by A. S. Kelly
She doesn’t need for me to tell her that if things go badly I’ll have no reason to live.
After finally having held her in my arms, after having given her everything I have, after having understood that she is love, I could never continue to exist without having her in my life.
The only thing I can do now is to make these moments unforgettable and to let her know it’s going to be alright. Love her now, because she is here now and tomorrow is promised to no one.
And so I lift her and hold her to me before bringing her to the bed and setting her down on the mattress. We look at each other for a minute and we get lost again, one in the other, as if nothing else in the world existed.
She and I, one body an infinite love. I pull off the sheet that she’s wrapped in and look her intensely in the eyes.
“I want to feel you again, Alex. Again and again…” I whisper in her ear before entering her without hesitation, without tears and without any fear.
She welcomes me, holding my glance, letting out a quiver as soon as our bodies come into contact.
And it’s music to our ears, our bodies that move together as if they had always been doing it because when you have become one person, all you need is that look of confirmation letting you know that you are in the right place with the right person.
With the person made for you.
And as I go deeper into her, she continues to look in my eyes I can feel that nothing else matters, all the rest can go to hell because as long as I’m looking at her, when I can make love to her, everything will be fine.
It has to be.
I push inside of her, surely but sweetly as she caresses my shoulder, my arms and my back running her fingers over my body and leaving little scratches on my skin that make this love burn for her in my veins and every other part of my body.
Her most intimate part squeezes against mine in a warm bite and I’d like to stay there forever when she grabs onto me from behind, using her nails and wrapping her legs around my hips. I can feel that I’m close to coming and that I can’t hold back much longer.
“You are the woman of my life,” I tell her before closing my eyes and letting it go.
I quicken the rhythm to come towards her in pleasure and in love.
To unite us now and forever.
And nothing in the world could cancel it out or take this away from us: she and I, naked, hot, one in the other—this moment of happiness will be with us all our days regardless of what happens tomorrow.
“I will be yours forever,” she says, with her hand in my hair. “Just…don’t let me go, okay? Keep me with you.”
I smile at her and kiss her lips before telling her another one of my lies.
“You will always be with me,” I promise her. Then I lay close to her and pull her in even closer.
She relaxes and turns to one side, her warm naked body pushing against mine, reminding me of what we just did together.
Love.
One, perfect love.
I hug her, kissing her shoulder and praying that whatever it is beyond this earthly life will help me maintain this promise because I can’t do anything less.
—
ALEX
I watch him sleep while I wait for my father to come pick me up. I want to watch him for a little longer, to fill my eyes with the very image of him.
He’s handsome and he’s mine.
I still can’t believe what just happened. We made love. I felt him inside of me for the first time. I felt his love mix with mine, the fusion of two souls and two bodies that belong to one another forever even after life is over.
We were made for one another and nothing could break our bond, not even death.
He moves in his sleep and turns onto his back. The sheet is barely covering him and I sigh a bit heavily at the sight of so much nakedness, so much perfection that I’d like to see it next to me every day.
“Were you staring at me, by any chance?”
Jason opens his eyes and smiles at me.
“Sorry,” I mutter, embarrassed.
He sits up.
“Don’t be sorry, you can look at me anytime you want,” he says wickedly, flashing his dimples.
I bite my lip, trying to hold back the emotion that’s about to take over. I can’t wait any more or I won’t be able to leave this room. If he kept me here even one minute more, I’d beg him to keep me and not let me go, to hide me and not make me face this. But I have to be strong and ready. I owe it to him and to myself. I have to fight with courage and determination to have other nights like this one, other moments like the ones we just had. To taste every crumb of his love with my lips.
“I have to go,” I tell him. “My father will be here any minute. They are waiting for me at the hospital.”
“Alright, I’ll get dressed and come with you.”
“No.” I stop him before he can get up. “I would prefer that you didn’t.”
“Alex…” He sighs in frustration. “I can’t leave you alone now.”
“I’m not alone and that’s not what you’re doing. You are closer to me than anyone else and always will be, even if it’s not so physically. But I prefer to go with my parents. My mom is coming today. There are going to be doctors and nurses and needles.” I am overcome with sadness.
“I can’t stay here while you’re in the hospital. I already feel impotent, let me at least be there to hold your hand, to—”
“Please!” I interrupt him. “I want to remember this…me and you. I don’t want my last memory of you to be tears and worry.”
“Alex—”
“Please do it for me. I promise that I’ll call you as soon as I have news.”
He shakes his head and gets up, putting his jeans on and comes towards me without even buttoning them up. He takes my face in his hands.
“I don’t like it, but if that’s what you need, I’ll do it. I’d do anything for you.” He kisses me sweetly. “Just, don’t do it, okay? Don’t shut me out. Because we’re in this together.”
“Together,” I repeat, next to tears.
