The Intangibles

by Alexander Astremsky

  Billy eventually snapped out of it and moved back a step, letting her in.

  “Here’s our black queen,” he said with a lustful grin. “Darling, I was about to cut your pay in half for being late all the time, and you can thank your goddamn beauty that I haven’t done so.”

  He laughed at his own joke, but no one else joined in. The blonde looked at the other girl indifferently with her jaw still moving about, and Joe was just staring at Leeza, barely listening to Billy.

  “Okay, now.” Billy rubbed his hands and picked up his tablet. “In a minute we’ll be on the air. We’ve worked out the script. By the way, Emma, do you play chess?”

  The blonde hesitated a little, then continued to chew her gum and shook her head, no.

  “I thought so,” chuckled Billy. “Here’s all you need to know: normally, there are several pieces in the game, but we’ll have just three: the white queen, the black queen and… the knight.” Bill nodded toward Joe. “And one more thing. Our client loves to play chess. That’s all you need to know about this game. Ready. Action!” He stared at his tablet, moving his fingers on the screen.

  A little red light appeared on the camera. Two pairs of smoky eyes looked at the stud in leather pants who approached the bed. The blonde licked her plump lips and slowly reached for his fly.

  Suddenly a figure appeared in the dimly lit hallway. Billy turned around and his jaw dropped as he noticed a nerdy-looking guy standing in the doorway. It remained a mystery as to how he’d gotten there. The guy backed toward the exit and tried to disappear into the darkness. Joe also noticed the stranger, and was now looking at Billy with a question in his eyes. Billy motioned Joe to keep going and went after the uninvited guest.

  The heavy door did not give in to the stranger, who was jerking the door knob in panic, trying to find the lock.

  “Who are you?” Billy moved in on him and whispered.

  “I… ummmm… I have to… have to go. I got here by mistake. Let me… go.”

  “Who are you, dammit?” Billy fixed his eyes on Eddie. “And how did you get in here?”

  The light from the bedroom exposed Eddie, who looked completely frightened, in total dismay. Billy’s eyes bugged out as he watched him. He didn’t pay attention to his incomprehensible mumbling but reached and started to go through Eddie’s clothes. He got a white ID card with Eddie’s picture from his greasy pants.

  Billy studied the ID card and chuckled.

  “So, you work here? Where exactly?”

  “I… here… in an office… nearby.” Eddie waved his hand in an indefinite direction.

  “How did you enter this suite, idiot?” Billy continued to interrogate Eddie in a low voice.

  “I… wrong door…” Eddie mumbled and looked down.

  “Horseshit!” Billy measured Eddie up. “Come here!” He grabbed Eddie by the elbow and pulled him toward the bedroom.

  He stopped at the entrance to the room, where a “chess game” was being played for all its worth. Without getting in front of the camera, Billy got Leeza’s attention and beckoned to her. Her eyes got as round as they possibly could. She crawled from under Joe and approached Billy.

  She disdainfully scanned Eddie and looked at Billy, who put his finger to his lips. Leeza threw up her hands in question.

  Billy pointed at Eddie and then at the bed. Leeza pulled a long face. Billy insisted and whispered something in her ear. Right away she grabbed the flummoxed Eddie by the hand and dragged him toward the bed.

  The couple that was playing their “game of chess,” all too vehemently, paused and stared at Leeza and her companion.

  But she behaved like a true actress. Totally matter-of-factly, she looked at Eddie.

  “And this is my knight,” she said and pushed him onto the bed.

  Eddie fixed his glasses, fidgeted and crawled toward the pillows, trying to escape from the aggressive “black queen.”

  Leeza was playing her part impeccably. Her smile that didn’t leave her face for an instant was disguising the lightning bolts, which were about to flash from her eyes. She suddenly took off Eddie’s shoes and threw them at Billy, who ducked, missing him by less than an inch.

  Emma sat there with a blank look for a second, but then realized that another player had joined the game and also started to pull his clothes off.

