the Dance

by Alison G. Bailey

  He faced me. “I can’t stay long. I came over to find out if you were okay since I didn’t hear back from you yesterday.” His words were teetering between relief, concern, and annoyance.

  “I’m sorry. I should have called you but . . . Will’s in the hospital. I found him yesterday unconscious in the bathroom.”

  Hart’s expression softened as he moved closer to me. “I’m sorry.”

  “Dr. Rudolph feels Will needs to be under hospice care.”

  “What can I do?”

  “Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do.”

  Just then I noticed Hart’s gaze zeroed in on my chest. I still had on Will’s jersey.

  Shit.

  “What’s going on, Bryson?”

  Unable to look at Hart, my gaze darted all around. “I-I-I don’t know. I’ve been so tired and stressed. Nancy let me go yesterday because I fucked up two important events. Then I found Will. I’ve been neglecting you. When we’re together I feel guilty because I think I should be with Will. But when I’m with Will I feel guilty because I should be with you. I don’t know why I slept in his old jersey.”

  I was rambling uncontrollably and couldn’t stop. My nerves were completely shot.

  “Look at me.” Hart commanded.

  I was so ashamed at how I was acting I didn’t listen to him. “Just give me a minute and I’ll go change. I don’t even know why I still have this stupid shirt on.”

  I went to pass Hart when he reached out and grabbed my arm.

  “God dammit, Bryson, I said look at me.” His tone was strong and assertive.

  I looked into steely blue-gray eyes.

  “Stop dumping all this guilt on yourself. Let me help you.”

  I shook my head. “He wants me by his side when he passes.”

  Hart blew out a sharp breath. “Go deal with what you need to deal with.”

  My heart sank as tears pooled in my eyes. Even the best man in the world has a limit.

  “I don’t blame you for pushing me away.” I choked back a sob.

  “Bryson, I’m not pushing you away. I’m letting you go.”

  I didn’t know if I collapsed or Hart tugged me into his lap.

  Cupping my face, Hart brought his lips to mine. He softly kissed each corner of my mouth before placing a firmer kiss in the center of my lips. My arms immediately slid behind his neck and held on tight as my body convulsed in sobs. Hart’s strong arms pulled me flush against his chest. I never wanted to let go.

  After several minutes, Hart peeled my hands away from his body.

  Looking deep into my soul, he said, “I know what it feels like to watch someone you care about die. It’s the most frustrating and helpless feeling in the world. It’s going to happen. You can’t stop it. All you can do is make sure that person knows they mattered. And give them the peace of mind that they won’t be looking at strangers when they take their last breath. They’ll be looking at someone who loved them.”

  My heart ached for him, realizing he was referring to his mother.

  “I’m not in love with him, Hart. Please don’t think it’s anything like that. I’m in love with you.” I couldn’t get the words out fast enough.

  “I know you are. And god help me, I love you so much, Bryson. But you can’t help that you care for Will. Your heart and kind spirit are what makes you, you.”

  “I didn’t realize it would be this difficult. I can’t lose you, Hart.”

  “There are two things in life that I’m absolutely, without a doubt, positive about. One is that I’m mind, body, and soul in love with you. And the other is you’re never going to lose me.” Swiping his thumbs over my cheeks, he wiped away my tears. “Whenever you need a breath, I’m here. You need to focus on one thing. Will needs you right now. Then you and I will continue our forever.”

  Even though I understood why Hart was, in a sense, putting us on pause, it didn’t make the pain any less as I watched him and Colin pull out of my driveway.

  Hart knew exactly how the remainder of Will’s days would play out and what an emotional toll it would take on me. Hart had already lived through the experience with his mother.

  “You didn’t fit into my life back then, Bryson.”

  Hart Mitchell was the very essence of what a real man should be. He was intelligent, strong, confident, caring, generous, kind, and all mine.

  I navigated the car down a winding road lined with large bare Bradford pear trees. Even though the bright green leaves and white blossoms were still months away from appearing on the branches, the entrance was still pretty and impressive. Driving farther onto the property we discovered a large pond to the left surrounded by weeping willow trees and carved wooden benches. The entire grounds had been designed to allow the natural peacefulness to shine. The building had just come into view when Will reached over and touched my elbow.

