the Dance

by Alison G. Bailey

  “Doing what?!” His tone was sharp and condescending.

  Tears of hurt and anger lurked behind my eyes. “I’m not an idiot, Will.”

  “I never said you were.”

  “You may as well have.” I choked, determined not to cry.

  I waited for him to apologize.

  Silence.

  “I’m not happy.”

  Simultaneously, Will huffed and rolled his eyes. “What do you want me to do about it?”

  “Give a shit?”

  “Each person has to find their own happiness.” He sounded cold.

  There was no evidence that my words affected him in any way. In fact, he looked annoyed that I was taking up his time.

  I inhaled a couple of deep breaths, needing to keep my emotions in check. If I broke down, the conversation would be over. I didn’t want that to happen. I wanted to deal with whatever was causing this tear.

  “With us. I’m not happy with us, Will.”

  He didn’t react immediately, his gaze drifted down. I was in hopes that my words were sinking in. That he was understanding where I was coming from and realized that we needed to take action before things got worse.

  He finally looked over at me. “I think things are good.”

  My mouth dropped open.

  “I need to get back to work.” Turning toward the desk, he picked up a pen, and started scribbling something on a piece of paper.

  “Is that what you call it?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I know you do more than just work in here,” I said.

  More scribbling. “I have no idea what you’re getting at.”

  “I saw what you were doing with that woman on the screen.” He looked up, his face squished together. He was committed to playing the innocent. “After we had that big argument I felt bad so I came down here to talk with you.”

  Will dropped his pen, leaned back in the chair, and stared out the window. The air between us was suffocating but I was determined to wait him out.

  After what felt like a lifetime, Will said, “I can explain.”

  I leaned back in my chair. “I’m all ears.”

  “Guys do stuff like that as a stress reliever. It’s no big deal.”

  “What guys? . . . and it is to me.”

  “All guys look at porn. It’s natural. It’s a god-given right, really.”

  “Really? You have the right to cheat on your wife.”

  His hands went in the air as he spun the chair around to face me. “Whoa! Hold on a second. I’ve never cheated on you.”

  “What was that the other night?”

  “Jacking off!”

  “You . . . were say . . . ing things to . . . each other,” I stammered.

  Will flailed his arms. “I wasn’t sticking my dick in her!”

  “So . . . as long as . . . that . . . doesn’t happen . . . everything else is on the table.” My voice shook with pain.

  “God, Bryson, don’t make this into something. It’s not a big deal. It’s normal.”

  My lips quivered as a tear rolled down my face. “It didn’t look normal to me.”

  Dropping his chin to his chest, Will slumped forward in the chair.

  A second wave of bravery washed over me. “What’s Virtual Life?”

  Will slowly lifted his head. “What?”

  “You go to that site a lot.”

  “You were on my computer?” he said accusingly.

  “You get on mine.”

  “Because I fucking paid for it and it doesn’t have anything important on it. I have sensitive work-related information on mine.”

  “It’s not like you work for the FBI.”

  “Do you have any idea how bad it would be if you hit one wrong key and deleted a file?”

  “I know my way around a computer, Will. We’re getting off track.”

  “Oh, I think we’re right on track. I work my ass off day and night for a wife who thinks I’m lying and cheating. Jesus Christ, Bryson, when is it going to be enough for you? I give you everything you want.”

  Unable to hold them back any longer sobs trickled out of me.

  “What’s Virtual Life?” I repeated.

  Will’s brown eyes looked darker than usual.

  His voice low and controlled. “It’s a gaming site. I get on there when I need to go brain dead for a while. I play war, Knights of the Round Table, cowboys. That’s it.”

  “Open that folder on your computer.”

  “What folder?”

  “The one that requires a password.”

  He chuckled humorlessly. “No, I’m not going to do that.”

  “What’s the problem if you don’t have anything to hide?”

  “I can’t waste any more time on this. I’ve got work to do.”

  We stared at each other, his face blank, mine coated in tears. Will was shutting down and I was drained, so there was no point in continuing tonight. I stood and walked toward the door. Before leaving, I made one last-ditch effort.

  “Will, please go to counseling with me, at least one session . . . please.” I begged.

  “One.” He snapped.

  As I closed the door, Will fired-up his laptop.

  I didn’t waste any time setting up the counseling appointment. I wanted to do it before Will changed his mind. The one thing he insisted on was that we kept the fact that we were going to counseling a secret. He didn’t want his parents to know or have people whispering about the state of our marriage. I understood his point and agreed. I didn’t even tell my parents or brother.

  Since my hands were tied, unable to ask friends or family for recommendations, I turned to our church. Will and I were slack when it came to attending Mass each Sunday. We were your typical Chreasters, showing up every Christmas and Easter. But I still receive the church bulletin and that’s where I found Joanne Foster.

  I’d never been to a counselor before and wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. Although I knew Will and I needed to be here, the thought of opening up to a complete stranger was scary. But Joanne was one of those people who radiated peace and calm. Greeting me with a warm smile, she immediately put me at ease.

