by Ali Dean
We listen to Wes clambering around in the kitchen for a moment, watching each other. Finally, Jace lets out a heavy sigh.
“I really want to be mad for at least a few more minutes but you’re making it really hard when you look at me like that.”
Ha! I blink innocently, pretending I have no idea what he means even though I know full well that I’ve got the puppy-dog-eyes look down pat.
“Okay, you can be mad for five more minutes.” I check my watch and scoot to the other side of the couch, putting space between us. A second later, Jace hurls himself over to my side and devours me in kisses along my neck and collarbone, running his hands all over my body, squeezing my hips, my bum, and my legs as he does. Oh, if this is Jace mad I’ll just have to make him angry more often.
But I know he’s just easing his worries by making it clear that I’m his. Jace’s possessiveness isn’t news to me, and if this is what he needs to do to make it all right, I’m not complaining.
Chapter 10
Movie night with Jace and Wes doesn’t exactly feel like old times – the dynamics have changed too much – but it helps soothe the anger I’d felt building earlier that evening. The secret they finally shared with me wasn’t meant to push me to the side again, but to help rebuild our family. It won’t be the same as it was before, but I’m still part of it. We have our own friends now, and Annie has to fit in somehow too. Of course, the biggest change is between Jace and me.
When Jace kisses me goodnight before heading out with Wes, I realize I’m not the only one who might feel left out at times. Wesley doesn’t act bothered by the affection between me and Jace, but he’s as good at burying his emotions as Jace is. Except for anger. Neither boy is afraid to show that particular emotion. I suppose it was inevitable that anger was the predominant sentiment between them for so long.
When Dave and I show up for breakfast at the Wilders’ the next morning, I don’t see anyone in the kitchen but the smell of bacon and coffee tells me I’m in the right place. There are voices coming from the back porch and I see that Jace, Annie and Jim are taking advantage of the unseasonably warm day.
“If you both partied so hard in college, how did Annie end up an addict, and Dad didn’t?” I hear Jace ask.
The question makes me pause at the kitchen counter.
No one responds at first, and I imagine Annie and Jim glancing at each other.
“I don’t know if I have a good answer to that,” Annie says. “I’m still trying to figure it out.”
They haven’t heard me come in yet, and I feel like I should announce my presence. But I don’t want to interrupt the conversation. It’s an important one, and it might not happen again. It’s not every day Jace Wilder asks probing questions that are guaranteed to have an emotional response.
I busy myself pouring orange juice and loading my plate with pancakes and bacon while listening through the open window.
Jace must be giving her one of his looks that says she better try harder than that because after a moment, Annie speaks again.
“I started doing drugs probably for the same reason most people do. They make you feel good. They’re fun. I wish I could blame it on something like a rough childhood or a tragic event, but I think what it really comes down to is selfishness.”
My heart stops for a beat. If she’s admitting to being selfish, it makes it a lot harder to hate her. And it’s a lot easier to hate her than to forgive her. I don’t want to forgive her.
“When Jim became a dad, the partying was just over. He knew being a dad was more important. I guess I just wanted to keep having fun, and maybe it was guilt that turned it into something more than harmless partying. I don’t know. But before I knew it, I couldn’t go a day without getting high on something.”
“And so you just left?” Jace asks. His voice isn’t accusing or angry, but genuinely curious, like he really just wants to understand his mother.
“I had a new boyfriend by then, and he was moving to the east coast. I probably thought it was a way to escape the guilt weighing on me from being such a lousy mom. If I wasn’t around to be reminded of how I was failing as a mother, and to know how much I was missing out on, then it would be easier. Or so I thought at the time. Of course, I convinced myself you’d be better off without me. Which still might be true.”
“Mom,” Jace tries to interrupt. It’s the first time I’ve heard him call her that. And I don’t like it.
“No, Jace, it’s true. I probably would have just made life harder for you and Jim. Anyway, getting away didn’t make anything better. That’s when the drugs got really out of control. Eventually I realized I had a real problem and tried to get better, but it’s been up and down ever since.”
