He heard Connor stand beside him. “Coming?” his brother asked.
“In a minute.” Josh leaned his elbows on the table, folding his hands, and rested his forehead against them. The surrendering he got. Rescuing, changing his relationship with Tessa, was going to take more courage than he had confidence he possessed, especially with his father in the picture. As for the wisdom, he couldn’t think about that right now, not concerning Tessa. And taking things one day at a time. Him, the man who had his life all planned out for the next ten years, if not further? A life, he’d realized tonight, that he’d assumed Tessa would be in, wanted her to be in.
He felt a hand on his shoulder. “Powerful stuff,” the group leader said.
“Yeah, and all I can do is pray for the ability to use it without messing up.”
“One step at a time.”
“Right.” But some of those steps were killers.
* * *
“Tessa.” Josh’s voice in the hallway between the sanctuary and the church hall stopped her almost as short as it had Thursday night after the meeting. Only, it was anger, not heart-stopping terror today. Make that anger and disappointment. After not answering her calls and texts, he had the nerve—or lack of nerve—to face her in public? Ever since his father had come back, Josh wasn’t the man she’d thought he was. Walking the short distance between them felt like slogging through cement. Maybe he never had been.
“Josh, I didn’t see you in church. You must have come in after Grandma and I did.” She parroted his words from the other night.
“I wasn’t in church, or in the sanctuary, at least.”
“Afraid?” she taunted.
“Scared straight.” He attempted a grin.
Tessa took that as remorse for his behavior, but it wasn’t enough to forgive his rude refusal to talk when she’d needed to talk with him.
“Are you free? We could catch some lunch before you have to be at the theater. Talk.” His voice trailed off.
“No, I’m not.” The bleak expression on his face washed away the brief self-satisfaction she’d gotten from her words. “I’m helping Grandma with coffee hour today and should get in there.” She dragged herself away from Josh, pretending she hadn’t been as harsh in not accepting his reach-out as he’d been in not even acknowledging hers.
Tessa nearly ran into Josh’s stepgrandfather, Harry Stowe, in the doorway to the kitchen. “Cheer up,” he said. “You look like you’ve lost your best friend. It’s Sunday. The weather is beautiful.” He waved a handful of paper towels. “And I’m about to rescue a table of lovely women from a vicious coffee spill.”
She pasted a smile on her face and watched him weave around chairs to a table where his wife, Edna, Marie Delacroix and another of her grandmother’s friends sat. She had lost her best friend and had no idea how to find him. One thing was sure. Hurting and avoiding him as he’d hurt and avoided her wasn’t the way.
“There you are,” her grandmother said.
“Sorry. I got sidelined.”
“No problem. The food and drinks are out. All that’s left to be done right now is to take the bag of old trash out to the bin so we have room for the new trash.”
She lifted the black garbage bag from the can, tied it up and put a new bag in. The warmth of the late-morning sun welcomed her when she stepped outside. She breathed in the fresh spring air hung with the scent of pine. Exactly what she needed to reset her mood, as she suspected her grandmother had known when she gave her the task. Tessa tossed the bag in the bin, closed the lid and started back across the parking lot, stopping halfway to retrieve her vibrating phone from her skirt pocket.
She didn’t have to look at the ID to know it was Josh. Her finger hovered over the answer icon. He shouldn’t be calling from the road. She lowered her finger. That was what she’d do. Answer and say she’d call him back later when he wasn’t driving, put herself in control of the conversation when they had it. Or as much in control as she could.
“Hi, you shouldn’t be calling when you’re driving. I’ll—”
“I’m not.”
A horn honked behind her, making Tessa jump and her heart drop.
“Wait there. I’ll drive over.”
So much for taking control.
Josh rolled his truck over into the parking space next to her. “We need to talk,” he said through the open window.
“Here?” She looked to either side and behind her.
“No, later. Come with me to Harry’s birthday party this afternoon. We can walk up the mountain to Crystal Flow, where we had that picnic last summer with my brothers and Becca and Hope.”
Tessa remembered. Lexi had been there, too. Josh had broken things off for good with her after the rest of them had left. “You know I have to work.”
“Myles and Kaitlyn will cover for you. I already texted them.”
Typical Josh. He had an answer for everything, too often an easy answer. But she couldn’t see any easy answer to Thursday night.
“I’m not sure about Crystal Flow.” A romantic setting wouldn’t change the truth. She was an alcoholic, and he had no tolerance for alcoholics. She never should have let their friendship develop as far as it had. She kept others at a distance. Why hadn’t she done that with Josh? They’d just clicked in a comfortable way, and he’d slipped into her life and her heart.
Josh leaned out the window, his confident expression bringing out the best in his already handsome features.
As if I had a choice in that matter.
“The party, then. Come to the party. I’ll swing by and pick you up early. We can talk on the drive over to Gram and Harry’s.”
“I’ll ride with my grandmother.”
“Then you’ll come.” He slapped the top of the steering wheel. “I’ll get back to Myles and Kaitlyn. And wear walking shoes in case you change your mind about the mountain.”
