Luke opens the passenger side door for me. I’m about to step in when a large truck pulls in behind us. I recognize the vehicle immediately and my breath catches, my stomach twisting violently as I meet Kellin’s eyes through the window.
I say his name; at least I think I do. But I can’t move. I feel frozen to this spot between Luke and the open car door.
My stomach continues to churn and spasm as question after question spins through my mind. I feel lightheaded. Queasy.
Oh, my God.
I’m going to throw up.
I slap a hand over my mouth and push past Luke, hurrying into the apartment. I ignore my roommates questioning glances.
Hold on.
Just hold on.
Make it to the bathroom.
I kneel in front of the toilet, emptying my stomach for what feels like forever.
“You okay?” Sadie asks from the doorway. I glance over at her, tears running down my cheeks, and my mouth tasting like hot garbage.
“I’ve been better.”
She hands me a towel and I wipe my face.
“What is he doing here?” I ask her. My voice is accusing, though I don’t mean it to be. I close the lid and flush the toilet before starting the process of washing out my mouth.
“They showed up at my door bright and early this morning. We would have been here sooner, but Kellin wanted to let you sleep.” She gives me a flat look. “I wasn’t allowed that luxury.”
“Where is he?”
“Still in the truck. What he wants to say to you isn’t something he wants to say in front of Luke.” Her eyes narrow as she stares at my reflection in the mirror. “You need to tell him. He came all this way just to talk to you.”
I lean my hip into the counter for support and release a shuttered breath. “Two days ago you were telling me I needed to forget about him. You told me I needed to move on.”
She holds her hands out, palms to the ceiling. “That was when I thought he was with Kelly.”
I squeeze the counter so tightly my fingers throb. My heart does a gallop inside my chest. “He’s not with Kelly?”
“He broke it off with her.”
I let that swim through my mind for a few seconds, my eyes locked on the blue rug in front of the bathtub. Every muscle in my body is tense, aching.
“What happens when he finds out the baby is his and he decides he wants to be with Kelly? That he wants them to be a family?”
Sadie growls deep in her chest, her frustration clear. “This is something you need to discuss with him.” She pulls the door open, gesturing for me to go first. I don’t budge, my feet refusing to move me forward.
“I love you,” Sadie murmurs. “And I know you think this martyr shit is the right thing to do for Kellin, and the baby that might not even be his. And I understand you’re trying to protect yourself. But,” she pauses, shaking her head for emphasis. “I say this as your best friend—you’re being completely fucking stupid. What’s the point in all of this if everyone is miserable?”
46
Kellin
9:42 AM
My eyes trail back and forth, from Misty’s door to Luke leaning against his car, his expression preoccupied. I find it strange, and maybe a little disturbing, that he hasn’t gone after Misty. He hasn’t even been inside to check on her.
“What do you want to do?” Roh asks. I shift my gaze to him. His posture is relaxed, his elbow resting in the open window, fingers tapping a beat out on the mirror. He sucks the hoop in his lip into his mouth, biting down on it.
What do I want to do?
I want to walk into her apartment, throw her over my shoulder, and bring her back to Chicago. All grunting and chest pounding aside, I don’t know how the hell to make that happen.
Roh starts the engine, causing Luke to look our way. His gaze lands directly on me and holds. “I’m just going to pull off to the side. Looks like we might be here for a while.”
“Fuck this. I’m here. I’m going to do what I came here to do.” One side of Roh’s mouth lifts in an approving smirk.
“Go get her, tiger.”
I pause halfway out the truck. “Please don’t ever, and I mean never, call me tiger again.”
“Put your claws away and get in there.” I flip him off and he grins at me in response. Freaking weirdo.
I slam the door and give Luke a slight nod. I wish I could feel bad about having sex with his girlfriend, but he’s the one who sent her off to do it. And it wasn’t just a hook-up. I love her and I can never feel bad about that.
“I’m going to take off,” he says as I pass by. “Tell her I said…” He looks as though he’s trying to figure out the end of that sentence as he stares up at the sky, dragging a hand through his hair. “Tell her I said goodbye.” He drops his head, his gaze sliding back to me. “And Kellin?”
Here we go. I have no idea how much he knows about my time with Misty—how much she’s told him. I might be about to get my ass kicked for all I know. “Yeah?”
“Be good to her.”
I feel my brows draw together in confusion. That’s not at all what I was expecting. I nod, puzzled by our entire exchange. Sadie meets me at the door before I’m able to knock. She points over her shoulder to the guys playing video games on the couch.
“Those are Misty’s roommates. Guys, this is Kellin.”
They glance my way, one giving me a quick hello, the others nodding, before returning their attention back to the TV.
“Where is she?”
“Bathroom. Straight down the hall on the right.”
“Thanks,” I say, brushing past her.
“Good luck,” she calls.
My gut clenches with her words. Luck. I haven’t had a lot of that lately. Four leaf clovers are supposed to be lucky, though, right?