“Maybe now that you’re back here you can stay sober. I’ll help you,” Jace tells her. He sounds confident and hopeful. It breaks my heart a little, because I don’t believe Annie will ever be the mom Jace is looking for.
If I hadn’t already filled up my plate, I’d sneak back out the front door. But my banana pancakes are doused in butter and syrup and there’s no way I’m letting them go to waste.
“Morning, guys,” I say as I slide open the door to the patio.
“Hi, Pepper!” Jim stands up to give me a hug, a little more enthusiastically than usual. I take it he’s relieved to have a break from the heavy conversation. “I’m getting a coffee refill, anyone else want one?”
“I’ll take some more, Dad,” Jace says, handing his mug to Jim.
Jace slides his arm out around my waist as I pass him and I gladly lean into him. He pulls me onto his lap, and I can’t suppress the smile that takes over my face. Jace has become increasingly open with his affections toward me, and I don’t think it will ever get old. Annie’s in my seat again anyway, so I’m happy to share with Jace.
“So, you were talking about addiction?” I make eye contact with Annie and pop a mouthful of pancake in my mouth. I’m really tempted to make a bratty remark about how wanting to feel good is a lame excuse for Annie’s problem, and for leaving Jace. Why can’t she just do something like go for a run to feel good? But I refrain from being a brat for Jace’s sake and instead give her a questioning look as I munch away.
“Yes. We were talking about why the college party scene took me in one direction while it didn’t take Jim down the same road.”
“Right. Jim finished school and started working harder when he had a kid.” I take a sip of orange juice, not bothering to fill in what Annie chose to do, by contrast.
As I swallow, I realize Annie could point out that Jim also managed to get another woman – a married woman, at that – pregnant at the same time. Instead, Annie just nods, accepting that she was a shitty person. “Jim’s been a great dad, hasn’t he?” she asks, just as he returns with two full coffee mugs.
“Hmmm… I don’t know about that,” he says with a chuckle. “I don’t know what I would have done without your grandma, Pepper. Bunny kept you kids in line.”
I raise my eyebrows. “You sure about that?”
He points his fork in our direction. “Well, this one still manages to get into some trouble, but he’s turned out okay, I guess.” Jim grins, showing off the Wilder charm.
I leave the Wilders’ as soon as I finish my pancakes. Annie’s presence in their home makes me uneasy. She brings out a side of me that I don’t like.
I recognize Wesley’s car turning onto Shadow Lane as I walk down the sidewalk with Dave. He pulls up next to me and leans out the window. “Don’t tell me I’m too late for pancakes,” he says.
“There’s still some left, but you might not enjoy the company,” I warn.
“Jim’s girl is over? I like Sheila,” he tells me.
“No. Annie is over there.” I walk across the road to his car. “Have you met her yet?”
Wes sighs. “Not yet. I should probably just get it over with, but you look like you could use some company.”
He waits for me to run up to the apartment for my books. We head
to Muddy’s, a café near the UC campus where I sometimes do my homework.
We find a table outside where Dave can join us. Wes gets a muffin and coffee while I sip on lemonade.
“I take it you aren’t a fan of Annie, huh?” he asks.
I shrug. “She left Jace. So no, I don’t like her,” I tell him honestly.
Wes watches me. “Jace seems to have forgiven her,” he says, stating the obvious.
“Yeah. I know. I don’t get it.”
“Me either,” he says simply. “I figure it’s not my business and it’s better to stay out of it. I’m just trying to be his brother, you know? I’ll be around if he needs me.”
“You’re lucky you have an excuse to stay out of it,” I tell him. We both know what I’m referring to. “I feel like a bitch that I’m not on board with Jace’s loving feelings toward her.”
“He gets it. Don’t worry about it,” Wes says, putting a comforting hand on my arm.
