andreas, and now I had Glenn to consider as well.
Then again, Oslo was the capital. The biggest city in the country. It had the most to choose from when it came to study programmes. Oslo pretty much had everything. My problem was that it was too big. The city was too big, there were too many people, the university was too big with its sprawling campuses and big lectures. Some courses could have up to three hundred students on them, and that... that was exhausting.
In Aarvik, though it was a big school, the classes were smaller. It was easier to get to know people (not that I’d gotten to know anyone except Viktor, and that was mostly his doing) and the professor. It was easier to be heard in smaller classes. I wouldn’t dare put my hand up in a lecture hall with hundreds of other students. But I could do it in a room with another twenty-something people interested in the same subject as me.
My phone vibrated two times and I turned it over in my palm to look at the screen.
Glenn: That’s great, Alex!
Andreas: Yeah, it is. But what made u decide? U didn’t seem keen on it back when we did that questionnaire.
Me: I’m at the library now and I remembered how good I felt here. How it was an escape from all the shit at home. So I thought, maybe working in a place like this would be nice.
I felt really stupid after writing that. I quickly bent over my phone to write another message.
Me: I don’t know. That’s a stupid reason for applying to a bachelor degree, isn’t it?
Andreas: That’s not a stupid reason at all, babe.
Glenn: Yeah. If the library makes you feel good, you should use that.
Andreas: English certainly didn’t make u feel good.
Me: It is interesting. I did like studying it. Just not in Oslo. I might’ve managed to finish the degree if I’d continued studying in Aarvik.
Andreas: What’s wrong with the study in Oslo?
Me: Too big. Too many people. It’s not the same. In Aarvik we were around twenty people or so. No more than thirty. The professors were really passionate about their subjects. Not that they aren’t in Oslo, but it’s so many students there. In Aarvik we got to know our professors better. They knew all our names. Hell, they asked the whole year out for pizza after we finished our exams. It’s nothing like that in Oslo.
Andreas: So... u don’t want 2 study in Oslo?
Me: Library sciences is in Oslo. The university college is the only place they have a bachelor degree specifically in library sciences. I could apply in Trondheim and Tromsø, for example, but those degrees are more towards archiving and such.
One could get a job in libraries with a degree in archiving, but I’d have a better chance with an actual library sciences degree. That degree sounded a lot more interesting as well.
Andreas: Hell, I don’t even know if I get 2 work in Oslo next year. I put that as my top choice, but they can choose 2 send me 2 another district.
Me: The first year of library sciences can also be taken as a course over the internet. I don’t technically have to be in Oslo if I get into that one.
I wanted to be with Andreas. Also, Glenn. But if Andreas had to spend the next year somewhere else, I wanted to go with him. Glenn was living with Nik, after all, so it wasn’t like they had any space. And if I could put only the first-year course on top of my application, I could apply for the second year of the bachelor the year after that. Andreas would be done with the Police Academy one year before I finished my bachelor’s degree, but we’d work it out somehow. We always did.
Chapter 18
Me: Glenn? What're your plans for next year?
Glenn: Same as this year. Nik’s doing one more year in Oslo come August, and the year after he wants to do a year in London.
London? Nik wanted to spend an entire year in another country? That probably meant Glenn would go with him. Glenn lived off of royalties, after all. He could follow Nik anywhere, whenever he wanted to.
Glenn: I actually figured I should do something as well. All of you are so damn focused on studies, I feel sort of bad just writing and working part-time in a sex-shop. Not much I can move up to from that.
Me: What do you want to do then?
Glenn: That I don’t know. Not university or any of that. Probably something that only takes a year. I can do it while Nik does his last year. That way I’m done and ready for London. Speaking of London, Alex, I thought you and I could take a trip there?
I blinked in surprise.
Me: London? When? Now?
Glenn: Soon. When you’re
ready for it.
Andreas: U should do it, babe. It would do you good to get away for a bit.
Andreas approved of me going on a trip with Glenn. Of me going out of the country with Glenn. Just the thought was exciting! But...
Me: I wish I could, but I can’t afford to go anywhere.
Glenn: Don’t worry about costs, it’s all on me.
Andreas: When r u done with ur treatment?
When was I done with treatment? I had no idea. I didn’t have any type of time schedule.
I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about Glenn paying for everything either. I didn’t like it, but it was also sweet that he wanted to.
Glenn: Alex?
Me: I feel bad. I’d love to go on a trip with you, but I don’t want you to have to pay for everything.
Glenn: I don’t have to pay for everything. I want to. I want to go to London and you’re available to go with me. I get company, you get away. We get to spend time together. Win-win.
Andreas: Say yes, Alex. I know u want 2.
Me: Okay! Yeah, I want to. I’d love to go to London with you, Glenn. But why London specifically if you and Nik are going there in a little over a year?
Glenn: I know a guy from online. I want to meet him. I was thinking we could go for a week. But not now, obviously, you need to be discharged and functioning on your meds and all that first.
Me: I think they’re starting to work properly. I feel better. Lighter, almost.
Andreas: That’s great, babe.
Glenn: See? Life isn’t as bleak as it was before Christmas. It gets better. It always does.
Me: How poetic.
Glenn: I try. Also, I know firsthand that it does get better, so you should believe me. I’ve been where you are.
Me: I know. And I am feeling better. I don’t know what happens after I’m discharged from the psych centre though.
Andreas: What do u mean? U continue treatment, right?
