I swallow tightly. I didn’t mean to do this. To draw attention to our impending split. But it’s been spinning around and around in my head as each week passes, looming over me like a rain cloud, and it just spilled out.
She lifts her head, her eyes flicking over my face. “I know.”
I shake my head, my jaw muscles twitching in my cheek. Right here is where I should ask her to stay, but I’m a fucking coward. I’m not ready for this to slip away.
“Have you talked to Sadie lately?”
Misty caresses my bottom lip with her thumb, her eyes following the motion as if it’s the most mesmerizing thing she’s ever seen. “Yes. I had just enough time to tell her about you before Roh stole the phone.”
“What’d you tell her? About me?”
She smiles, her hand curving around my neck as she leans in for a kiss. “I told her you have gotten really good at basketball.”
I chuckle, pulling her in for another kiss. “Is that all?”
“No,” she says brushing her lips over my throat. “I also told her you shit puppies.”
I open my mouth to question her, but she uses the opportunity to go in for a deeper kiss, and I decide I could live with shitting puppies.
39
Misty
Three
“I dated Kendra because she looked like you,” Kellin says, his voice a hoarse whisper in the darkness.
Though I was nearly asleep, he has me wide-awake now. His unexpected statement acting like a shot of adrenaline. “What?”
“Not exactly like you, but similar.” His soft breaths gently stir my hair. He presses his lips against my head and continues. “For a split second, when I first saw her from the side, I thought she was you. Something about her mouth and the color of her hair. That’s what made me notice her. As soon as I moved closer and saw her other features, I knew—I saw the differences.
“I asked her out because in some sick way, it felt like having another chance with you.”
I can’t respond. I can’t move. It’s hard to breathe or think or…breathe.
“Your personalities were so different, and even though she was nice, and I really did like her, it just wasn’t there.”
Kellin sighs, his breath stuttering out slowly. “I felt like you should know that. These past few weeks haven’t been about sex. I love that part—a lot—but for me, it’s been about having this time together and getting to know you all over again. Now I know…if it had been you on my campus that day, or if I hadn’t made the mistakes I did three years ago, or if I had never moved away, we would have worked. I truly believe we would have. And we would have been happy.
“I’m grateful, even if only for one summer, you’re mine.”
One summer.
I know in my heart, it won’t be nearly enough. Never enough.
He rolls to his side and pulls me into him. His lips find mine, placing a soft kiss to them. I have a million things I want to tell him, but he continues to kiss me, almost as if he’s trying to keep me from speaking. And that’s how we fall asleep, holding onto each other, lips connected, breathing as one.
~*~
After work, smelling like grease and covered in splotches of pizza sauce, I come in to my temporary home to find Kellin and Roh in a standoff.
Kellin peers around the doorway to his room, signaling me to hurry inside. Roh, kneeling on the floor, body protected by the couch, looks at me like a hungry predator. Both guys hold Nerf guns in their hands, the floor littered with little foam bullets.
I’m tired. My feet hurt. And I smell bad. I was looking forward to a hot shower, a bed, one of Kellin’s infamous massages, followed by great sex and some sleep.
But none of this stops me from diving behind the opposite side of the couch, scooping up as many bullets as I can, and running, huddled into Kel’s room.
He bends down, presses a kiss to my forehead, and begins reloading his gun. “I love you. You’re so fucking awesome.” He stands back up, firing into the living room, but I’m still down on the floor replaying his words. I don’t think he even realizes what he just said.
“You suck, Misty,” Roh calls. “I’ll remember your betrayal.”
“Sorry,” I yell back, my voice sounding choked. “My loyalty lies with the guy responsible for my orgasms.”
Kellin grins at me, winking.
“I could give you orgasms too, but then Kel might come after me with a real gun.”
“I wouldn’t shoot you,” Kellin corrects. “I’d probably just hand you your dick.”
“I think I’d rather die,” Roh says flatly.
Scrunching his nose, Kellin nods in agreement. “Good thing we don’t have to worry about that,” he replies matter-of-factly.
Thirty seconds later, they’re both out of bullets and the battle is over. Roh tosses his gun on the chair and plops down on the couch, turning on the TV.
“That’s it?” I ask completely disappointed. When we played in my house growing up, Guy would hide reload stations, which were just coffee cans full of the soft darts. We had teams, bases, and areas to defend. There were times when I’d sit in the closet with a bucket full of ammo and just wait for someone to walk by. Our battles lasted hours, sometimes days.
This was just sad.
Kellin drops his gun onto his dresser. “I don’t feel like picking up all of the bullets.”
I shake my head sadly. “I have much to teach you.”
His eyebrows lift as he gives me an evil grin. “I’m an eager student, Ms. Handlin. Educate me. But just so you know, I learn better with a more hands-on approach.”
“That is so not what I meant.”
“You’re right. I’m already a very skilled student.”
“Can you shut the door so I don’t have to hear your sex play?” Roh says. The volume slowly rises on the TV. “It’s only fun when I’m the one doing it.”
~*~
“Did she really?” I’m not surprised that Sadie would do something like that, but I am shocked I haven’t heard about it sooner. I had no idea she could keep a secret this long.
