Physis (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #4)

by Michelle Irwin

  “As good as you could expect.” I rested my head on the side of Mum’s bed.

  “Are you going to be okay? I should probably head back to check on Georgia.”

  “I’ll be fine.” I yawned. “So that’s the name you’re sticking with?”

  “For the moment at least, but I won’t do anything official until your mum signs off on it.”

  My eyes drifted. “Probably for the best.”

  I barely mumbled the sentence before the long morning claimed me and my eyes sank closed.

  I WOKE TO the feeling of someone stroking my hair lightly.

  “Go away!” I shouted as I batted away the attention. In my mind’s eye, it was Xavier on the edge of the bed trying to wake me up.

  “Sorry, baby,” Mum croaked.

  Instantly awake, I threw myself forward across her chest as gently as I could.

  “Fuck, no, I’m sorry, Mum. I shouldn’t have reacted like that.” I said the words about the immediate situation but hoped Mum understood I meant them about the previous evening too. “How are you feeling?”

  “Sore. What happened? How’s . . .” She trailed off and I wondered whether she didn’t want to ask the question.

  “Georgia?” I prompted. “She’s okay the last I knew. Dad went to NICU to be with her.”

  “I hope I didn’t scare anyone too much.”

  “Of course you did! But we’re glad you’re okay. And I’m sorry.”

  “What are you—” She shifted and a sharp cry left her as she did.

  I was instantly reaching for the call button. “Are you in pain?”

  “A little, but it’s nothing that won’t pass. I feel like my insides have been put through a blender. Now, what are you talking about?”

  “I knocked you over last night, and then . . .” Tears welled in my eyes before spilling down my cheeks. “It’s my fault.”

  “No, it’s not, honey.”

  “But, I—”

  “You didn’t do anything intentionally. It’s not your fault. Have the doctors told you anything?”

  “A little. Dad knows more.”

  “Tell me what you know, please?” She shifted again; her lips twisted into a grimace as she did. “I need to know the basics.”

  “They delivered Georgia, but couldn’t stop the bleeding from where the placenta detached. They took your uterus so that you wouldn’t bleed to death.”

  “Oh.”

  “I guess that means Georgia will definitely be your last. No more surprises.”

  She frowned. “I’m sorry, baby.”

  I scrunched up my eyes as I considered her words. “What are you apologising to me for?”

  “I’d had half a thought, it was nothing really I guess, just an idea, and it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway, but it would’ve been nice to have the option, and now I guess—”

  “Mum, you’re rambling.”

  “Sorry.” She gave me a sheepish smile. “I just kinda thought I might’ve been able to be a surrogate, for you and Beau that is. I mean, if you wanted to try again without the risk of carrying a child yourself. I figured I still had a few good years in me.”

  My mouth fell open as I considered what she was saying. What she might have offered. What was now off the table for good.

  “Never mind. It was only a half-baked notion anyway. I just didn’t want you to miss out on that if you wanted it. And now it’s off the table, and I am so sorry, baby.”

  “It’s okay,” I lied. Once more the promise of something I hadn’t known I wanted was dangled like a lure, only to be snatched back at the last second. “It probably wouldn’t have been for the best anyway. I mean, who knows what’s even going to happen with Beau.”

  I tried to be strong as the words left me, but I failed as the thought of him leaving struck me with a new intensity.

  Mum’s gaze cut to mine. “Don’t you know?”

  “Know what?”

  Before Mum could say anything else, Beau came back into the room with some cans of soft drink, a packet of chips, and two sandwiches.

  “Oh, dang, I didn’t know you were gonna be awake, Mrs Reede.”

  “Please, call me Lys. You don’t get to be on the family visitors list if you call me Mrs Reede.”

  He smiled at her.

  Seeing the food in his arms made the pangs in my stomach flare. The instant Beau put the food down beside me, I was into it. “I can share with you if you want, Mum?”

  “You eat. I’m not hungry. Besides, I should probably check with the nurses or a doctor before I eat anything.”

