by Ali Dean
Another hour later, and I’ve reached one of my usual turn around points. I figure I ran nearly 10 miles out, and I’m still several miles from home. If I’ve run as far as I expect, that’s at least a half marathon. In a blizzard. My long runs are typically 70-90 minutes… and not in the snow. I’ve been out for over two hours.
The wind is head-on, and my legs are trashed. But at least the only thing I’m feeling right now is fatigue. And there’s a mild panic beginning to seep through me as my legs protest forward movement.
I slow to a walk. Just for a few minutes, to rest. My muscles feel like bricks. Heavy. Even Dave looks ready to quit, and that dog’s like the Energizer Bunny.
My face is raw from the wind. The sweat I generated during the beginning of the run is now making me shiver. It takes all my focus to lift each foot and place it in front of me. Is that pain in my stomach hunger? The two bites of eggs this morning definitely did not provide the kind of fuel I needed.
I see a figure jogging toward me. Who else is crazy enough to be running in this weather? The wind is brutal. I have to lean forward to avoid getting knocked over.
“Pepper?” I hear Ryan’s voice call out. “Are you okay?” He picks up his pace. Jeez, do I really look that terrible? I guess it’s strange to him that I’m not running.
He reaches me and puts his hands on my shoulders. “You’re weaving a little. What’s going on?”
“Do you have a phone on you? My Gran is probably freaking out.”
“I don’t. Let’s walk back to my house and we’ll call her. It’s closer.”
He puts his arm around me and I lean in, thankful for the extra protection from the wind. It seems to be getting stronger but maybe I’m getting weaker.
“Talk to me. How long were you running?”
I check my watch. “I guess I’ve been out for almost two and a half hours, but I stopped running a few minutes ago. I was at the railroad tracks when I turned around.” My voice cracks from the dryness in my throat. Despite freezing temperatures, I’m parched.
“The railroad in Dryden? What were you doing all the way out there?”
“I don’t know. I just kept running.”
Ryan doesn’t respond for a moment. He must think I’m nuts. Maybe I am.
“Does this have anything to do with what those girls were saying last night? You know you don’t have to prove anything, Pep. Just because you won Nationals doesn’t mean you have to start training like a maniac in order to meet other people’s expectations.”
Is that why I did it? No, that has nothing to do with it. He wouldn’t understand. And I can’t tell him anyway. Heck, no one told me until this morning. And I’m supposed to be family! My blood boils even through the fatigue. Running can only suppress the emotions for so long.
“No, I wasn’t even thinking about that. I actually haven’t thought much about track at all. I just…” It’s so easy to open up with Ryan. He really seems to want to listen. But no, I can’t go there. “I just felt like running,” I say quietly. “Why are you out in this weather?” I turn the questioning on him.
“I don’t exactly get much of a workout running with Lisa. And that was my only run yesterday.”
Ah, that’s right. Lisa.
Two other figures are walking our way. And even through my frozen eyelashes, I recognize them. Same confident stride. How did I not see it before?
“Is that Jace? And Wesley?” Ryan asks as we get closer.
“Gran must have sent them out to get me.” Oh, joy. I’m going to get a lecture. From all three of them. Jace, Wes and Gran.
I have a feeling Wes is trying to get us back to the threesome we used to be. But that’s impossible. He and Jace are real brothers. And Jace is my boyfriend. The balance between the three of us will never be the same again.
When we near them, Jace’s green eyes are wild. He looks ready to pounce on Ryan. I step out of Ryan’s hold and make my way to Jace. For the brief moment between the two of them, I almost lose my balance. Wow. I really messed myself up.
Jace catches me. “I’m carrying you to the car,” he says darkly and scoops me up in his arms.
His chest is warm, and my brain immediately starts shutting down. I’m safe now. I remained coherent, I think, while walking with Ryan. But now, my head is spinning and I can barely process where we are as Jace piles me into the front seat of a pickup truck. It looks like a parking lot but I don’t recognize my surroundings with all the snow.
