by Unknown
I thought about what I wanted to say and how much I wanted to tell. After this moment, he would know more about me than any other man had in more than ten years. He would know things that only my closest friends knew. Strangely, though my mind was racing, there was no feeling of panic in my chest. My mind said I should wait, but my heart was unafraid and urged me forward. I took a deep breath and began. “I grew up in a single-parent household with just my mom and my sister Emily.” Reflexively I smiled at the thought of my sister as I pictured her untamed sandy-colored ringlets waywardly bouncing in the wind as she ran in our yard. “From the day my sister was born, I’d been right there, caring for her. I protected her and taught her everything I knew. I even learned new things just to teach them to her. She was my friend and my companion every day for seven years.” My chest was beginning to tighten and a lump was starting to grow in my throat. Another deep breath and exhale and I continued. “The day my mom came home and told me Em was sick and needed surgery on her brain, I understood what was supposed to happen, but things just went all wrong.” I shook my head and tried to shake loose the horrible memories as they crept back into my mind. “They found a tumor in Em’s brain and removed it successfully, but during the surgery the doctor nicked the spinal dura causing a leak of spinal fluid around her brain. She complained for days that her head hurt, but the doctor said it was common after surgery for there to be some discomfort and released her to come home with us.” I stared down at my tightly-knit fingers and the thumbs I was absent-mindedly wringing. The knot in my throat was bigger now, and I thought it might strangle my words, but I pressed on anyway. “Days passed but she didn’t get any better. She was still complaining about headaches. When she became so feverish, she could barely move my mom finally took her back to the hospital.” As soon as I brushed the stream of tears away, new ones appear to replace them. “The doctors said that the infection had spread throughout her body and she was already beginning to have organ failure. It all happened so fast. They tried to give her antibiotics, but that didn’t work.” My eyes darted wildly around the room. I wanted desperately to run, but I knew I couldn’t escape the memories. I had dug this horror story up from its hidden place in my mind and now I had to face it. “My mom kept her on the ventilator for a month, but when she remained unresponsive and the bills piled up, my mom made the decision to take Em off of life support.” I felt as though all the blood drained from my body—hollow and empty. “That was the most devastating day of my life.” I said flatly. The red teapot in the kitchen across the hall held my focus now. I stared at it blankly as tears dripped from my chin. I had no breath, no movement, just vacant stillness. It was the same dead feeling I had the day my mother told me Emily was gone. “The day she died I vowed to myself I would become a pediatric surgeon and give parents a reliable doctor and hopefully, keep some families from going through what we went through. I know we’re all human and we can and do make mistakes, but the surgeon that worked on my sister was a quack who ended up being sued by my family and two others for malpractice! That bastard was killing people’s kids and they even discovered in one case he suggested a surgery be done on a child that wasn’t even necessary! Thankfully those parents thought to get second opinions before allowing him to operate.” I felt my jaw tighten as I clenched my teeth in anger. “Becoming a pediatric surgeon was my way of trying to protect children who couldn’t protect themselves. Today, I lost that fight. I couldn’t protect Kara and I couldn’t protect my sister!” The pain of loss overtook me again and replaced my anger with grief. I sat there, slumped over with my chin buried in my chest and wept. I felt so defeated, like I did when I was eleven years old.
Josh didn’t speak. Instead, he scooped me up and carried me to my bedroom. He laid me down gently, took off his shoes and crawled in bed behind me. His strong arms wrapped around my small frame and I was instantly comforted. I wrapped my fingers around his forearm as he curled his legs beneath mine.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that today and for what happened in your past. You’ve carried that pain in your heart all this time, and to use your sister’s death as motivation to become a pediatric surgeon… Wow! That was a lot to take on.” Josh ran his fingers through my hair as he lay beside me.
I heard his words, but I had run out of things to say. Yes, it had been a lot to take on becoming a surgeon, but my sister had fueled me. I was better and had achieved more because of her.
