by Ciana Stone
“Beckett…Cliff, please. Let this go. If you care for me, then let it go. Let me go. There can’t be anything between us. Ever.”
“You want me.”
“Yes,” she admitted. “I do.”
“Sexually.”
“Yes.”
“And that’s it?”
Roxie thought about looking him in the eyes and telling a lie, but something inside wouldn’t permit that. As much as she didn’t want to, she’d fallen in love with him and she couldn’t lie. She could walk away because she had to but not until she’d told him the truth. She saw that now. Only how was she going to speak of something she’d keep buried for so long, something that had altered the course of her life?
“Roxie?”
She braved a look at him and tears welled in her eyes. Brushing them aside with one hand, she took a deep breath. Time to face the music.
“No, Cliff. That’s not it. Not by a long shot. I love you. I hate it, but I do.”
“Roxie.”
“No.” She pulled free as he squeezed her hand. “Don’t. Don’t say anything. Please. You wanted the truth and you deserve that.”
She paused. Wanting to speak the truth and doing it were as different as night and day. Once she spoke, she couldn’t take it back. Once the next words were spoken there would be so many more words to follow, so much explaining to do.
Could she trust him to understand? Fear that he would not had her mouth dry and her body tense. She could lose him in the next two seconds.
And you never had him anyway if he can’t accept and understand, a little voice spoke in her head. Damn that voice anyway. Why did it always have to be right?
“Roxie?”
She met his eyes and sucked in a breath. “I’m married.”
Of all the things he’d expected to hear, those words were not on the list. “You’re what?”
“Married.”
“No you’re not.”
“Yes. I am.”
“No. You were born Roxanne Marie Ellis and…”
“I never took his name.”
Cliff let her hand drop. For a few moments they just stared at one another. Finally, he shook his head and walked past her to take a seat on the bed. “I had you investigated, Roxie. Nothing came up about a husband. Just a rigged card game and millions of dollars that vanished.”
This couldn’t be real. She wasn’t being honest. But why? A sinking feel took hold in his gut. Was this her way of brushing him off? But why say she loved him if she was going to drop a bomb like this?
“It didn’t vanish,” she replied. “And the game wasn’t rigged.”
“That’s not what I hear.”
“You’re getting the tale of the losers, Cliff. Men who’d cheat their own mothers to win. You think they’re going to admit that I cleaned them out fair and square?”
He hadn’t considered that. He should have. Particularly considering the men she’d bested. He’d played with them and not a one of them was above a little dirty dealing.
“Okay, so you beat them. What happened to the money?”
He saw the tears well in her eyes and the way her throat worked convulsively as she fought back emotion. “It’s being used to take care of my husband.”
There was that word again. Husband. He hated the sound of it. Jealously wasn’t an emotion he was familiar with or knew how to cope with. He’d not really experienced it in force until now and he wished he could make it go away because it was making his gut burn and his fists long to pound something.
Part of him wanted to get up a leave. Escape the torment. But he had to know the truth. “What do you mean?”
Roxie blew out her breath and took a seat on the bed, curling her legs up Indian style beneath her.
“When I was thirteen my dad died. We struggled along for a couple of years and then my mom remarried. Charlie Rose.”
The derision in her voice clearly spelled her dislike of the man. “What a piece of work. Mean and crooked as a snake. He promised her the moon and all he did was steal what little she had.
“By the time I was sixteen he’d mortgaged the farm so deep we couldn’t pay it off. We lost it and my mother couldn’t handle it.”
Roxie paused, twirling the hair hanging over her shoulder in what Cliff read as a nervous action. The pause was so long he started to wonder if she was going to say more.
Her voice was soft and filled with sadness when she spoke again. “The day the farm foreclosed, she walked into the barn, stuck my dad’s gun in her mouth and blew her brains out.”
He wanted to reach out to her in that moment. Take her into his arms and comfort her, or at least the child inside her that had been so traumatized and had lost so much. But he couldn’t. Couldn’t make a move toward her until he knew it all.
“I left that day,” she continued, looking toward the window instead of at him. “Me and Danny Morris. He’d been my best friend since we were five and he loved me. I told him I had to leave so he went with me.”
A ghost of a smile flitted across her face. “As corny and cliché as it sounds, we survived for two years by the kindness of people who ran a traveling carnival. They took us in with no questions asked and made us part of their family.”
Roxie closed her eyes for a moment then turned her head to look at him. He could see the emotional toll the confession was having on her. Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked them away.
“That’s where I learned to play cards. And to cheat. I was good at it. Even without cheating. Danny wasn’t, but he wanted to be. By the time I was eighteen, he was addicted and spent damn near everything we earned gambling.
“And that’s the year we arrived in Vegas.”
Roxie paused, trying not to let emotions tied to the past stop her from telling Cliff the truth. But how was she supposed to sum up all of the fears, frustrations, love and desperation she experienced in a few short sentences? She didn’t know how to make Cliff understand what it had been like, having only Danny in her life. A boy she’d known almost her entire life and someone she felt responsible for, who wanted so badly to please her yet couldn’t defeat the demons he battled.
