He felt drowned in defeat. He hadn’t meant to fight with her, and it had gotten ugly between them again. He had only wanted to talk with her about curbing or stopping her extramarital affairs. He was worried about the baby, worried about her health and he hated seeing her with other men.
Kevin couldn’t believe she had offered to stop sleeping around in return for his abandoning Maddie and Marina. There was no way he could do that. He had given his word that he would always be there to take care of them, and he wasn’t about to go back on his word or the contractual agreement that he had with Marina.
He leaned back against the couch and tilted his head back until he was looking at the ceiling. He stared without looking at the painted fresco on the ceiling. He loved Marina and he wanted her more than anything. They had a daughter together, and he had never done more than kiss her once. He was married to a woman who practically hated him, who had a seemingly endless hunger for any number of other men, and she was pregnant.
He could not begin to see how to sort it out and make the right choices for the most people involved, including himself. He knew he would have to make some choices soon, though, because Marina was not going to sit idly by and wait for him as he continued to put off answering her desire to be with him.
Chapter8
Lamar knocked on Marina’s front door and she called out for him to come in. He had been coming to visit her every day. She walked out to the living room and saw that he had a large bouquet of fresh flowers in his hand and a wide smile on his face.
“Good morning,” she said, walking toward him.
“Good morning, beautiful.” He hugged her and kissed her cheek gently. He held the bouquet out to her and she looked at it with consternation and then looked up at him.
“Lamar, you don’t need to keep bringing me things. It feels like it’s out of hand. You bring things all the time. Flowers, chocolate, books, breakfast, coffee and tea… I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but it feels like you are trying to buy my friendship back and that’s not necessary. It’s really not. You and I, we are alright now. We’re in a better place now. It’s okay. You shouldn’t be bringing me things all the time.” Her eyes shone with earnest concern.
He spread his hands wide and laughed a little, “What? I just like bringing you things. Can’t I spoil you a little? You love flowers, chocolate, and books… all the things I bring you. I love to see you smile. You should be spoiled. I don’t mind doing it.” He reached for her hand and pulled her toward him slowly, “There’s nothing that’s too good for you. These are just little tokens of my affection for you, that’s all. Just friendly little gifts.” He slid his arms around her waist and drew her up to him in an embrace, holding her so that he could still look down into her eyes.
She felt the all too familiar flutter of butterflies that began to zoom around her stomach and heart. Lamar had been seeing her nearly every day, coming over to her house and spending time with her and Maddie. He had continued to become physically closer to her, and while her heart was caught up in Kevin, her body remembered her former fiancé and lover very well, and much to her chagrin, it reacted warmly to Lamar’s touch and attention.
“Well, you do too much. I don’t want to feel obligated to you, and you showering me with gifts like this tends to make me feel like I need to do something in return for you, as well. Please don’t do that. Please stop bringing me things,” she asked, looking up at him.
He gazed down into her blue-gray eyes for a long moment and then slowly leaned his lips down to press them softly against her forehead.
“Whatever you want, my girl. I meant to make you happy, not to make you feel bad. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.” He spoke quietly, lowering his face to her cheek and brushing his lips over her skin there. His warm breath made her tingle and she drew a deep breath and turned her head away from him, looking down.
“I'd better get back into the kitchen. I’m right in the middle of baking cookies. I need to see to them.” She placed her hands on the solid wall of his chest and gave a little push, and he let her go, watching her as she turned and walked back into the kitchen. He followed her and stopped at the little bouncer on the counter where Maddie was laying, looking around at them both.
“She just gets bigger every day. She’s so beautiful.” He walked up behind Marina as she faced the counter and mixed her cookie dough. Lamar slid his hands around her waist and leaned his head onto her shoulder, speaking softly into her ear.
“What do you think our children would look like, if we had them?” he asked.
“I guess they’d be beautiful, too, but now we won’t know.”
He moved his hands up to her shoulders and began to massage her lightly. “I thought we could go to the park today and have a picnic. Get Maddie out in the sun. What do you think? It’s a really nice day.”
She began to spoon the dough onto the cookie sheet before her. “I think that would be nice. Are you sure you have time?”
“I always have time for you two,” Lamar said with a smile. He let his hands fall from Marina and walked over to Maddie to play with her while Marina finished filling the cookie sheet and put it in the oven.
Half an hour later, they were walking down the sidewalk pushing Maddie’s stroller and heading toward the park. Lamar brought lunch for them as well as the flowers he’d given Marina. They set up a blanket underneath a tree beside the small lake and Marina laid Maddie out on her back.
Lamar and Marina ate lunch and fresh baked cookies, and spent a while playing with the baby. He reached out to her, touching her hand, her arm, or her shoulder when he spoke to her, or when he handed her something or fed her a bite. His close proximity did not escape her notice. She felt comfortable with him, but she realized he was trying to gently push away the grey boundaries between them.