  Eddie tried his best to resist, but it was all in vain. Shortly, all his garments were lying on the floor and Leeza was squeamishly pulling off the last piece: his ancient briefs. The “knight” might have been away on a quest for a while and had no chance to change his underwear.

  When the unpleasant part was finished, Leeza looked down to find him totally limp. The blonde was looking at him with disappointment too.

  “Let me go!” Eddie whined, casting a haunted look at Billy.

  All the others also looked at Billy, with an unspoken question in their eyes.

  The director, however, showed no mercy, waved his hand and ordered the girls to continue. They looked at each other as if flipping a quarter to decide who would have to do it, and Emma heaved a helpless sigh and crawled up to Eddie.

  The three actors covered the new player with their bodies, and Billy didn’t see what happened in the next instant. Emma screamed in terror and drew herself up. Her round eyes opened even wider so that her eyelashes touched her eyebrows. Joe and Leeza seemed petrified. They all looked at the spot where Eddie had been lying a moment ago.

  Billy carefully moved from the entrance toward the fireplace, and what he saw made him stop in his tracks. Instead of a naked Eddie, the only thing under Emma were the white, wrinkled sheets. The “white queen” stared at him with a stupid look, as if she was unable to handle the short-circuit in her brain.

  Billy stood still for another moment, but Joe confusedly looking straight into the camera brought him round. He started to wave his hands like mad, trying to get the “black knight” back to square one.

  Joe immediately jumped onto Emma, saving her from overstraining her wits and thinking about the mysterious disappearance of the other knight.

  * * *

  Max was pacing the office, looking at his watch and nervously rubbing his hands. Now and then he looked at the wall into which Eddie had blended twenty minutes ago. He still had the glasses on, so he would see the intangible body once it appeared.

  Suddenly, a blue outline came into sight by the door. Eddie walked into the office and approached Max. The outline nervously shivered and reached out, as if trying to tell him something.

  Eddie materialized fully naked, looking around in fear and panting.

  “What the hell?” said Max, slightly shocked. “Where are your clothes?”

  “It… there… I… they…” Eddie sniffed and mumbled.

  “Where have you been?”

  “Wandering the offices.”

  “Damn it, why didn’t you come back on time?”

  “I could not. Why didn’t you warn me?”

  “Warn you about what? Didn’t we agree that you’d be here in ten minutes?”

  “You didn’t warn me that I’d disappear and then rematerialize! It happened all by itself!”

  “Its fail-safe triggered. You materialized, didn’t enter the code, the Switch dematerialized you after ten minutes and then got you back to normal.”

  “What code? Why haven’t you told me about this mode?” Eddie screamed.

  “Because we agreed that you come back in ten minutes. You said you could perfectly handle a ten-minute interval, didn’t you? Look, dumbass, where did you go and where did you leave your clothes?”

  Eddie looked away.

  “What? Did anybody see how you disappeared?”

  “No!” yelled Eddie. “I don’t report to you! You almost killed me! You should have told me about those settings! About the code! Yet you withheld it from me!”

  Eddie narrowed his eyes, his hands moving erratically in front of Max’s face. When he finished, Max walked to one of the drawers and got some clothes out. They we
re totally wrinkled, making him look like a bum. He picked up the backpack and walked toward the door.

  “Where are you going?” asked Max.

  “What do you care? You never really cared about me,” snapped Eddie. Then he opened the door and dashed out of the office.

  CHAPTER 3

  Spider for the Stud

  Eddie walked fast, watching his steps and not looking around. Everything that had just happened gave him a lump-in-the-throat feeling.

  Soon he found himself at an old, small, three-story mansion off the main street. He walked up the stairs, pulled the door knob, and opened the heavy oak door. The plaque read, “The Church of the Spider: May the Penitent Be Forgiven.”

  He entered and headed for the security booth. In this well-lit hall, characters of religious stories looked at him from the posters on the walls.

  “Welcome, Eddie, brother!” The security guard smiled and got up from his chair. “It’s been a while since I saw you at our services.”

