“To suck blood?”
“No. To escape the world, by being the ultimate rebel. To take life—and death—to the very edge, and always, always survive.”
“But do people believe this could actually happen?”
“Some. But for most, it is a fantasy. And as a result, books by the millions are being sold.”
“But why vampires, of all monsters? I mean, why not the werewolf or something else?”
“A question,” I said, thinking of my own desires and wants, “that’s easily answered. The vampire is suave and cool. He is perfect in the flesh, though his flesh is dead. And the vampire has uncanny, and desirable, superhuman abilities, and those vary from account to account.
“Folks see the vampire as a sort of dead James Bond. Mr. Cool wherever he goes, able to handle any situation. He’s also able to mesmerize with just a gaze, and impose his will upon the innocent. He’s the ultimate control freak, because he holds the power of life and death. And that’s what a lot of people lack in their lives. The vampire is an escape.”
Needless to say, when the article appeared the next morning, I quite simply looked the idiot. The article’s title read Deceiving the Unsuspecting, with a subhead of Local Vampire Studies is Actually Cult.
I especially liked the part where we supposedly steal young maidens and fly off into the night.
Someday...someday....I would show them all.
Chapter Five
Like I said, the week passed slowly, and when Thursday limped around, we held one final meeting, which would hopefully tie up any loose ends. But to everyone’s surprise, we had a new member join our club. Actually, he was a new student who had enrolled just the day before. Our numbers in both the class and the club rose from four to five. A twenty-percent increase. I wasn’t sure where we’d all be able to get jobs in the field when this was all over.
We had him stand in front of the class, and he introduced himself. “My name is Dial Toen, and I’m a vampire at heart.”
Music to my ears. He was already, I could tell, one of us.
“All my life I’ve dreamed of being a vampire. I’ve read all the books, seen all the movies, even Bordello of Blood. I’ve searched for possible vampires, hoping they would make me one of their own, but all my searches were fruitless.”
He held up a copy of the aforementioned newspaper. “I’ve never heard of a college having this major, but when my aunt, who loves me and respects my own love for vampires, sent me this article, I quit my job and moved here to Virginia, enrolling immediately. I believe this to be my wisest decision ever.”
And I couldn’t have agreed more. I stood as he sat down. “We welcome you, Dial. There is only the small matter of initiation and you are officially one of us.”
I showed our newest member-elect what to do, and without a moment’s hesitation, he jumped from his seat, hooked his two index fingers like fangs in front of his mouth, burst through the meeting-room door, and proceeded to run through the entire student union, all the while singing, “I wish we all could be vampires now!” to the tune of a popular Beach Boys hit.
Outside, I heard a student grumble: “Damned vampire lovers.”
He came back minutes later, gasping for breath. “Congratulations,” we all said together, Professor L included. “You are now a Vampire Club member!”
Did I mention that he was also the most physically fit guy I’ve ever seen in my life? No? Then did I mention that Janice was staring at him like he was Apollo incarnate? No? It now appeared I had some very sizable competition.
Maybe my welcome had been a little too warm.
Chapter Six
Professor L had somehow managed to scrape up the money from the university to finance our plane tickets, tapping some obscure fund designed to promote undergrad experiential education. Whatever that means, it probably wasn’t established for vampire hunting.
But as for lodgings, we were on our own. That’s when the new guy, Dial, came through for us. He had some relatives in Pennsylvania—he apparently had lots of relatives everywhere—and they were located in the exact city where we were headed. Believe me, I wasn’t the only one with my mouth hanging open and attracting flies. The house was even supposed to be large enough to house the six of us.
Janice took the seat next to Dial’s. I sat behind her in case they lowered their voices and got all cozy. The plane touched down and Dial’s relatives were waiting for us in two rather large Ford Bronco SUVs.
There were six relatives, in their early-to-mid twenties. Four were bronzed males with muscles that would have made the pre-political Schwarzenneger jealous, and two were Mayan goddesses, stony but stacked.
Juan spoke for all of us. “These are your relatives?”
Dial looked at them. “Yes, mostly cousins.”
Buddy whispered in my ear, “They all look like your mom.”
“That big?”
I studied them. Naw, they weren’t that big.
Two walked over and scooped up our luggage in their python-like arms. They literally threw them in the backs of their oversized Broncos.
I swore under my breath. If they dent or tear one of my Anne Rice books....
I blinked and looked at his relatives again, and my anger gave way to acceptance. I just wouldn’t look upon them too favorably. I would definitely look up to them, just not favorably, you see. Besides, they were being hospitable.
They split us up between the two war wagons, and my sweetie-to-be, Janice, ended up in the other truck. If one of those gorillas laid one finger on her honey flesh...I’d just...I’d go right up to the perpetrator and...kick the gorilla in the balls and run like hell, even if I needed a stepladder.
I’d satisfied myself that Corey Haim would have conducted himself in the same manner. I’d even bid on the molar Corey Haim had tried to sell on eBay, during one of those many periods when drug addiction had left him homeless. I’d run around with my jar of allowance, yelling “I want the tooth and nothing but the tooth!”
Silly boys. Lost boys.
