by A. S. Kelly
“Well then, I don’t want to stay with you,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest.
“That means I’ll stay with you then. We’ve wasted enough time.” I give her a kiss on the nose. “I’ll be downstairs waiting.” And I disappear before she’s able to reply.
“There’s my girlfriend,” I say blatantly, causing Patrick to choke on his coffee.
Rain turns to me in expectation and I shoot her a wink and her eyes fill up on the spot. Liam puts his arm around her, squeezing her gently and she dries her eyes and goes back to finishing her coffee.
“I’m not…I’m not his girlfriend,” Alex says, taking the place next to me.
“But I am her boyfriend, so Rain, tell that asshole Keith not to dare look at her again, and by the way, tell him he’s fired.”
“Jay,” Aaron intervenes, with his usual father-of-ten parental authority voice. “You can’t fire Keith just because he made eyes at her.”
“That’s not all he did,” I inform him, as Alex looks at me, shaking her head. “He tried to take her out, he put his arm around her, he—”
“Okay,” Patrick chimes in. “Keith is out.”
“Excuse me?” Rain joins in. “We can’t throw someone out just because—”
“The argument is closed,” Aaron says. “Keith is out. I’ll call him today to let him know.”
“But…Aaron, you can’t—”
“Yes, I can, we’re already two against three. The decision has been made.”
Aaron gets up and comes towards me, he lowers his head to whisper something to me and says: “Anything for you, friend.” And he leaves me without words.
A silence falls over the kitchen and is broken only by Rain’s laughter.
“What the fuck?”
“Sorry,” she says, going from a crying laugh to an almost hysterical one.
“I’m happy, so happy.” She gets up and throws herself onto me, squeezing her arms around my neck.
The scale of Rain’s emotions has always been precarious and her moods can change on a dime, but that’s one of the reasons why I love her.
“Honey, you’re choking him.” Liam tries to pull her off of me with little success.
“I love you,” she tells me before kissing my cheek and sitting down again.
Okay, this morning has really gotten off to a strange start and I don’t dare imagine how the rest of it will proceed. But I look at Alex sitting next to me, who is smiling in embarrassment and has been welcomed by the guys as one of the family, as if she had always been part of my family.
And I think all the rest of it can go to hell because as long as she’s alive I don’t need any other bullshit.
“Let’s go,” I tell her, taking her hand. “I’ll take you to work.”
—
ALEX
“You know this story is absurd, right?”
We get in his car and head towards the city.
“You can’t tell me what to do, who to see, you can’t fire someone like this and…and you can’t be my boyfriend.”
Jason sighs and turns on the engine.
“I thought we already talked about all this.”
“No, Jason, you spoke, I haven’t given my consent.”
“I didn’t think you needed to.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me, Alex. I don’t need your consent and I don’t need for you to tell me how much you love me, because I already know.”
“Such self confidence…” I tease him and I feel a bit like the way we used to be when we were together.
“Let’s just say I am sure about the effect I have on you,” he affirms with determination, shooting me a glance.
“Oh sure, the sexy musician that has women falling at his feet with his gorgeous dimples.”
“What?”
“Nothing.” I bite my tongue.
I seem like a stupid teenager on the verge of a hormonal crisis.
“You like my dimples, huh?” he asks, smiling as much as he can to show them off.
“Knock it off,” I snap, turning away from him. “I’m sure you know full well what I’m talking about just as I’m sure many other girls have understood how to appreciate all of your other talents.”
Stupid. Jealous.
“Alex, the other girls…” He sighs. “Were nothing. I have never felt for anyone…”
He freezes and I turn instinctively to look at him. I can’t help wondering how many girls could have touched him, kissed him, loved him. How many have laughed with him, joked around with him, slept in his bed?
How many of them could make him happy?
“I’ve tried, you know?” he begins, as my heart rises in my throat. “None of them were you, Alex. For me there’s only ever been you.”
“Oh,” I say, rubbing my hands on my jeans.
He takes his hand off the gear lever and puts it on mine.
“I didn’t think I’d ever be able to let someone in my life. I didn’t want to end up like my dad.”
My hand becomes rigid under his.
“I was stupid because I thought by not seeing you, not looking for you, sooner or later I would have gotten over it. But you were always there, even when we far apart physically, even when I thought maybe I never would see you again.”
I slowly relax and my breathing regularizes.
“You were made for me, Alex. No one else could ever take your place. And I, well…to put it modestly, I am and will always be the only man in your life, like it or not.”
“Truthfully, there was someone else.”
“Details…”
“They’re not just details. I got along well with him, we were a real couple.”
“But you two…didn’t…he never…”
“I don’t think this is the time to talk about it.” I try to close the argument, which is embarrassing both of us as he parks near campus. He turns off the engine, inhales and faces me.
“Did you love him?”
His face is serious.
“I think so…” I whisper. “But not like—”
“—Not like you love me,” he concludes, caressing my face, forcing me to look at him.
