by A. S. Kelly
“What the fuck is wrong now? Can’t I take a break?”
Rain steps backwards with frightened eyes. I breathe in slowly, trying to calm myself down. I can’t attack her like that. I can’t be this way with anyone.
“Excuse me. I’m sorry. I’ll be there in a minute.”
“O-okay,” she says, not convinced.
I take a few more yoga breaths and go back there for this stupid night that seems like it’s been going on for ten years.
Work. That’s what I need. Keep myself busy, find something to make sense of it because even opening my eyes seems like an incredible effort right now.
I go to the other side of the counter and start putting away the mess Patrick has made, swearing at him for breaking my balls like this.
One day I’m going to break his head for real.
I stop myself for a second to breathe and get some control back before returning to work when two cold hands cover my eyes.
I’m dead and I’m in paradise or whatever the fuck you want to say.
Her scent hits me full on and the anxiety I had a second ago melts away like a broken spell, together with my heart, that starts beating furiously. God, I pray, don’t let it be another one of my dreams that have been plaguing me for these last two months.
I turn slowly without touching her hands, which slide away the second I find myself in front of her.
There she is, back as large as life to slap me around some more, telling me that nothing is over, then she shakes me by the shoulders and gives me another chance.
With her.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“So that’s how you’re going to greet me?”
I put my hands on her waist because I’m scared to touch her. I’m terrified by her presence. Now that I’ve discovered what it means to love her, I shake every time at the thought that death could tear her away from me.
“Hello, love.”
Her color is better. She isn’t well. Listening to her doctors, she never will be. But she is alive, here, in front of me.
That’s all that matters.
We don’t know if it’s going to happen again, if she’ll have another heart attack, if she’s got a month in front of her or twenty more years. It’s not important. I have decided to live in the present. I have decided to take every occasion and not waste time. We still have a little bit of time and I can only be thankful for every heartbeat that we are given.
It is a gift.
“What? How?” Jesus, I can’t string two words together.
“I wanted to surprise you. I got out this morning. My dad brought me over,” she says, pointing over her shoulder.
I nod at Joe, who unlike Alex, seems to have lost ten years of his life, but he’s smiling at me too, visibly relieved.
“I couldn’t wait,” she says, coming close to my ear. “I wanted to see you.”
I smile at her like a jackass in love. Well, I am, aren’t I?
And how could I blame her? I almost lost her. The operation, the intensive care therapy, the days of confusion and unawareness. The constant convulsions, the fucking endless needles, the oxygen, the beep, beep, beep ringing in my ears.
The operation was fine, but the recovery was difficult. Alex came out of it weak and terribly debilitated. It took her two days to open her eyes. Two motherfucking days I sat in that plastic chair next to her, holding her hand, whispering her name, begging her not to leave me, to come back to me.
I fucking implored her, and I’m not embarrassed about that.
Come back to me. However you can, come back.
Desperate? Yes. But I don’t know what I would have done if she had decided not to open her eyes and look at me and smile at me despite everything.
“Everything okay?” I ask her shyly. “Are you well?”
“You’re going to ask me that every day, aren’t you?”
Uh, yes. Yes I am.
“No,” I lie. “I just want to know if you’re ready to come home, that’s all.”
“I am ready. I couldn’t stand it there anymore. I missed my house, my friends, this place and you. I missed you.”
Low blow. Now there’s nothing more I can add.
“Alex?” I ask her.
“Yes?”
“I can’t take it anymore. I need it…”
She looks at me, confused.
“I’m about to kiss you now, okay?’
She breaks out laughing and it warms my heart.
“Don’t faint, I’m telling you.”
“It’s just a kiss Jason, you overestimate yourself,” she teases.
Holy God, do I love her.
“It’s the first real kiss after a very long time, Alex. You have no idea what it might contain…there could be—”
“Jay,” she interrupts me.
“Jason,” I correct her, touching her face.
“Kiss me and shut up.”
And so I do.
My lips rest on hers again. It’s not that I haven’t kissed her in the last two months, but she was in the hospital, with doctors and nurses and family. You know, not exactly the most romantic setting. And she’s been so weak, I didn’t want to stress her. I had to content myself, let’s say. But now that she’s here I just want to kiss her for the rest of her life. For the rest of our lives together.
I would do it all again, every moment, even the darkest ones because the sum total has brought us to this point tonight in this pub which by now seems to be our meeting place, our house, the place where our extended family gathers. I’d do anything to have all this.
And I kiss her. Air that fills my lungs and the love I feel growing every second that passes fills my life, which before running into hers didn’t have value or importance. It was nothing compared to this.
The two of us. Forever.
Our forever.
“Alex,” I mutter, catching my breath. “You’ve just been released from the hospital. Your father is staring at me, Rain is crying behind you, like usual. Patrick has that same smart-ass smirk on his face that you’d like to help him rub off.”
She laughs so hard it rises above the noise in the pub.
“What the hell…”
“Sorry,” she says, kissing me again. “It’s just that this is all so perfect. You are perfect.”
