Later. Sooner. Now. Never.
Meaningless.
Someone was knocking at my door.
I climbed out of bed, grabbing my glasses on the way out of the room. I squinted through the peephole to see Devin standing there, his broad, angular face in profile. Of course it was him. No one else would have gotten past the doorman, but what to do now? I hadn’t expected him to come. I had no words prepared, and very little energy. I was wearing a nightgown with kittens on it.
“Open the door,” he said, so I did.
“I don’t want to talk about Leo.” I turned away from him as soon as he entered, cowed by his outsize presence in my living room. “I don’t want you to try to help me.”
“You already told me not to help you. That’s ‘not what I’m for.’”
As he said it, his fingers wove into my hair. I closed my eyes and lifted my face for his kiss. It landed, as hard and forceful as I expected, and I leaned against him as his body aligned to mine.
“No one should hurt you,” he said, pulling away and making me meet his gaze.
“No one but you?”
“It’s not the same thing.” His fingers tightened, moving up my arms. “I want to protect you. Not because I’m falling in love with you, because I’m not. It’s because of what happened to my mom. I couldn’t defend her, but I can defend you.”
I cringed inside, cringed away from his goodness and strength, the depth of personality hidden beneath his Domly alpha attitude. No falling in love. That was our agreement.
“Why did you come here?” I said, my voice on edge.
“To explain why I can’t let it drop, why I lost my shit when you confided in me.”
“But I need you to let it drop.” I squirmed in his grasp. “It’s my life. My career. If you get in my business, you’re just like him. I’m trying to be a big girl.”
“Are you?” He got that twitching curve to his lips, the lazy smile that always unnerved me. We were in a fight, weren’t we? I was angry with him, angry that he was good, and trying to help me yet again. Kindness and sadism didn’t belong together. “How big are you?” he asked, promising bedlam. “As big as me?”
“No.” I forced the word out through a rising wave of lust. Don’t do this, I wanted to beg him. Don’t make me feel so many feelings for you. But he was only being himself. I was the weak one, the one who was becoming obsessed, who was starting to wonder how I could live without him if he disappeared from my life.
“You should go,” I said, even though I didn’t want him to go. My lips wanted more of his rough kisses. My pussy throbbed from the way he held me, and the way he crowded my personal space. “I have to work tomorrow.”
“So do I.” One of his hands moved down to cup my ass, drawing me forward against his erection, hard and stiff beneath the denim of his jeans. “I think I might want to hurt you a little first.”
“Yes, because I like to be hurt,” I said, repeating his scornful words from earlier, the words that had made me feel bad. Yes, I was angry with him. No, I didn’t love him. I didn’t even like him. I didn’t. I really didn’t.
I didn’t.
He ignored my resistance and kissed me again, roughly, nipping my lower lip. My hands, which had been trapped against his chest, moved up to circle his neck. I clung to him in capitulation as he ravaged my mouth, and a moment later, I was lifted in his arms, big hands under my ass, drawing me up against him. How big are you? As big as me?
He felt very big as he carried me down the hall to my bedroom, kissing me, raking his nails across my back as I crossed my legs around his hips. When he dropped me on the bed, I started to take off my glasses, but he told me to leave them on, so I straightened them after he yanked off my nightgown, and held onto them as he wrestled my panties down my legs.
“Spread your thighs,” he said, pushing them apart. I did as he asked, letting him see how ready I was as he tore off his sweater and unbuttoned his jeans. His cock sprang out, heavy and thick with arousal. I wanted to take it in my mouth and worship it, but he fell on me instead, grabbing my wrists.
“Look at me,” he said. “Fucking look at me, Ella. I need to see you, so I don’t hurt you the wrong way again.”
“The wrong way? What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
I was afraid to see the intensity of feeling in his eyes. This was pain for me, and he knew it.
“Keep your legs spread,” he snapped, when I started edging them together. His hands tightened on my wrists as I finally met his gaze. He shoved inside me, hard, prying me open, sliding through moisture that didn’t mask the sensation of being impaled. I hissed as he drove in all the way. Even if I wanted to move my hips, I couldn’t have, because he was so deep in my pussy, his weight on top of me. His body. His stare.
I fought the grip at my wrists, opening and closing my hands. He answered by fucking me harder, in and out, deep and deeper, using his cock as a weapon. I cried out at the violence of it, but I was excited, too. I was spread out beneath him, helpless and held down, lifting my hips for his thrusts out of self-preservation.
When I looked away, unable to bear the intimacy of his fucking, he let go of one wrist and grabbed my face, and made me turn back to him. There was mayhem in his eyes as his fingers squeezed my cheeks. “I see you,” he said. “Even if you close your eyes, I still see you.”
Without my glasses, I could have drifted, seen everything in blurs. I tried to take them off with my free hand, but he made a sound that stopped me. I was going to come soon, just from his pure, cruel, unadulterated ownership. He grasped my wrist again and kissed me, raking his teeth across my lips and down my neck. He bit my earlobe and I bucked into an orgasm as violent as the fucking that caused it.
