“Hey, she’s not my wife,” Tony said. “Why do I have to go through the tunnels?”
“Because you’ve already been in there,” I pointed out.
“There’s no way I’m going back through those tunnels,” Freckles shouted. “I’ll have the baby right here before I do that.”
“You guys are missing one very obvious, easy fix,” Thunders said. “Look, we grab two beams, dig maybe a foot down for support and tie the beams together with rope. We attach a pulley and angle the beams over the hole. Then we attach the winch to the beams to hold them in place and lower a rope down through the pulley. It’s easy.”
“We could put a harness on the rope,” Tacos said.
“Yeah, but would the buckles hold her?” Sinner asked.
“I’m not that fucking heavy,” Freckles shouted.
Since Freckles was down there watching, and I wanted to seem like the supportive husband, I punched him in the face. Only, he stumbled and fell backwards, falling into the hole just feet from Freckles and Jessica.
“Ouch! Why the fuck did you do that?” he shouted.
“You called my wife fat.”
“No, I didn’t. I implied that she was too heavy for the harness to hold. That’s two different things. Ow!”
I glanced over the edge to see Freckles standing over Sinner. “You want to say that again?”
“Hell no. Your big ass foot in my ribs once is enough.”
“Freckles, play nice. He’s the only thing standing between you and the ghosts.” I turned back to the guys, crossing my arms over my chest and rubbed at my jaw in thought. “I think we should reinforce the beams. I don’t want to take any chances.”
“We could grab a couple extra beams, build a lattice across the hole, leaving a space big enough to hoist her up through,” Thunders suggested. “Then we could bolt the A frame into the lattice work and add a third beam that would go down into the tunnel for support.”
“Hell, we could use some metal brackets to support the joists.”
“I could run to the hardware store,” Tony suggested.
“While we’re at it, why don’t we jut get a fucking crane,” Sinner shouted. “It’d be faster and you know it could hold her weight.” I waited a second. “Fuck, woman, stop kicking me.”
“We could make a chair lift,” Thunders suggested. “Tie a rope and drop it down, securing Maggie to the chair. It shouldn’t take more than the three of us to pull her up.”
“Seriously, it’s like you guys don’t realize that I can hear your comments,” Freckles said. “Meanwhile, these contractions are really fucking painful.”
“See, this is where that whole dominant thing in the bedroom would have come in handy,” Sinner shouted. “She’d already know how to use a ball gag.”
I heard the rack of the slide and leaned back over the edge of the hole. “Freckles, while that was totally uncalled for, I don’t think shooting him is the answer.”
“Why? I could be happy with just shooting his leg.”
“No, no,” I said placatingly. “It’s just the hormones talking. You don’t really want to shoot him. Not yet, anyway.”
“Thanks for the encouraging talk, Cap,” Sinner grumbled. “I feel safer already down here with your psycho wife.”
“Hey, I told you to stop for cookies,” she shouted.
“You were serious?” I asked.
“Well, I wasn’t then, but right now I’m really fucking hungry.”
“That latte sounds really good too,” Jessica said.
“I don’t suppose that you guys have come up with some brilliant solution to get me out of here,” Freckles said. I looked over the edge and saw her face pinched in pain.
“Um…not to be the guy that gets all squeamish and shit, but I’m pretty sure your wife is shitting herself right now.” Sinner scrambled to the other side of the wall, pushing himself as far away from Maggie as possible.
“I can’t help it,” Freckles panted. “Oh God, I need to push!”
“Already?” I asked. “It hasn’t been that long.”
“Sebastian, this is my fourth baby. I’m pretty sure I know when the baby is ready to come out of my vagina!”
“Hold on! We’ll throw something together really quick.”
“Too late,” she screamed, then bent over on all fours and started panting.
“What the fuck is going on? This is like something out of Animal Kingdom,” Sinner said in panic. “Cap, fucking do something. I’m not delivering this baby!”
“Jessica can do it,” Maggie panted.
“What?” Jessica screeched. “I’ve never held a baby, let alone helped deliver one.”
“Sinner, get yourself over to my wife’s ass and make sure that you catch that baby when it comes out!”
“But she already shit. I don’t deal with that.”
“It’s part of labor, asshole. She can’t help it. Besides, you shit all the time.”
Sinner moved a little closer, approaching Maggie like she would attack him if he got too close. “Yeah, but it’s in a toilet and isn’t followed by a screaming, liquidy baby!”
Her hand shot out and she grabbed onto Sinner’s shirt, pulling him in close to her. “You get down there and deliver my baby, or I swear to God, I will make you wish you had died in that basement with your dick blowing in the wind!”
Sinner extracted himself from Maggie’s clutches and straightened his shirt. “Geez, alright. There’s no need to get violent. I get it. You think you’re ready to have the kid.” He moved down to Maggie’s backside, squinting at her as if that would prevent him from seeing too much. “Holy shit! The head’s almost out!”
I turned to Thunders and Tacos. “Get the truck over here now and call an ambulance.” Turning for the hole, I found the best place to lower myself down and climbed over the side of the hole. I lowered myself as far as I could and then dropped down, tweaking my ankle as I landed.