He heads over to the driver’s side, turns the truck on and blasts the heat before shutting the door again. I watch him talk to Ryan and Wes. Was this a rescue mission? Oh no!
I throw myself over to the driver’s seat and swing the door open in panic. “Dave? Where is he?”
Dave jumps up on the seat and licks my face. I sigh and rest my head against him. But he’s pulled away and I hear Wes call Dave into the bed of the truck.
Ryan and Jace are arguing. I can’t make out what they’re saying over the wind, but I know both of their stances and expressions well enough to process that neither are happy.
I don’t want to handle this right now. I’m too tired to care.
Chapter 8
I fall into a half-sleep. Male voices argue, and I’m lifted out of the truck. I let my limbs rest on strong arms. They smell like wood, spice and boy, and my brain registers that Jace and Wes have always shared a similar scent. I don’t bother verifying whose arms I’m in because my head is too heavy to lift.
When I settle into my bed, a comforter tucked under my chin, my mind drifts to memories I haven’t visited in years.
It was a Friday night and the boys were at my front door. I had on purple flannel pajama bottoms and a tank top, and the boys were in similar cozy attire.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked. “The dance started twenty minutes ago!” All the eighth-graders had been talking about for the past month was the graduation dance.
The boys barged into the kitchen, throwing popcorn in the microwave and pulling mugs from the cupboard for hot chocolate.
“The dance is stupid, Pep,” Jace explained. “There are so many chaperones watching like hawks, it ruins the fun.”
“Whatever, man, you wanted to go until I said I was ditching to hang with Pep,” Wes said as he punched Jace playfully on the arm.
“So?” Jace said coolly. “There aren’t really any girls at the dance I want to make out with anyway. I’m ready for high school.”
“You guys can’t just skip the dance. It’s a big deal! Besides, I’m already planning on watching Kill Bill and you guys have seen it a million times.”
“So have you!” Wes said, laughing. “I call couch!” he yelled before running out of the kitchen and hurdling over the couch.
I sighed in mock annoyance, but really I couldn’t have been happier for their company. Gran was playing Bingo someplace with Lulu, and it could get kind of lonely in the apartment at night.
Jace settled on the ground in front of the couch. He threw my legs over his shoulders and leaned back.
“Dude. Why are you sitting there?” Wes asked as the previews started. “The armchair’s free.”
Jace shrugged in answer and tossed a handful of popcorn in his mouth. “Maybe I want to cuddle with the family here, and I don’t want to be all alone on the chair?” he said while munching away.
Wes’s arm was up on the back of the couch, but he dropped it around my shoulder and tugged me closer to him. In contrast to Jace’s positioning of my legs, Wes’s movements felt more deliberate. I was now quite close to him, my head resting on his shoulder. It would have been intimate if Jace hadn’t been sitting with us.
I listened to the boys crack jokes about the previews and shook off the butterflies in my stomach. Wes had always been a cutie, but he’d pulled me in for hugs a million times, and this was no different. I sipped my hot chocolate and smiled, easing into the couch with my two best friends.
My memory floats to four months later, when Wes had an
swered my phone call with a cold tone.
“The new Jackass movie just came out, and you said you’d go with me, remember?” I asked him.
“I can’t go, sorry, Pep. You should ask Jace. He’ll go with you.” Wes sounded distracted, and not all that happy to hear from me. I’d called him a few times over the last couple weeks, but this was the first time he’d answered.
“He’s at an away game all weekend,” I told Wes.
“Listen, Pepper, I gotta go,” Wes said after an awkward silence. That was it. No explanation as to where he was going, or when we would speak again.
“So, now that you’re in high school, you’re too cool to hang out with me?” I expected him to deny it, but he just let out a heavy sigh. “Jace still hangs out with me, you know? Is it because you’re in private school? We’re not good enough for you?” I asked in a teasing tone, although I feared I was hitting on the truth. Why else hadn’t I heard from Wesley since school started?