  He didn’t open anything as he glanced at Mum. “I just saw Mr—uh, Dec, near NICU. He’s got some photos of Georgia, and she is as cute as a button.”

  Mum glanced at me; for a moment her gaze filled with concern. Then she smiled, obviously deciding to try to lighten the mood. “We make pretty cute kids if I do say so myself.”

  I felt Beau’s gaze on me too. “I’d hafta agree. Everyone at home sends their best,” he added.

  “Thank you.”

  As I listened to them talking, I yawned again and my eyes grew heavy. With Mum awake and as good as could be expected, the weariness of being awake for so long with only a small snooze caught up with me.

  “You look beat, sweetie. Maybe you should go home.”

  Barely awake, I nodded.

  “C’mon, darlin’,” Beau said, helping me to my feet and shepherding me out of the room. “Let’s go get ya some rest. We’ll come back to visit your mama again later this afternoon.”

  We left via NICU to let Dad know we were heading off. I couldn’t see Georgia because she was in the humidicrib, but figured I could maybe go see her when we went back later. Dad thanked us both and we made some hurried arrangements for how we’d manage the next few weeks—the race at Sandown was so close.

  “Your place?” Beau asked when we climbed into the car.

  “Not yet,” I said. The second I walked in the door there, I’d be flooded with requests for information. As much as I wanted to tell them all everything I could to reassure them Mum and Georgia were both okay, I needed sleep first.

  It was only when we were halfway home and I was almost completely on my way to slumberland that it occurred to me that I’d forgotten to ask Mum what she’d meant when she said I didn’t know.

  I WOKE in Beau’s bed. My heart pounded as I stared at the unfamiliar ceiling. Rolling over to find a comfortable position, I found Beau beside me, still fast asleep. He must have carried me in from the car.

  While he slept, I propped myself up on one elbow and studied his features. Every dimple, smile, and laugh line was imprinted in my memory, but I explored them all with my gaze again to be on the safe side.

  I thought about how close we’d come to losing Mum. How life could change in an instant. How Beau or I could lose each other in a heartbeat. While the thoughts circled, I was gripped by an almost irrational fear of never overcoming my issues. Of losing him before we could ever reconnect. I still wasn’t sure I was ready, but I didn’t want to wait any longer.

  “Beau?” I whispered, shaking his shoulders and trying to rouse him.

  “Wha?”

  “I-I want to try.”

  “What’re’ya talkin’ ’bout, darlin’?” he mumbled.

  “I don’t want to lose you. I’m ready to try to have sex.”

  “Ya lost me.”

  I rolled closer and kissed him in a way it was impossible for him not to get my meaning.

  His body reacted instantly to the touch. His hand tangled into my hair as his breath quickened. For a moment, I thought he was going to take my offer and I was equal parts terrified and excited. His fingers traced over the top of my tattoo, poking out from my pyjama top. He hadn’t seen the whole thing since it’d been inked.

  He gently pushed me away. “Why?”

  “What do you mean, why?” I asked as I moved to kiss him again.

  “I mean why. Why now? Just last night you were clear where ya stood on
the matter.”

  “I don’t want something to come between us before I want to do that again.”

  He rolled away from me. “I don’t think that’s the right reason to push anythin’.”

  “I’m ready. I think. I mean, I’m sure I’ll be ready when we get there.”

  “I want ya, more than I can say, but this ain’t holdin’ true to my promise to you. I promised I’d wait ’til you were completely ready.”

  “I want to be.”

  “Wantin’ to be ready is a start, but that don’t make ya ready.”

  “What do you suggest?”

  “Time. Preparation. Let’s make a date, that’s what Dr Bradshaw suggested to me a while ago when I asked what I should do if ya wanted to go further.” The way he said it made something clear to me. Something I hadn’t seen before.

  “Are you ready?” I asked, suddenly doubting that fact.

  He brushed the corner of my mouth with his thumb and stared at that spot rather than meeting my eyes. A sigh left him. “Yes, and no. I want ya, Phoebe. I always have, and I always will. I just don’t wanna hurt ya. I don’t wanna be the reason you retreat into yourself ag’in.”