  I sat in her office glancing at the clock on the wall every other second. Joanne had stepped out to take care of something since Will was currently a no-show. My stomach churned with embarrassment.

  How could he be late?

  I made sure he put the date and time on his calendar. Plus, I’d been reminding him for the past two days. Shoving my hand inside my purse, I grabbed my phone and checked for a text from Will.

  Nothing.

  I bowed my head, swallowing several times to keep the anger and disappointment from showing. I’d been even more hurt and confused since I confronted Will. I assumed once he was aware that I knew about his extracurricular activities he’d stop. Especially since we’d made plans to see Joanne. Two weeks had passed and he still locked himself away in that damn office every night. Each time the office door shut it felt like a slap in the face. What made it even worse was this woman on the computer was random. She wasn’t someone he met and developed true feelings for. Will didn’t want to be with her. He just didn’t want to be with me.

  I flinched when Joanne came walking through the door.

  “Bryson, have you heard from Will?”

  “Not yet,” I said, sheepishly.

  She sat down at her desk and looked at the clock. “Would you like to go ahead and start? If he shows up in the meantime he can join us if you like.”

  “I’m really sorry. Um . . . Will gets very busy at work and . . . um . . .” I could tell she noticed the tremble in my voice.

  “It’s okay. We all have busy lives and things happen.”

  I fiddled with the hem of my shirt. “I’m a little nervous. This is my first experience with a counselor. It’s me, not you. I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to say, which is odd because it was my idea to come here in the first place.”

  Leaning back i
n her chair, she gave me another warm smile. “First things first. Take a deep breath and relax. Anything we discuss stays between you and me. I’ve been counseling couples for twenty years and there’s not much I haven’t heard. This is a nonjudgmental safe place.”

  I nodded and blew out a breath. “Thank you.”

  “Now, I know from our brief chat on the phone when you made the appointment that you and Will were high school sweethearts.”

  “Yeah, we met our freshman year. My family moved and it put us in a new school district. I knew a little bit about him before we actually met. He was the star quarterback at Garrison High. He loved playing. Confidence poured off of him when he was out on the field.”

  My eyes got misty remembering how innocent Will and I were.

  “Did he lack confidence off the field?”

  “He doubted himself more off the field. But most of us have insecurities at that age.”

  “Was it Will’s confidence that drew you to him initially?”

  I paused for a moment and wondered why my answer wasn’t immediate. Sure, Will and I had been together for a long time but not so long for me to forget why I was drawn to him.

  “I don’t know, I guess. I’ve never given it much thought. For some reason at the beginning of our junior year he asked me out and before I knew it we were officially dating.”

  “So you were together in high school and what about afterward? Did you attend separate colleges?”

  “No, we both went to Newberry.”

  “Oh, was that planned or just a coincidence?”

  “Will got a football scholarship to go there.”

  “And what about you?” she said.

  “I didn’t get a scholarship. I was an okay student. I got good grades, just not scholarship material.”

  “Newberry offered what you were looking for in a college education then?”

  “I majored in business and their program was decent. I mean, business is business no matter which college you attend.”

  “So why did you attend Newberry?”

  “Because Will went there.”

  Joanne slowly nodded her head as if she’d just found what I’d said extremely interesting.

  “Tell me about your relationship in college.”

  “Typical. Nothing really stands out.”

  “Did you ever break up during this time?”

  “We’d have little arguments. Will would pout and not talk to me for a few days.”

  “What were the arguments about?”

  “Like if he was really late or forgot we had a date.” I couldn’t help my nervous chuckle at the irony. “He did that kind of stuff in high school too. The only person I knew going to Newberry was Will. Since he was part of the football team he had a built-in group of friends the second he got there.”

  “Did you hang out with him and his friends?”

  “Sometimes I’d go to parties with him.”

  “Any other time, like out to dinner, studying, to movies?”

  “Occasionally. Will had a lot of added pressure on him and being around his friends was a stress reliever.”

  “Added pressure?”

  “From his parents. Will has always worked hard not to disappoint them. I think he tries to make up for his brother, Alex, who’s a bit of a lost cause. Even now, he’s carrying a lot of responsibility at work.”

  “What do you get out of your relationship with Will?”

  “He provides well for us.”

  “Is that all you get?”

  “I don’t understand the question.”

  “Does he give you love, support, and encourage you to follow your passion? Is he a safe place to land when you fall? Can you share all your hopes, dreams, and fears with him?”

  I shouldn’t have needed time to think how to respond. The answer should have flowed out of my mouth immediately without forethought. But I couldn’t answer yes across the board. Why couldn’t I answer yes to all of the above?

  “Bryson, you don’t have to answer if . . .”

  “No, he doesn’t.” Air gushed from my lungs.

  It was as if I’d been suffocated by a secret and just saying the words out loud allowed me to breathe. Then panic and shame washed over me.

  “Oh my god, I love Will. I don’t know why I said . . .”