The small town of Dissolution, Pennsylvania was not very lively. Hard to believe that the town actually mustered enough energy to combat our buried vampire over one hundred and eighty years ago.
One of the she-warriors was sitting next to me. She smiled and rubbed me with her elbow. I think the gesture was supposed to be under the category of flirtation, but she almost rubbed me out the door.
What’s a guy to do? “Er, hi. What company you serve under?”
Her eyes lit up. “Navy SEALS, recon, ballistics.” She fluttered her hairy eyes. “And you?”
“I go to Western Virginia University.”
“In West Virginia?”
“No, Virginia. The western part of plain Virginia.”
“That’s confusing. What’s your major?”
And with every ounce of pride I could muster, I said, “Vampire Studies.”
She shrank away from me as if I had tooted. “And why do you study them?” She gave me the old “Jeez, what a geek” squint.
“The importance they have on our society,” I said.
“I see.” And she turned a meaty shoulder and stared ahead. Her nostrils flared once and I got a most unpleasant view into the depths of her nasal passage.
We plowed through a rather dense forest. We had left behind what little civilization there had been. And then, to my right, I saw a cemetery. The sign was pretty trashed with graffiti. One line of red spray paint said “No loitering. Ha ha!”
Finally, after the final bend in what might have been a road had there not been bushes and trees in the way, a white mansion slid into view. It was three stories, with peeling paint, loose shutters, and a creepy little cupola on top, and the whole thing was leaning about three degrees to the west. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. There were also two more Broncos parked in the front. I could tell the motto in this family was: The family that eats herds of bison together drives Broncos together.
We parked and a couple of the
warriors grabbed our luggage, and once inside, we were all grouped into the living room like stray sheep. Dial came over to us with one of his cousins.
“This is Perch. He will show you to your rooms.” Dial leaned into our circular huddle and whispered, “Perch is mute.”
Buddy shot a glance at Perch, who was waiting at the foot of some stairs. “He’s tall and rather muscular and does posses a rather powerful personage, but I definitely wouldn’t say he’s cute.”
“Not ‘cute.’ Mute,” said Dial. “As in the button at the bottom of your remote control.”
“Mine’s at the top.”
“Same here,” I said.
“Could never find mine,” Janice said. “But I think he’s cute.”
Dial breathed deeply and let it out in a long swoosh, causing a strand of Janice’s dark hair to scrape across her berry-like lips. I wasn’t sure if Perch could read her lips, but I was starting to get a little bit jealous. Everybody seemed to be cute and charming and studly except for me.
But Dial didn’t like the goofing around. “I just wanted to let you know that you won’t get much of a response from him. He hasn’t talked since he saw his father killed as a boy.”
Bummer.
And I thought Corey Haim had had it rough....
Dial left us with Perch, who then proceeded to lead us up a flight of stairs to our rooms. He stopped at the first door. He pointed to Janice, then to the room. She looked at him quizzically. His one eyebrow which stretched from eye to eye, working its way up into confusion. He again pointed to the room and Janice, but this time he rested his cheek on his hands like a slumbering baby, of sorts. Janice, who usually ended up on the negative side when our club played charades, shrugged again.
Perch seemed thoroughly perplexed, if not a little pissed off. Once again he pointed to Janice and then to the bed, but this time he dropped to the wooden floor, curled up in the fetal position and stuck his thumb in his mouth. He looked up at Janice. She scratched her head.
He jumped up in a single flop. He grabbed her bags and threw them into the room. They hit the far wall.
“Oh, is this my room?”
He looked at us, fists clenched. A loud pulsating came from his chest as if his heart was working overtime. The pulsating, now visible, moved up along his sternum and into his neck.
His mouth burst open. “No shit, Sherlock!”
“You don’t have to be rude,” Janice said, still calm and beautiful. “And congratulations on your miraculous recovery.”
Perch, eyes once wide with rage but now surprise, looked at us with a new excitement. “I can talk! I can talk!” he said with an irritating repetition that I hoped would soon be corrected with more practice.
He turned and headed down the stairs. “Excuse me,” said Professor L, “I don’t mean to dissipate your joy, but you forgot to show us our rooms.”
“Over there. Over there. Over there.” Definitely needed more practice, I concluded. He pointed on down the hall and then was gone. The loud, repetitive talking I heard downstairs was an indication that Perch could hardly wait to share his big news. Over and over again.
Buddy, Juan, and Professor L began choosing their rooms. I, instead, poked my head into Janice’s room. “There’s a double bed a few rooms down,” I suggested, pretty sure I could find one somewhere in the one-in-a million-chance she agreed. Actually I liked those odds. Let the bones roll, baby!
She, however, had a suggestion of her own, and I must say that never in my life had I envisioned using a curtain rod in such a manner.
But I think she sort of liked me.
I passed the other three as they began unpacking in their selected rooms, and I turned into the next available one. I dropped my two suitcases on the floor then dropped myself into a chair. The grumbling in my stomach kept my ears busy, while images of Janice occupied my thoughts.
No, not those images. You pervert. I mean, the ones with her clothes on where we’re having a serious relationship.