  My heart was in my throat as I asked, “That really scares you, doesn’t it?”

  “Darlin’, I had to walk away from you once before ’cause you asked me to. I ain’t gonna be able to do it ag’in.”

  The scars from the way I’d treated him after he’d saved me had never been clearer.

  I brushed my hand over his hair, pushing it off his face. “I’m sorry. I just . . . I couldn’t . . . I thought you’d hate me.”

  “I do understand. That’s why I want ya to be sure. I don’t want fear or panic to be the reason we’re together.”

  “What reason will you accept?”

  “I’m sure ya can guess.”

  I could, even if I couldn’t say the words again just then. “So what are you saying?”

  “Why don’t we stay down near where the race is? Get a hotel room. That gives ya a couple o’ weeks to figure out what’s in here.” He grazed my temple with his thumb. “And if you’re ready then, we’ll see what happens. I don’t wanna set ya back for a li’l bit of pleasure.”

  I raised one brow. “What about for a lot of it?”

  He caressed my jaw as he laughed. “That there is what gives me hope ya might be ready, but I still think we should wait. Prepare for it. Talk to Dr Bradshaw.”

  “And if I change my mind before then?”

  “Then we check out the minibar and movie selection. I ain’t gonna pressure you.”

  “You’re too good to me.”

  “I jus’ don’t wanna hurt ya.”

  “You couldn’t. Not now. Not anymore.”

  “Did ya wanna go home now?”

  I gave a reluctant nod. I would’ve preferred to stay with Beau for a little longer, but I did need to relieve Angel and Uncle Flynn.

  OVER THE next few days, Angel and Beau were around my house every day. The three of us helped Dad with the kids and school and Mum. Angel had even driven me into the city for my appointment with Dr Bradshaw. Among it all, there wasn’t much time for conversation or stressing about anything that wasn’t happening in the next five minutes.

  Mum came home a few days later, with strict instructions not to lift anything or move too much. It meant she needed someone near her full-time, but between Dad, me, Angel, Beau, Brock, Beth, and Parker, we made sure she was always near someone. More often than not, Dad would take her to the hospital to spend time with Georgia—who’d been moved from NICU to the special care nursery—while we all pitched in to look after Nikki.

  It was only when it was time to head to the airport to head to Sandown that I started to freak out at the promise I’d made Beau. In just a couple of hours, I’d be alone in a hotel room with him and would have to decide whether I was ready or not.

  I wanted to be, but I still wasn’t sure that I was.

  WHEN WE ARRIVED in Melbourne, Angel and I headed straight to Sandown Raceway to help Dad and the team. Beau, however, had another directive from me. He had to set things up for our night together.

  Even though the thought of being intimate with anyone scared me a little—how much would it remind me of what I’d been through?—I was ready to take that risk with Beau.

  Even with the lack of time and everything going on at home, we’d spoken about it. Planned it out. Discussed whether or not we’d use any other protection aside from my pill. Talked around coping mechanisms I was happy with, and what words Beau had to watch for. The whole discussion had been almost clinical—based on notes provided by Dr Bradshaw—but I did think it was for the best. There was nothing left uncertain between us, except whether my fears or our desires would win.

  Angel and I headed back to the hotel a little before six and the closer we got, the more my heart pounded in my chest. Rather than the lush, luxury hotel I’d expected to find, filled with crisp marble and a pop of colour, I found a homey space filled with warm wood and neutral tones. Even though it was nothing like Beau’s property, it sent my mind spiralling in that direction anyway.

  Angel grinned at me, knowing exactly what the night had in store for me and Beau.

  Can I really do this? I picked at my sleeves and worried my lip with my teeth as we shared an elevator up to our floor.

  “Have fun tonight,” she said, brushing her hand over my shoulder. “And relax.”

  “Easier said than done,” I murmured under my breath. My body was shaking, more from the build-up than from any true fear.