“I feared for my life.” Kellin cringes with the memory. “She walked up to me with a piece of wedding cake in one hand and a knife in the other, and told me if I ever tried to contact you again, she’d gut me. It was a butter knife, but I got the point.”
I’m sitting on his bed, my legs folded in front of my chest, chin resting on my knee. I love Sundays. It’s the only day out of the week I’m home while Kellin works out. While he does curls in the corner on his bench, I catch up on my social media as I watch him.
“I’m pretty sure she’s over it now,” I say, only partially paying attention to the conversation anymore.
There isn’t anything I don’t like about these workouts. His hair darkens as it dampens. About ten minutes in, he always gets too hot and removes his shirt, leaving him in only a pair of basketball shorts. Sweat trickles down his chest in rivulets. The air thickens, the room growing warm and humid. His muscles bunch and twist under his skin.
The whole experience is like an hour of foreplay. By the time he’s stacking his weights, he’s not the only one sweating.
Sometimes I let him take a shower. And sometimes, like today, I can’t wait that long.
Kellin releases the weights, letting them drop to the floor. I look at the time and know his workout is over. He chugs half of his bottle of water and I watch his throat work, swallowing it down.
Before he can stand, I push myself up off the bed. My shirt is gone by the time I’m in front of him. He watches me through hooded eyes as I remove my shorts.
He tugs the lifting gloves from his hands one at a time, his eyes never leaving me.
My bra goes next, and then I step in between his legs, letting him remove my panties. I push into him, relishing in the feel of his sweaty body against my naked flesh, and kiss him deeply. His mouth is cold from the water he just drank and it makes me shiver with desire.
Kellin stands up, smashing me ag
ainst him as he backs me up until we hit his bed. I sit, grip the waist of his shorts and yank them off his hips, freeing his already hardened length.
Kellin Patel, naked, damp, and turned on is a sight I’ll never tire of.
He guides me backward until I’m lying down. The sun streams in through the blinds in thin lines across my stomach. He traces them one at a time. His touch soft, tender. I feel worshipped when he puts his hands on me.
I feel sexy.
I feel beautiful.
I feel loved.
I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to say goodbye to this man. I don’t think my heart will be able to take it.
His lips follow the path his fingers just made. My muscles twitch in response. Every inch of my body basks in the sensation of his mouth on me.
Tears well in my eyes. For the time we missed. For all the things we leave unsaid. For the happiness I feel when I know Luke is hurting. For what I’ve let go. For the uncertain future we face.
I pull his head up, directing his mouth to mine and try to explain everything I feel with a kiss.
40
Kellin
Two
We’re on numbers eight, nine, and ten of my twenty-four rewarded sexual acts.
I combined them to create one extremely pleasing experience. This one in particular is one of my all-time favorites. It’s basic—an oldie but a goodie.
I prop my head on my elbow, watching Misty sway her hips to the beat of the music as she lifts her shirt, gradually exposing more and more skin. She sweeps it over her head, tossing it at my face. I drag it down to my chest, curling my fingers into the warm material.
Wisps of blonde hair stick to Misty’s glossy lips. She doesn’t seem to notice, or mind. Her eyes are focused on me, watching me watch her.
Someone knocks at the door. Not my bedroom door, the front door. I ignore it. Whoever the hell it is can go the fuck away. We’re busy.
Misty pauses, looking toward the sound. “Are you going to get that?”
“Hell no.” I gesture for her to keep going. I’m pressing so hard against my zipper, there’s no way I could get up right now anyway.
The knock comes again—louder and more demanding now—before she has a chance to get back into her striptease. She sighs, moving toward me. I groan as she plucks her shirt from my hand and begins putting it back on. We’re going in the wrong direction.
“It could be Roh. He might have forgotten his key,” she says, knowing exactly what I’m thinking.
“If it is, tell him I’m going to hurt him.”
She rolls her eyes and pulls the bedroom door open as the knocking—now pounding—sounds again. I adjust my jeans, pause the music, and wait.
And then I hear a voice that makes my insides burn.
“Is Kellin home?”
My hard on dissipates immediately. I sit up, throwing my legs off the side of the bed. Before I can get to my door, Misty is there with Kelly on her heels.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, my surprise and displeasure both clear in my tone.
“We need to talk.” Her eyes go to Misty as if she’s the one intruding. Misty notices and turns to leave. I grab her hand, anchoring her in place.
“I’ll be two minutes. Tops.”
She nods, smiling weakly before she walks away.
“Two minutes,” I reiterate to Kelly. She starts to close the door and I put my foot out, stopping it. Misty might not be my girlfriend—I’m not sure there’s a name for what we are—but I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. More than she already does.
“Who is that?” Kelly asks, taking a seat on my bed.
“Misty,” I say simply.
She looks up at me through her dark lashes. “But who is she?”
“She’s a friend,” I reply. I lean my side against the dresser, folding my arms over my chest. “What do you need, Kelly?”
She twirls a lock of her long hair around her finger, blinking slowly at me. There was a time I thought that shit was cute. I don’t find it cute now. Not when I know she isn’t as innocent as she pretends.