I tried hard to push my shadowed thoughts back where I had hidden them before. I couldn’t bear the weight of their sadness and I just wanted to feel enough peace to sleep. “Will you stay with me tonight?” I turned and faced Josh, beseeching him. “I just want you to stay here with me. Don’t say no.” I leaned in and kissed him longingly. I was grateful he didn’t resist. Josh pulled me in close and kissed me between soft sobs and tears.
He gently cupped my face in his hands. “I’ll stay right here as long as you need me and for as long as you’ll let me. You can believe that, ok?” I looked deep in his eyes and saw nothing but honesty. Again our lips met as I pressed my body tightly against his and gripped his hair. I explored his mouth with my tongue as my fingers searched for the buttons on his shirt. There was no resistance as I reached to pull the shirt up over his head. I sat up on my knees in the bed and began removing my gown. Josh helped me pull the gown off and tossed it on the floor. Now we were face-to-face with the moonlight casting light and shadow over his chiseled chest and my now heaving breasts. I ran my fingers slowly across Josh’s smooth chest and slid my tongue down the deep crease between his pecks that led down to his sculpted abdomen.
“Lay down,” I commanded. He laid back against the headboard in a seated position and I climbed on top of him. The only thing between my naked body and his hardness was his khakis and boxers. His arousal was undeniable and it encouraged me further. I planted soft kisses across his chest and trailed a path downward toward the button of his pants. I pulled back on his leather belt and slid off the buckle before undoing the button of his slacks. Josh lifted his pelvis and I crawled backward to pull off his bottoms, releasing his awaiting swell. I bent down to place the tip against my lips and Josh jerked.
“No, Erin! I don’t want… that! I want to give you what you need. Let me take care of you.” My feelings were a mix of shock and disappointment, but I reluctantly climbed over Josh’s leg back to my side of the bed. Now he was on top as he grabbed me gently by my waist and pulled me down on my back. His eyes met my wounded gaze before he began placing delicate kisses on my neck and down my chest. He cupped my breasts in his hands and sucked them simultaneously. I felt the rough sensation of his tongue as it lashed against my taut nipples. I was instantly in a tailspin, falling into a sea of sensation that was sure to have me drowning in pleasure too soon. I could already feel the tiny prickles creeping down from the pit of my stomach to my aching flesh. Josh planted a row of kisses down my stomach to my waist before he slipped his thumbs beneath my panties and slid them off. His hand grazed against my inner-thigh and my legs parted instinctively at his touch. His pattern of kisses, bites and sucks, made their way up my left thigh until his lips were pressed against my wet flesh. I could feel Josh’s breath warm and taunting against my swollen, pink pearl. I hoped he would put me out of my misery but instead traced kisses down my right inner thigh, prolonging my anguish. I squirmed and arched in search of his mouth until I felt his hands grasp my hips. Slowly his tongue returned to my middle where he began a torment of a different kind. This was sweet agony. I ached from within as I felt the soft swirling motions of his tongue against my flesh. His motions quickened and now he held my body under siege as he slid his arms beneath me and wrapped them around my thighs. There was no escape; nowhere to run from my pleasure. Tiny sparks gave way to explosions three times over before he released me from his grasp. My legs were still trembling as Josh inched his way upward, exploring every inch of my flesh with his tongue along the way. I could smell my sweetness on his skin as he kissed
deeply. Without warning, he entered me with long even strokes. I gasped my gratitude as he settled into a rhythmic grind. Now he slid his hand beneath my arms and gripped my shoulders as he welded his body to mine. I wrapped my legs around him and arched my pelvis up to meet him. It was as though I couldn’t get close enough to him. I wanted him deeper inside me. I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt the tears trickle down the sides of my face. I felt the wave of emotions as they washed over me. Josh continued writhing inside me as he picked up speed. He was unrelenting in his pursuit of my climax and I happily obliged him. As if I had given him permission, I felt him pulsate within me before he collapsed on top of my petite frame. His body covered mine and I liked the feeling of having his weight on me. We laid there fused together with only our breath to break the silence.