  “Could you pull over for a second?” His voice was gravelly, each word ending in a breathless whisper.

  There wasn’t much room on the side of the long winding driveway but I managed to pull far enough over not to block another vehicle from passing. I killed the engine. We sat for several minutes in silence. There was no need for me to ask Will why he wanted to pull over. I knew why. Will had accepted his fate but that didn’t mean he had to like it or be in any rush to meet it.

  On discharge from the hospital Dr. Rudolph made arrangements for Will to be transported via ambulance to the hospice house. Will refused, insisting he wanted me to drive him here today. He was holding on to as much normal life as possible while he was still able to grip.

  “I guess this is it,” he said, staring straight ahead, his body tense.

  I didn’t know how to respond. I wasn’t even going to try to imagine what was going through his mind at this moment. A few more minutes of silence passed as we stared at the pale yellow building where he’d be spending his final days.

  “I could turn this baby around and get the hell out of here.” I cringed at my poor attempt at lightening the mood until I heard a chuckle next to me.

  “God, if only doing that would change everything.” More silence. I wasn’t budging until Will gave me the signal. “Have I thanked you today, Bryson?”

  Over the last week Will’s memory had taken a hit. Once his sedation was tapered way back he was alert but then I noticed him asking the same questions or making the same comments. As the week went on his brain had more periods of fuzziness. I asked Dr. Rudolph about it. He looked at me with warm eyes and said, “It’s just part of the process.”

  It was very important to Will that I knew how appreciative he was of me. He was either thanking me for everything or asking me if he had thanked me.

  “Yeah, back at the hospital you thanked me.”

  “Good. I don’t ever want to forget to do that.”

  “Don’t worry. You don’t.”

  A few more minutes passed. I was beginning to think I actually did need to turn the car around and head back to the hospital or our house. Medically Will might be ready for this but it was obvious mentally he wasn’t quite there yet.

  “I realize we need to move this along,” he said.

  “No hurry. I’ll do whatever you want, when you want.”

  “I’m not fooling myself. I know I’m not going to get better. It’s just once I go through those doors, that’s it.”

  There wasn’t one word I could think of that would give him lasting comfort and I wasn’t going to insult him by spouting platitudes. Unless you have walked the same mile, you have no right telling another how to feel, especially at a time like this.

  “Do you remember Herbert Young?” I said.

  “Vaguely.”

  “He was an old man that went to Saint Mary’s. I remember going to midnight mass with Mom, Dad, and Ryan. I think we were juniors at Garrison. Anyway, it was the first time Father Batron asked for everyone to please pray for Herbert Young who was in hospice care. Every Sunday after that, Father would say the same thing, please pray for Herbert
Young who was in hospice care. For two years everyone prayed for Herbert Young who was in hospice care.”

  Out the corner of my eye I saw Will’s shoulders shake with a chuckle. Taking in a deep breath his lungs crackled, straining to suck in the air. As his chest deflated a loose cough burst out of him, followed by another. And another. And another. And another . . .

  Once recovered, he said, “Okay. Let’s do this.”

  Reaching over, I placed my hand on top of his and gave it a slight squeeze before starting the car.

  I pulled the car into the empty parking space that was closest to the entrance. Will and I exchanged brief looks before I got out of the car and pulled his wheelchair from the trunk. Even though it was only a few steps to the entrance, Will’s body wasn’t cooperating much these days. With my assistance, he was able to transfer in and out of the chair but that was about all he could handle before getting worn out.

  Pushing through the main entrance door felt as if we’d just entered a luxury hotel where we were spending the weekend. Other than the sign out front that read Hospice House, you’d never know this was a place where people came to spend their final days. The color scheme was a mix of neutral earth tones—greens, creams, and browns with pops of vibrant bright reds and oranges. A cozy seating area made up of two cream-colored leather sofas and two red high-back chairs sat in front of a wall of floor-to-ceiling windows. A large multicolored floral arrangement sat in the middle of the coffee table.