“Hell, that fucking hurt.” Maggie looked at me with murder in her eyes. “I think I twisted my ankle.” Her nostrils flared and I waved it off. “You know, I’m fine.”
I got closer to Maggie, not really wanting to be in the line of fire of her fury, but she grabbed onto my shirt and yanked me next to her face. “I swear to God, if you try to impregnate me again, I’ll-”
“Yeah, yeah. I know. Stop threatening my balls.” Sinner moved away from her and I took my place between Maggie’s legs. “Just like old times, huh?” I said with a grin.
She rolled onto her back and groaned. “I really hate you right now. I can’t believe I’m having my baby in a haunted house.”
She screamed and started to push. My eyes went wide as I saw the baby being pushed out. Fumbling, I ripped off my shirt and shoved it under Maggie just as the head came out.
“Holy shit, the baby’s here!”
“I know that,” Freckles shouted. “I can feel it ripping me apart!”
“Just calm down, Freckles. It’s not that bad.”
That was how I ended up with a large goose egg on my head while holding my son in my arms.
“What happened?” the paramedic asked after they loaded Maggie into the ambulance. “Did you fall getting down here?”
“No, my wife hit me on the head with a brick.”
He looked at me and then looked to Freckles. “You said something, didn’t you?”
I sighed and climbed into the ambulance. “Are you married?”
“No.”
“When you get married, do yourself a favor and make a list of all the stupid shit you shouldn’t say. And then carry it around with you for times like these.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
Storm
I helped Jessica out of the hole, but she backed away from me instantly and wouldn’t look at me. I sighed and took her arm, pulling her away from the crowd of spectators.
“I think we need to talk.”
“Yeah, but maybe not right now,” she said looking around.
“I know last night d
idn’t go as planned.”
She laughed nervously and brushed the dirt from her clothes, but still wouldn’t look at me. “It was just a spider. I didn’t mean to ruin the mood or anything.”
“Look,” I said, trying to ease my way into this conversation. “I think we should get a few things clear about last night.”
She sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, finally looking at me. “Don’t worry about it. I get it. Some men are just really bad at talking dirty. I mean, I didn’t expect you to do that, but what you said was just weird.”
Okay, so, she wasn’t going to be understanding about this. So, I did what any male would do and lied my ass off. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned in like I hadn’t heard her right. “Sorry? What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the whole honeypot and starving dog thing. I mean, it wasn’t even close to dirty talk. Maybe some girls are into that, but that’s not me, so maybe we should just keep this strictly platonic.”
“I’m sorry,” I said scratching my jaw, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Last night,” she said emphatically. “In your room at Reed Security. You know, you came in and started saying all that weird shit and I pretended to go along with it for a while.”
“Uh,” I chuckled awkwardly. “I think maybe you hit your head harder than you thought. We both went to bed last night after we came back here. Your head was hurting. Don’t you remember?”
“Are you serious?” She scoffed and backed away. “Are you really standing there and telling me that you don’t remember telling me you were going to fill me with your pus?”
Everyone got quiet that was nearby. I cringed and looked out of the corner of my eye. People were staring at us. Laughing, I shook my head as if it was all so funny.
“Do you want to keep it down,” I said through my smile. I waved at a few of the policemen that were still on the property talking. They jerked their chins at me, but the looks on their faces were skeptical at best.
“I knew you were lying, you little shit. Trying to make me think I’m going insane is a really low blow, jackass.”
“Look,” I pleaded. “I swear, that is not my normal. I’m smooth and debonair in bed. I make women scream my name.”
“I screamed at a fake spider!”
“I know!” I said, throwing my hands up in the air. “It’s because of those other women. They started putting shit in my head and I got all confused.”
“Why would you think that comparing me to a stray dog eating would be sexy?” she shouted. My eyes slid closed as I heard the sound of someone clearing their throat behind me.
“Something wrong here? You seem to be having a pretty heated debate.”
I turned with a smile, hoping to smooth this all over. “Look, it’s just a misunderstanding. Nothing to be worried about.”
“Are you sure, ma’am?”
She looked at me, raised her eyebrow, and then turned to the officer. Oh shit.
“Officer, I wonder if you could tell me if you’ve ever said anything…out of the ordinary to your wife in bed.”
“Uh…” The officer shifted uncomfortably, digging his thumbs into his belt. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”
“You know, the usual stuff. Saying things that could be misconstrued as something else.”
“Well, I suppose I might have.”
“Have you ever told your wife you wanted to eat her pussy like a starving dog?”
The officer flushed bright red. Even his ears were bright red. I rubbed at my eyes with my fingers, praying this would all stop.
“Or what about calling her vagina a honeypot?”
“A what?”
“Yeah,” she grinned. “Do you like that one?”
The officer cleared his throat and jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “I’m just gonna…yeah.”
“Oh, wait. Please, I think Storm here could use a man’s advice.”
“I really don’t,” I said with a shake of my head.
“I think you do.” She looked at the officer again, cocking her head to the side. “Would you say it’s normal to tell a woman that you’re going to spew your pus in her honeypot?”
“I did not say spew.”
