by Unknown
Josh came and sat down beside me. “I came by to get the rest of my things. I saw your car outside and rang the bell but when you didn’t answer I used your hidden spare key to open the door. When I saw you laying here limp, I didn’t know what to think. We haven’t been in contact so I could only imagine what might have happened that may have upset you. I kept shaking you and calling your name, but you wouldn’t respond. I didn’t know if you had taken something or what!”
I glared at him indifference. “Josh, I’m not suicidal, I’m just sad. Today was a rough day for me in therapy and I wasn’t prepared for it. That’s all. I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine. You can go and get whatever you came for.” I knew I was being overly abrasive and trying to push him away in my typical fashion. My fear of truly being loved was too great. I wasn’t sure any man had ever loved me and now I was standing here face-to-face with Josh and it was undeniable. Even after what I’d done, he was still right here, loving me. I turned to face him and said, “Josh, I apologize. I apologize for hurting you the way that I did and for the way I’m trying to hurt you now. I guess I never realized how much pain I’ve been holding onto and for how long. I’ve been protecting my heart so long that I don’t really even remember how to use it.” I propped up on my arm, leaning my head against my palm. I’m so tired and confused… tired of running from my past and confused about how to let it go. I decided at that moment, instead of trying to deflect from my feelings, I was going to tell him exactly how I felt.
“Josh, this, what we had,” I slurred, “It could have been something great if I were a different person or at least a better version of myself. I didn’t realize until recently just how truly screwed up I am. I don’t need to be in a relationship with anyone; especially not someone as caring as you. I can only hope that one day I can be a woman who deserves the type of love you tried to give me, but today, I’m just not her. You are sincerely the kindest and attentive man I have ever known and I’m sorry I made you believe I could be what you wanted. I was standing on a cracked foundation when you met me and now it’s collapsing all around me. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be for us, but I wouldn’t want to have you gone from my life completely. I hope we can move forward as friends.
Josh was staring at me intently for a moment before he began. “Erin, I appreciate everything that you said and I thank you for being honest with me. None of what’s happened the past few days has changed my love for you. Love just doesn’t work like that. Am I still hurt, yes, but I know that I could never fully walk away from you. I think we could both benefit from some time apart, but know that you can call me if there’s anything you need me to do; even if it’s just to listen or to hold you when you cry. I will be right here whenever you need me.”
This man is amazing. I grabbed Josh’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Thank you.” I leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips. I closed my eyes and lingered there. It felt like goodbye. When I pulled back, Josh was staring at me, studying every intricacy of my face. Slowly he inched forward and kissed me lightly against my cheek. He tilted his head up and kissed my forehead, then the other cheek. Finally, his lips returned to mine and consumed my mouth with every ounce of passion he possessed. I melted into him as my salty tears mingle between our lips. My instinct was to beg for his body, but in my heart and mind I knew better. This wasn’t the route I wanted to travel. I was done confusing physical desire with emotion.
Reluctantly I backed away. “I think maybe you should go ahead and get your things.” I slid over on the couch and put some distance between us. In my peripheral view, I could see the disappointment in Josh’s face but I didn’t waver. He stood slowly, giving a sigh of resignation as he headed toward the stairs. I turned on the television and returned to my original position on the couch. I laid there on the pillow and gazed at the TV without seeing it at all. I was all out of tears. There was nothing left but pain. More than anything I just want this day to be over and hope tomorrow will bring something brighter in my life. The last thing I heard before sleep overtook me again were Josh’s footstep down the stairs and the closing of the door behind him.
Chapter Fourteen
I’ve awakened one too many times on this couch with a hangover. I need to get my shit together! I mentally ran through several expletives and admonishments as I clutched my head. I was certain that if I didn’t keep my hand there, my skull would split in two. I staggered toward the kitchen pausing briefly in the hall until the room stopped swaying. When I got to the kitchen, I pulled the cork from the bottle of Patrón and poured the remains down the drain. It’s time I stopped running from my pain and started facing it. As committed as I was in my mind, my body was telling me to take my ass somewhere and lay it down.
I crept up the stairs toward my bedroom like I was staging a sneak attack on my mattress. I was planning to do some serious damage. Snoring, slobbering, the whole nine yards. When I reached the bed, I climbed in gingerly to avoid jostling my stomach that still burned with alcohol. I curled up under the covers and nestled into the cozy pillow-topped mattress. At that moment, its caress felt better than the arms of any man. Just as the bed began working its magic and I drifted off to sleep, the house phone rang. That’s weird. No one ever called my home phone. The phone sounded again and I snatched back the covers and reach for the receiver before another ring could peal through my head. “Hello.” I said flatly.
“Hey Erin, it’s Angie. I was just calling to check on you and see how your ‘adventure’ was going so far?”
“Well, let’s just say I’ve definitely said and done some things already that I haven’t said or done before,” I offered a weak laugh.
“Well, alright! Is that a good thing or what,” Angie asked.
“It was definitely different. I saw Josh yesterday. He came by for the rest of his things and found me in a tequila-induced stupor. In my therapy session, all that stuff from college came flooding back. Grayson, the baby… everything,” I said softly.
