Myth Directions
Robert Asprin
Content
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter One
"Dragons and Demons and Kings, Oh my!"
-The Cowardly Klahd
"THIS place stinks!" my scaly mentor snarled, glaring out the window at the rain.
"Yes, Aahz," I agreed meekly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he snapped, turning his demon's speckled gold eyes on me.
"It means," I gulped, "that I agree with you. The Kingdom of Possiltum, and the palace specifically, stink to high heaven--both figuratively and literally."
"Ingratitude!" Aahz made his appeal to the ceiling. "I lose my powers to a stupid practical joker, and instead of concentrating on getting them back, I take on some twit of an apprentice who doesn't have any aspirations higher than being a thief, train him, groom him, and get him a job paying more than he could spend in two lifetimes, and what happens? He complains! I suppose you think you could have done better on your own?"
It occurred to me that Aahz's guidance had also gotten me hung, embroiled in a magik duel with a master magician, and recently, placed in the unenviable position of trying to stop the world's largest army with a handful of down-at-the-heels demons. It also occurred to me that this was not the most tactful time to point out these minor nerve-jangling incidents.
"I'm sorry, Aahz," I grovelled. "Possiltum is a pretty nice kingdom to work for."
"It stinks!" he declared, turning to the window again.
I stifled a sigh. A magician's lot is not a happy one. I stole that saying from a tune Aahz sings off and on key. More and more, I was realizing the truth of the jingle. As the court magician to my king I had already endured a great deal more than I had ever bargained for.
Actually the king of Possiltum isn't my king. I'm his royal magician, an employee at best.
Aahz isn't my demon, either. I'm his apprentice, trying desperately to learn enough magik to warrant my aforementioned lofty title.
Gleep is definitely my dragon, though. Just ask Aahz. Better still, ask anyone in the court of Possiltum. Anytime my pet wreaks havoc with his playful romping, I get the blame and J.R. Grimble, the king's chancellor, deducts the damages from my wages.
Naturally, this gets Aahz upset. In addition to managing my magik career, Aahz also oversees our finances. Well, that's something of an understatement. He shamelessly bleeds the kingdom for every monetary consideration he can get for us (which is considerable) and watches over our expenses. When it comes to spending our ill-gotten wealth, Aahz would rather part with my blood. As you might guess, we argue a lot over this.
Gleep is understanding though; which is part of the reason I keep him around. He's quite intelligent and understanding for a baby dragon with a one word vocabulary. I spend a considerable amount of time telling him my troubles, and he always listens attentively without interrupting or arguing or shouting about how stupid I am. This makes him better company than Aahz.
It says something about one's lifestyle when the only one you can get sympathy from is a dragon.
Unfortunately, on this particular day I was cut off from my pet's company. It was raining, and when it rains in Possiltum, it doesn't kid around. Gleep is to big to live indoors with us, and the rain made the courtyard impassable, so I couldn't reach the stables where he was quartered. What was more, I couldn't risk roaming the halls of the castle for fear of running into the king. If that happened, he would doubtless ask when I was going to do something about the miserable weather. Weather control was not one of my current skills, and I was under strict orders from Aahz to avoid the subject at all costs. As such, I was stuck waiting out the rain in my own quarters. That in itself wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't for the fact that I shared those quarters with Aahz.
Rain made Aahz grouchy, or I should say grouchier than usual. I'd rather be locked in a small cage with an angry spider-bear than be alone in a room with Aahz when he's in a bad mood.
"There must be something to do," Aahz grumbled, begging to pace the floor. "I haven't been this bored since the Two Hundred Year Siege."
"You could teach me about dimension travel," I suggested hopefully.
This was one area of magik Aahz had steadfastly refused to teach me. As I mentioned earlier, Aahz is a demon, short for "dimension traveler." Most of my close friends these days were demons, and I was eager to add dimension traveling to my meager list of skills.
"Don't make me laugh, kid." Aahz laughed harshly. "At the rate you're learning, it would take more than two hundred years to teach it to you."
"Oh," I said, crestfallen. "Well--you could tell me about the Two Hundred Year Siege."
"The Two Hundred Year Siege," Aahz murmured dreamily, smiling slightly to himself. Large groups of armed men have been known to turn pale and tremble visibly before Aahz's smile.
"There isn't much to tell," he began, leaning against a table and hefting a large pitcher of wine. "It was me and another magician, Diz-Ne. He was a snotty little upstart...you remind me a bit of him."
"What happened?" I urged, anxious to get the conversation away from me.
"Well, once he figured out he couldn't beat me flat out, he went defensive," Aahz reminisced. "He was a real nothing magikally, but he knew his defense spells. Kept me off his back for a full two hundred years, even though we drained most of the magik energies of that dimension in the process."
"Who won?" I pressed eagerly.
Aahz cocked an eyebrow at me over the lip of the wine pitcher.
"I'm telling the story, kid," he pointed out. "You figure it out."
I did, and swallowed hard.
"Did you kill him?"
"Nothing that pleasant," Aahz smiled. "What I did to him once I got through his defenses will last a lot longer than two hundred years--but I guarantee you, he won't get bored."