I forced air through my teeth as my pussy contracted around his ramming tool. I was held down, emptied out, then filled with a driving thrust and his cum. He drew back to look at me, but I was finished. I turned my head to the side so the tears he’d fucked out of me would fall on the bed rather than down my cheeks.
He made a sound that was both impatient and affectionate as he laid his head beside mine. He nuzzled me as he pulled out, letting go of my hands to wipe away my tears. “Why are you crying?” he asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Of course you know. You’re a fucking genius. You know everything.”
But that wasn’t true. He knew by now that wasn’t true at all.
He shifted some of his weight off me and took me in his arms, cradling me against his body. He was a firm, warm, comfortable haven. I shoved my face against the crook of his shoulder and breathed in his scent. One of his big hands moved across my forehead, soothing me, covering my eyes. It let me feel, rather than look. I felt protected. I felt safe. I felt…
Loved.
No, not loved. What we had together wasn’t love, but it was fulfilling. I felt intense peace, with my mind shut off and my body in a post-orgasm haze of pleasure. His skin was smooth and warm, and his smell was perfect: clean, natural, human.
“I didn’t want to leave things the way they were,” he said as I sighed against his shoulder. “Do you feel like things are better again?”
“Things are always better after you fuck me,” I said. “You have a magic cock.”
He pinched my earlobe, the same one he’d bitten. “There’s something magic about you, too.”
Those words settled in my heart. They made me feel happy, but scared, so when he told me he had an early flight, I was relieved to let him go. Better to give up those strong arms willingly, and sleep on my own.
Both of us needed space after what had just happened. I needed space to struggle with my rioting feelings, and he had to go fly somewhere, far too high in the air.
Chapter Twenty: Devin
Ella told me she didn’t want my help, but it wasn’t that easy. I had to help. I just did.
I did an Internet search for Dr. Leopold Mann and found his name all over the latest research on cosmology an
d gravitational waves. I stared at his face. So punchable. That was the first thing I’d thought when he sat beside Ella in the Institute cafeteria and acted like her space was his space.
Her space was my space. Her body was mine to look after. I was the one who took care of her every week when we went to The Gallery, even if I shared her to make it more exciting for her. Her oily, jackass boss had pictures of Ella’s body, which he was using to manipulate her, and that wasn’t okay.
But she was right. A court case wouldn’t do anything to help her. In fact, it would be the surest way to make sure everyone in her career circle knew about her and Leo Mann, and their disputed sex photos. There weren’t any pics of her online at present. I looked. I searched kinky scientist and BDSM astrophysicist, astro masochist, gravitational bondage, and just about every other search term, including her physical attributes and name, and found nothing but professional headshots and conference photos.
I brooded about the problem until I got back from my weekly flight route, and decided to take matters into my own hands, and just explain to the motherfucker that I wasn’t going to let him hold the photos over Ella’s head. If I punched him enough times…
No. Ella would be mad enough about my interference. I couldn’t make a big scene, especially one that might land me in jail. But I would make a small scene, just between the two of us, as soon as I had some leverage over him. I picked up my phone and dialed my father’s number.
“Devin!” he said. “How are you?”
“I’m fine, dad. How are you?”
“Great, thanks. Man, it’s too bad your mom’s not here right now. She loves when you call, but she’s out seeing some racy movie with her friends.”
I cough-laughed. “Oh, lord.”
“I know. Some stripper movie or something. God love ’em. So how’ve you been? Still enjoying the transatlantic routes?”
“Yeah. I like the schedule.” I sat on the couch, kicking off my shoes. “And I met someone interesting a few months ago. In Italy. She’s a scientist.”
“Oh.” His oh was curious, but also delighted.
“She’s not Italian,” I elaborated. “She’s American, a theoretical astrophysicist. I flew her over here to work with a think tank at the NSF Institute.”
I tried to sound casual in my feelings for her, so my parents wouldn’t start planning our wedding. They’d wanted me to settle down forever, but that wasn’t easy for a working pilot.
“An astrophysicist,” my dad repeated. “A bit brainier than your usual types.”
“We’re not dating or anything. We’re…more like friends.” I wrinkled my nose, because I sounded like an asshole. “Anyway, she’s working with things like gravitational waves, time and space, measuring the universe. Even things like time travel.” I was babbling. My father let me do it. He was probably amused. “I think her project is funded through the end of this year, but I was wondering… Well, they’re always looking for sponsors.”
“I see.”
“I could donate my own money,” I said quickly. I had plenty of it, because my father had set me up to succeed. “But I thought it might be great for Gibraltar to get involved. The science is new and interesting, and the applications are boundless.”
“We are a travel company.” My dad fell silent a moment, thinking. “We donate a lot of money to charities, but rarely scientific endeavors. With your special connection…” I could hear the smile in his voice. “This might be a good place to start. Do they accept corporate donations?”
“They accept all donations. It takes big, specialized labs to detect these waves they measure, and money to fund the research. They have some federal backing, but I just thought…”
“Of course. Always looking for worthy causes to support.” I could hear his smile broaden in the way he spoke to me. “What’s this scientist’s name?”