“Did she make you talk about that stuff? How did it even come up,” Angie asked with agitation. I knew she was ready and willing to call the doctor’s office and cuss them out if I gave her the go ahead.
“No, she didn’t make me talk about it. I didn’t even mention it. Dredging up old family stuff and relationships got things stirred up and before I knew it all those memories were back. You and I really do go way back Ang. Do you ever regret driving me that day? I mean, I know how I feel about what I did, but I’ve never even thought about how it might have made you feel.”
There was a pause and then Angela replied, “I don’t regret taking you. It was your decision, hon. I felt badly about the whole situation with you and Grayson and it ending up that way, but I don’t regret helping you for one moment. It was my choice and I can take ownership and responsibility for that.”
“So what do you mean exactly? You take ownership and responsibility for what?”
“Honestly Erin there wasn’t anything for me to feel bad about. I wasn’t the person who had to go through it all, you were. My point was I only have to be responsible for my part in what happens as a result of the decisions I make. I can’t be held accountable for how others feel or what they do. I love you girl, but I won’t carry your pain for you. I’ve known you long enough to know that you not only carry your pain, but you carry the pain of others, as well. You still hold pain for your sister, your baby, your mom, your dad. Your parents made their choices based on them. You weren’t responsible for your sister’s death and you couldn’t have kept Grayson from cheating if you were Halle Berry or damn Beyoncé because he was a cheatin’ lyin’ ass! That’s who he was. It didn’t have anything to do with you. Now, the decisions you made after I drove you to that doctor’s office; that belongs to you. Maybe if you let everybody else’s bullshit go you can really focus on overcoming the hurt that’s actually yours to deal with.”
“Why the hell am I paying a therapist when I have you Ange?! I swear you are one of the smartest people I
know, and you never cease to amaze me with the things that come out of your mouth! Usually it’s something crazy, but every now and then you hit one out of the park!” We broke into laughter. It feels so good to laugh!
“Whatever Erin! Get your behind out of that bed, and let’s go do some retail therapy!”
“How’d you know I was in the bed,” I asked.
“Because you never answer your house phone and the only receiver is in your room! Anyway, get dressed I’ll be there in an hour so we can go put somebody out of business,” Angie and Erin laughed and hung up the phone.
The conversation with Angie had me thinking. I leaned over and pulled the white envelope from the drawer of my nightstand. I traced my fingers across the sealed flap and contemplated whether I should open it. Am I really ready to know what Grayson had to say all those years ago? Does it even matter anymore? What if it somehow makes matters worse? I put the envelope back in the drawer and closed it. Not right now. Since I wasn’t sure how the letter might affect me, I decided to put it off a bit longer and got ready to hang out with Angie.
*****
No one in the world knew me better than Angie. She was truly my best friend and had been with me through ever tumultuous moment of my life with the exception of my sister’s passing. Even still, she accompanied me to my sister’s grave every year and even placed her own bouquet of flowers there. Because she knew how important my sister was to me, that made Emily important to her too. Over the years, we’d become like sisters and she had always been there whenever I needed her, no matter what. It seemed only fitting that Angie would be the person to help me get out of my funk.
We’d decided to go to Chicago Premium Outlets Mall and had already hit Aldo, Dooney & Burke and the Coach store. Now Angie was convincing me that I needed new sneakers for our first run together in the morning. I took the Nike runner shoes and winter-weather running gear up to the counter. At least if I pass out I’ll look like I know what I’m doing. I thought as I stacked the items in front of the sales clerk.
When I mentioned to Angie that I wanted to run a half marathon, she was quick to tell me there would be one in six weeks and that we needed to start training right away. It’s a good thing I’ve been running five miles a day on the treadmill. Sure, I’d slacked the past few weeks, ok more like the last couple of months but Angie had assured me my stamina would build quickly even though running outdoors was very different from running on a treadmill. “Yeah, you’re gonna need these shoes out there on the pavement and those clothes too.” Angie said with a smile that told me I’d understand her statements soon enough. I didn’t bother to inquire. I just swiped my card and signed the signature pad.
“Hey Ange, would you be interested in going to the beach with me?” I asked as we exited the store.
“In the dead of winter? Umm, that would be a hell no!”
“It would be out of town in maybe Florida or somewhere like that,” I said hoping the thought of warm weather would win her over.
“Oh! Florida could be cool. You know we just came back from Vegas which was our ‘annual girls’ trip’ so how soon are we talking?” Angie asked quizzically. She knew I was plotting something more than just an escape from winter in Chicago.
“I was thinking soon, like November. Before you say anything, I know we just got back from vacation, but we could go down for your birthday!” Yet another bribe.
“So, what exactly will we be doing in Florida or wherever? What are we going for besides my birthday and are you going to invite the other girls?” Now Angie wasn’t just questioning. She was suspicious. I knew if I fed her anymore bullshit she’d back out completely.
“Well… I was thinking about going to a nude beach.” I braced for Angie’s reply.