His eyes are big, bright and scared.
“I don’t want to put pressure on you or make you feel uncomfortable, okay? Just know that I’m here and I will be for as long as you want me. I would do anything to stay by your side every day of my damned life.”
“And what if I wanted all of it, Jason? What if I want to have you in my life, in every way possible?” I surprise myself with my boldness, scared to death but with hope in my heart.
He smiles maliciously and moves in closer.
“I’d say we could do it.”
19
JASON
I open the pub door to start this workday in the best possible way. I’m fully charged, I’d say almost euphoric, even if I feel like I could crap my pants.
“There you are, we have to talk.”
I look up and find the guys sitting around a table with smoking cups of coffee in front of them.
“Oookay,” I say doubtfully, moving to the vacant seat and taking my place.
“So, friend, what is this story?” Patrick asks me with a strangely serious voice. “You and Alex…”
“Yes,” I say, taking a long breath. “Me and Alex, Patrick.”
“Are you sure? You know, we all know how things went…” Aaron interrupts.
“You’re talking about five years ago, Aaron? I’m no longer a boy, you should know that,” I say resentfully, crossing my arms over my chest.
“And I know that, buddy, I just can’t help worrying about you. You know I care about Alex and I know what she means to you, but I was there the last time it ended, and that’s why I’m worried about it.”
“Get straight to the point, Aaron,” Patrick encourages.
“I’ll be honest, okay? I’m happy for you, I’m glad you found the courage to let yourself go a bit.” He looks at the others before goin
g on. “We all care about you, Jason. We’ve all lived together for a few years now, we’ve been through a lot and I’ve always considered you like a brother. You are dedicated to your friends, to Rain, this pub…You’ve only ever done things to take good care of us, never thinking about yourself. You have completely closed yourself off from the outside world and we’ve been afraid for a while now that you might not be able to make it back out. Please don’t misunderstand me, I am happy that Alex is back and that you have finally decided to open the door and let love into your life, but you know how things stand, how she is and what could happen, and with this, I am not suggesting that you can’t be close to her. Just, maybe…take it slowly? Be cautious, yes. Approach things with a certain distance.”
“What the hell…Aaron, I’ve waited all these years and you, more than anyone know what I feel for her. There is no one else for me! How in the hell could you tell me to go slowly?” I stand up and start pacing around the room. “How the hell could you say something like that to me knowing that she might…” And as I pronounce the words, I realize what it is that I’m saying, what I’m thinking and what the guys are trying to tell me.
I fall into the chair and take my head in my hands. Fuck, they’re right. I’m going too quickly, I’m pushing it just because I’m scared I won’t have enough time with her, to hold her in my arms and make her feel safe.
To make her feel like part of me.
Liam puts his hand on my shoulder, making me look him in the eyes.
“Jay…are you alright?”
Am I alright? No, no I’m not. I’m making a big fucking mistake because I’m scared I won’t have enough time to love her.
I shake my head and fall back into the chair, running a hand through my hair.
“Everything’s fine. We’re all here, and always will be. It’ll work out.” Aaron consoles me.
“And if…if it shouldn’t all work out, Aaron? If she…”
There they are, my doubts.
My devastating fear of losing her before I can love her.
“You have to be prepared for everything, you know that, right?” Aaron asks me and I nod, unconvinced because for as much as my intentions are sincere and positive, I can’t help but thinking they could end in the worst possible way.
Her heart could stop and then mine would too because I couldn’t withstand losing her too, to lose the only person I love.
I have fallen apart twice in my life: first when my mother died and then when I thought I was losing Alex too.
Two times that I lost control, two times I committed the same mistake.
I cannot allow that to happen again, I’ve always been a balanced person, strong, a beacon for others and I have to continue to be so.
I can’t fall apart, I can’t let myself get beaten down, and I can’t lose someone else I love, someone I’d trade my own life for.
I can’t lose the woman I love.
Not another time.
Not forever.
—
ALEX
“And so, you’re together now.”
Rain called me during my break and obviously wants to know everything, but the truth is that there isn’t very much to say.
“That’s what he decided.”
“Explain that please…”
“I don’t know. I think he’s completely crazy.”
“Well, that’s for sure, he’s crazy about you, Alex.”
“Mmm-Uhm.”
“What is it? Is something wrong, honey?” she asks.
“It’s just all going so quickly that I haven’t had time to reflect on it at all. I’m not sure if I can—”
“Alex,” her voice chastises me over the phone.
“He is ready to do anything, to be with me in any way that I feel like.”
“Uh, that’s good, right?”
“Well, what if I want it all, Rain? If I wanted to really be with him?”
“I would say, good, it’s time to make the leap.”
“I’m almost twenty-three years old and have never had a full relationship with a guy…with a man, and now I want it, I want all of him.”
“That’s great, dear. It’s what you deserve.”