I press my palm to the door and take a deep breath. I have no idea what I’m going to say. Nearly eight hours in a truck coming here and I didn’t plan a damn thing to say. Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m here. What I think I can accomplish.
Another deep breath. My fingers curl into a fist and I rap them against the door, the wood rough against my knuckles.
I hear the rattle of the knob and my heart pumps wildly in my chest, knowing I’m about to talk to her after close to a month. Face to face. Close enough to breathe in her scent.
I close my eyes and when I open them again, she’s standing in front of me.
“Hi,” I breathe.
“Hi.”
Misty twists and tugs the ends of her hair. She looks down at our feet as if she can’t meet my eyes. I want to touch her, lift her chin. I want to put my arms around her and pull her close. Too long. It’s been too damn long.
Time is still my nemesis. I can never outrun it. Can never slow it down or speed it up. It calls all the shots and I’m nothing but a slave to it.
I think, in the end, we all wish for more of it though.
“Is there somewhere we can talk? Just for five minutes.”
She nods her head, indicating the door behind me. “In my room.”
I step out of the way, letting her go in first. I close the door behind us and take a moment to look around her bedroom. At her private space. The things she chooses to surround herself with.
It smells like her in here. That soft vanilla scent I’ve loved since the first time I met her. I inhale, taking it into my lungs. I wish I could hold it in forever. Let it seep into my veins and travel my blood, in and out of my heart.
My eyes move over the shelves of books, noting she does in fact still have the vampire books and they look worn as hell. The desk full of schoolbooks. The unmade bed. Her sheets are blue, her favorite color.
Misty clears her throat and my gaze snaps to her.
And then, without thinking or preparing, I start talking.
“I love you.”
I’m surprised I actually just said that. But at the same time, I know I’ve been holding that in for way too long.
“I do,” I
continue. “I love you. And I think you should give me—give us—a chance. A real one. No rules. No time limits. Just us.”
Her eyes are wide, bright, staring back at me like she’s concerned I might have lost my mind. Maybe I have. I’ve heard love can do that to a person. It can drive you bars-on-the-windows crazy.
Crazy for you.
Crazy about you.
Crazy in love.
Sanity is completely overrated.
“There aren’t many certainties in life,” I say, my voice thick with emotion. “We all get old, fat, and wrinkly—if we’re lucky enough to live that long. And then someday, we all die. I want to get old, fat, and wrinkly with you—my best friend.”
My chest feels tight, like my lungs refuse to expand. I can barely manage to get the next part past my lips.
“I don’t want to die someday, knowing I didn’t do everything in my power to make that possible,” I whisper.
47
Misty
I’ve never seen Kellin look like this. Not once in the eight years I’ve known him. The expression on his face is almost desolate. Distraught. His eyes well with moisture. “Don’t marry Luke,” he pleads. “Don’t… Don’t give him your forever.”
I back up a step. I have to. I don’t want him to be hit with the shrapnel of my demolished heart.
I don’t know how I’m still standing. How my legs have managed to hold me up after a speech like that.
“The baby,” I utter.
He shakes his head, cutting me off before I can go any further. His hair falls into his eyes, but he doesn’t move to push it away. My fingers scream at me, begging me to reach out and brush it back. I tuck them into my sides, silencing them.
“I’m going to be there for the baby if it’s mine. I know that’s a lot to ask for you to handle. Being with someone with that kind of responsibility is probably going to be hard. I’m just asking for a chance.”
I move to my bed and sit heavily as I weigh his words. They’re much too substantial for me to hold onto. But I weigh each one carefully. Especially the part where he said he loves me.
Butterflies dance through my stomach each time I think about it. But I know, sometimes, love isn’t enough.
“And Kelly?”
“I don’t want to be with Kelly,” he says flatly.
“Not even for the baby?” I shoot back. I have to know.
“I don’t want to be with Kelly,” he repeats, his voice a low growl.
“Not even if the baby is yours? You don’t want to be a family?”
“I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH KELLY.” He rakes his fingers through his hair desperately, shaking his head in frustration. “I want to be with YOU. Only you. Why can’t you understand that?”
His image blurs in front of me as my eyes brim with tears. It feels like I’m being choked—suffocated.
“I know Luke might seem like a good choice—an easier choice—but—”
“I’m not with Luke,” I say barely above a whisper. “I haven’t been with him since he was in Chicago. Since before you and I…”
His eyes flare with an emotion I can’t decipher. His brows crinkle and he fires question after question at me in rapid succession as he paces back and forth through my small room. “Why did you break up? Why didn’t you tell me? Why was he here if you’re broken up? Why didn’t you TELL me?”
I release a shaky breath. My fingers hook into my blanket as if it can offer me some form of support. Some kind of warm comfort. Some kind of courage.
“He came here today because he knows I’ve been having a hard time since I’ve gotten back. He was going to take me to breakfast—to keep me company. It’s easier that way, if I keep busy.
“I didn’t tell you he and I broke up because I had no idea what would happen between you and I.
“I wanted to tell you. I almost did a hundred different times. But we never talked about us beyond that day. And I guess, part of me was afraid to tell you, to want something more—to look that far ahead when every other time we tried, it never worked before.