  The lady at the desk introduced herself as Grace. As she guided Will through the admissions process I could tell why she was the first point of contact here. Just her presence made you feel relaxed. A picture of Hart holding my hand, calming my nerves, flashed across my mind.

  Grace treated Will with dignity and respect. Never speaking to him with a conceding tone or offering a disingenuous smile. After a few forms were signed, Grace escorted Will and I to his room.

  More floor-to-ceiling windows lined one side of the hallway we turned down. They looked out onto a meticulously manicured garden full of a variety of blooming pansies, Gerber daisies, holly berry, and several evergreens. More cozy sitting areas similar to the one spotted on the drive in were scattered around.

  Grace pointed out all the pertinent areas—dining room, lounge, library, and family room complete with play area for children. My chest tightened at the thought of a child visiting their parent here. These rooms were mostly used by the families, but occasionally, a patient having a good day would use them as well. I thought about Hart coming here to see his mother and the tightness in my chest strangled me.

  With each turn we made we moved further into tranquility. It dawned on me as we rounded the final corner before Will’s room. This wasn’t a place where people came to die. It was a place where people came to say goodbye. Before entering his room, I looked down at Will and noticed his shoulders had relaxed. A warmth washed over me knowing the peaceful place had already started doing its job.

  The decor of Will’s room kept in line with the rest of the hospice house. The walls were sage green complimented by dark wood furnishing. The bed was positioned to have maximum view out the large picture window. There was a seating area in the far corner with a red recliner and chocolate-brown sofa. A flat screen TV was housed in an ornate wardrobe against the opposite wall from the bed. The bathroom was large and equipped for wheelchair accessibility. Grace gave us a packet of information, a quick rundown of when meals were served, and which staff member would be with Will tonight. She then left us alone to settle in and absorb the new surroundings.

  “It’s a really nice place, Will.”

  “Yeah.” He agreed as his hollow eyes scanned the room.

  “Will you be okay here for a few minutes while I go grab your suitcase?”

  He nodded slightly. “Bryson, have I thanked you for everything today?”

  Tears threatened behind my eyes. I thought it was hard watching this once strong athletic young man physically wither away but it didn’t compare to witnessing the deterioration of his true self.

  I cleared my throat. “Yeah, you did.”

  Tilting his chin up, Will said, “Good. I don’t ever want to forget to do that.”

  My legs couldn’t get me down the hallway fast enough, taking each turn as quickly as possible. Once I was safely outside and in my car I let the sobs and tears flow. I didn’t want to show my weakness in front of Will. I just needed a minute and a deep breath.

  After pulling myself together somewhat, I picked up my phone. I scrolled to the number and clicked the call icon.

  He picked up before the first ring had a chance to finish. “Hey.” Hart’s rasp warmed every part of my soul.

  I hadn’t seen him since that morning at my house. It was beyond difficult not being around him every day but I understood his motives. I loved him even more for how selfless he was.

  “Hey. Are you busy?” I said.

  “Never too busy for you.”

  I stayed quiet for several minutes in order to steady my voice. I didn’t want it to become a habit that every time we spoke I cried.

  I swallowed hard. “I needed to hear your voice.”

  “I’m glad you called. How are things?”

  “I’m sitting outside of the hospice house right now. It’s a really nice place.” My voice cracked.

  “You can do this, Bryson.”

  “I hope so.”

  “I know so. And if you need me, I’ll be there in a flash.”

  “I miss you.”

  “Good. Prepare yourself because when you’re ready I’m going to be on you for the rest of your life.”

  Warmth spread throughout my body. “Tell me about your day.”

  “Let’s see . . . I had an eighty-eight-year-old great grandmother grope me.”

  I chuckled. “Seriously?”

  “Yep. Slid her hand right up my thigh and gave me a squeeze and a wink. She was so pleased with herself I didn’t have the heart to tell her I couldn’t feel her advances.”

