His mind suddenly raced to an idea that didn’t sit too well with him. What if her plan was to leave Lindsey? What if she packed up and left again?
What unsettled him more was the idea of her being gone again. It shouldn’t, he decided. He had his daughter back, and that had been his goal all along. He’d been searching the world for Lindsey, not Jana.
Maybe the first six months after Jana left he’d thought he could find her and they could work things out. But when she didn’t call, didn’t write, he gave up hope of reconciliation and focused on finding Lindsey. He had known that somewhere out there a little girl had to be missing him. If Jana had missed him, she could have called.
* * *
Jana walked into the living room, needing time alone. Space. She’d never been good with crowds, at the feeling of being suffocated by Coopers. There were so many of them. They talked loud, they laughed loud and they lived loud. She’d grown up in a quiet home, just herself and her parents. They had never raised their voices. Ever.
She’d never learned to be strong. Strength was something she’d found after learning of Lindsey’s kidney failure. Strength was still coming to her. And faith. In the beginning stages of her marriage, it had bothered her when she learned that the Coopers put so much into something her parents had seen as archaic, just an old tradition.
Now she understood faith. She understood pleading for peace and finding it in an overwhelming way. She now understood the strength that came from knowing there was a God and He had a plan.
It wasn’t archaic; it was relevant. She was living proof. She had tried on her own to find peace, to forgive herself, to get through her daughter’s illness. She’d been drowning until Lindsey begged her to go to church. Lindsey had found faith in a private school Jana had sent her to. A school she attended with the children of missionaries in Africa.
Jana took in a deep breath and focused on family portraits on the wall. She’d seen these same pictures years ago. As more grandchildren were born, as the children got older, pictures were added to the wall. Only Lindsey’s progress had been frozen in time. There were pictures of Blake, but their wedding picture was gone. Left in its place were pictures of Lindsey as a baby, at one year of age and a picture of Lindsey at her second birthday sitting on her pony.
Their lives had stood still in time, stopped in Lindsey’s second year. No one but Jana and a friend knew how difficult that year had been for her.
Jana swallowed a hard lump of regret. She felt someone walk up behind her. She turned and smiled at Myrna Cooper. Myrna touched her shoulder as she came to her side.
“Don’t let regret swallow you up, Jana. We all make mistakes.”
“Not this big, we don’t.”
“Oh, honey, you can’t undo the past. You can only make the future better. Not just for Blake and Lindsey, but for yourself, too.”
Jana nodded, because she didn’t trust herself to speak. The kind words, the kind expressions, would be her undoing. If she opened her mouth to answer she would probably cry. Myrna seemed to understand. Instead of pushing the conversation, she put names to faces, catching Jana up on new additions to the family and changes that had taken place.
“I have your wedding ring.” Myrna’s words came at the end of the conversation.
“I’m sorry?”
“You left your wedding ring on the table. Blake was beside himself when he got home and you were gone. He picked up the ring and came over here. When he left to go back home he tossed the ring on the counter. I thought it best if I held it for safekeeping.”
“Myrna, I...” Jana didn’t know what to say, how to respond.
“When the time is right, you’ll know what to do.”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
Myrna smiled at that. “You young people are so funny to an old bird like myself. You think you make your own destiny? You think that all of this happens by accident? I have one important bit of advice for you. Don’t run. Stay and see things through.”
“I’m not leaving again.”
“But there will be times that you’re tempted. It isn’t as if this is going to be easy, living here, being thrown back into the life of the man you left.”
“No, it won’t be easy.”
“Remember that you’re not alone. You have people you can talk to. Including me.”
“Thank you, Myrna. I’ll remember.”
Myrna raised a bejeweled hand. “That’s Granny Myrna to you. Don’t let this group get to you. Especially Mia. She isn’t your biggest fan. Heather is running a close second in anger. They love their older brother.”
“I know I don’t have a fan club.”
Myrna gave her a swift hug. “But you have friends. Now, I think we should go help set the table.”
She walked to the kitchen with Myrna. They put pitchers of water and sweet tea on the table and filled glasses while Heather and Elizabeth, Travis Cooper’s wife, set the table.
And then she found herself seated next to Mia. Blake sat across from her, and Lindsey had picked a seat at the second table so she could sit with Jade. That left Jana stranded in what felt like enemy territory.
“Bought a plane ticket yet?” Mia scooped asparagus onto her plate and passed the serving dish to Jana.
“No, actually, I haven’t.”
Mia smiled and took a few new potatoes before passing the bowl. “That’s good. We all love having Lindsey back. Blake hasn’t been this happy in, oh, ten years.”
“I’m sorry, Mia.”
Mia started to say something else, but Blake shot her a look that shut her up quick.
Blake turned his attention to Teddy, who had taken the seat next to his. Jana listened as the two discussed fishing and riding horses. They talked about Teddy’s mom, because Teddy said she slept a lot.