"Why were you fighting?" I asked in a desperate effort to forestall the images my mind was manufacturing.
"He welshed on a bet," my mentor shrugged, hefting the wine again.
"That's all?"
"That's enough," Aahz insisted grimly. "Betting's a serious matter--in any dimension."
"Urn--Aahz?" I frowned. "Weren't Big Julie and his men running from gambling debts when we met them?"
That's the army I mentioned earlier. Big Julie and his men were currently disguised as happy citizens of Possiltum.
"That's right, kid," Aahz nodded.
"Then that's why you said the loansharks would probably come looking for them," I declared triumphantly.
"Wrong," Aahz said firmly.
"Wrong?" I blinked.
"I didn't say they'd probably come looking," he corrected. "I said they would come looking. Bank on it. There are only two questions involved here: When are they coming, and what are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know about the 'when,' " I commented with careful deliberation, "but I've given some thought to what I'm going to
do."
"And you've decided--" Aahz prompted.
"To grab our money and run!" I declared. "That's why I want to learn dimension travel. I figure there won't be anywhere in this dimension we could hide, and that means leaving Klah for greener, safer pastures."
Aahz was unmoved.
"If push comes to shove," he yawned, "we can use the D-Hopper. As long as we've got a mechanical means of traveling to other dimensions, there's no need for you to learn how to do it magically."
"C'mon, Aahz!" I exploded. "Why won't you teach me? What makes dimension traveling so hard to learn?"
Aahz studied me for a long moment, then heaved a big sigh. "All right, Skeeve," he said. "If you listen up, I'll try to sketch it out for you."
I listened. With every pore, I listened. Aahz didn't call me by my given name often, and when he did, it was serious.
"The problem is that to travel the dimensions, even using pentacles for beacons--gateways--requires knowing your destination dimension...knowing it almost as well as your home dimension. If you don't, then you can get routed into a dimension you aren't even aware of, and be trapped there with no way out."
He paused to take another drink from the wine pitcher.
"Now, you've only been in one dimension besides Klah," he continued. "That was Deva, and you only saw the Bazaar. You know the Bazaar well enough to know it's constantly changing and rearranging. You don't know it well enough to have zeroed in on the few permanent fixtures you could use to home in on for a return trip, so effectively, you don't know any other dimensions well enough to be sure of your destination if you tried to jump magikally. That's why you can't travel the dimensions without using the D-Hopper! End of lecture."
I blinked.
"You mean the only reason I can't do it magikally is because I don't know the other dimensions?" I asked.
"That's the main reason," Aahz corrected.
"Then let's go!" I cried, leaping to my feet. "I'll get the D-Hopper and you can show me a couple new dimensions while we're waiting for the rain to stop."
"Not so fast, kid!" Aahz interrupted, holding up a restraining hand." Sit down."
"What's wrong?" I challenged.
"Do you really think that possibility hadn't occurred to me?" he asked, an edge of irritation creeping into his voice.
I thought about it, and sat down again.
"Why don't you think it's a good idea?" I queried in a more humble tone.
"There are a few things you've overlooked in your enthusiasm," he intoned dryly. "First of all, remember that in another dimension, you'll be a demon. Now, except for Deva which makes its money on cross-dimension trade, most dimensions don't greet demons with flowers and red carpets. The fact is, a demon is likely to be attacked on sight by whoever's around with whatever's handy."
He leaned forward to emphasize his words. "What I'm trying to say is, it's dangerous! Now, if we went touring and ran into trouble; what do we have to defend ourselves? I've lost my powers and yours are still so undeveloped as to be practically non-existent. Who's going to handle the natives?"
"How dangerous is it?" I asked hesitantly.
"Let me put it to you this way, kid," Aahz sighed. "You spend a lot of time griping about how I keep putting your life in jeopardy with my blatant disregard for danger. Right?"
"Right." I nodded vigorously.
"Well, now I'm saying the trip you're proposing is dangerous. Does that give you a clue as to what you'll be up against?"
I leaned back in my chair and stretched, trying to make it look nonchalant.
"How abut sharing some of that wine?" I suggested casually.
For a change, Aahz didn't ignore the request. He tossed the pitcher into the air as he rose and strode to the window again. Reaching out with my mind, I gently grabbed the pitcher and brought it floating to my outstretched hand without spilling a drop.
As I said, I am the court magician of Possiltum. I'm not without powers.
"Don't let it get you down, kid," Aahz called from the window. "If you keep practicing, someday we can take that tour under your protection. But until you reach that level, or until we find you a magikal bodyguard, it'll just have to wait."
"I suppose you're right, Aahz," I conceded. "It's just that sometimes..."
There was a soft BAMF! as the ether was rent asunder and a demon appeared in the room. Right there! In my private quarters in the Possiltum royal palace!
Before I could recover from my surprise or Aahz could move to intervene, the demon plopped itself onto my lap and planted a big, warm kiss full on my mouth.
"Hi, handsome!" it purred. "How's tricks?"
Chapter Two
"When old friends get together, everything else fades to insignificance."