“What are you doing to me?” Josh questioned. “I told myself we were going to take it slow and here I am in your bed! I hope you don’t think I’m not a man of my word. I just wanted to comfort you… in whatever way you needed.” He rolled over onto his back. “I want you to know I really do care about you and I want to take care of you.” Josh turned to me and met my look of uncertainty. “Will you let me do that Erin? I mean, I don’t just want your body, I want your heart and whenever you’re ready, I’ll be right here waiting to be with you for as long as you will have me.”
I laid there listening intently, my index finger making little circles along his shoulder blade. “Josh, why do you want to be with me? You barely know me. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m a bossy control freak, sometimes I don’t even like being bothered with people and I have a ton of personal issues to work through.
“Well, damn, when you put it like that,” Josh teased. “First of all, I know that I barely know you but I’m willing to get to know as much of you as you will allow. I don’t think you’re a control freak, I think you’re guarded and, until now, you’ve done what you thought you needed to do to protect yourself. You are a little bossy, but I can live with that,” Josh said through his laughter. I chuckled and nudged him playfully with my shoulder. “As for your personal issues, we all have those. Maybe one day I’ll tell you about mine. For now, we can work through your issues one by one if you want. I don’t plan on going anywhere unless you decide you no longer want me here.”
I sat up, climbed on his lap and looked him dead in his eyes. “So you really want to try and do this? I mean the whole exclusive couple thing?”
Josh gave a sigh of exasperation and said, “Yes! I want to do the whole ‘exclusive couple thing’ with you!” I twisted my mouth thoughtfully as I looked up at the ceiling, then back at him before I softly replied, “Ok.” I bit my lip with uncertainty. I had said it and now it was real. We were a couple, just like that. Two letters had sealed the deal and I was beyond petrified but the smile that spread across Josh’s face melted me. It warmed me from the inside out and I felt my reservations evaporate. I returned his cheesy grin and planted a fat, sloppy kiss on his cheek.
Josh pressed his lips to my ear. “So, now that we’re a couple, I suppose it’s ok if we engage in some official couple activities.”
“Oh yeah,” I gave him an inquisitive sideward glance. “Like what?” Josh pulled my naked body down onto his and kissed me as he palmed handfuls of my backside. Round two! This was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Chapter Seven
Josh and I had been going strong for three months and I was happier than I had been in what seemed like forever. I hadn’t given so much as a second thought to Mike, so when the text popped up on my phone from a mystery number, I was taken aback to say the least.
Hey Erin! I apologize for not getting back with you sooner but since I haven’t heard from you I thought I would try to touch base. On my end, things got hectic, then I lost your number. Thankfully I got it today. I thought about coming by, but I didn’t know how you would take it or what you might have going on. I’d still like to talk to you and clear up some things. Give me a call when you get a chance. I know I have some explaining to do.
Mike
“Seriously,” I shouted. I was completely thrown off. Why the hell is he sending me a message after three months? What could he possibly need to say to me? Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter now. I read the message again in disbelief. For a reason I couldn’t quite place, it made me feel uneasy. I couldn’t believe he was contacting me after all this time without so much as a note, a homing pigeon, nothing! Who the hell does he think he is?! Better yet, who the hell does he think I am! Surely he didn’t think my life had been on pause for him? Maybe he had me confused with someone else, or maybe it was his wife trying to bait me into a conversation? Either way, I wasn’t buying into any of his bullshit excuses. Things with Josh and I were good and I wanted to keep them that way. I looked at the message one last time before deleting it and any thoughts of Mike from my head.