  “Hello,” Eddie answered. “Well, busy all the time, didn’t have a chance to come. I need to see Adrian. Is he here?”

  “Yes, and he’s available now. Come in.” The security guard pointed to the dimly lit hallway behind his desk.

  “Thanks.”

  Eddie walked by the booth, with CCTV’s watching him from above. He turned right and found himself in a long hallway. There were more religious posters on the walls. Scenarios of Hell were pictured on the right and of Heaven on the left. This hallway always gave Eddie a funny feeling, so he sped up involuntarily and made his way to the open door, behind which was a spacious hall with rows of chairs. He had listened to Adrian’s sermons in here.

  There were doors to the left and right. Ten doors: five on each side. Eddie walked to the third door on the left and entered a small room with a partition in the middle. A comfortable armchair rested near the wall. The partition made of opaque glass had a mirror finish. Eddie knew that the person behind the wall could see him, whereas Eddie could only see his own reflection.

  This room was as dim as the hallway. The lamp light shone on two posters on the walls. The posters were religious too.

  Eddie sat in the armchair and pushed the call button on the wall. He was a little nervous, as usual. His hands got wet and he began to wipe them on his clothes. Even though the armchair was really comfortable, he was continuously fidgeting in it to get comfortable.

  What will I tell him? Do I tell all? Maybe just part? Should I tell him about Max? Eddie was thinking and fidgeting in the armchair. He got more and more nervous. He looked at the posters. How does Adrian say it? ‘If you want to confess, tell all, don’t skip details, or your soul will still suffer and go to Hell after all.’ What if it’s true?

  He heard a rustle from behind the partition wall.

  “Hello, Eddie!”

  “Hello, Brother Adrian!” said Eddie, his heart beating madly.

  “How are you doing?” The voice was friendly and soothing.

  Eddie was silent. So was Adrian.

  Eventually, Eddie managed to squeeze out a few words.

  “Well… I know it’s been a while; my heart is heavy.”

  “Well, okay. Relieve your soul. You’re among friends here.”

  Eddie paused again to stabilize his voice and started. “Brother Adrian, I trust you as I trust myself. I can’t hold it in anymore. I… I helped a friend and kept it secret from everyone for a long time, and he…” Eddie stopped to catch his breath and stared at his hands. He clenched his fists and then rubbed his hands, then clenched them again. “Have mercy on me, Master, if I…”

  He got silent again. His hands trembled as he stared at them, as if it could somehow help him through his confession.

  “Continue, Brother Eddie. Tell me your sin in detail, as you surely understand how important it is for your soul. Tell me everything and the Master will forgive you and send relief unto your soul…”

  * * *

  The sun generously cast its light on the street, highlighting the Church of the Spider among the other buildings. Its oak gates flung open and a woman went out. She was about forty. Even her professional make-up could not disguise her slightly swollen eyes. She cautiously looked around and sobbed, taking a tissue to her nose. She halted on the porch, took a deep breath, looked around again, and hurried toward the parking lot.

  At the same time, Adrian entered a spacious office with a huge table in the middle. The interior was austere, the only decoration a set of frames with concise texts of the Church of the Spider. There were no windows.

  A gloomy man sat at the top of the big oval table. He was about fifty, with a wrinkled, shaven, and dully grey face. Only his eyes carried any expression, a shade of exhaustion emanating from them.

  Twelve men in long black cloaks sat around the table in Windsor chairs. They all had their heads down and their hands on the dark, heavy wooden table.

  Adrian quietly walked to the table and sat in the empty chair.

  The man at the top of the table was monotonously saying a prayer. “...and let the Master bring harmony to this world. We, as His chosen servants, will exercise the right to execute His will and rid His world of liars, hypocrites, fornicators, thieves, rapists, and murderers. And thus shall we assist the Spider, our Master, in His justice…”

  Those at the table chanted.

  “...and assume the right to restore justice where it was lost and execute vengeance where the evil remained unpunished.”

  Everyone paused. Then the man at the top of the table looked up and said, “All except Adrian are dismissed.”