-War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death
"TANDA!" I exclaimed, recovering from shock sufficiently to fasten my arms around her waist in an energetic hug.
"In the flesh!" she winked, pressing hard against me.
My temperature went up several degrees, or maybe it was the room. Tananda has that effect on me--and rooms. Lusciously curvaceous, with a mane of light green hair accenting her lovely olive complexion and features, she could stop a twenty-man brawl with a smile and a deep sigh.
"He isn't the only one in the room, you know," Aahz commented dryly.
"Hi, Aahz!" my adorable companion cried, untangling herself from my lap and throwing herself into Aahz's arms.
The volume of Tananda's affections is exceeded only by her willingness to share them. I had a secret belief, though, that Tananda liked me better than she liked Aahz. This belief was tested for strength as their greeting grew longer and longer.
"Um...what brings you to these parts?" I interrupted at last.
That earned me a dark look from Aahz, but Tananda didn't bat an eye.
"Well," she dimpled, "I could say I was just in the neighborhood and felt like dropping by, but that wouldn't be true. The fact is, I need a little favor."
"Name it," Aahz and I declared simultaneously.
Aahz is tight-fisted and I'm chicken, but all bets are off when it comes to Tananda. She had helped us out of a couple of tight spots in the past, and we both figured we owed her. The fact she had helped us into as many tight spots as she had helped us out of never entered our minds. Besides--she was awfully nice to have around.
"It's nothing really," she sighed. "I have a little shopping to do and was hoping I could borrow one of you two to help me carry things."
"You mean today?" Aahz frowned.
"Actually, for the next couple days," Tananda informed him. "Maybe as long as a week."
"Can't do it," Aahz sighed. "I have to referee a meeting between Big Julie and General Badaxe tomorrow. Any chance you could postpone it until next week?"
"Ummm...you weren't the one I was thinking of, Aahz," Tananda said, giving the ceiling a casual survey. "I was thinking Skeeve and I could handle it."
"Me?" I blinked.
Aahz scowled.
"Not a chance," he declared. "The kid can't play step-and-fetch-it for you. It's beneath his dignity."
"No, it isn't!" I cried. "I mean, if it wouldn't be beneath you. Aahz, how could it be beneath me?"
"I'm not the court magician of Possiltum!" he argued.
"I can disguise myself!" I countered. "That's one of my best spells. You've said so yourself."
"I think your scaly green mentor is just a lee-tie bit jealous," Tananda observed, winking at me covertly.
"Jealous?" Aahz exploded. "Me? Jealous of a little..." He broke off and looked back and forth between Tananda and myself as he realized he was being baited.
"Oh--I suppose it would be okay," he grumbled at last. "Go ahead and take him--even though it's beyond me what you expect to find in this backwater dimension worth shopping for."
"Oh, Aahz!" Tananda laughed. "You're a card. Shopping in Klah? I may be a little flighty from time to time, but I'm not crazy."
"You mean we're headed for other dimens
ions?" I asked eagerly.
"Of course," she nodded. "We have quite an itinerary ahead of us. First, we'll hop over to--"
"What's an itinerary?" I asked.
"Stop!" Aahz shouted, holding up a hand for silence.
"But I was just--"
"Stop!"
"We were--"
"Stop!"
Our conversation effectively halted, we turned our attention to Aahz. With melodramatic slowness, he folded his arms across his chest.
"No, "he said.
"No?" I shrieked. "But, Aahz..."
" 'But, Aahz' nothing," he barked back. "I said 'No' and I meant it."
"Wait a minute," Tananda interceded, stepping between us. "What's the problem, Aahz?"
"If you think I'm going to let my apprentice go traipsing around the dimensions alone and unprotected--"
"I won't be alone," I protested. "Tananda will be there."
"--a prime target for any idiot who wants to bag a demon," Aahz continued, ignoring my outburst, "just so you can have a beast of burden for your shopping jaunt, well, you'd better think again."
"Are you through?" Tananda asked testily.
"For the moment," Aahz nodded, matching her glare for glare.
"First of all," she began, "as Skeeve pointed out, if you'd bothered to listen, he won't be alone. I'll be with him. That means, second of all, he won't be unprotected. Just because I let my membership with the Assassins Guild expire doesn't mean I've forgotten everything."
"Yeah, Aahz," I interjected.
"Shut up, kid," he snapped.
"Third of all," Tananda continued, "you've got to stop thinking of Skeeve here as a kid. He stopped Big Julie's army, didn't he? And besides, he is your apprentice. I assume you've taught him something over the last couple of years."
That hit Aahz in his second most sensitive spot. His vanity. His most sensitive spot is his money pouch.
"Well..." he waivered.
"C'mon, Aahz," I pleaded. "What could go wrong?"
"The mind boggles," he retorted grimly.
"Don't exaggerate, Aahz," Tananda reprimanded.
"Exaggerate!" my mentor exploded anew. "The first time I took Mr. Wonderful here off-dimension, he bought a dragon we neither need nor want and nearly got killed in a brawl with a pack of cutthroats."
Myth Directions Page 1