The vibration of my telephone interrupts me, letting me know that my father is downstairs waiting for me.
“It’s time,” I say, moving away from him and heading towards the door. I grab the handle but before I can turn it Jason is behind me, hugging me and hiding his face in my hair.
“As long as you’re with me, everything will be fine. I promise.”
I nod without turning, pretending to believe him.
“And if something goes wrong? If I wake up and I’m not the same? Or it doesn’t work and they can’t find an alternative? And if—”
“And if I kissed you now?”
I turn to him, confused.
“If I kissed you now to make you stop with all this bullshit. Alex, I loved you before, when we didn’t know anything. I have loved you all this time and I love you now, as you are and with everything that it implies. I could never stop.”
“I don’t want someone who takes care of me, Jason. It’s not right.”
“I’ll tell you what isn’t right, that you think I want to take care of you when all I want is to love you. Everything else is decoration and I’m not interested in fucking picture frames, I’m interested in what’s inside of them. That’s what you are.”
Then he kisses me, slowly. He kisses the corners of my mouth, my lips, one by one and then my cheeks. He kisses my tears.
“Jason,” I whisper into his mouth.
“Yes?”
“Tonight was perfect. I could not have imagined or hoped for anything better. You are absolutely perfect. I feel so lucky. I never would have given my life to someone else. I want you to know it. I have always loved you only. Thank you for having been my best friend and for having given me these moments straight from your heart.”
“Alex…”
“And thanks for having beat up Rick Murphy, who deserved it.”
We both laugh before my phone vibrates again.
“I have to go,” I tell him, sliding away from his arms.
And as I go down the stairs and through the door of his house, I feel my heart exploding with love and feel like there is an excellent reason to stay and fight.
28
JASON
“What the fuck are you doing there?”
“Don’t you knock?”
“Wrong guy.”
Patrick comes into my room without thinking twice about it. I’m sitting on the ground in the dark and don’t really know how long it’s been. I left everything as it was, creating the illusion that she’s still here with me in this room. I can’t even look at the unmade bed for fear that the image of her body in my bed will just disappear along with everything else.
“What’s going on?” Patrick asks, sitting down next to me.
“What do you think?” I reply without looking at him.
“You’re a mess. Have you even taken a shower?”
What the hell do I care? Alex has been in the hospital since this morning having tests in preparation for the operation. She said she’d let me know when there was news but I still haven’t heard anything and I am slowly dying. My life is leaking out of my body and my mind and I’m not able to follow thoughts or move until I know everything is okay.
“Have you heard from her?”
I turn to him slowly, piercing him with my stare.
“I’m going to say no on that one.” He replies sarcastically and for a second I see the old Patrick the asshole, who everyone would like to take a turn at to vent their rage.
“Don’t you have something else to do? A woman to love? A child to take care of?” I take it out on him, because he’s Patrick, he’s strong and indestructible, able to handle anything, not weak like me.
I’m weak and a coward and completely good for nothing.
“I was just wondering what you’re doing here.”
I look at him without really listening to his words.
“She’s in the hospital, right? She’s about to go through all this shit and you’re here crying and pulling your hair out and she’s alone.”
“She asked me not to go. She’s not alone, her family is there.”
“Ah, sure, her family. And you? What are you? Let’s hear it.”
“What the hell do you want, Patrick!” I yell, getting to my feet. He does the same, and stands in front of me.
“You’re an idiot, Jay!”
“Don’t provoke me,” I say through clenched teeth, coming dangerously close to his face.
“You can punch me if it helps you feel better, friend. But the truth is you’re behaving like a selfish idiot. She’s there and you’re here crying like an idiot. You say you love her, you say she’s everything…and then? You let her go by herself?”
“You don’t know shit.”
“Right. I’m the one who never understands anything. It’s nice dumping all your faults on to me isn’t it Jason. The truth is you aren’t man enough to face all of this with her. It’s true, her family is there, let’s just swallow that bullshit. The only thing she needs is you.”
Shit. This asshole is right.
“What should I do? Go there? In this state? Pray maybe?”
“You have to go there to be by her side, that’s what you have to do,” he tells me, slapping me right across the head.
“Is it possible that you’re all a bunch of morons in this house? Do I always have to come and reason with you and pull your heads out of the sand?”
I sit on my bed with my head in my hands. “I’m not sure if I’m able to.”
“You don’t have a choice. This isn’t about you.”
Damn it. He’s right.
“Let’s go, I’ll take you.”
“You?”
“I promised her,” he says, lowering his gaze. “I promised her I would be at your side and that’s where I’m going to be. So move your ass and let’s go to your woman.”
That’s right. My woman.
I pull a hoodie out of a pile and button my jeans. We go downstairs, I flip on my shoes and we head out.
I’m going to my woman.
I’m going because I promised I would always be there no matter what. And I keep my word.