Jana’s heart got a little more tangled up as she listened to the little boy talk about the messy house, the cold soup for meals and a mom who could barely crawl out of bed. It all sounded so familiar.
Blake glanced her way, not smiling. Their gazes connected, and she knew she had to tell him what her life had been like before she left Oklahoma.
After the meal, Jana helped clear the table. Around her, conversations drifted; Sophie laughed at something Madeline said. Heather managed to smile and tell Jana about her new house. She was moving back to Dawson from Grove. Jana shared that she thought when the time was right she would find a house in Dawson and maybe a job. It was a simple conversation but it was a start.
When everything was cleaned up, Jana escaped out the patio door. Blake had disappeared into the family room with Teddy. Lindsey had followed Jade somewhere. Jana needed to breathe deep and clear her head. A few minutes later the door opened and Blake walked out. He stretched and then touched his side, grimacing.
“Are you okay?” Jana looked away from him to study the way the breeze caused the water in the pool to ripple across the surface.
“I’m obviously better than you are.” Blake walked up next to her. “I’ve talked to Mia. She’ll back off.”
“She loves her brother and I hurt him. I think she has a right to be angry.”
“She takes it too far.” Blake stood next to her, his arm brushing hers.
“I really need to go, Blake. It was kind of your family to include me today, but maybe it would be better if the family dinners don’t include the ex-wife who kidnapped your daughter.”
“That isn’t what they think of you.”
“I think a few of them do. What about you?”
He looked down at her, studying her face, his hazel eyes more blue today, with hints of green and gray. “I don’t know what I think anymore.”
“It probably doesn’t help that you can’t turn around without me being in what used to be your space.”
“I’m wor
king through that.” He smiled a little, and in that smile she saw the old Blake. The shadows lifted from his eyes, from his expression. “I can bring Lindsey home after I take Teddy home.”
Teddy. “Blake, his mother. It sounds as if she needs help.”
He cocked his head a little to the side and stared at her for a long minute. “Why do you think that?
“Because I...” She closed her eyes, then spoke. “I’m familiar with the symptoms of depression.”
He took her by the arm and they started walking. “This sounds like a conversation we should have had a long time ago.”
They stopped after they’d walked a distance from the house. A big oak tree gave them shade and a light breeze blew.
“Your turn,” Blake said, studying her face with an intensity that made her want to take back what she had said.
“There’s so much to say, Blake. I’m not sure if this is the time.”
“It seems like the time to me.”
“Okay. But it won’t be easy.”
He shrugged powerful shoulders and he didn’t smile. She knew it had to be said, but it hurt, just thinking about it hurt.
“Blake, I had a miscarriage.”
“What? When?” The word shot out, cold and hard.
She closed her eyes, unable to look at the pain in his. “Six months before I left. I didn’t know how to tell you. I already felt like a failure, a fraud, and the miscarriage toppled my emotions. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think I developed postpartum depression with Lindsey, and the miscarriage threw me into a tailspin that I didn’t see coming.”
For a long time he didn’t say anything. His hand had been on her arm, but it dropped and he walked away. She watched him gather himself. His hand rubbed the back of his neck, and he stared out at the field. She gave him a minute and then she walked up behind him.
“I made one bad choice after another.” She wanted to touch his hand, hold it, but she didn’t. She stood next to him, not touching him. “I know you might not be able to forgive me. I’ve had a hard time forgiving myself. But I thought you should know. Not because it’s an excuse for what I did, but I just...”
“You could have told me.”
She nodded, because her throat constricted, and she couldn’t get the words out.
“I’m not even sure what to say to you, Jana. I would have done anything for you. I would have walked on hot coals to make things right for you.”
“And I walked away.” She sobbed on the words. “I know.”
He looked down at her, his eyes a storm of emotion. “I’m not sure where to go from here.”
“We focus on keeping our daughter healthy. And we take it one day at a time.”
“I guess that’s our only option.”
She turned and he walked with her. “I should go. You’ll bring Lindsey home?”
“Yeah. Do you have anything in the house?”
So that’s how they were going to play it? They were going to walk away from the pain and pretend as if it hadn’t happened. They were strangers with a daughter.
“No, I left my purse in the car.”
Blake walked with her to the car. They stood there for several minutes, the breeze blowing around them, dust clouds kicking up across the field.
“I should go.” She finally managed to find words to release her from the moment that seemed to have them both frozen.
“Yes.” He reached to brush the hair from her face. “And, Jana, I’m sorry you thought you had to go through that alone.”
She was, too. The softness in his voice brought tears that she blinked away. And then he leaned in, taking her by surprise.
When his mouth touched hers, she forgot to breathe. He brushed his lips across hers, soft, tentative, before fully claiming her, his hands cupping her cheeks.
He ended the kiss, but he held her close, and she inhaled the familiar outdoors, leather and spice scent that was all his. It felt like coming home. But she knew it wouldn’t last. He could comfort her for a moment. Maybe they were comforting each other, ten years too late.