“I’ll talk to Myles and Kaitlyn,” she said, ignoring his shoe advice. “The theater is my responsibility.” And part of that responsibility was her and Josh finishing the renovations they’d started on it. She had to insist on a strictly business owner-contractor relationship between them. Unless he can accept who I really am and not who he wants me to be. And she had little hope of that.
* * *
Tessa stood on the Stowes’ deck and smoothed the skirt of the very feminine retro sundress her grandmother had encouraged her to wear to the party. It was her mother’s, from one of the boxes that had been in the garage apartment, and back in style. She looked over the backyard, where the guys had all congregated, leaving the women inside. Her original jeans and short-sleeved plaid shirt would have been a more comfortable choice. But the day had turned unusually warm and Grandma had looked so nice and spring-like in her green linen sheath.
She spotted Josh with Harry next to the brick grill at the far side of the yard and walked in that direction, the soft blades of spring grass brushing her toes. At least she’d stuck with her Tevas, so her feet would be comfortable, if not the rest of her.
Josh’s voice drifted to her. “When Mrs. Hamilton and Tessa get here, do you mind if Tessa and I disappear for a while? I thought we’d hike up to Crystal Flow.”
She pursed her lips. She’d told him that she didn’t want to go to Crystal Flow. Tessa stopped. Well, more specifically, she’d said she wasn’t sure about the hike.
“We’ll be back in time for dinner,” Josh said.
“It’s fine with me, and I’ll cover for you with your grandmother. She thinks it’s time you fixed whatever is wrong between you two anyway.” Harry winked at him.
How did the Stowes know? Tessa shook her head. Time to make her presence known. Tessa stepped past Josh and gave the retired high school principal a hug. “Happy Birthday, Mr. Stowe.”
“Thank you. And you look exceptionally
pretty today. Doesn’t she, Josh?”
“Um, yeah. Nice dress.” Josh scuffed his athletic shoe against the grass.
Tessa smiled at Mr. Stowe’s compliment and Josh’s discomfort.
“It’s turned into such a nice day,” the older man said. “Why don’t you two take a walk and enjoy it? We won’t be eating until an hour or so.”
Tessa restrained her smile at Mr. Stowe’s covering for Josh with her, too.
“How much of that did you hear?” Josh asked as he took her hand and tugged her to the empty middle of the yard.
“Of which part? Us hiking to Crystal Flow despite what I said or us fixing what’s wrong between us?”
The bright sun highlighted the tint of pink on Josh’s tanned cheeks. “Let’s go with would you like to take a walk and talk? I can’t stand the wall between us.”
“I can’t, either, but taking it down won’t be easy.”
Josh repositioned their hands and laced his fingers through hers. They walked in silence across the grass to the break in the woods behind the yard where the trail started. While a part of her welcomed his touch, it didn’t help her jumbled nerves. The undeniable physical attraction was new to her. But she could handle it and was onto Josh’s usual kiss-it-and-make-it-better approach with women. It wouldn’t work with her. Attraction wasn’t enough to dismantle the wall and repair their friendship. And she’d learned from her mistakes. Friendship—like Josh’s brothers and their wives had, Grandma and Grandpa had, even her parents, despite their other faults, had—was what she wanted in a relationship. Friendship, trust and love.
From Josh. The thought whispered on the breeze rustling the budding tree branches overhead. Don’t even go there; you know where loving someone who can’t love the real you leads. The face of her former fiancé breaking their engagement flashed in front of her.
“You’re awfully quiet for someone who agreed to talk.”
“Collecting my words, thoughts.” And storing the personal ones away. “We have to maintain at least a business owner-contractor relationship until the theater renovation is done. I can do that.”
“What if I want more?”
Her pulse quickened. Lord, please help me not give in. They reached the flow and the bench Harry had built on the edge of his property overlooking the water.
Josh dropped her hand and motioned her to sit, giving her some time to pull herself together. He sat beside her, not touching.
“Is the answer that hard? I thought we were friends.” He ran his hand over his hair. “Sure, Thursday threw me for a loop, and I acted like an idiot ignoring you. I’m sorry.”
She lifted her hand from her lap to brush back the lock of hair that had fallen on his brow, stopped herself and placed her arm on the bench’s armrest.
“I’m ready to move on,” he said.
“Are you?”
His eyes darkened at her challenge.
She cleared her throat and stared unblinking at the rushing waters until her eyes watered. “If you knew all about me when we met, would we still have become friends?” Tessa held her breath as the seconds ticked by.
“No,” he said in a low voice.
Her breath whooshed out, along with the glimmer of hope she’d held inside. “Thanks for being honest.”
Josh placed a finger on her cheek and turned her face toward him. “But I’m working on that. I went to another meeting with Connor. I listened. I shared.” His voice hitched. “About you. I’m learning. One day at a time.”
She gripped the armrest. More than anything, Tessa wanted to lean into Josh, feel his strong arm around her shoulder. “So you’re working on accepting that I’m a recovering alcoholic and you can’t change that. What about your father?”
Josh tensed. “This is about you and me. He’s different.”
“No, he’s not. I’m an alcoholic. Your father is an alcoholic. Yes, we’re different people. But we’re both alcoholics going it one day at a time. I’ve gone two thousand and two days. When I spoke with him at church, he’d gone three hundred and ninety-seven days.”