Wes mumbled a response before hanging up, leaving me to conclude that after years of friendship, Wesley had made new friends, and I’d been left behind. And had he moved on from Jace too? Whenever I asked Jace about Wes, I got an evasive response.
I found out later that Wes had shown up for his first day at Lincoln Academy with a black eye. People said that Jace did it, but no one knew why. Jace denied it. I remember hurting a lot that year. From Wesley’s rejection, and because Jace wouldn’t talk to me about it. That was the beginning of us growing apart. All three of us.
As I fall into a deeper sleep, memories of our years together – and apart – drift between reality and dream. The three of us used to be equals in friendship, but my mind struggles with where I fit in now that I’ve been let in on their secret.
***
When I wake up, it’s dark outside. My legs are stiff as I stumble to the bathroom. The clock says 7:15. I must have slept through the afternoon.
Even though I plan to go straight back to sleep, I find myself brushing my teeth. It’s habit. I watch myself in the mirror. Was it only this morning that I was brushing my teeth with Jace? It seems like ages ago.
And when I leave the bathroom, he’s waiting for me. Leaning against my bedroom door.
My body doesn’t consult my brain or anything else. It just knows it wants Jace’s comfort. I walk into his arms and nestle my head into his chest.
He sighs and draws me closer, giving me a kiss on the top of my head.
“I have to go,” he tells me.
“You do? Why?” I look up at him, and see his brow furrowed. He’s conflicted about something.
“My mom. She called this morning, after breakfast, and before we found you. I’m meeting her for dinner.” He tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. “You should eat something. Buns made chicken dumpling soup.”
I want to ask Jace more about his mom, but my stomach growls and getting food becomes my first priority.
Jace sits me down at the kitchen table and returns a moment later with a bowl of soup, crackers, and a glass of water. I don’t mind being treated like a child right now. I’m still half asleep.
“School again tomorrow. I’ll pick you up normal time.” Jace leaves another kiss on my head before heading out. As I finish my soup in a daze, Gran shuffles in.
I tense for a lecture, but she doesn’t seem inclined to give one.
Instead, she asks if I want dessert. I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Gran. I didn’t mean to be out so long and worry you.”
She sighs. “I know.”
Gran rests her elbows on the table and places her chin on her clasped hands. “So, Jace’s mom is back.”
Oh. We’re having this conversation. “Gran, I’m exhausted. Do we have to talk about this now?”
She shrugs. “I spoke with Jace about it earlier, and I don’t want you to feel out of the loop.”
My eyes widen. Jace spoke to Gran about his mom, but not me? I suppose she does have a way of getting information out of people when she wants it.
“What did you talk about?”
“He wants a relationship with her. He wants to get to know her.”
“I don’t get it. How can he forgive her so easily? She abandoned him.” I always felt Jace was the way he was – that is, always trying to maintain control of his emotions and relationships – because of what she did to him. But he’s acting like she didn’t do anything wrong.
“If you want my opinion, he just wants her to love him.” Gran sits back in her chair, and I wait for her to explain that statement. But all she adds is, “He thinks he needs her love, her acceptance.”
Gran makes it sound so simple. So uncomplicated. It’s not though.
“Why? Jace has plenty of love. I love him. You love him. Jim, Wes… the whole town loves that boy.”
Gran chuckles. “Well, as far as the town goes – lust and infatuation aren’t love – but I know what you’re saying.” She sobers. “A mother’s love is unique though, Pep.” She takes my hand. “You had that when Vanessa and Danny were alive. They were taken from you, but you’ve always known their love couldn’t be taken. With Annie, her leaving was like telling Jace she didn’t love him. She’s been here, on this earth, his whole life. And now that she’s in Brockton, Jace wants to earn her approval, and her love.” Gran’s voice breaks. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so emotional. It rattles me.
