by Aimee Duffy
He’d hoped she’d love him back but she never did and got bored with the village life so basically buggered off one day after fucking half the townsfolk. Now she lives in Belfast with another man who likes keeping on the go like her. They could be swingers for all I know!
After wondering if she was even alive for all these years and watching da suffer, I’m so furious with her that some days I wish she had just died and saved us all this shit. I know that’s awful to think and maybe a psychiatrist is a good thing so I can get all this out of my head and move on with my life. Maybe it won’t do a thing.
Either way, I’ll know for sure next week.
Will keep you posted.
Cia
xxx
***
To: Elle Muir, Gemma Howard
From: Ciara Bree
Subject: Non-ranty email. Promise.
Thanks Gem. I’ve calmed down since I sent the other email. You don’t need to come over, I’m fine, promise. It would be good to see you though. And Brian, I’d love to meet him! Obviously you two can’t stay here. I don’t think my da could take the noise ;o)
You’re more than welcome too, Elle. I hope things with you and Marco are going well.
I saw the psychiatrist and I’m so glad I did. He helped me dig into things in my past that I had no idea still affected me. It took me ages to accept ma leaving and even longer to actually feel anything after. I threw myself into school work to take my mind off it and studied like mad, just to avoid letting the pain in. He thinks that’s why I can’t relax now, why I always have to be on the go and I agree. Whenever I felt antsy it was because I didn’t want to think about anything too deeply, like exam stress, my ma.
Zack.
I wish I’d done this sooner, because maybe things could have been different. We talked about Zack a lot. Sorry, Elle. I don’t know if you even read these emails anymore but if you do, then this is me finally able to put what I feel into words and I think you should hear it.
You were right. I was shit scared to love him, just not for the reason I believed. Now I see that growing up and watching my dad in pain made me subconsciously avoid anything that could cause that kind of agony to me. All that, along with my own repressed feelings is likely the cause of my anxiety.
But even though I was scared, I did do love him. I know it’s too little, too late, but I wanted you to know everything so you can see I didn’t do this on purpose.
More than anything, I just want my friend back. With you two in my life I can get through all the other shit.
Cia
xxx
Chapter Twenty-three
Week Six
The sun beat down on Ciara’s little 2004 Ford Fiesta as she waited in another traffic jam to get out of the city. Making a mental note to reschedule her Thursday appointment to later in the evening, she turned off the motorway opting to take the country route back home.
It was amazing what a few weeks of therapy, Rita Ora blaring from the speakers and a job she loved could do to make her happy. And even if Elle still wasn’t talking to her she had Gem. She had her da and was working on forgiving her ma – everything as per her psychiatrist’s suggestions.
Her phone chimed and she picked it up. Elle’s name flashed on the screen and she was so stunned to receive a text from her friend that she missed the turnoff to Blessington. She kept going until she saw a good spot to park up, then opened the message.
Cia, I don’t know what to say anymore, it’s been so long. I wanted you to know I am here. I do care. And if you really did too, you’d visit this address.
She didn’t recognise the rural address and still hadn’t upgraded her phone – not that it would matter out here in the sticks. She was surprised even a text got through. Grabbing for the gear stick she pressed down on the clutch, checked her mirrors then froze.
There was only one person Elle would want her to visit – Zack.
Ciara pulled the handbrake on and sat there, listening to the rapid heartbeat in her ears. She tried the deep breathing technique the psychiatrist had taught her and it worked a little. But from the panic constricting her chest she knew she wasn’t ready to go find him. Maybe she wouldn’t be for a long time.
Maybe she wouldn’t be ever.
His expression in Florence when she broke his heart flashed into her mind and wouldn’t leave. Whether Elle wanted her to apologise to Zack or try to build a relationship with him, there were no guarantees he’d even want to see her.
She noticed the time on her dashboard and remembered she’d promised to bring back pizza tonight and spend some time with her da. Her heart slowed and she thanked the stars that she didn’t have to make this decision now.
Pulling away again, she turned and headed back to the junction that would take her home – even though part of her wanted to speed away and find the address, just to see if it really was Zack.
Later that night she struggled to focus on a conversation with her dad or even on tutoring. She realised she needed to talk to someone, but sharing her worries with Elle was out.
Instead she called Gem, but it went to voicemail.
From: Ciara Bree
To: Gemma Howard
Subject: HELP!!!
Sorry for calling, Gem. You’re probably with Brian. I’m freaking out a bit. Elle texted, asking me to visit an address and I’m almost positive it’s Zack.
I want to go but at the same time I’m terrified he’ll chuck me out before I even get to say sorry. Plus I’m just starting to get my life in order and my health.
The fear I can get over, I suppose. I want to see him more than anything. But is it shitty of me to try and start something with him when I’m still a bit of a mess?
Cia xxx
She didn’t hear anything until the morning, even though she’d spent the night refreshing her inbox every two seconds. Oh, and she’d found the address, even written down directions.
There was no point in lying to herself. She wanted to go. The only thing that could stop her was Gem telling her it was a bad idea. But that’s not what Gem said.