I climbed the stairs and headed into my room and prepped to head out with Amber, Angie and Feliz. We were going shopping for our Vegas trip that was just a few weeks away. I was damned near giddy about the getaway. I couldn’t wait to have some time off, but I had to admit I’d gotten used to curling up with Josh at night. It would be the one thing I would truly miss when I went away. He’d done everything he said he would. He was there whenever and, however, I needed him to be and he’d even encouraged me to talk to someone about my past and how it had affected me up to now. So far I’d only been to a couple of sessions but having the chance to share my thoughts and feelings with a neutral person had really been helpful. So far we were still trying to work through my feelings associated with Emily’s death and how it had shaped my life. My therapist, Dr. Stephenson, had posed the question: What would you have done with your life if your sister hadn’t died? I hadn’t given her an answer right away because, truthfully, I didn’t know. I had no idea what else I would have become or done if I wasn’t in pediatrics. None the less, Dr. Stephenson had challenged me to think about it to discuss at a future session so I agreed to give it some thought.
A buzz from the cell phone gripped my attention. It was Angie. “C’mon girl! We’re outside! Let’s get this shopping spree rolling!” I peeked out my bedroom window and saw Angie waving to me with the phone still pressed to her ear.
“Alright, I’m coming,” I laughed as I grabbed my black Dooney and Burke and hit the stairs. I hopped in the back seat of Angie’s black Mercedes next Feliz and we were off.
“So, you get a man and then you forget you have friends, huh Erin? I figured you were one of those chicks.” Angie was amusing herself at my expense.
“C’mon Angie, You ladies have been in relationships forever and I’m still new to all of this so I’ve been trying to take my time and make sure I’m doing this thing right. Plus, I spend a lot of my time recuperating from all of my extra-curricular activities,” I said with a wicked smirk. We all erupted in raucous laughter.
“Well, it’s about time you got yourself someone steady,” Amber chimed in with her usual practicality.
“Thank you Amber.” This time I was being sincere. I knew she was happy for me even if she did come off dictatorial sometimes.
“So now we can plan our little gathering! Don’t worry Erin, I’ll coordinate everything. The girls and I will make a good first impression on your new Mr. Wonderful!” I swear Amber was downright giddy about the idea of all the couples getting together and the other ladies didn’t protest. The rest of the ride she went on about the menu and when would be the best date and asking what kind of games Josh preferred. You would have thought she was planning a wedding reception. The more I thought about it, I kind of liked finally being able to be included in my friends’ couple activities. It felt a bit like a social graduation. Before I hadn’t really known or even cared what I was missing out on but now that Amber was including me, I was actually excited.
“So, I guess I can finally contribute to these relationship conversations now, huh? I’ve earned some ‘street cred,’�
� I joked. “So, I know we’re shopping for stuff to take to Vegas but I want to stop by Victoria’s Secret and get a little something special for tonight.”
“Oh Lord! It’s not enough that you forget about us, now you have us shopping for your little nasty lingerie too.” Angie’s eyes smiled at me through the reflection in the rearview mirror.
“It takes a nasty girl to know a nasty girl Nasty Angie!” We all cracked up laughing.
*****
As I stepped from the bathroom to the bedroom, I found Josh standing in the doorway wide-eyed. I darted for the bed and flung myself across it as I dove into the sea of bags, clothes and my new lingerie. I snatched the lacey fabric up and hid it behind my back as I made my way toward the bathroom. “Shoot! You’re early! I was planning a surprise for you.”
“Oh yeah,” Josh asked with a mischievous grin. He walked slowly in my direction and I backed away until I was pressed between him and the wall. “Show me what you have behind your back,” he said gruffly.
“No, it’ll ruin the surprise,” I murmured, oozing seduction. Josh held my hands behind my back as he trailed kisses down from my lobe to my neck, then from my neck to my chest. Truthfully, he wasn’t gripping me hard enough, but I played along and pretended to try and wriggle free. Josh laid his body against me, pinning me more tightly between him and the wall. He grazed my ear with his lips and said, “So you’re sure you don’t want to share your little secret with me?” I felt his tongue flick against my lobe.