She couldn’t tell him of the days she went without food, or a roof over her head. Or the number of times Danny had stolen what little they’d managed to earn, gambled it away, then cried in her arms over having disappointed her.
“And?” he prompted.
Roxie blew out a breath. “To make a long story short, I found work and over the years managed to claw my way up from waitressing to dealing. I took classes to get my high school diploma and enrolled in college classes.
“And Danny kept gambling. Spending everything we had.”
“Why didn’t you leave?”
How could she possibly make him understand the love she had for Danny when she’d never fully figured it out for herself?
“He was my best friend. He left his family and his home for me, Cliff. And he stood by me, no matter what. I couldn’t abandon him.”
Cliff didn’t want to acknowledge the respect he had for her, for standing by Danny. Hell, he didn’t even want the man to exist. But that was jealously working on him and he had to shove it aside. Everyone had a past. What mattered was the now.
“So what happened?”
Roxie climbed off the bed and walked to the window, staring out. “Danny begged me to get him into a high stakes game. He’d had a run of luck and scored 50K. I tried to talk him out of it, but he was so sure he was on a winning streak. He said it was his last game. He wanted to change. He was going to give up gambling, get an education and make something of himself. Make me proud.”
She leaned her forehead against the glass, her voice almost too soft to be audible. “So, I did it. And Danny won. He walked away with a quarter of a million dollars.”
Roxie straightened and turned to face Cliff, tears streaming down her face. “Because he cheated. Of course, two others at that table were cheating as well. I saw them. It was a crooked game al
l around. I should have stopped it, but I didn’t.”
“One of the players was a mean piece of work. He couldn’t stand losing, so he couldn’t let it go that Danny had won. And maybe he figured out Danny had cheated. I don’t know. Less than a week after the game, Danny was attacked coming out of a casino.”
She walked over and took a seat on the bed. “He survived, in a manner of speaking. He’s in a permanent care facility in Nevada.
“I took what was left of his win and had him put there. What was left of his brain is enough to keep him conscious, but not functional. He’s like a newborn. He feels pain and hunger, knows the comfort of a full belly and a touch but not much else.”
“So that’s what happened to the money you won?”
She nodded. “I didn’t cheat, Cliff. I just did the only thing I could do to get the money to make sure he’d be taken care of. I never told Lola or Emily. I met them later—after all that. You’re the only one who knows.”
She fell silent. Cliff’s mind was in a whirl. Part of him wanted to pull her into his arms and erase the haunted look in her eyes. Another part wanted to smash something. She belonged to another man.
Then light split through the dark thoughts. “You said you love me.”
“Yes, but I’m married.”
“Only on paper.”
“Cliff, I’m responsible for Danny. There’s no one else. I have to—”
As much as he hated himself for it, he couldn’t stop the words from pouring out of his mouth. “You’ve already made sure he’ll be taken care of, Roxie. What more is there for you to do? You think you should spend your life alone because of it?”
She was quiet for a long time. “I should’ve stopped him. Should have made him quit gambling. Not gotten him in that game. It’s my fault, Cliff. I don’t deserve to be happy when I’ve destroyed his life.”
That confession compelled him to act without thought. He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her. “Oh, honey, that’s not true. You were a scared kid who did everything you could. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But he loved me,” she whispered brokenly. “He depended on me and I let him down.”
Cliff felt her body shake with the force of her sobs and held her as she cried. He’d been so caught up in his own desires that he wasn’t really taking Roxie’s feelings into consideration. Thinking about what she’d been through and what she’d sacrificed certainly spoke to the kind of woman she was, her loyalty and dedication.
It also spoke to the depth of her love. That clawed at him, twisted him up in knots. He didn’t want her to love Danny, didn’t want her to feel that depth of emotion for anyone but him. He wanted her all for himself.
What kind of self-centered jerk did that make him? Or did it make him a jerk? Was it wrong to want the woman he loved to be all his? To give as much of herself as he was willing to give?
Which raised a question. Just how much was he willing to give to hold her love? For the first in a long time, Cliff was faced with proving what kind of man he really was. He thought about it long and hard as she cried, searching himself.
When the sobs became sniffles, he pushed her back gently to look into her red-rimmed and swollen eyes. What he was about to say could lose him the one woman he’d ever loved, but he knew he had to be honest and tell her what he felt.
“He let himself down, Roxie. No one can be responsible for the actions of another. We all own our actions. And if he really loved you, would he want you to carry around this guilt? To give up being happy?”
“No. I don’t know. I don’t know, Cliff.”
“Well, I do. You said you love me. Is that true?”
She nodded and he smiled at her. “I’m pretty sure I love you, Roxie. I can’t say I know for sure because to be honest, I’ve never really loved anyone. But what I feel for you is strong and real and I really hope you’ll give us a chance to see if it’s the kind of feelings that are meant to last. Can you do that? Can you take a gamble on us?”
“I don’t know. I want to but…”
“But what?”
“I’m scared.”