  Laughter flew out of me. “Oh my god! That’s hilarious. I’m thinkin’ I may need to come down there and school some biotches about keeping their hands off my man.”

  “You’re adorable when you’re claiming what belongs to you.”

  The corners of my mouth tugged into a smile. “I love you.”

  “Till the end of time,” he said.

  I always knew Hart’s voice had magical powers. Never was I more convinced than in this moment. In less than five minutes he’d managed to lighten my heart and mood.

  “I guess I better let you get back to work. I need to get Will’s things put away.”

  “I love you, Bryson.”

  “I love you too, Hart.” I choked on a sob.

  “I’m here, Lovely, 24/7/365.”

  I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

  A heavy sigh drifted through the phone before I ended the call.

  I wiped my tear-stained face as best I could, grabbed Will’s suitcase, and headed back inside.

  Social Withdrawal

  Initially, Will was interested in talking with the staff. On day two he actually felt strong enough for me to take him on a mini-tour down the hall to the family room. After that day he never wanted to leave his room. He still interacted with the nurses but by the end of the week even that faded into courteous quietness. Dr. Rudolph came several times. I never thought this was unusual since Will was his patient. Then one day Will’s nurse Tricia asked if we were related to the doctor since he was visiting so much. Will seemed to really enjoy when Dr. Rudolph came by. I had to wonder if this was because he missed his own father.

  Mom, Dad, and Ryan came by one evening. It was awkward on so many levels. For one, all my family knew was Will and I had reconciled after a yearlong separation. I never went into specifics on how we ended up getting back together. I figured the less said the better, especially since it was all a lie. Two, most people are uncomfortable around death and my family w
as no exception. Both Will and I appreciated their effort, though. Even Sophie stopped by and true to her form, she didn’t hold back or wear kid gloves around Will. I think he enjoyed her visit most of all.

  To say I was shocked and appalled by the way the Forsyth family acted would be an understatement. Neither Will’s parents nor his brother made any attempt to contact their son and brother.

  One evening I broached the topic, asking if he wanted me to reach out to them. He was pretty adamant in his response.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to call to at least feel them out?”

  Will was already in bed while I was curled up in the recliner with a blanket tucked under my chin. There was a well-stocked DVD library just down the hall from Will’s room. He surprised me tonight after dinner with the movie. He’d looked up Fried Green Tomatoes online.

  Apparently he didn’t bother reading the description because he thought it was about cooking. When he asked one of the nurses to see if the library had it, he had no idea he was committing himself to a chick flick.

  “I’m positive.”

  I sat up, twisting my body toward him. “I understand where you’re coming from. I just don’t want you to have any regrets because you didn’t tie up any loose ends.”

  I brought up the idea for Will, not for his family’s sake. I wanted him to be at peace with everything.

  Looking over at me, he said, “The only loose end I gave a shit about tying up was with you.” He laid his hand, palm side up, across the bed.

  Reaching over, I slid my hand into his and gave it a slight squeeze. Our gaze locked for several seconds. An unspoken understanding passed between us. Will appreciated what I was trying to do and I knew to let it go.

  Surrender

  Once Will was admitted into hospice care, I spent a total of two nights in my own bed before I began staying overnight with him. Our house was only twenty minutes away but a life could change during that short drive. And if I were being honest, saying goodbye those couple of nights was hard for both of us.

  I was coming out of the bathroom after changing into Hart’s gray long-sleeve T-shirt and my navy blue sweatpants, a.k.a. my pajamas. Will was leaning against the padded headboard watching the late news. Grabbing my blanket and pillow, I curled up on the small sofa. As I was setting the alarm on my phone for the morning, I saw my nightly text from Hart. We made it a point to talk on the phone or text at least once a day. Tonight’s text had a photo attached. My finger hovered over the icon for a few seconds, nervous to see what the photo was of. I didn’t need to be getting all hot for Hart with Will only a few feet away. Finally, I opened up the message and a huge smile crossed my face. The photo was of Hart and Butter attempting a selfie with the text, we miss you and love you. I immediately replied.