We settle in with our homework for a couple of hours, until Wes realizes he’s getting a sunburn. “I should probably head to the gym anyway before I get too lazy,” he says with a stretch.
“Yeah, and I should give Dave the Sunday run he looks forward to all week.”
I’m packing up my books while Wes heads back inside to use the restroom, when I hear a familiar voice.
“You really can’t just stick to one guy, can you?” Emma asks. “Madeline won’t be pleased to hear that you’re opening your legs for Lincoln Academy guys now too.”
I glance up at Madeline Brescoll’s sidekicks.
“She’s got a thing for Brockton’s golden boys. First Ryan, then Jace. Now she’s already moved on to Wesley,” Serena says while giving me a disgusted look.
“Lucky you. You’ll get passed around to all three of them before they graduate,” Emma says condescendingly.
“So, doing homework at a café with a friend means sleeping with him too? That’s a stretch, don’t you think?” I ask in a bored tone. Without Madeline’s presence, their snide remarks are easier to shake off. Besides, they really are grasping at straws.
Emma opens her mouth to respond, but shuts it when Wesley joins us. She smiles at him. “Hi, Wes. We missed you at Pierce’s place last night.”
“I was at Pepper’s place,” Wes tells her. “With Jace,” he adds in an annoyed tone, after Serena and Emma share a knowing look.
When we get to his car, Wes asks me, “Do I need to handle those girls? Are they giving you a hard time?”
“Ugh! You sound like Jace!” I say in exasperation.
Wes chuckles. “Well, we are brothers.”
“I can handle a couple of bitchy girls, okay? Why are you friends with them, anyway?” I ask.
Wes rolls down his window with a smirk. “They’re hot, I guess.”
“You’re such a guy.”
“Can’t argue with that.”
It’s been a long time since Wes and I hung out, just the two of us. It’s nice to know that he’s the same goofy, easy-going boy I remember. But he’s also kind of an asshole about girls, which is new to me.
Maybe he just needs to meet someone special. After all, his half-brother shared the same fault before we got together.
Jace shows up at our apartment later that night right when I’m getting ready for bed.
He sits on my bed with Dave while I brush my hair.
“So, what’d you think about Annie’s explanation for leaving?” I ask. We make eye contact in the mirror. I know I’m pushing him somewhere he probably doesn’t want to go, but I really need to understand where he’s at with his mom.
“So you heard her talking about it?” he asks.
“Yeah. I heard her say she became an addict because doing drugs makes her feel good. And she left because she had a new boyfriend who was moving east.”
Jace holds my gaze. “Yeah, well, at least she was honest. And you know what?” he asks, his voice defensive. “I get it. I get her.”
I spin around slowly. It’s not what I want to hear, but at least he’s opening up.
“You know, getting high does feel good. No one can deny that. I never really did much because of sports, but it’s easy to see how you could start doing it too much. I know plenty of guys who do. And you saw me last fall.”
Jace had been dealing drugs with Wesley, but hadn’t been doing drugs himself. That changed when I started dating Ryan. Who knows how far it would have gone if Wes and I hadn’t intervened.
“How can I judge her when I’ve been far from perfect myself?” Jace places his hands on my hips and I step between his open knees.
I remember that Wes said he was just trying to be a good brother. I try to just be a good girlfriend by listening to Jace, and holding back my opinion. He needs to figure it out on his own, and the last thing I want is for him to close me out and feel like he can’t talk to me. So I keep my mouth shut and brush his hair back from his forehead.
He leans his head forward, resting it on my tummy, and I continue stroking his head, sensing he just needs comfort right now.
Gran bursts in, breaking the quiet moment.
“All right, kiddos, no shenanigans. At least not when I’m home! Time for bed,” she says, shaking her finger at us, and it’s hard not to giggle given that she’s wearing an Elmo pajama set. I wonder if they sell those in adult sizes or if she managed to fit into a kid size. “In your own beds,” she clarifies before shutting the door and marching off, her piglet slippers oinking with each step.