What more was there to do? I was truly dumbfounded. Maybe I could read a book on the subject. Surely there was a book called How to Talk to Girls in the college library. Hell, I’d found How to Talk to Vampires and Mesmerizing for Dummies. Why not a book on getting lucky?
As I sat there feeling sorry for myself, I noticed something that had been nagging at me since I first stepped through the mansion’s doors. This place was mighty weird, with all the angles of the doors, windows, and rooms tilting slightly out of square. And these relatives of Dial’s were odd ducks. But it was more than that.
It was all working out too perfectly. We’d located the vampire, we’d found a nice base right next to the alleged vampire resting grounds, and all we had to do was walk right up and introduce ourselves.
And, hopefully, ask him to bite us.
Chapter Seven
When we had unpacked, Dial showed us around. Maybe I should have been more shocked at the fact that all of Dial’s relatives had to duck to get through doorways. I heard Buddy whisper to Juan that it was all in the genes. Of course, Juan had to say something about something in somebody’s jeans, and then he had to giggle about it.
As we passed in and out of the many halls, studies and libraries, we came into contact with many of Dial’s cousins, and I didn’t think I passed the same cousin twice. Maybe we were in the midst of a family reunion or something.
Dial said it was cultural and that was that. You couldn’t really argue with culture, especially when the culture was big and mean-looking.
We came upon a large room in the East wing and found an old man seated in a deep red, leather chair. His fingers were tented before his hawk-like face.
“Gang, this is my granddaddy,” Dial said.
He nodded, squinting, and studied us closely before saying, “I hope your stay is peaceful.”
I stepped forward, being the leader and all. “I want to thank you for letting us stay in your spacious and intimidating house, Mr., uh....”
“Just call me Granddaddy Grandmaster, or Grandmaster for short.”
“Er, sure. It’s a most gracious gesture, Grandmaster. We’re the Vampire Club, as Dial probably told you.”
The old man’s eyes narrowed, and they hadn’t been that wide open to begin with. “Dial tells me you’re tracking the two-hundred-year route a vampire supposedly traveled. Something like retracing the route of Lewis and Clark?”
“He has told you correctly, Granddaddy Grandmaster,” I said, glad that our newest club member had not leaked too much top-secret information even to his grandfather, because that would be cause for censure. “It’s sort of like a pilgrimage. To walk the same backwoods as our vampire had, to see what he saw, to smell what he smelled. It doesn’t bother us that we’re just a few hundred years late. We’re content with the fact that we are standing on hallowed ground.”
The humor in his eyes was replaced by a momentary darkening, but the humor returned soon enough. “Well then, I wish you many pleasures! And restful peace.”
“Thank you, Granddaddy Grandmaster.”
“Grandmaster for short,” he said.
And as Dial led the way out of the room, I noticed a few peculiarities. First, there was a map of the world behind him with twenty or more tacks dotting different countries. Second, chairs were grouped around Grandmaster’s chair as if he’d spoken to a small group or held a meeting.
So the old man liked geography lessons. At that age, he’d earned the right to a few quirks. Such as a name like “Grandmaster.”
Chapter Eight
After we’d somewhat adjusted to our new and spacious surroundings, we ate. Dozens of bronze-skinned Toens were hunched over their plates on each side of the long elegant dining table, slurping and smacking and wolfing.
Before me was a chunk of beef the size of my head. As I sat there figuring out a plan of attack, Buddy leaned over and whispered in my ear: “This table’s over twenty feet long. Guess how they measured it?”
I shrugged.
&
nbsp; Buddy looked down at his groin. “Need I say more?”
“You’re sick,” hissed Janice who somehow managed to piece together our male humor. She was used to it, being the only female of the club.
Buddy opened his mouth to reply, but Grandmaster at the head of the table began hitting his own side of beef with the handle of his steak knife. The result was a sickening sound that sounded more like kinky sex. Or maybe I was just thinking like Buddy. I looked at Janice just in case, but she didn’t get it.
So much for a sick, kinky sex connection.
Everyone grew quiet as Grandmaster pounded his meat. “As head of this household, I want to formally welcome you. We all know of your quest and wish you the best of luck.”
“And,” I said, “As head of The Vampire Club, I want to thank you for your extreme generosity in both the accommodations and meal.”
“Just our way of helping out whenever possible. Dial is such a dear grandson”—someone laughed further down the table and Grandmaster looked at him sternly—”we like to help him when possible. We encourage his dedication to vampires and consider it an extreme honor to welcome The Vampire Club into our mansion.”
With the formalities out of the way, we ate, and by the passionate stares of Dial Toen’s cousins, it was none too soon. If they’d have had to wait much longer, they might have taken our livers.
All that growling and munching reminded me that I hadn’t eaten all day. I sawed and hacked and tore and ripped and ate and was grinning like a fool, beef juice streaming down my chin. Janice ate with grace, daintily slicing her beef into thin strips. Buddy used his hands, the pig. Juan was like me, chowing down. Dial ate like his relatives, and I knew there wouldn’t be any seconds.
Over the smacking and chomping, I heard a noise. I stopped chewing and realized it was Juan.
“Andy? Andy?”
Scott Nicholson Library Vol 2 Page 32