To: Ciara Bree
From: Gemma Howard
Subject: Re HELP!!!
Don’t apologise, that’s what friends are for – to help with the stupid freak-outs :-)
Go, Cia. If you don’t you’ll always regret it. And Elle didn’t tell you where he is because she wants to crush you. She told you because you must both be miserable. Whether you’re seeing a psychiatrist or not doesn’t matter.
Let me know how it goes. I expect a full break-down tonight – if you two aren’t bonking each other’s brains out.
Take some cream for your fufu!
Love, Gem
xxx
***
Ciara didn’t waste time after that. She jumped in her car, following the directions she’d mostly memorised. Ten minutes into her drive and her hands were all sweaty on the steering wheel, not to mention her heart was palpitating. But she wasn’t going to stop in case she chickened out.
She took one of the turns, drove a little further but then had to pull over. Down the road a bit was a block of old stone flats, three stories high and almost desolate. There was scaffolding all around and renovation works had started, but a year ago none of that would have stopped her in her tracks.
It was the design. The gable wall with the staircase had been torn down to be replaced with glass. Old to modern, edgy and classy. The front windows were also being torn out and the upper floor had been replaced with French doors, like the architect was making each column of levels into three storey town houses.
And not just any architect – she recognised the signature instantly.
He’d done it. Elle hadn’t been kidding.
She shifted the car into gear and sped down the road, her breaks screeching out a protest when she stopped in front of the building. All the workmen stopped to gape at her and she rolled down the window.
‘Is he here? Zack, I mean.’
One of the
workers came closer. ‘Na, the boss is at a meeting.’
Her heart thrummed so hard in her chest she could hardly breathe. ‘Is he coming back today?’
He shook his head. ‘That’s him. Said he was going home for the weekend.’
‘When?’ she asked.
‘Tomorrow, I think. You okay, lady? You look like you’re going into shock.’
Hmm, she possibly was. But adrenaline was pumping fast and furiously through her veins making her mouth work ten seconds ahead of her brain. She rhymed off the address in Elle’s text, asking for confirmation if Zack still lived there, just in case she’d misunderstood her friend.
‘That’s the one, Miss,’ the worker confirmed.
‘Thanks.’
She started the car, but panic started to kick in again.
Shit, what if he’d moved on and hadn’t told Elle? It had been over a month since she’d seen him. Six weeks, maybe?
There were no guarantees he’d want to see her.
Still, she steered the car down another road, closer to his home. She wasn’t going to let fear win.
He hadn’t been in touch since the day he walked out of the Florence house. It’s obvious he didn’t want to see her.
But Elle gave her the address. Her old friend wasn’t a bitch and Gem had seconded that. There was no way she’d set her up for heartache.
Payback is Elle’s specialty and you hurt her.
Maybe.
‘Feck, feck, feck.’ She squeezed her eyes shut, remembered she was driving, then opened them to narrowly avoid a pothole.
She kept going through the green Irish countryside that never failed to relax her. Everything was always so peaceful out here, reminding her of weekend hikes with her da.
The last turn took her down a dirt road and she started to get a bad feeling. There weren’t any turning points on the bends and as driving in reverse could topple her and the car into the burn running parallel to the road, her only option was to keep going.
What she saw gave her a second dose of the oh-shits. There was a little cottage surrounded by acres of land but that’s not what caught her attention. The massive frame of a house behind it was what took her breath away.
Nothing but foundations, walls and a roof, yet she’d recognise the structure anywhere. It was Zack’s dream house, becoming very much a reality way out here in the sticks. Tears welled in her eyes until she had to blink to make sure it didn’t disappear.
‘You did it,’ she whispered to no one. ‘You really did it.’
But then she snapped back to her senses. There wasn’t anyone around that she could see but they could be behind the cottage. Bumping into him with her emotions in flux would be worse than embarrassing so she turned the car until she was facing the way she came – she could come back after the weekend. That way she’d have time to calm down.
There was another car making its way down the road, and no way could she get around it – the road was far too narrow. The evening sun reflected off the windshield so she couldn’t identify the driver, but the fact it was a 2010 plate Mazda gave her hope it wasn’t Zack. Surely he’d be in nothing less than a brand new Merc.
The car stopped at the edge of the road, blocking her escape. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath, but it didn’t calm her heart.
Next the door opened and a figure she knew only too well climbed out.
Zack.
It felt like she was stuck in both her best dream and her worst nightmare all at the same time.
He was more gorgeous than she remembered, and the stubble dusting his jaw only highlighted his features. His hair was longer, but it suited him better now and he’d lost some of the muscles, making him look slimmer but she couldn’t blame him. He must be crazy busy with all his projects which meant the gym would be out.
Short of sitting there gawping like an eejit, she had two options. Force his car off the road with hers in an attempt to escape or get out and say hello.
She went with the latter.
When she was out, he froze a foot away from the bonnet of her car and used a hand to shade his eyes from the sun. ‘Ciara, is that you?’