“Me too,” he said with a smile. “But maybe between the two of us we can muster up enough courage to see our way through.”
Roxie shook her head, a reluctant smile on her face. “You’re a real piece of work, Beckett.”
“Beckett? We’re back to Beckett after I bare my heart and soul? Woman, you wound me.”
The slight laugh let him know that the worst of the pain was past. At least for the moment. He longed to kiss her, make love to her and heal the wounds but knew now was not the time.
So instead, he lay back, pulling her to his side. “Sleep, honey. I’ve got you.”
The sigh that preceded her words sounded like relief to his ears. The words, however, sounded like resignation. “Yeah, I guess you do.”
Chapter Six
Roxie woke, feeling the steady rise of fall of Cliff’s chest beneath her cheek. For a few minutes she lay there, eyes closed, savoring the moment. Then it hit her. She hadn’t woken with a feeling of anxiety. The constant weight that had been attached to her for the last five years was gone.
It was almost frightening. She started to rise, but his arm wrapped tighter around her. “Roxie,” he murmured, still more asleep than not.
And it hit her. She was free. Somehow, being honest with Cliff had freed her from the prison she’d built around herself. She’d never stop caring about Danny and would always make sure he was taken care of, but the boy she knew was gone and couldn’t come back.
The boy she’d loved had left and it was time for her to move on. And the man who’d stolen her heart was there with her, murmuring her name like a caress as he slept.
She was broke, had no home, no possessions and no job, but she was free.
Love welled so strong inside her that she nearly cried. But this wasn’t a time for tears. This was the time to celebrate life.
Her hand moved down his chest to the buckle of his belt. Cliff’s eyes opened and she sat, undoing his jeans. He helped and soon his clothes were in a heap on the floor. Along with hers.
Cliff started to roll her over on her back but she stopped him. “Huh-uh. My turn.”
Without preamble, she climbed on top of him, taking his stiff cock in her hand and rubbing it against her wet sex. Cliff made a sound that had her ready to take all of him inside her.
Trouble was, he was a lot to take.
“Go slow, baby.” His voice was raspy from sleep and lust. “You’re gonna have to loosen up to take it as hard as I’m gonna give it.”
That low croon was like throwing gas on a fire. She felt her pussy grow wet and her belly tighten in need. Their eyes met and in the space of a breath, something happened. Regardless of the fact she was on top of him and initiating the penetration, he was in control. Of that, there was no doubt.
The wonderful thing was that it excited her in a way nothing else ever had. She wanted to impale herself on him in one swift stroke, to ride him hard and fast. But she resisted the urge, working herself slowly onto the length of him.
His eyes locked with hers as his hand moved to her clit, stroking just firmly enough to have her tingling and flushed, wet and hot. She closed her eyes as sensation started to build, anticipating the onset of orgasm.
“Open your eyes, Roxie. Look at me.”
She followed his command and his eyes imprisoned hers.
“I want to see you come.”
She couldn’t even muster a word for the sensation that rioted through her. His finger on her clit, his hard cock inside her pushing deeper as his pelvis rose and fell in a slow, steady rhythm. Her hands moved to her thighs, steadying herself. She was about to go. Her clit was hard as a rock, burning at his touch, and her pussy was already clenching against his cock.
“Not yet,” he commanded softly.
“I can’t…”
“You can. Let go, honey. Give yourself to me.”
Abandon control.
Submit. That’s how his words translated in her mind. For a split second she was seized with indecision. But there was something in his eyes, a promise that was too seductive.
“Yes.”
Cliff smiled. Finally. He had her. This time for real. The impact of that knowledge had him wanting to flip her over on her back and ride her like a stallion taking a mare in heat. Fast and hard. But the instant gratification he’d achieve paled in comparison to what she’d just offered.
“I’m going to stop moving. I want you to sink down on me. Take all of it. Don’t move anything but the inner muscles of your pussy. I want you to squeeze and release. Nice and steady and slow.”
Her eyes never left his as she complied. The first contraction around his dick sent thrill of sensation spiking straight to his balls, making them tighten almost painfully. His fingers continued their assault on her clit, slow and easy.
It wasn’t long before he felt a vibration in her body. Her eyes had developed a hooded look, pupils dilated and irises darkened. He could feel her need, feel how close she was.
“Cliff—I… oh damn…”
“Not yet.” He eased up on her clit giving her time to recover then started again. Her pussy continued to clench around him, creating delicious waves of sensation that had him as needy as she.
But he wasn’t going to give into that need. Not until he was certain that when he let her come it would send her higher than she’d ever imagined.
Over and again, he took her to the edge only to slow and start again. Both of them were slick with sweat, bodies tense with need.
“Please. Oh, damn, Cliff. Please.”
Her breathy plea cinched the deal. He increased the pressure on her clit and bucked up inside her. Her body trembled, pussy tightening in quick contractions on his dick. And her scream was the sexiest sound he’d ever heard.
Before her climax could fully crest, he flipped her over on her back and rammed home. Her legs moved to circle his body, heels locking against the small of his back as he rode her.