It takes about twenty minutes to get to the hospital. I think I’ve aged about ten years. Patrick is a fucking bastard. He drives like a psychopath but I confess at the moment, it’s serving me well. I hope when he’s driving his family someplace he takes more care than this.
We go to reception and ask where her room is. The nurse at the reception desk informs us that it’s not visiting hours and that we can’t go up there now.
“Hey!” Patrick says forcefully. “This asshole is here to see his woman who is about to have a heart operation. He needs to tell her that he loves her and that everything’s going to be fine. He needs to be there, okay? I don’t give a shit about your visiting hours, she needs him to be here for her.”
I look at him in silent wonder. Patrick sure does have some hidden talents.
“And now tell us the damn room number before we turn this place upside down!”
The woman looks at her co-worker, who makes a small nod with her head and then lets us know it’s room number 122 on the third floor.
I don’t even look at the escalator, I run up the stairs two at a time with my heart that feels like it’s going to jump out of my chest.
I need another look, another smile, another caress.
I need another kiss.
I need another minute with her.
We run along the hallway and someone is yelling at us but Patrick gives whoever it is the finger.
I think they’re going to physically boot us out of here.
When I get there I see her father outside of the room hugging a woman who I think must be her mother.
“Joe!” I yell, before reaching him.
He turns to me and my heart stops beating.
He’s crying.
“What is it?”
“They’re going to do the operation tomorrow morning,” he tells me, easing out of his hug and putting a hand on my back. “They’re just doing the final pre-op tests.”
“Where…please tell me.”
“I don’t know exactly. On the first floor, I think. But we can’t go there, we have to wait in the waiting room.”
I look around and Patrick is already asking around: he knows how to be very persuasive.
Joe continues speaking to me, trying to make me listen to reason, but I can’t hear him anymore. To tell the truth, I can’t hear anything other than my own heartbeat accelerating, drumming in my ears.
I see Patrick moving his lips, he makes a gesture for me to follow him but I’m not able to move. I am completely paralyzed and I can’t understand what’s happening around me.
My world is ending. My life has ended in this moment in this hospital. My self control has abandoned me. I’m shaking and I can’t stop, I can feel my legs are about to give way.
I fall to the ground, a dead weight and Patrick tries to lift me up, pulling me by the arm.
“Let’s go dude, don’t fall apart on me just yet.”
But I am. I’m falling apart. I’m imploding. I’m burning like a piece of paper, like a rough draft of a book that you will never finish because you know there’s not going to be a happy ending.
You demand it.
And I want it, for me and for her.
I want our forever.
—
ALEX
“Okay Alex, I’d say we’re just about done here. All you have to do is relax and be ready for tomorrow morning. You’ll be the first one in the operating room.”
The anaesthetist explains what I can expect. I nod along and let the doctors take care of me, trying to display a serenity I do not possess.
“Everything’s going to be fine,” she reassures me, rubbing my shoulder.
I take a few deep breaths while I’m waiting to be transferred to my room. I close my eyes and go back to thinking a
bout the last hours I spent with Jason. I touch my lip with my finger, imagining that he is kissing me again, sweet and light with his itchy beard tickling my face and his hands running along my back, his body pressed to mine.
I don’t want to cry or have regrets. I want to be calm and maintain a steady heartbeat.
The nurses accompany me to the elevator in a wheelchair as they chat about what they’re doing tonight after work. I smile to myself and can’t help envying them just a little because I’d like another night too. Just one more, to breathe next to him again.
The elevator doors open and as they bring me to my room I hear someone yelling in the hallway.
“You’re not allowed to be here! I already told you visiting hours are over and only relatives are permitted to stay overnight.”
“I am begging you, just let me talk to her. Two minutes, that’s all I’m asking.”
“It’s not possible. You’re not even part of the family.”
“Don’t make me beg you.”
“Don’t you make me have to call security.”
“You don’t understand, I have to be here!”
“You can come back tomorrow.”
“Please. That woman is all I have. She…she is my family.”
Oh my God. It’s him.
I get up off the chair and walk along the hallway going to my room where a nurse, my mom and my dad are all trying to calm him down.
“Wait!”
That’s when he notices me. His eyes find mine and he stops talking instantly. He leaves the grip of those who are trying to restrain him and stands immobile a few feet from me.
The others around us disappear, sucked into something bigger than they are, than we are, than life itself.
Love.
Jason moves slowly but he is determined and confident and at this point no one tries to stop him.
You can’t stop love.
“Alex…” he barely whispers, rocked by emotion, exhaustion and the frustration that he feels in this moment.
Then he falls to the ground, kneeling before me, consumed by exhaustion. At that point I drop to my knees too and stretch my hand to his face and touch his beard. He looks up and I get lost there in his eyes, which tell me everything I need to know without any words being spoken.