Jace and I smile at each other and he kisses me on the nose before following Gran’s orders.
Chapter 11
I find myself alone again the following Saturday night, but this time I don’t wallow in self-pity or simmer in anger. Jim’s got season tickets so the boys are at another Rockies game with him. We didn’t have a meet today, just a hard workout. I don’t have any trouble running fast at practice, so hopefully I’ll be able to follow through with racing at the next meet.
After showering and changing into yoga pants and a comfy sweater, I order some Chinese food for dinner. Instead of waiting for delivery, I take the opportunity to give Dave some exercise and we take the fifteen-minute walk to campus. One good thing about living near UC is that there are lots of takeout options close by. It never compares to Gran’s cooking, but it’s nice to shake it up once in a while.
Since it’s Saturday night, the college kids are out in full force. They always seem to travel in groups. And even on brisk spring nights like tonight, the girls are scantily dressed. What’s up with that? For the first time, I find myself actually curious about college life. I’ve never put much thought into what goes on just down the street from my apartment. But Jace will be a student here soon. Naturally, my interest is piqued. What will he be up to in just a few short months?
I pull up the hood of my sweater after hooking Dave to a tree outside the Chinese joint. While the masses around me are going out to do who knows what, I plan to take my dinner home and get ahead on homework.
The door swings out, and Kayla Chambers nearly knocks me over. Her hands are full with bags of food.
“Oh, hey Pepper! Sorry about that.”
I hold the door open. “No worries.”
“You grabbing dinner?” She blows long blonde strands out of her face. As the leader of the most popular senior girls at Brockton Public, she pulls off the Barbie look well.
“Yeah, just laying low with my dog tonight.” I nod toward Dave, who’s licking his chops at the smell emanating from the store.
“Oh, really? Why don’t you come hang out with us? It’s just me, Andrea and Lisa relaxing.”
I’ve gotten to know the three girls a little more over the past couple of months. Kayla and Andrea are pretty friendly, but Lisa remains stand-offish.
“Oh, that’s okay. Thanks, though.” Who wants to accept a pity invite?
“You should come! Come on, it’ll be fun. I’m parked right up the street and on my way. I can give you and Dave a ride.”
“You know my dog’s name?”
She shrugs. “Yeah, you’ve talked about him before. And Jace talks about him a lot, too.”
“Okay, why not? Let me just grab my food.”
***
We pull up to a house in the same neighborhood where Omar lives. It’s a modest two story, with a two-car garage.
“The Hills are visiting Andrea’s sister at college in Kansas, so we’ve got the place to ourselves,” Kayla explains as we head inside. “Oh, and I’m going to drink tonight, so I won’t be able to give you a ride home. But you can crash here with us if you want.”
“Okay, we’ll see. Dave can come in, right?” I cringe, realizing I should have cleared that beforehand.
“Yeah. He’ll get along great with Murphy, the Hills’ dog.”
I follow Kayla through the front door, with Dave beside me.
“Hey girls!” Kayla calls out. “I texted ahead of time so they know you’re coming,” she tells me.
We find Andrea and Lisa on a couch in the living room drinking pink wine. There’s a box of Franzia on the coffee table.
“Hi, Pepper!” Andrea smiles and waves. “Got you girls some wine glasses, so fill ‘em up.”
Lisa says hello, slightly less enthusiastically, before returning to typing something on her cell phone.
“The guys are watching the game at Connor’s place and we didn’t feel like it, so we’re just having a girl’s night,” Andrea explains as she starts opening the Chinese food boxes. “Oh, I should put the dogs out or Murphy will totally try to eat our dinner.” She hops up to let the dogs outside.
Kayla hands me a glass of pink wine and I settle into an armchair with my sesame chicken.
Two glasses of wine later, I’m starting to feel a little more comfortable. The girls have been chatting away about all kinds of things that don’t interest me – like what sorority they’ll join in college – but at least it’s distracting me from all the things I don’t want to think about.