Me: Yeah, I guess, but as long as I’m not a patient there, I have to get someone else. The people who work there are there for the patients. Which means I have to get a referral or something to another psychiatrist or psychologist or whoever I have to see.
Glenn: Ah, yeah. I got that. It didn’t take long for me to get someone in town though. But then I was actively suicidal, so they probably looked at me as a huge risk who needed help immediately.
I stared at Glenn’s answer, hating that he’d been so far down and no one had seen it. If I’d known him better back then, would I have noticed something was off?
Maybe I should’ve realised it even if we hadn’t been close friends then. He’d waited for me out front at home, and he’d kissed me. And then he’d walked off not to be seen again for over a year.
I should’ve realised something was wrong with him. I’d fucking been there myself. If it hadn’t been for Andreas quite literally picking me up, I wouldn’t be here struggling today.
Me: I’m sorry I never noticed that summer, Glenn. I should’ve, better than anyone.
Glenn: Hey, we weren’t close. I’m not holding it against you, so you shouldn’t even be thinking about that. Stop worrying.
Andreas: Yeah, that’s ur problem, babe. U worry 2 much. Just stop.
Me: Everyone keeps telling me that.
Andreas: That means it’s true.
Glenn: Second that. I know it’s hard though.
Me: Especially now I’m here all alone.
Glenn: What do you mean?
Andreas: Yeah?
Me: No, nothing. It’s silly.
I couldn’t say it. I just couldn’t. I was being needy again.
Andreas: Spit it out, Alex.
Me: I just worry you guys figure out life’s better without me in it. Or... that we’re better off as friends. I don’t know. I just worry. I can’t help it.
Andreas: That we’re better off as friends? Or u and Glenn?
Me: Me and Glenn. I don’t want to be just friends.
Glenn: I don’t either, Alex, so fat chance of that happening.
Andreas: What’s that thing Nik said? There’s more than enough love 2 go around. I like that. It’s true.
I smiled down at my phone, drawing my lower lip in-between my teeth to gently bite down on it.
Me: I love you both.
There. It was said. Or written, anyway. I hadn’t truly said those words to Glenn yet, while I said them to Andreas all the time. Maybe too much. Maybe I was a little needy, hearing it back? I didn’t know and I didn’t want to ask, that would just be pathetic.
Andreas: Love u 2, babe.
Glenn: Yeah, Alex, I love you too. <3
They were two very different texters. Andreas usually didn’t have the patience to text a lot, hence his habit of shortening words. That he’d had this entire text conversation with me and Glenn was a big surprise. Glenn wrote in complete sentences like me, and he even added emojis from time to time, like now with the heart. Andreas could never be arsed with emojis. That was too much work when he already hated texting.
Someone stuck their head into the room, two teenagers from the quick peek I got at them.
Me: Got to go. L&T are probably home from work now. I’m having dinner with them today as well.
It was a regular occurrence, even if I was still technically an in-patient at the psych centre. Their food was better than the food I got there, and they were better company. They knew me, they wanted me around. With them, I wasn’t just the depressed guy in a sea of other mentally ill people.
I left the vault, spotted the two teenagers lurking by a shelf. When I was out of the room, they hurried inside. It was two teenage girls, who were walking close and giggling together.
I stopped as I gazed at the open vault door. The girls were inside, but I could see the last part of the bookshelf going over that whole wall. Were the books in there an escape for those two girls as well? Did they have shitty lives they needed to get away from and the books were their lifeline? Or maybe they were just normal, happy human beings who liked reading without something darker hidden behind it.
A librarian sat at the desk on the upper floor and she looked at me as I passed. I smiled and nodded, and she did too, and I stopped again. Backtracked. Stood in front of her desk.
‘Can I help you with anything?’ she asked with a smile.
‘I was just wondering... Is an education in library sciences necessary to work here?’
‘Not necessarily library sciences,’ she replied, just as friendly. ‘We prefer to hire people with either a pertinent education, like library sciences, but if someone doesn’t have an education but has the experience, that’s a big plus as well.’
I nodded. I didn’t have an education and I didn’t have experience.
‘Do you want to work in a library?’
‘Yeah. I’m thinking of doing library sciences in Oslo.’
‘That’s a good education.’ It was her turn to nod now. ‘You’ll rank high on a list of possible candidates with that on your CV.’
I already knew that from my googling, but hearing from an actual librarian felt loads better.
‘Thank you.’ With another smile and nod, I headed down the staircase, past the main reception area, and then was back out in the freezing January winter.
It was white outside now. Snow had started falling three days ago and now it was piled high everywhere but the streets. I was only wearing trainers, so snow wasn’t the best for me, but they would have to do. I didn’t have any other shoes here and I couldn’t afford to buy any. It wasn’t like I was outside often either, so I’d survive.
It was cold, but the snow made everything lighter and it was much better being outside now even in my trainers, than to endure the grey, dreary windy weather we normally had.
The clock on my phone was past four, which means Leo was likely already at home. I should’ve let him know I was at the library, so I could’ve hitched a ride with him, but as I hadn’t, I had to settle for walking. At least the pavements were salted a
nd mostly free of snow.
Walking would do me good anyway. Even if it was fucking cold.
Chapter 19
I sat on the veranda steps, huddled in my jacket, and watched the dogs play in the garden. Both were Spanish Galgos, which Leo had explained basically meant Greyhounds. They were smaller than the regular Greyhounds you saw used for races and a lot thinner. But even if they looked like walking skeletons with some skin on top, they could take a lot. They weren’t exactly careful and kind to each other as they played.