“Knock it off. This place is a fucking dive. We are four senseless idiots who preferred to put their money into this instead of doing something worthwhile. Rain starts crying every time she seems someone happy, sad, angry and God knows what else. Patrick is never leaving the ‘hopeless asshole’ zone. Aaron continues to not want to show the world his real…interests. And if he could hear me now, he’d kick me to Belfast. We are damned imperfect and we could never be more than this, believe me.”
“That’s just what I like. This place, you all, this…family. I adore it in all its imperfection because that’s what makes it special and unique. Because it makes me perfect, and I can tell you that I’m far from perfect myself. Here with you, I just feel like myself.”
I didn’t think I could be any happier and instead, I was wrong. This woman is giving me everything, everything I needed. With her and all of them, I don’t feel alone, I never feel in danger, defeated or angry.
I feel good, I feel like I belong to someone, like I have a specific reason to be here. I feel like I still have infinite possibilities.
I feel love around me, the love I’ve been missing all these years since my mother died. And I only now understand that I’m to blame if I’ve let myself fall into darkness and solitude.
I created these walls with my own hands, leaving everything else outside. But there are no walls now.
Now I just want to be Jason.
A son.
A friend.
A man who loves.
—
ALEX
“Oh, honey, finally!” Rain comes to me, hugging me tightly.
“Hey, we just saw each other three days ago.”
�
�I know, but it’s so good to have you here.”
“And I like being here. I brought my father and an extra friend,” I add.
The guys wanted to organize something to celebrate all together.
They called in some extra help to cover the workload. They wanted to go out, but the fact is I like it here.
Only4You is like home for me.
“Hi Joe and hello—”
“Kenny. I’m Jason’s father.”
“Oh,” Rain exclaims, putting her hand in front of her mouth. “We’ve already met, haven’t we?” she asks, worrying that her memory is playing tricks on her.
“It’s not important, Rain. It was a long time ago.”
“I’m sorry,” she says getting sad, but I squeeze her hand to show her it’s alright.
“Let’s go find a table.” They invite me to follow them. Kenny is a bit nervous, Jason doesn’t know he’s coming here but it was important for me to have him come to participate tonight and for him to be part of our lives. He is his father and Jason must give him this opportunity.
I see him hunched over near the stage. He’s setting up some cables. I go up to him like always and cover his eyes. He stops for a second.
“Darling,” he says without turning.
I let my hands go and hug him from behind. He caresses my fingers before turning and taking me in his arms.
“I’ve missed you.”
“We saw each other yesterday.”
“Too long ago,” he adds seriously.
“Well, I’m here now and I brought someone with me. I hope you won’t mind.”
“Anything you want,” he says, causing me to shake with emotion.
“Hi Jason.”
Kenny joins us, keeping his hands in his jacket pocket, embarrassed.
“Dad?”
“Alex called me, so…so I came with her and Joe. Is that…alright with you?”
Jason shrugs his shoulders and gives him an unconvincing “Okay”. I look at him and I look at Kenny and I think they could both try a little harder to make this work and get back to being a family.
“It was my idea,” I interject, feeling the need to help Kenny a bit.
“It’s okay, dear. Don’t worry about it. Dad, I’m glad you came.”
Kenny nods and looks around self-consciously and Jason winks at me whispering a ‘thanks’ that makes my heart beat quickly.
And not in a negative way.
“Alex, let’s go sit down,” Rain says, pulling me along with her. “You shouldn’t stand up too much. You’ll tire yourself out.”
I huff a bit but obey. I am a bit weak, the recovery is long and slow but I’m giving it everything I’ve got. For now things are going pretty well, aside from the scar tissue on my heart and this thing that regulates my heartbeat. I have to get over it and just accept it.
There are no cures, or remedies. There are little adjustments that can help me live longer. I hope I will live a long time because I don’t want to miss anything.
This is what I am. Fragile and vulnerable, but alive and in love. So, so in love.
I take my place next to Rain and Erin while my father and Kenny sit at the counter, chatting. The guys take the stage and prepare for a little concert.
I relax and breathe normally. No anxiety or fear. I’ve also stopped continuously counting my heartbeat. The only thing that counts for me now are the hours I spend away from Jason when we are apart.
We see each other every day, yes, but he’s always busy with the pub when I’m at home. I haven’t gone back to work and I don’t know when I’ll be able to. They won’t let me be here every night because they say I’ll wear myself out, at least that’s the case for the moment.
Jason takes the mic and greets the people.
“Good evening everyone. This is a special evening. In fact, we should be closed tonight, but since you lushes who get by on state aid wouldn’t know where else to go, we decided to let you stay here, just don’t break our balls.”
I laugh because Jason is always so serious when he makes these little speeches, like he has no idea what’s coming out of his mouth.