“I lost you once when we were kids,” I utter. “I lost you again at the wedding. I didn’t want to get my hopes up just to lose you again.
“Each time we tried something got in our way, and each time it hurt more and more. It got harder and harder to get over you. If I had told you Luke and I broke up, you would have wanted to know why, and then it all would have come out—” I cut myself off, shaking my head.
“And then the baby… I can’t describe how it feels to know another woman could be pregnant with your son or daughter. I know it happened before me, but I can’t help the way I feel. The way it hurts. And I will always be reminded of that feeling every time I see your child.
“I know I would fall in love with anyone who’s a part of you, but I was also worried I might resent you—or your baby.”
Kellin moves slowly, inching toward the bed as if he’s worried I’ll run.
I’m done running. I’m done hiding. I’m too drained to do it anymore. Too tired. Too wounded.
“Why did you and Luke break up?” He lowers himself to the bed, his legs so close to mine I can almost feel his heat. My skin nearly jumps toward him in search of his touch.
“I stayed,” I whisper.
“I don’t understand.” He licks his lips, his tongue sliding across the soft skin. I miss kissing those lips more than I like to breathe.
I flick my eyes away, focusing on the little wooden knob on my dresser drawer. “When Luke suggested I sow my wild oats, it was because I told him I had unresolved feelings for someone and I couldn’t agree to marry him until I knew there could never be anything between us. It almost didn’t feel real at the time. Like a dream. I played it off as a joke, and so of course, he didn’t take me seriously. But when he came to Chicago, he knew.”
I look back at Kellin, forcing myself to meet his eyes. Blue to green.
“He knew the man I was talking about was you. He didn’t want to leave without me, and asked me to come home with him. He didn’t think he could handle it if I continued to stay. I thought about it all night. The ten months he and I had together. And I thought about you. I thought about how, in all these years, I’ve never been able to move on. I thought about the way I feel like a totally different person when I’m with you. Happy. Free. I thought about it all. And in the morning, he went home and—”
“You stayed,” he finishes for me.
I nod. “I stayed.”
48
Kellin
The sound of our mutual breaths fills the air. There’s so much going through my mind. I try to sift through some of the clutter and voice the questions that matter most to me right now.
“Where do we go from here?” I question. “Is the baby too much for you?”
Maybe I’m being too hopeful. Maybe there is nowhere to go.
“I don’t know,” she says. “There’s also the fact we live in two different states. We both have work and school.” She tucks a stray lock of hair behind her ear. My fingers ache to follow the same trail. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to feel her skin against mine. Once you get used to something like that, it’s devastating to lose.
“I’ve been completely miserable without you,” she says. “I know not being with you doesn’t work for me. It hurts too much. I want us. I want to try. But are you sure you want this?”
I close my eyes as her words sink in deep. “Yes,” I breathe. “Yes, I want this chance.” I know it’s not going to be easy, but that’s what will make it that much more worthwhile in the end.
Her fingers brush my cheek before cupping my jaw. A sound, something close to a growl, vibrates in my throat. I put my hand over hers, holding her in place, and open my eyes, meeting her gaze.
She smiles weakly. “I love you, too.”
I yank her toward me so hard it’s borderline brutality, and press her body into mine. I lean in, my eyes set on her mouth.
God, I’ve missed her mouth.
/> “I just threw up,” she reminds me, her cheeks reddening.
“Did you brush your teeth?”
She laughs softly. “Yes.”
I shrug. “Then I’m good.”
Truthfully, I don’t think it would have mattered either way.
I press my lips to hers, my tongue caressing her bottom lip before running along the seam, asking for entrance. She opens for me and I don’t waste a single second. I deepen the kiss. I moan into her mouth and she echoes the sound.
I never want this to end.
“Say it again,” I say against her lips.
“I love you.”
“God, Misty, I love you too.”
~*~
After sending Roh and Sadie back to her place, Misty and I lie in her bed underneath the shield of her blanket. My arms are wrapped around her waist, securing her to my chest. I need to feel her close to me, her heart beating next to mine. It’s the only way I know this is real—that I’m not dreaming.
Her legs wiggle in between mine, bringing our bodies tighter together, making me believe she needs the same assurance. I flex my fingers against her hips—my way of telling her I understand. I’m here, it’s real, and I’m never letting her go.
“When you left, it felt like I disappeared,” I utter. “It’s the only way to describe it. I didn’t know who I was anymore. It felt like I didn’t exist without you.”
Her body stiffens against me and I don’t know if it’s because this is hard for her to hear or because she knows the feeling. I press a kiss into her hair, trying to kiss away the past.
“I understand why you went. And we always knew you’d be leaving. I knew it would hurt when the time came, but I wasn’t prepared for the way I lost myself. Right now, being here with you, it’s like coming home after a long trip.”
“I know,” she says simply. “I know.”
“I never want to do that again.”
She lifts her head, her solemn eyes meeting mine. “Never again.”
Always Forever Page 17