  Cloaks rustled as the adepts stood up. Before leaving, each bowed before the one who had read the prayer.

  He waited for the last adept to leave and addressed Adrian with a low, mellow, yet powerful voice. “What’s the delay?”

  “Zet, I’m sorry, I was busy hearing confessions.”

  “You must not be late for the meetings.”

  “Sorry,” repeated Adrian.

  “Okay. Tell me, how’s Margo?”

  Adrian chuckled. “That’s why I was late today. You see, she was all too upset. She used up a week’s supply of tissues.”

  “And what’s gotten our lady so upset? As far as I remember, her husband is a bank owner, they live in a posh mansion, she’s surrounded with help. Gardeners, chauffeurs, tutors for the kids.”

  “True. In short, she fell in love and now she doesn’t know how to live with it.”

  Zet arched his dark, thick eyebrows. His piercing eyes showed from under them.

  “She told me she’s in love with her fitness coach, and the relationship is now far from being platonic.”

  “Did she sleep with him?” Zet sneered.

  “More than once. They’ve been together for three months. Every time in a different hotel. She is scared to death that her husband will find out. She thinks he suspects something.”

  “Why doesn’t she just knock it off?”

  “That’s the point, she tried but couldn’t. I’m telling you, she’s in love.”

  Zet chuckled. “The work of the devil…”

  “Right. And the musclehead is happy, he’s got a sugar mama. She bought him a new car and a watch, and rents them suites in posh hotels.”

  “A gigolo.”

  “Looks like it. I’ve checked him. She is not his first one and most probably won’t be the last. And right now, he’s having affairs with three other silly married women. One of them is well over fifty.

  Zet whistled. “And what do you think?”

  “Got a good plan. You’ll love it. Did you hear about the Brazilian wandering spider?

  “It’s venomous, from South America.”

  “Not quite.” Adrian produced his smartphone from his cloak with a cunning smile. “Look here.”

  Zet stared curiously at the screen showing a picture of the spider on a human hand. The spider was about three inches big. With its long, brownish legs covered with short hair and pink, round jaws, it
was terrifying.

  Zet looked away from the screen and chuckled in satisfaction. “A real looker.”

  “The best piece of my collection,” said Adrian, admiringly glancing at the spider. He put the smartphone back in his pocket. “This specific one is interesting, in that its bite is not deadly but its effect is especially excruciating.”

  Zet narrowed his eyes.

  “I know,” said Adrian in anticipation, “but sometimes death is not the worst punishment for a sinner. Especially for one like him.”

  “And what is your plan?” Zet’s face grew warmer, and his dark and deep-set eyes sparkled.

  Adrian went on with excitement. “Its bite is lethal only in three percent of cases, but it’s always bad for sex. Usual symptoms are dizziness, nausea, high BP, and erectile dysfunction for men.”

  Zet sneered.

  “Have you ever heard of priapism?” asked Adrian.

  “I know about Priapus, a minor fertility god with a permanent hard-on.” Zet lay back and laughed. He invited Adrian to continue with a nod.

  “You’re well in the know,” Adrian chuckled. “Anyway, this dysfunction is called priapism, which is named after that god, Priapus. A man with this condition suffers a permanent and quite painful erection, which is not connected with sexual arousal.”

  “I think I’ve got it. You’re quite creative indeed!”

  Adrian happily nodded. “Exactly. And the guy will stop thinking about pulling the wool over the eyes of innocent married women, ’cause he’ll be thinking of something else for a while. At least for a few months, he can forget about his carnal needs, and these women’s souls that have gotten lost will return to their cozy nests.”

  “Brilliant!” Zet got his dry hands out of the cloak and sort of applauded. “Go for it.”

  Adrian got up and bowed before leaving.

  “Assume the right to restore justice where it was lost,” said Zet.

  “And execute vengeance where the evil remained unpunished,” Adrian finished the line.

  * * *

  A tall, young stud inspected himself in the mirror above the sink. He saw barely noticeable bags under his eyes, frowned, and backed away from the reflection.