“That was this morning.” Josh smirked, adding cement to the wall. “On my way over here, I saw his truck parked in his old drinking buddy Ray Sinclair’s driveway.”
Ray was in the program, too. She’d met him at both of the meetings she attended regularly. But that wasn’t for her to share.
Tessa pinned Josh’s gaze with hers. “Either of us, either could have a relapse today, tomorrow, next week. Until you accept that, work on healing things with your father as well as me, I can’t let us be more than business partners.” Her voice caught despite her best efforts to keep it strong and unemotional.
Josh’s pupils dilated until they were almost black, and a muscle worked in his jaw. He leaned closer, drawing her to him like a magnet and setting off an almost nauseating flutter of anticipation and fear. Their lips touched, his questioning, hers answering with what she felt rather than what she’d reasoned. He rested his hands on her waist and she automatically raised her arms and placed them around his shoulders before she caught herself. She pushed him away gently, the effort nearly draining her already depleted resolve.
“That doesn’t change things,” she said.
“I know, as much as I wish it did. But it can’t be undone, and you can’t say our kiss didn’t affect you.”
“No, I can’t say it didn’t affect me.” More like rocked me to my core. “But we can’t repeat it.”
“Is that what you want?”
She dropped her hands from his shoulders. “Being this close to you, I don’t know what I want.” Her heart tripped when she saw no triumph on his face.
“Tessa, I’ll try with Dad if it will help you and me.”
She held firm. “It has to help you.”
“I’ll try. It’s all I can say.”
“And pray, pray hard and listen to Him. That’s what’s gotten me to where I am.” Although she hadn’t heard many clear answers lately.
Josh nodded. “I hear you.” He stood. “We’d better head back before Gram sends my brothers looking for us.”
He offered her a hand up and she took it. As much as she thought she should avoid his touch again, she knew they were both too fragile right now to brush away his offer. She let him pull her to her feet and squeezed his hand before she dropped it.
Josh gave her a wobbly smile that opened a crack in her armor just wide enough to let the glimmer of hope for them she’d lost earlier slip back into her heart.
Chapter Ten
Josh was barely in the front door of Jack and Suzi Hill’s house the next evening when Owen had him by the hand and was dragging him through the front hall. “Coach Josh, I have everything all set up for us in the workshop in the basement.”
“Slow down. Let me check in with Mr. or Mrs. Hill. And were you supposed to open the door without one of them in the room?” That was one kid rule they hadn’t had at his house, but he’d picked up on it from Jared and Becca.
Suzi appeared in the doorway of the living room. “No, although he did shout that you were pulling in.”
“I recognized his truck.” Owen faced Suzi. “I knew it was him.”
“House rules,” Suzi said.
“I know.” Owen dropped his chin to his chest. “I’ll remember next time.”
“Okay. I told Owen earlier that the brownies I’m baking should be done and cool enough to sample when you guys are finished. They’ll be in the kitchen.” Suzi went back into the other room.
“Brownies are one of my favorites,” Josh said.
“Me, too.” Owen glanced back at the window. “Is Coach Tessa coming to help us?”
“No, it’s just us guys.”
“Oh, okay. The workshop’s this way,” Owen said.
He followed Owen
through the kitchen and down the basement stairs, his curiosity getting the best of him. “Why did you ask about Tessa?”
The boy jumped off the last step and shrugged. “You always come to soccer together, and sometimes you sit with her at church. And the last time Mom took Dylan and me out for pizza, you and Coach Tessa were there getting pizza.”
Owen made them sound like a couple. Was that how everyone saw them? Everyone but Tessa. His heart dropped. He’d be fortunate to work his way back to friend status. “Ah, I’m helping her do some work on the theater. When we get hungry, we go over and get pizza.”
“Do you do the hard stuff for her, at the theater?” Owen walked to Jack’s workbench and scrambled up the stool beside it. “My mom says she misses having a guy around to do the hard stuff. So I try to help her. But I think she just misses Daddy like I do. Hope said your daddy went away, too. Did you miss him?”
What was it with Owen and questions? Or, he thought about Hope, was it all kids and questions? He scratched the back of his neck. “I was a lot older than you when my father went away,” he said, as if that was an answer. “How about you show me the car kit so we can get started?”
“I’ve already got all the pieces out here.” Owen swept his arm down the workbench.
“Got any ideas what you want it to look like?” Josh asked.
Owen’s eyes sparkled. “A cool, fast race car.”
“I thought you might say that.” Josh whipped a folded paper out of the back pocket of his jeans and spread it in front of Owen. The little boy looked at Josh’s drawing and gave him a wide smile.
“Did you make this with the computer program you showed us at school?”
“I sure did.”
“Cool! Mr. Hill said the saw we need is hanging up there.” Owen pointed at a coping saw on the wall behind the bench.
Josh lifted the saw from the hooks and breathed a silent sigh of relief that he’d diverted the conversation from Tessa and fathers. Josh understood that the little guy might need to talk, but he wasn’t the person to talk to. Not about fathers. That was way out of his element.
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