Partway through the afternoon, Marina’s phone rang and she answered it saying, “Hi, you!” as a grin spread over her face and Lamar looked on in suspicion.
“We’re good. We’re at the park having a picnic.” Then she laughed. “No, she ate before we came. We miss you, too. Oh, that would be nice! Yeah, we should be back at the house in a while. Dinner? Sure! We’ll see you tonight. I love you, too.”
She hung up and then looked up at Lamar to see him frowning slightly.
“Who was that?” he asked.
She bit her lower lip and then answered, “That was Kevin.”
Lamar looked away and sighed and Marina stood up and began to pack their things. “I think we should head back to the house. Maddie will need her nap soon.”
He helped her pack and they walked back. He pushed the stroller and she walked beside him. They remarked upon the houses and gardens they passed and when they reached Marina’s house, she took Maddie into her bedroom and laid her in her bassinet.
Lamar followed her into her room and when she turned to leave Maddie, she found herself facing him.
She looked up at him and he gazed down into her eyes. Her breath caught in her chest as he reached his hand up and touched her cheek, running his fingers over it. Marina reached her hand up to cover his, holding his hand still for a moment before he moved his thumb over her lower lip and she felt warm electricity spreading through her.
“Lamar…” she whispered, wondering how to help him see that this wasn’t the best idea for them. He made use of the pause in her thoughts to lean down to her and press his lips lightly to hers. She gasped and he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him, his hands firm on her.
He moved his mouth over hers softly, warmly, as he held her, and she felt confusion and heat begin to swirl through her. Her breath caught and he opened her mouth with his, tasting her tentatively at first, and then sliding his tongue across hers more hungrily as his kiss deepened.
Marina felt dizziness turning her as Lamar’s kiss began to warm her. His hands moved from her face down to her shoulders, his fingers clutching her to him. She found herself kissing him in return, remembering how they had once b
een, and finding familiarity in him, in his touch and in his need for her.
She knew this man; he had been her best friend, he had been her lover. He had been the one she was going to spend the rest of her life with and even though he had hurt her tremendously, she felt all the time and pain between them dissolve like sugar in hot water, and it began to feel like the only love she had ever known.
His hands canvassed her back, rubbing her gently and touching all the places he used to touch. She closed her eyes, and it was like she was a teenager again. The scent of his skin was strange and yet familiar, it had a soothing effect on her. She used to lie in his arms, her body resting with his, and breathe him in. She was drifting through memories and thoughts of him as they grew closer and kissed deeper and longer. The feel of his skin against hers had been a comfort to her when they had been together, and now it was a familiar remembrance, like stepping back in time.
“Marina,” he said, whispering her name as he kissed her. “My Marina.” His mouth left hers and began to trail warm kisses down her neck. Her breath became shallow and she nuzzled his neck as his mouth covered her skin. She felt his hands move from her back down to her hips and he pulled her to him, pressing himself against her softly. It made her heart race and she gasped.
Something in her felt like it was rising up, as though she was in the depths of darkness where everything was slow and warm and she had to rise up to the surface to catch her breath. She opened her eyes as Lamar’s fingers squeezed her hips and he began to move himself against her.
Her heart pounded and Kevin flashed across her mind. She felt anxiety replace all the warm electric current that had coursed through her and she placed her hands against Lamar’s chest and pushed him. “Stop, Lamar, we can’t do this,” she whispered.
He leaned his head back and looked into her eyes. “Don’t be afraid, baby, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m never going to hurt you again. All I want is to make you happy.” He leaned back over and kissed her again as his hands continued to grasp her hips, pulling her to his stiffened groin.
Confusion had muddied her mind, but not her heart, and Kevin had hooked her and wasn’t going anywhere. His face and his voice were lodged in her.
She turned away from Lamar and broke his hungry kiss. “Lamar, we can’t do this. I’m not afraid to be close to you. It isn’t that. This just isn’t right, that’s all.”
He leaned back and looked at her again, his breath ragged, desire and need painting his face and filling his eyes. “Why isn’t it right? We are both grown people who aren’t tied down and I love you, Marina, I love you so much. Let’s do this.” He lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her again, adamantly, holding her tightly to him, but she pushed him away once more as it became clearer to her in her mind and heart that she wasn’t doing what her heart truly wanted.
Her body was responding to him, her body was remembering all the passion and love they had shared, but her heart was not in the game, not all the way. Her heart was focused intently on someone else, and her heart wasn’t going to let her get caught up with Lamar again.
“I can’t do this because this isn’t what I want. Can you understand that?” she asked seriously.
He looked carefully at her, realizing that she meant what she said. “Why not? What’s holding you back, Marina?”
She stood still and silent for a moment, but then the words found their way to her lips and she breathed life into them. “I want someone else. I’m in love with someone else.”