“Now wait,” Angie’s eyes were wide with disbelief. Here it comes. “You want me to go all the way to Florida with you to go see some old people show their bare asses?! I’m not so sure about that one! What gave you the sudden urge to do that? Wait, is this a part of your ‘bucket list’ thing? I must admit, looking at a bunch of nudists is quite an adventure. No telling what you could see out there!” Angie’s face was twisted into a mix of a concerned scowl and disgust. “Yeah, I’m in!” She chuckled.
“Great!” There was more and I knew this part would be a hard sell. “Are you gonna get naked too?”
“Now why would I do that? Erin, if you want to go down to Florida to get naked with a beach full of strangers, that’s fine with me. I’ll go with you and I promise to laugh my ass off, but that is as far as my commitment goes!”
I mustered up my most pitiful puppy dog eyes and pouty mouth before I commenced to begging. “Pleeease?! I know it’s my bucket list, but I need some support. It’s not like you’re going to see any of the people again. Will you at least agree to think about it?”
Angie stood there blinking at me with a blank expression. She didn’t seem at all phased by my plea and I didn’t want her to decide not to go at all so I pitched a plea bargain. “Ok, you can just come and watch me walk around on the beach naked. Who knows, you may see someone there that inspires you to take your clothes off!” That’s it. Bribe her with potential “man candy.”
“Now that’s true,” Angie gave me a mischievous eyebrow raise. “After all, I’m married, not dead!” The possibility of buff naked bodies had helped to guarantee me a travel buddy. I settled on that for now. I’ll win her over once we get there.
“Let’s go get something to eat. I’m exhausted from all this shopping and hungry too.” I hadn’t eaten anything all day because, despite the fact that I’d consumed nearly a bottle of tequila the day before, I’d somehow managed not to hurl and wanted to keep it that way. We decided to go to Bubba Gumps and headed in that direction.
“So,” Angie began. “If you don’t mind me asking, what happened to Mike? I know we couldn’t talk at the bar the other night, but you never told me what happened with you guys in Vegas or how it ended in your break up with Josh.”
“Wellll, I sort of slept with Mike and Josh found out about it. That day I left work, when I came home all of his stuff was gone. He found a bandana that Mike had given me in Vegas and I actually slipped up and told on myself.”
“Ok, back up! You sort of slept with Mike in Vegas and then slipped and told Josh? Wow! Hold on, define sort of,” Angie gave me a sideward glare that said she knew there was more to it than I was letting on.
“Let’s just say we left very few stones unturned in the sex department.” Just talking about him caused my body to respond. I shut off the instant replay that began in my mind and ignored the distant ache growing in the pit of my belly. Focus on the conversation at hand.
“Oh really?! So did he let you do your thing or did he have the same reaction as Josh?” I could feel the blush kissing my cheeks as I fought against my smile. “Yes, he did. At the time, that was one thing that was missing for me and he fulfilled it, but it ended up being more than that. He ignited a fire and passion in me, but not just sexually. It’s like I got a new thirst for life. All of this –the stuff with Josh and Mike- has sparked up desire in me. I want to be a better person than I was to Josh and more of the person I was with Mike. I honestly don’t know what the future holds, but right now I’m trying to focus on me. It’s all gotten so complicated and mainly because I tried to have something I wasn’t ready for. Whoever I end up with, I want to make sure I’m ready to be all in. I had a long talk with Josh yesterday and we’re in a peaceful place. We’ve agreed to be friends. I’m glad about that.”
“Ok, so do you think you’d want to be with Josh or Mike when it’s all said and done? Angie asked.
“Mike and I are undoubtedly sexually compatible, but at this point I haven’t really had a chance to know if there could be anything else. He has a five-year-old son that lives with him, he works full time for Triple AAA and is a part-time musician. Everything on paper would say that we are in very different places in our lives, but when I’m with him, I can’t explain it, it fe
els real.”
“So Mike has a son. Have you met him?”
I smirked. Now I know how Mike felt. I said all that and she asks about Mike’s son. “No, not yet, he wants me to. Actually, he said he would wait for me to let him know when I’m ready. He told me he would do whatever is necessary to make me happy, no matter what that may be.”
“Well, it sounds like he really likes you Erin. Are you guys gonna go on another date at least or are you trying not to date until you finish your ‘quest for consciousness,'” Angie had her hands flat in her lap palms up with her index finger and thumb touching like she was meditating.
“Keep your hands on the wheel!!” I chided. This bitch is crazy. It was alright though because she was my kind of crazy. “You have a lot of names for this thing I’m doing, huh? I think I’m searching for clarity and peace.” I mimicked her meditative posture and we laughed.
“You know I’m just giving you a hard time,” Angie stated. “Seriously though, whenever you meet Mike’s kid that will clarify a whole lot of things about your relationship status. If the two of you don’t get along it’ll force everyone to reevaluate where things are headed.” Angie chuckled light-heartedly. She had a valid point. Since I didn’t know if or when that might happen, I decided I’d cross that bridge when I came to it. No sense worrying about it right now.
After lunch, Angie drove me home and helped unload the masses of bags I’d accumulated from our shopping spree. She was shocked when I told her she could have all the wine in my wine rack. “You feeling ok?” Angie asked, pressing the back of her hand against my forehead. I swatted it away playfully.