“Yeah, great.”
“What is it that’s stopping you? Are you afraid of something?”
“I’m not afraid of what could happen to me, I’m afraid that if something did happen, he wouldn’t get over it. The thing would kill him. He’s lost his mother, he lost Neil, he almost lost me and now…he could lose me again. I don’t want that for him.”
Rain sighs before speaking. “Let him decide. Jay has changed, you said so yourself. He’s not a little boy any more, he’s a man and I can assure you that he’s ready to face whatever comes.”
“Things are a bit complicated at the moment.”
“What does that mean?” she asks and I can hear her voice cracking under tears.
“Don’t get upset, please.”
“I’m not getting upset.” She says, sobbing. “Y-you’re…you’re…”
Rain starts stuttering, signaling that she is stressed out.
“I haven’t been completely upfront about my return here…” I begin a bit hesitantly. “My situation is not stable and hasn’t been so for a while. That’s the reason why my family and I decided that it was better for me to move back here where I would have a better opportunity of being cared for. We’ve tried a lot of different things but the medicines are not able to keep my symptoms under control.
“The medical tests I’ve taken so far have confirmed that the only thing left to try is an operation, which could help limit my episodes, keep my cardiac activity under control and improve my lifestyle. Another attack could be fatal for me.”
The silence on the other end of the line is interrupted by Rain’s desperate cries.
We have spent many years away from one another and with my disease and her accident, it hasn’t been easy to maintain our friendship. But since I’ve returned to Dublin we have started actively making up for lost time and seeing the fruits of childhood friendship re-blossom. I’ve known her forever and even if she doesn’t remember all of the moments we’ve spent together, it’s not important, because our connection is important and growing daily.
“Calm down, Rain. I am all right, really. I’m fine and will be okay. They will find a solution.”
“Do you promise me?” she asks like a child that needs reassuring.
“Yes, I promise. Nothing is going to happen.”
Seems like Jason isn’t the only one making promises he’s not able to keep. This is not an illness that can be stopped, but rather maintained. I’ve always known that. The problem is I’m not able to control it as I should. The medicines don’t always work as they ought to and I keep getting worse. Many people live with light symptoms their whole lives or are at minimum able to have a semblance of a normal life thanks to the drugs they take, but there are cases, I’ve learned the hard way, where nothing really works enough to make much difference.
I’m one of those.
Now, I’ve got one chance left at trying to maintain as long a life as possible. The operation, which I have held off on until now because I was too young for it, is one my parents and I were always hoping we wouldn’t have to face.
I’ll have to have a defibrillator implanted directly into my chest, which will be able to provide and regulate the necessary heart impulses and keep cardiac activity under control when it’s irregular.
It’s not a risky operation, they tell me, but everyone knows the truth. It’s a heart operation, for God’s sake, of course there’s a risk. What’s more it’s an operation on a heart that already isn’t working too well…The risk is that this too does not solve my problems and that my body does not respond to it or worse, that it rejects the machine. There’s also the risk that I don’t survive the operation.
The risk of losing everything, myself, this life—the only thing I’ve ever known and yet lived it only in the margins, always being al
ert to risks and always taking care.
Now I’m thinking instead of the life that I’d like to live now, together with the only man I’ve ever loved.
20
JASON
“What time is Alex coming over?” I ask Rain for the umpteenth time.
“She should be here any minute now.”
“You’re sure her dad is bringing her, right? She’s not taking the bus?”
“No Jay, relax,” she says in a whisper, drying her eyes.
“What is it, Rain? You seem sad and distant tonight. Do you feel bad? Have you got a migraine?”
Since the car accident, Rain has suffered debilitating migraine headaches that wipe her out for days at a time.
“If you’re not well, you can go home, I’ll take care of things here,” I tell her, rubbing her hair.
“I-I’m fine,” she stutters before breaking out crying.
“Jesus, Rain…What is it?”
“Hey…” Liam arrives promptly behind us. “What’s happening here? What’s wrong, honey?”
Rain shakes her head repeatedly before taking refuge in Liam’s arms. He looks at me and I can see he’s scared, then he takes her away and nods his head at me.
I’m confused, I don’t understand what the heck is happening. I always worry about Rain, I can’t help it, even if I know Liam is here now to take care of her.
“Hi.” A warm, melodious voice coming from behind surprises me.
I breathe in one, two, three times before turning around and lose myself in her.
“Hello, Sunshine.” I lean in and kiss her forehead. “Is everything okay?” I ask her, immediately biting my tongue. I should not have asked this, first thing.
I get a tight smile in return and I’m afraid I’ve already screwed things up. I need time to understand how to get close to her.
Time.
The only thing I might not have.
“How’s the night going here?” she asks me, sitting on a stool.
“Pretty busy, actually.”
“Need a hand?”
“Yes. I mean, no…don’t wear yourself out.”
Two for two. One more strike and I’m out.