He took a step toward her and frustration crossed his face. “Who? The baby’s father? Kevin? Is that who?”
She raised her chin. “Yes. Kevin.”
Lamar closed his eyes and ran his hand over his face and then looked at her with guarded emotions. “Baby, you don’t want to wait for him, he’s already married. Don’t do that. You know better than that. You have no business going after a married man! You have a daughter to think of, and you have your own future and your happiness to think of. I’m here, baby, and I want you. I love you, Marina, more than I ever did, and I want to be with you and help you raise that baby girl. I want to make a family with you!” He stepped closer to her and reached his arms out, closing his hands around her shoulders.
“Baby, I want you. I’m here. I’m available. I’m a viable option for you. He’s not. He is married to another woman. How long have you known him? Almost a year now? From right before you got pregnant… and has he loved you all that time? You’re going after something you can’t have! Don’t wish for that. Don’t do that to yourself and Maddie. I’m here and I love you. I want to make a family with you for the rest of our lives. I’m your best option, baby.” He made strong points, but she couldn’t let go of what she wanted so much.
“He isn’t going to be married much longer,” she said quietly.
Lamar looked at her and blinked. “Why not?”
“He’s going to leave his wife and get a divorce and then he’s going to be with me and Maddie. He wants us.”
He scoffed. “You sound like the other woman; like the mistress! Is that who you are? Is that who you want to be? You’re better than that, Marina! You’re worth more! You don’t deserve to be someone else’s mistress! You deserve a love of your own! Now! With me! Has he done anything to make that divorce happen?”
He had hit just the right chord with her. Nothing had happened. She looked down. “He needs more time. There are some legal problems that came up with his wife and he has to sort those out and then he can make his choice and come be with us.”
“Make his choice? He hasn’t even promised you yet that he will get a divorce? That he will leave his wife for you? What kind of man are you waiting for that feels like he needs to make a choice?
“There is no choice, there is you and there is the baby, and that’s it! There’s no choice! Do you know how many women out there have wasted years of their lives just waiting for a married man who said he would leave his wife for them? He’s never going to do it! He’s going to string you along like a lover, like a mistress, making you believe you mean something to him, making you believe that you have a future with him, and he will never live up to his word. He will never leave her and marry you.
“Don’t you know that? Don’t you know what you’re getting yourself into here? Maddie needs a father who will be around her and help her grow up and you need a man who is committed to you, who loves you and wants you, and that’s me! That’s not some wealthy white dude who is already married! Come on, Marina, think about this!”
She thought about it. She knew it sounded sketchy, she knew it sounded trite, like so many other women who were sleeping with married men, men who promised them that they would leave their wives and start a life with their mistresses, but she believed Kevin. She knew he loved her, and she loved him so much and wanted a life with him so badly that she was willing to wait; she was willing to give him the time he asked for to make things work out so that they could be together.
“I have thought about it. He is what I want. He’s worth the wait. He’s Maddie’s father, and she and I both deserve the chance to spend our lives with him. I’m not in any rush. I was going to have her by myself anyway. I hadn’t planned on falling in love with him, and truth be told, I tried not to, but it happened. Having a man here was never part of my plan, but now if it happens, I want it to be him.” She looked up into Lamar’s eyes, and saw pain and need there.
“Baby, you loved me once. You could love me again, we could build a family, we could be happy! You shouldn’t have to wait around! You don’t have to wait around! Let me be here for you, let me be here with you! I love you! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
She felt tears well up in her eyes. She covered her mouth with her hand and choked back a sob that was bubbling up inside her chest. Marina took a deep breath and then looked at Lamar again.
“I do love you, I always have, and it does mean a great deal to me that you are here and that you want us both, that you want to build a family with u
s. But you deserve to be loved like that in return, Lamar. You deserve a woman who wants you just as much as you want her. My heart is in someone else’s hands right now. My love is all for him. I can’t give you back what you want to give to me. I don’t want to hurt you, but I do want you to understand clearly that you and I had our chance and we lost it. It’s gone. I want him. I love him. I’m going to wait for him until he either makes up his mind to be here with the two of us or I fall out of love with him.”
Lamar shook his head. “Don’t do that. I can’t stand to see you waste away waiting for someone who hasn’t made you a priority in his life. I can’t stand to see you used like that. You mean so much to me, you deserve so much better than that. Please, baby, please reconsider it and think about it. I’ll wait for you, baby. I will, but you can’t do that to yourself and Maddie.”
She felt hot tears sliding down her face and Lamar, seeing them, pulled her to him and held her tight against his chest, rubbing her back. “Don’t cry baby, please don’t cry. I’m here. I’m here for you.” He rubbed her back and soothed her until she was quiet and still, and then he looked down at her while she was in his arms.
The Baby Shower Page 41