“He shouldn’t have to earn his mom’s love,” I say coldly. “She should be earning his.”
“I agree, Pep. I don’t like it. Don’t like it one bit.” Gran sits up and heads over to the liquor cabinet to mix herself a drink. “I don’t know how it’s going to play out, but that woman was always a selfish one. Sure, she was young and maybe people can grow out of selfishness, but I don’t trust her. I worry about Jace. And then I worry about you. Because you and Jace have always gone together. He hurts, you’ll hurt.”
She stirs her drink, contemplating this. It’s all true.
“What should I do?” I ask quietly.
“We can’t get in the middle of it. Jace is determined to get to know her.”
“Did he tell you that?”
Gran gives me a knowing smile. “Well, you know he didn’t talk about the love stuff, but he didn’t need to. He defended her leaving, talked about her problems with addiction. He was here all afternoon, checking on you. But as soon as it was time to meet his mom, he got real restless, doing his pacing and jaw clenching.”
She takes a sip of her drink. “He was real worried about you, and I can’t think of anything that would make that boy leave when he’s worried about you. Except for this.”
“His mom.”
“Yes.”
“I need to go back to sleep.” I’m too drained, physically and emotionally, to reflect on what Gran’s telling me. She’s all worked up, and I can’t keep up with her. I give her a kiss on the cheek and crawl back into bed.
It’s some time later when I feel a warm body snuggle next to me, and arms wrap around my waist. When he nuzzles my neck, I know it’s Jace. I turn to face him and kiss him on the chest. My body melts into his and before I know it, I’ve fallen back asleep.
When I wake up in the morning, I’m alone in bed and there’s no sign that Jace came into my room last night. It may have been a dream.
***
Jace continues to see Annie regularly over the next couple of months. He never invites me. It hurts, but I get it. It was obvious after the first morning I met her that I had a hard time being friendly. And if he’s trying to build a relationship with her, my hostility won’t be very helpful.
He talks about her occasionally. She got a job waitressing at a French restaurant in town, and she’s still staying with an old friend of hers from college. Last week, I saw her sitting in the stands with another woman at Jace’s first baseball game of the season. I was running past with my teammates and she didn’t notice me.
I skipped our first couple of track meets, telling Coach I wasn’t ready to start racing again yet. He
’s never wanted to push me, but I feel guilty taking advantage of his approach like this. I know I need to get out there again.
I’m in decent shape, as far as I can tell from my workouts with the team. But I’m better at cross than track. Cross country races are longer than track races – and include hills, rocks, and mud. It’s just a different style of racing that I’ve always been more suited for. I can win cross races with ease, but it’s always a battle to the finish on the track. And the longer I wait to race, the more the buildup. People are talking about what records I’ll break, and who might give me competition. Expectations are building. And I’m trying to ignore all of it.
But today I’m racing for the first time. It’s the Rocky Mountain Relays – my favorite track meet. There are no individual races, so I won’t be scrutinized as closely. We’re trying to qualify for State in the 4 x 800 and the DMR (distance medley relay).
We’re in the final heat for the 4 x 800, which means we’re seeded amongst the fastest relay teams. Brockton Public won the team state cross country title, but we aren’t quite as competitive on the track. In cross, everyone runs the same race, and only a handful of team members can score points. With track, there are tons of different events – sprints, pole vaulting, javelin, long jump. We have strong distance runners, but we only score a small portion of the overall points in a track competition.
Jenny leads the relay, setting us off in third place. Claire slips us back to fourth, and as Zoe comes around the corner, it looks like we’re back in third. Not that place really matters too much so early in the season, although it’s always nice to win. And a win at the Rocky Mountain Relays is pretty cool.
There’s a roar from the crowd as the anchor for the first place team takes the baton, with second place not far behind. I glance at the clock before moving to the inside lane. 7:32 insert time.
The qualifying standard for State is 9:52. That leaves me with 2 minutes and twenty seconds. Seventy seconds for each lap.