“I’m pregnant.”
Boom. Just like that. No warning. No leading up.
My first thought is, FUCK.
My second thought is, that sucks for whoever the unlucky father is.
What I say is, “What does that have to do with me?”
Kelly’s big brown eyes narrow, her lips pursing in frustration. “I’m nine weeks, Kellin.”
No.
NO.
No fucking way.
I swallow tightly. I can feel sweat beading along my brow. The back of my shirt sticks to me uncomfortably. “How do you know it’s mine?”
Kelly stands up, moving toward me. It takes everything inside of me to not jump back.
“I don’t. Not for sure. But there’s a good possibility—you know that. We can do a paternity test once I have the baby if you want.”
“I do. I want a test.”
She nods, turning and pacing back toward the bed. “I’m not with Doug anymore. When I told him I was pregnant, he said he’d sign his rights over.” She laughs bitterly. “He said he’s too young to be a dad.”
I know it’s shitty, but I’m thinking the same damn thing.
I’m not ready for this. I’m too young. And when I am ready, I don’t want a kid with Kelly. I don’t love her. I barely like her.
“I want you to give us another try. I want us to be a family.”
I shake my head instantly. I don’t want any of that. Not with her. Not ever.
She steps back toward me, her palm pressing against her belly. “I know we have a lot to work out. I know I hurt you. But please just give us another shot. For the baby. You grew up without your dad. If this baby is yours, do you really want that for him or her?”
“I can be the baby’s dad without being with you. You just don’t want to be alone.”
Her eyes well with tears. She nods and they spill over, running down her cheeks slowly. “You’re right. I don’t want to be alone. I’m scared, Kellin. I’m so scared.”
I drop my head back, letting it hit the wall hard. I can’t do this. I can’t make this decision right now. I need to think. I need time.
Always more time.
“I can’t give you an answer right now,” I rasp.
She nods again, batting the moisture off her cheeks with the tips of her fingers. “Promise me you’ll consider it. Think it over.”
She could be carrying my child. I owe her that much.
“Yes,” I promise. “I’ll think about it.”
41
Misty
I’m sitting on the porch when Kellin walks Kelly out. He waits for her to get into her car and drive away before he even looks at me.
His expression is pained, almost sick, and I have no idea what it means, but I know whatever she came here for—whatever he’s getting ready to say to me—is not good.
Kellin takes a seat beside me on the steps, looking out into the yard as if avoiding my gaze. “Are you okay?” I ask softly.
He shakes his head, a dry laugh bursting from his lips. “No.” He laughs again. “Not at all.” He bites his lip, glancing sideways at me. “She’s pregnant. It could be mine. Could be the guy’s she was cheating on me with.”
Time stills. I feel frozen in place, as if my limbs are made of ice, and my lungs can no longer expand or contract. I can’t breathe. I swallow down the bile rising into my throat. And finally my head snaps in the direction Kelly went, as if she’s still there. As if seeing her will somehow solidify what Kellin just told me.
A baby.
The idea of someone else carrying his child rips my heart in two.
“I don’t know what to do,” he continues, his head now in his hands. “She’s alone and wants us…”
Please don’t say it.
I pinch my eyes closed.
“She wants me to give her another shot. Try to be a family. I don’t know. I don’t know.” I feel h
im shift beside me and I open my eyes.
He looks at me, his expression almost pleading. “I don’t know what to do.”
He keeps repeating it. Like he’s asking me to tell him what to do without actually coming out and asking. But I can’t. I won’t. Because there is a big part of me that wants to advise him to tell her to go to hell. I know it’s wrong and it’s my own shock and bitterness, but I feel it all the same.
I try to put myself in her shoes and I know I wouldn’t want to do it alone.
“I don’t know, either,” I whisper.
~*~
He hasn’t said it, but I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me.
I can feel it in his touch when he holds me.
It’s the same tender way he’s always regarded me, but it’s different now somehow. It’s like he’s saying goodbye.
He’s already made his choice. And it isn’t me.
I find this wretchedly ironic.
I think he’s only waiting for our time together to conclude. Part of me wants to stay and try to get in every single last minute, but I know it will just make it more difficult in the end.
Time after time, I’ve almost told him the truth I’ve been holding onto for weeks. But I didn’t do it, and I can’t do it now. I hold it in because I’m not sure it will matter. And if it doesn’t, it will hurt more than just walking away.
If it does, I’ll always feel guilty about it.
I’m supposed to work at Newton’s for one more week. I called and let them know I was going back to Ohio early. I was actually scheduled to work right now, and I feel bad for leaving them on such short notice. But I had to do this tonight. I knew I needed to pack while Kellin wasn’t here.
I can’t hold the tears back while I pack. They turn into big, ugly sobs as I shove everything into my bag. I’m going home. There’s no other option. I’ve gone back and forth over whether or not I should go to Hope and Mason’s. But I can’t do it. It’s just too close. And I can’t look at Mason—he reminds me too much of his brother.
When I’m sure I have everything, I leave the key on the coffee table and let myself out.
Always Forever Page 15