“Okay, you can bother us a little bit, just as long as you’re spending your money so we can keep this shithole going and feed our families, because yes, this is our family. A bit large and atypical, but that’s what it is. We’ve grown up together, we are friends and brothers. Some of us are even in love. Except for Aaron, who won’t come out of the closet. Okay, okay. Enough bullshit. I’m here to tell you all that I’m the one who is in love, dear friends. There she is, can you see her?
“She’s next to Rain. This is my Alex. Get used to seeing her sweet face because you’re going to be seeing it a lot around here…and don’t even think about it, Steve. I saw you. Don’t even try to think about her working with a sexy uniform on. I’ll break your face.”
I have never heard Jason give such a long confused introduction before.
“I’m digressing again, but the truth is I have to say something and I don’t know how it’s going to go over. You know, two months ago I was about to lose her, and it wasn’t the first time. But someone decided to give me another chance and I don’t intend to waste even one more minute without her. So Alex, know that after tonight I will not leave you alone again. You have always been my only weakness, but since you’ve been with me you’ve become my strength. You are my dream come true every day and from today onwards I will stand guard over your dreams to ensure that they are always good ones and that you won’t slide out of my life again.”
Rain is sobbing next to me and Liam is shaking his head in understanding from the stage. I take the tissue out of her hand and dry my own eyes because someone left the faucet on. I am completely in tears, emotional and grateful.
Loved.
“Cut it short and let’s have this song already.” Patrick takes the mic away from him and everyone starts laughing.
Then Jason shakes his head too and gets into position. He puts his fingers on the guitar strings and smiles.
And as Liam sings his smile opens even wider.
I live in a castle where no one can come near… And every wall was laid with bricks of mortar and tears… I swore I’d never lower down this old bridge again… Every word you speak, my walls crumble in… When we both sing out.
And I smile too, between my tears and my joy with all of the tenderness he is giving me. With all of the love in his eyes, lips and body.
There was a time when I could tell you for sure… That love was just a cruel charade of… Empty words and promises to break… But something in the way that you are… Makes me wanna start again.
This is the start of our new life together. Lost time doesn’t matter. My illness doesn’t matter, the tears, the suffering.
With all the crippling fear that heartache can bring… Darling if you take my hand… I’ll walk with you from winter into spring… Something in the way that you are… Keeps me hanging on again.
It is he who has walked me to spring. It’s he who made me believe again and who gives me new life every day. He taught me to believe and to hope.
And to love.
He comes down from the stage straight towards us and the people look on. He stops in front of me, flashing me with his famous dimples in all of their splendour.
“You made me a complete man. You have given me new life. You have taught me how to take risks and to love. I love you Alex McBride and the only thing I want to do from now on is to watch you, to smile at you and tell you how much I love you. I want to give you the ever-after that you deserve. Our happily-ever-after.”
“Our happily-ever-after,” I mutter.
“And I want you to be part of my family, of this family of crazy good-for-nothings whom I know will welcome you with open arms because that’s how it works. So…Alex, with Joe’s permission of course—” he adds, looking at my father who raises his glass in agreement, “—I’d like to bring you home and take care of you and no…don’t make that face because
it’s not what you’re thinking. I want to take care of you because that’s what you do when you love someone. You offer her a house, strong arms to hold her at night. When you love a person, like I love you, you want to protect her so nothing bad happens. And you make promises to each other. I promise you that I will love you more than anything else in the world and that I’ll piss you off any time you want.
“That you can yell and cry and slap me if necessary, but that I’ll be happy because that’s why I’m here in this life. To make you happy.”
With Rain’s hysterical sobbing in my ear, I can hardly even think about what he’s said. But do I really need to think about it?
So I take a deep breath and reply in kind.
“And if I wanted to make a promise?” I say in a shaky voice as he raises an eyebrow and smiles wickedly at me.
“Let’s hear it,” he challenges.
“What if I want to take care of you too? And make you angry. Maybe even break a few plates. Make you go to sleep on the couch when we fight. Make you smile like you are now. Offer you two arms to welcome you every night that will never get tired of doing so. If I wanted to promise to make you happy and love you more than anything else all the days of my life? If I wanted to take on that responsibility and give you our happy-ever-after. What would you say to that?”
He continues to look at me with his big eyes full of love. He smiles with his dimples.
“I’d say we could do it.”
PLAYLIST
Rainy Days
The Ghost Of You, My Chemical Romance, May Death Never Stop You
I’ll See You Again, Westlife, Where We Are
I’m Not Okay (I Promise), My Chemical Romance, May Death Never Stop You
Here With Me, Dido, Greatest Hits
Because Of You, Kelly Clarkson, Breakaway
The Man Who Can’t Be Moved, The Script, The Script
Never Say Never, The Fray, The Fray
Something In The Way That You Are, The Reign Of Kindo, Rhythm, Chord & Melody
BIOGRAPHY
A.S. Kelly was born in Italy but lives in Ireland with her husband, two children and a cat named Oscar. She’s passionate about English literature, is a music lover and addicted to coffee. She spends her days in a small village North of Dublin, looking for inspiration for her next stories.