“I…I don’t know…you know, this sounds like a domestic dispute and I really shouldn’t get involved.”
“Thank you,” I said in relief.
“On the other hand,” the officer continued. “I’m fairly certain that if I ever said anything like that to my wife that she would try and get any and all of my friends to intervene and set my ass straight.”
“It wasn’t my fault,” I said exasperatedly. “It’s these damn women. Have you ever read the shit they read? The wives of my coworkers were telling me to go get Jessica and ravage her. And then the crazy shit started. I mean, how’s a guy supposed to compete with a fucking romance novel? It’s written by women for women. It’s the bullshit they want to hear, but no guy in his right mind would ever say or do!”
“Well, I think we’ve established that you can’t and shouldn’t speak the way you did last night,” Jessica huffed.
“See what I mean?” I asked the officer. “They fucked with my head, putting all these crazy words and phrases there. And then I try and replicate that, thinking that’s the shit they want to hear, and all the sudden, I’m a sick bastard.”
“Well, you did call your cum pus,” Jessica grumbled.
“It. Was. A. Mistake! How many times do I have to say that?”
“Ma’am, I’ve gotta say. I agree with him. I mean, I’ve seen those book clubs that my wife has. It’s all a bunch of women sitting around and drinking wine, talking about how sexy their heroes are. I mean, I’m a fucking police officer. I take care of my body. Yet, there is not a single day on this earth that I could ever compete with the men she reads about. They have better feelings than I do. They can bench press three hundred pounds. They save kittens from trees and help grandmas cross the road. And most importantly, they can last for hours in the bedroom. Ma’am, I don’t know a single guy alive that can look at a beautiful woman naked and last more than forty-five minutes.”
“So, you agree with him?” Jessica said, her eyes practically bugging out of her head.
“Well, not on the terminology, but hell, you have to understand that we’re just ordinary men. And ordinary men fuck up. A lot.”
She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest in frustration. “Well, I agree with you there.”
The cop leaned in to whisper in my ear. “The next time you hear that shit coming out of your mouth, tell yourself to shut the fuck up.”
I nodded, grateful that this hadn’t turned out quite as bad as I thought. That is, until he went back to his friends and they all turned to me and started laughing.
“Look, maybe we should just start over. You get naked and lay on the bed and I’ll do my thing. With no talking.”
She shook her head at me and laughed. “I can’t just lay down on the bed and pretend nothing happened. It’s weird. I want foreplay. I want to be seduced!”
I thought about it for a moment and then it hit me. If she wanted to be seduced, I could definitely do that. I stalked toward her and wrapped my arm around her body, pulling her into me.
“Tomorrow night. Be ready, because it’s going to be everything you ever dreamed of.” I kissed her hard, making sure that when the kiss was over I walked away without another word. I wouldn’t be making that mistake again.
“I swear to God, if you bring honey to lick off my body, I’ll kill you,” she shouted.
I went back to my room, knowing that there was no fucking way that anything would happen between us tonight. I walked into the old, drafty room and sighed. Jessica had ordered new mattresses and bedding, so it least that was comfortable, but how was anyone supposed to get any sleep in this house? Yeah, it was creepy as hell, but that really wasn’t why I couldn’t sleep. It just didn’t feel like home. As much as I did
n’t want to admit it, for the first time in years, I felt like I had found a home at Reed Security.
But this was all temporary. I would win Jessica over, convince her to sell to Sebastian, and then I could get back to my home in the bunker. Maybe when this was all over, Jessica would want to keep seeing me. I smiled as I imagined us getting a different house, one with a big yard, but it would all be brand new. None of this bullshit ancient housing that looked like it should be demolished. We would hang out with everyone from work, and on nights when I would play poker, she would hang out with the women. It would be a nice little life.
But the sinking feeling in my chest reminded me why I never wanted to join Reed Security to begin with. I had already lost too many people that I cared about. The jobs I was going to be doing would be no different. Slightly less dangerous, but still, every job came with risk. And I had a feeling that Cap was getting the itch to take on more of the scum in the world like Weston Hughes. In fact, I think everyone around the office was tired of working for celebrities and were ready to take on jobs that mattered.
Staring at the ceiling, I tried not to let the images of my brothers dying repeat through my mind. But my mind had already gone there. I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t form those attachments and be let down again. And that included Jessica. If she didn’t leave, then I would end up leaving her, because I knew I couldn’t handle the pressure and expectations. I could have her, but it would only be sex. I just had to make sure that she knew that going in.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Jessica
I tried calling Dr. Abner several times the next morning, but I was told that he was busy. I didn’t believe them. After Dr. Abner had practically shoved me out of his office, I knew that he didn’t really want to talk to me. So, I grabbed my purse and made the trip to the Brookdale Psychiatric Clinic to talk to him in person. This time, though, I gave the reason for the visit as a consultation for myself.
I was taken back to a small room that was meant to be comforting, but it gave me the creeps. It felt like at any moment, someone was going to walk through the door and haul me away in a straight jacket. The door opened and I stood instantly, wanting to make sure he didn’t try and run away. When he saw me, he sighed and shut the door, coming over to take a seat across from me.
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