“Dr. Ella Novatny.” I spelled the last name, knowing he’d write it down. “And she didn’t ask me to ask you. But she’s dedicated and industrious, and it’s not easy being a woman in a male-dominated field.”
“Yes. I imagine not.”
I rubbed my forehead, wishing I could tell him the real reason I wanted to donate to Ella’s think tank. Money was power. I needed power over a certain asshole, and money was the way to go. “Well, thanks, dad,” I said. “I just want to support her. She deserves it.”
“Of course. I’m glad you asked me about this. Send me some information to share with the board, and I’ll see what we can put together for your friend and her fellow scientists.”
He said friend like it was encased in air quotes, but I didn’t care. If he thought I was developing a relationship with Ella, he’d be even more likely to support her research project with lots of cash.
As I’d hoped, the sponsorship deal was extended less than a week later, a cordial offer from Gibraltar Air to donate heavily to ACE Con’s projects, including an upcoming interferometer build in upstate New York. The offer was presented to their leader, Dr. Leopold Mann, who was delighted with the influx of support.
As soon as he accepted it, I made an appointment to meet him in person as a representative of Gibraltar. It was time for a serious talk.
*
I approached Leo to introduce myself the moment he arrived at the park near the NSF Institute. He responded with an effusive greeting, taking my hand.
“You’re Devin Kincaid? I’m so grateful for Gibraltar’s generosity,” he began, but then he squinted against the afternoon sun. “Wait. I’ve met you before, haven’t I?”
“We have a mutual friend,” I said, letting go of his hand, resisting the urge to wipe mine off afterward. “Ella Novatny.”
“Ah, yes, our wonderful Ellie. What a fantastic theorist, as imaginative as they come, which is an important trait in our line of work. But you should have come to the office.” He looked around the city park where I’d asked him to meet me. “After Gibraltar’s generous pledge of support, I would have been honored to introduce you to everyone—”
“I’ve been to the office,” I said, cutting him off. “And I didn’t ask you here to talk about the ACE Consortium.”
One of his dark, overgrown brows rose. “Oh?”
His “oh” was one hundred percent disingenuous. What had she ever seen in him? He was such an oily bastard. “I recently learned you had a relationship with Ella when she was in college. When she was nineteen years old, by the way. How old were you then?”
His insincere smile turned to something even more grating. “I remember meeting you now. You’re the pilot.” He blinked at me, all innocence. “I was a few years older than Ella, yes, but we had a healthy relationship. A consensual relationship, if you know what I mean.”
“I know what you mean,” I said, answering his unspoken query. Yes, I was kinky, too. Yes, I was onto his shit.
His eyes narrowed as he checked me out. “I had a feeling you two were more than friends. Is she still a glutton for pain?”
“None of your business.”
He burst into forced laughter. “I’ll take that as a yes. I have to tell you, in all these years, I’ve never met anyone quite like her. So capable, so driven, and yet so willing to offer her body for whatever the hell you want to—”
“I’m not here to shoot the shit with you.” My rough tone shut him up, which was good, because my stomach churned when he talked about her that way. My hands curled into fists as I focused on his weaselly gaze. “Ella tells me you have photos you’re using to control her. Is that true?”
“Control’s a strong word.”
I took a step closer. “What word would you prefer I use? Blackmail? Extortion? Illegal coercion? Revenge porn? Take your pick, asshole.”
Any remaining mirth in his punchable expression bled away. “If we’re not here to talk about ACE Con, or Gibraltar’s generous donation toward our research, then I’m going to get back to the Institute. I’m a busy man.”
I caught his arm, exerting pressure with my fingers. He took it l
ike a pussy and stopped trying to walk away. “I’d like to go now,” he said. “If you’ll release me—”
“You’re not going anywhere until we talk things over, Leopold. You see, I happen to care about our mutual friend Ella. I don’t like to see her taken advantage of.”
“Look, she needed to be here,” he said, shoving out his chin. “She’s so flighty and neurotic, she always has been. She needed…motivation. I did what I had to do.”
“That’s fucking bullshit, and you’re an asshole.”
I increased my grip on his upper arms. I wanted to pummel him. He looked around for someone to rescue him, but this area of the park was dead.
“Men who bully women are the worst kind of shit-sucking scum,” I said, getting in his face. “Do you know how I know that? Because I watched my father bully my mother, and I was just a kid, motherfucker. I was four years old, and I knew it was wrong. I watched him beat her and control her, and manipulate her until she didn’t know which end was up, because he was a fucking asswipe, and so are you.”
“Let go of me,” he whined in a shaky voice.
“And I decided, when I was four fucking years old, that I would never let anyone hurt a woman again if I could help it. So here’s what we’re going to do.” I shook him to regain his attention. “You’re going to promise Ella right now, today, that you’re going to delete her pictures, and never threaten her with them again. After that, you’re going to leave her alone, understand? You’re not going to think about her, or look at her, or talk to her in the cafeteria, or have anything to do with her outside whatever science-y shit has to go on. Because if you ever interact with her again in a way that offends or hurts her, I will make you pay. My family has a lot of money, Leopold. Enough money to donate to your fucking project, but also enough money to screw up your life, you know what I’m saying?”
Deep Control Page 15