Hearing his voice made her eyes sting, her blood warm and her heart stutter – it had been far too long.
She cleared her throat. ‘Hi.’
‘What are you doing here?’ he asked and if it wasn’t for the stunned joy of his tone, the question would have shattered her.
She opened her mouth and nerves made it run ten miles a minute. ‘Elle text me yesterday for the first time in forever and gave me the address. I didn’t know if I should come, or if you’d want me to, but I couldn’t not. Then I saw the flats on the way. They were your flats, the ones you were planning to renovate in Florence! So I asked a workman if you were there and he said you weren’t so I asked if this really was your address. And… here I am.’
He treated her to that knee melting half-grin. ‘Even after six weeks in Ireland I struggled to catch all that. But I’m glad you’re here. Elle might be stubborn, but she forwarded your last few emails to me. I’m so sorry Ciara.’
Her face heated and her vision got blurry. ‘Which ones?’
She’d begged in some, been pointlessly angry in another. She’d told her friends she’d loved him before she had the lady bits to do it to his face.
‘The last three,’ he said.
Squeezing her eyes shut, she prayed the heat in her cheeks didn’t highlight her embarrassment.
‘Open your eyes, Ciara. Take a look around you.’ His voice was so tempting she had to obey.
There was only green fields beyond the trees secluding his little slice of the land. Everything was private and hidden – not flashy and in-ya-face like his granddad’s properties.
Then her gaze fixed on the house he was having built behind the cottage. ‘You’re living your dream. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.’
He came so close that she could feel his body heat and longed to reach out to him. The sizzle in her belly would have shattered her reserve if her heart didn’t ache like it did.
‘I am, but you’re still missing the most important part of the puzzle.’
She turned to him but he was looking out to the right, out past the fields and seemingly as far as the eye could see. It only took seconds for her mind to grasp what he meant.
‘You’re in Ireland!’ She gasped. ‘Why are you in Ireland?’
His smile was so sad and so beautiful that her eyes stung again.
‘Remember after our first night together in LA? I told you that we weren’t over, just on hold until you realised that?’
Ciara nodded. She remembered every second of their time together with perfect clarity.
‘I knew in Miami that I was falling for you. In Paris I thought I might need you. And it took me until we got to Santorini before I realised I definitely did. When I got to Ibiza after the argument with my granddad in Munich, I couldn’t believe you wanted to help me follow my dreams and that’s when I figured you must have been falling for me too. If I hadn’t met you, I don’t think I’d have been strong enough to take this step.’
He linked his fingers through hers and squeezed lightly.
‘Elle said she told you about Vanessa – I’m sorry I didn’t. But they could have offered me the world on a silver platter to bribe me to do what they wanted but it’d never be enough. It was then I realised there was no point in the world without you.’
‘Zack,’ she said on a gasp. Tears streamed freely down her cheeks and she couldn’t stop them.
He used his thumbs to wipe them away, but the torrent was so severe he missed loads. Still, to have him touch her again… It was like her nerve endings sizzled to life after being extinct for so long. Without thinking, she said, ‘Kiss me.’
He did, but it was a too-brief peck on her forehead.
That shattered her more than if he threw her off his property without saying hello.
‘Ireland, it’s not that I don’t want to! Don�
�t cry, sweetheart, please.’
She took a few deep breaths, trying to control herself.
He peeled off his shirt and used it to dab her face dry. Gently.
Lovingly?
God her head felt like it was going to implode.
‘I do want to,’ he said, running his thumb over her lower lip. ‘But I can’t lose you again. If we’re giving it a shot we’re doing it right. No time limits. No fling. And we take it slow.’
She didn’t want a time limit, forever wasn’t long enough. And if he dared even chat up another woman she was pretty sure at this point she’d use violence to make her feelings clear. Taking it slow, however, just wasn’t going to work for her.
‘Zack,’ she gasped, grabbing his face. ‘I love you, you eejit!’
His smile was breath-taking. ‘In case you hadn’t noticed, I love you too.’
‘So why aren’t we naked right now, making up for lost time?’
He took her hands in his, dropping kisses on her fingers before he lowered them to her sides. ‘You’ve got a lot you need to work through. From your emails to Elle I can see things are going great and I’m happy for you Ciara, but I don’t want to be the one to halt that progress.’
She freed her hands. Took a few steps back. ‘So… what? We don’t get to be together until my shrink declares me sane?’
He shook his head. ‘You are. It’s not that at all. I just don’t want to give you more to worry about while you’re dealing with things from your past.’
She screwed her eyes shut, trying so hard not to cry. Logically, she knew he was right. Emotionally, he was a hundred percent wrong. ‘I don’t understand what you mean. Do we see other people? Get together again later when you think I can handle a relationship? Do I need to prove to you I can commit first?
He shook her shoulders until her eyes snapped open.
‘There’s been no one else for me since I saw you in the pool that day with Gemma. You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted so much that I had the strength to walk away from everything I thought I needed. It would kill me if you even kissed another man, never mind shared your body with one.’