  “You can always come to my room to loosen up first,” Angel teased.

  Once upon a time, I would’ve teased her back. Now, the best I could give her was silence.

  “Seriously though, just be you. Oh, and leave your brain at the door. The two of you are best when you both get out of your own heads.”

  I knew she was just trying to be helpful so I thanked her before drifting mindlessly to the door to the hotel room I’d share with Beau. It took three minutes before I could lift my hand to knock.

  Almost the second my knuckles grazed the door, Beau pulled it open.

  “Howdy.”

  “Hi,” I squeaked.

  “D’ya wanna come in?”

  It would’ve been impossible to say no—it was where I was sleeping for the night after all—and yet it was almost as hard to nod.

  “Are ya sure? I can get Angel to share her room with ya if you’d prefer,” he added after one look at my expression.

  “Do you remember what you said to me the first night we slept together?” I asked.

  “I said lots o’ things, darlin’.”

  “You said you’d regret it for the rest of your days if you didn’t see where things might go with us.”

  His lips spread wide across his face until his dimple poked inward as he stepped aside to let me in. “I believe you’re right ’bout that.”

  “That’s how I feel,” I admitted as I took in the space. Just like the reception, it had a certain wooden country charm. Exactly fitting for Beau and for what we were going to share. “I don’t know what’s going to happen tonight, but if I don’t try there’ll always be some excuse not to do it.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Positive. Just remember I might want to stop, and if I do, it’s not because I don’t . . . care for you.”

  The one thing I was certain of was that Beau wouldn’t think less of me if I backed out. He’d understand and wouldn’t pressure me. That was exactly the reason I wanted to go along with it.

  “So—”

  “I—”

  We’d started talking at the same time and both cut off with nervous laughs.

  “This isn’t going to be easy, is it?” I asked. It wasn’t a secret that the night was meant for seduction. That was why we weren’t at home. Why we were in a hotel room away from my family and Angel. But that didn’t necessarily make it easy to make the first move.

  However the evening p
roceeded, it was going to be awkward and difficult. Too much pressure to perform and too many expectations.

  We’d been so good together before and now . . .

  Well, now I still wasn’t entirely sure I was ready, but neither did I want to wait any longer.

  “How do we start?” I asked. My voice was almost clinical when I continued, “Do you want me to undress? Or—”

  I cut off when Beau’s fingers rested on my lips.

  “Are ya hungry?”

  I shook my head, wondering if he could see the way every nerve and muscle in my body was wound tighter than clockwork.

  “Are ya sure ya wanna do this?” His gentle words suggested that perhaps he did see it all.

  “I’m sure I wanna try. That’s the best I can promise.”

  “Ya know what I’m gonna say to that, don’t ya, darlin’?”

  I grinned because I did. “We can stop anytime I want. I’m in control. And you l-love me?”

  He gave a soft chuckle as he curled his hand around my cheek. “That about does it.”

  A second later, his lips were on mine, moving together in a familiar dance. This, I was good at. This I could do. It was what came next I was terrified of. Would my body react the way it should around Beau, or would the fear and memory force away every euphoric sensation?

  Beau’s tongue brushed against my lips, seeking entrance. Without thought, I opened to his gentle invasion. This was a boundary we’d already passed. A war we’d fought and conquered, and yet my body was stiff in response despite the familiarity. I was unable to relax my muscles and melt into him the way I wanted. The way he deserved. A tear slipped down my cheek as he pulled away, obviously attuned to my discomfort.

  “D’ya know this room’s got a luxury tub for two?” he asked.

  My brow dipped as I wondered where he was going with his question.

  “D’ya fancy a soak?”

  My lips tipped up into a smile. He was doing what he could to help. To comfort. To ease me into it. I nodded, unable to find the adequate words to thank him and say yes.

  Holding on to my hand, he led me through the separate bedroom and into the en suite. As we’d moved through the bedroom, I’d tried to keep my eyes off the king-size bed, certain that the sight would be too much so early in the evening.