But any moment he would remember what she’d done, and his anger would return. For that reason she pulled back. And she immediately saw it in his eyes. Regret.
“I shouldn’t have done that.” Blake inhaled a deep, shaky breath. “Jana, I don’t want to go back to that place where I spend years feeling like I have a big hole in my life.”
“I know.” She knew he wouldn’t believe it if she told him she’d had a matching wound in her own life, the place in her heart that missed him.
He nodded, and she noticed his hand trembled as he brushed his palm across his cheek. “I’ll bring Lindsey home later.”
She slid behind the wheel of the car, thankful for the support because her legs had gone suddenly weak.
Somehow she managed a quiet “Thank you.”
As she drove away, Blake stood in the driveway watching. She could see him in her rearview mirror, and there was something about that image that unsettled her.
She glanced back one last time, saw him wave then walk toward the house. The car kept going, putting more and more distance between them.
But this time she wasn’t really leaving.
Chapter Seven
On Monday, Blake left work in the afternoon and headed for his place. He’d received a panicked call from Lindsey telling him the new foal looked sick. He asked her how she knew, and she admitted she’d been to the barn to pet her pony and give sugar cubes to the horses in the field. He’d told her to stay out of the stall and that he’d be there in thirty minutes.
He had checked the mare and filly late the previous night. The lights of the house had been off. He’d actually gone not just to check the foal but to talk to Jana. Because a kiss like the one they’d shared would be easy to misinterpret. He knew he was having a hard time putting the right label on that moment.
He pulled up to the house, but his gaze shifted to the corral where the mare grazed and the foal tried out new legs, prancing a little in the thick grass. Neither one of them seemed ill. He’d been played by a twelve-year-old. He grinned a little then swallowed the small grain of pride, because she’d have to learn that what she’d done was wrong.
As he got out of the truck Jana came out of the house. He reminded himself of the talk he’d been planning to have with her. There was nothing between them but a crazy past and a daughter.
Jana walked down off the porch, blond and delicate in a bright blue sundress. For years he’d brushed off the memories of what it had felt like to hold her. Now, because of yesterday, the memories were no longer images he could barely grasp. That moment of lost control meant he remembered that her skin was soft and she smelled like summer sunshine. And she tasted like honey.
He could pull himself out of those memories by remembering what she’d shared with him the previous day. A lost child, depression. After years of thinking one way about his disappearing wife, he now had to process this new information.
It was like trying to go to court without all of the evidence. That wasn’t a good feeling in court or in life.
“I didn’t expect you.” She spoke softly with that British accent that made her sound sweet, even when she was angry.
“Lindsey called to tell me the new foal was sick and I should come home as soon as possible.”
Jana smiled a little but then hid it with a frown. He grinned, because he’d had the same reaction.
“I’m so sorry.” She maintained a straight face. “I hope you weren’t working on something important.”
“I was just finishing up. And I can see the mare and foal are fine.”
“I’ll get your daughter for you. She’s in her room.”
“I’d appreciate that.”
Jana paused on the steps.
“Don’t be too hard on her.”
“I don’t plan on it.”
“No, I guess you don’t.”
“Tell her I’ll be in the barn.” In response, she nodded and headed for the house.
He headed for the barn. Might as well feed and take care of a few chores since he was there. He grinned again, because he knew the game Lindsey was playing. It reminded him of something his Granny Myrna would pull if she was in a matchmaking mood. But that didn’t make it right. Lindsey had lied. He had to be the dad, and he was definitely out of practice.
He was checking the cattle when Lindsey showed up. He nodded in her direction and walked away from a heifer that had somehow managed to get cut. Probably an old barbed wire out in the field. He’d have to see if he could find it before some animal got tangled up good.
“You lied to get me out here?” he said to his daughter as they headed toward the barn.
She shrugged. She’d been sick, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t grown up along the way. He hadn’t had time to prepare for this, for being a dad to a teen girl. There would be boys and cars, fights, everything that went along with raising a daughter. The thought of raising a girl in this day and age could bring down even the strongest of men.
Especially when his first inclination was to give her everything she wanted. Since he couldn’t give her a whole family, couldn’t give her two parents that were married and in love.
“I’m sorry.” She walked up to the stall. The mare had come in through the open door, her foal next to her. Lindsey stood on tiptoe to watch the horse eat. He realized she was barefoot.
“Where are your shoes?”
“In the house. She is pretty.”
“Yes, she is. Why did you tell me the foal is sick?”
“Mom is making spaghetti for dinner. Her spaghetti is the best, and I thought maybe you could eat with us.”
The mare raised her head from the bucket and grain dribbled from her mouth. The foal had moved in to nurse and was pushing against her side. What was he supposed to say?
Did the right words for this situation even exist?
The Cowboy's Reunited Family Page 8