  Joanne reached out and placed her hand on my arm in an attempt to calm me. “Bryson, it’s okay. Admitting that you aren’t completely fulfilled doesn’t make you a bad person. Nor does it mean you don’t love Will. You obviously do or you wouldn’t be here trying to improve your relationship.”

  “Will is very old-fashioned. His father worked and his mother stayed at home to raise him and Alex. He wants our children to have the same type of upbringing.” I paused and then blurted out, “We lost our baby a little over a year ago.”

  Sympathetic blue eyes looked at me. “I’m so sorry. Losing a child is one of the most horrific things a parent can go through.”

  Tears filled my eyes. “After the baby . . . um . . . Will started pulling away. I haven’t been able to get pregnant again.”

  “Has Will been treating you differently since the baby?” Joanne’s voice was calm and soothing.

  I nodded. “He started getting home later and later. Even when he was home he worked in his office most of the time. I think he looks at me as damaged goods.”

  The air in the room was stifling. I wanted to tell her about the cyber-sex and what I’d found on Will’s computer. I closed my eyes, searching deep inside for the courage to say the words out loud.

  “Bryson?”

  “I caught Will masturbating in front of his computer.”

  Joanne remained silent. Not because she was in shock or judging. Now that the floodgates had opened she didn’t want to stop the flow.”

  “The night I saw him, we had a bad argument about not being able to get pregnant. I went to his office to apologize for my part. When I opened the door, I saw a naked woman on the screen touching herself while Will touched himself.”

  By the end of my admission my entire body was on fire and trembling. Tears coated my face. Plucking several tissues from the box on her desk, Joanne handed them to me, letting me recover for several minutes before speaking.

  “Was this a one-time incident or do you think he does it on a regular basis?”

  “I don’t want to believe he does it on a regular basis. But every time he goes into his office or I see him carry the laptop out the door, I wonder. He admitted to getting on this one website, Virtual Life.”

  “I’m familiar with it.”

  “He said he gets on it to play games. But I looked it up and there’s more to it than just innocent games.”

  “Have you noticed a change in your sexual activity?”

  I nodded. “He doesn’t act that interested and the last few times we’ve had sex, he’s not been able to . . . I thought it was the stress of not being able to conceive.”

  “Men are visual creatures so it’s not unusual for them to be drawn to those sites. With technology making things convenient, they’re like kids in a candy story, with access 24/7. Some couples even enjoy watching the occasional movie. And if it’s something both partners like then that’s their choice. But when one partner engages on a regular basis, especially in secret, then there’s a problem. Has he physically had sex with other women?”

  “He said he hasn’t.”

  “Do you believe him?”

  “I want to but I already feel like he’s cheated on me.”

  “Men and women view this subject very differently.” Joanne grabbed my hand, giving it a slight squeeze. “I want you to know this isn’t unrepairable. It takes work from both partners but it’s doable.”

  The time with Joanne left me drained but hopeful. It felt good to confide in someone without fear of judgment. She knew how upset and embarrassed I was that Will never showed, but told me to give him the benefit of the doubt until I heard his reasoning.

  “I forgot.”

>   Will was in the kitchen making himself a sandwich when I got home from the counseling appointment.

  “How could you forget? It was on your calendar. I reminded you for two days. Not to mention the fact that I said, ‘See you at the counselor’s later today’ as you walked out of the house this morning.”

  He stopped making the sandwich and turned to face me. “I swear to god, I’m sorry.” Sincerity filled his eyes. “Dad called me into his office late this afternoon to discuss a big project and the appointment flew out of my head.”

  Will looked genuinely apologetic. A quality I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I was glad Joanne talked me into giving him a chance to explain before I jumped to conclusions and got pissed off. In the end having her all to myself for the hour worked out well.

  “I made another appointment for next week, same day and time.”

  “Okay, I promise I’ll be there. I really am sorry, Bryson.”

  Gee, two sorrys in less than five minutes. That’s a new Will record.

  “You want me to make you a sandwich?” he said.

  I blinked a couple of times, surprised by his offer. Will wasn’t a total dick but he’d never been a very thoughtful person. The simple gesture convinced me there was a light at the end of the tunnel. And we’d get to it . . . together.

  During the next week it felt like the old Will and Bryson had moved back into our house. I tried to put into practice what Joanne suggested by not looking at Will through suspicious eyes. After dinner he didn’t immediately go into his office and one night we even went out to the movies. When the second appointment day came I walked into Joanne’s office with a completely different attitude than I had the week before.

  Will was ten minutes late. As usual work was the excuse of choice with traffic being added on for extra emphasis. But I chose to focus on the positive. He kept his promise and made it to the appointment.

  “It’s nice to have the three us of here,” Joanne said through her ever-present warm smile.

  A loud ding cut through the tranquil office. Without hesitation Will grabbed his phone and read the text. My gaze darted over to him at the other end of the small sofa we were sitting on. A twinge of suspicion mixed with embarrassment hit my stomach. He was totally oblivious as to how rude he was being.