by Alexis Anne
I realized too late how my instinct to help was the exact wrong thing to do. Her eyes flared with panic, her breath caught like it was stuck in her lungs, and all the blood drained from her face as she stared up at me.
I really, really hated that look in her eyes. As if she’d never felt safe alone with a man. That look cut me deep and I think it was right then, in that moment, that my crush on Zoe changed into something much more significant.
Permanent. As if she’d been branded onto my soul. Mine to protect from whatever was causing this pain.
I settled my hands loose on her biceps to keep her steady as she swayed. “I am so sorry I put my hand on your car. I would never, ever stop you from leaving. You’re safe with me. I swear it.”
Thank fuck the color began to return to her cheeks. Her eyes wandered back to lock with mine. “You really mean that, don’t you?” she whispered.
The fact that she had to ask that, coupled with the waver in her voice told me a lot about Zoe’s past. Someone—no, some man had hurt her. Picking up and moving to Tampa so suddenly, not dating, this fear . . . there wasn’t a doubt in my mind what was causing it. Not anymore. It made me want to lift her car up and drop it on the first asshole I found. But she probably didn’t want to hear that part.
“Of course I mean it,” I said nice and soft. “The last thing I’d ever want is to upset you.” Men who hurt women were the lowest form of bottom-scraping scum on the planet.
Weak. That’s what my father had taught me and my brothers a long, long time ago. “Strong men need strong women to love. Weak men use women to make themselves feel strong, but they aren’t. It’s just an illusion. Find a strong woman like your mother, love her with everything you have, and you’ll be unbreakable.”
My parents love was so strong that even after he died it held my mom up, gave her the strength to raise eight kids on her own. I wanted that kind of love.
“I’ve been treating you like you’re an asshole,” she muttered, clearly embarrassed.
I couldn’t help myself. I reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear. Soft, feminine, mine. My damn brain wouldn’t stop screaming that word. Mine. As if a woman could ever be mine. It wasn’t like she was a car or a batting glove. She was an independent person with a wildly successful career, legions of fans, and an entire life that had absolutely nothing to do with me. And yet . . . all I wanted to do was cage her in, get lost in those damn green eyes while I kissed her, and beat up any jerks who interrupted the process. “I try very hard to be the opposite of an asshole,” I said instead of any of the other thoughts racing through my big dumb brain.
“I know.” She said it so softly I barely heard her.
I took that as a good sign. Two solid years of striking out with Zoe Burke and now, “I know.” Two very simple words on their own, but coupled with the way she was biting her lower lip and staring up at me like she trusted me? It was like she was telling me a hell of a lot more.
Of course it could just as easily be my mind playing tricks on me because I wanted her so badly. “Do you? I know you’ve avoided me for a long time. I thought it was just because you didn’t like me. But Zoe, if you were ever scared of me for any reason, I apologize.”
Her eyes went round with wonder and then . . . Oh, and then everything changed.
I don’t know what came over her. Hell, I’m not sure she did either.
She looked just as surprised as I felt when she suddenly grabbed me and kissed me.
Hands on my face, soft lips against mine, kissing me.
Everything about her was right from the way she fit against me all the way down to how she made me feel. For those few heartbeats, nothing else mattered.
Not the fact that she’d never shown any interest in me before now.
Not the fact that I’d just ruined her lunch.
I didn’t even entertain the idea that this might be my one and only kiss.
Because for two solid years the only things I’d thought about were my family, my team, and what it would be like to kiss Zoe.
Holy shit I was kissing Zoe.
Did anything else matter anymore? I had enough money to retire. I could quit baseball and spend the rest of my life as Zoe’s professional kisser.
Worth it.
But then she gasped and pulled back, slapping a hand over her mouth. “Oh my god. Oh my god!”
I tried to chase her lips but with her hand in the way a kiss would be real awkward. “Is there a problem, darlin’?”
She shrieked. “I just . . . I just . . . ”
“Kissed the shit out of me?”
She shrieked again and nodded.
“Could you do it again? I was having a real good time before you stopped.”
Her hand dropped away. “You don’t mean that.”
Lucky for her I was used to bossy women telling me what I thought. “I never say anything I don’t mean, Zoe. And kissing you? That’s been the top of my Christmas list for two straight years.”
“No . . . it’s not possible. I’ve been so mean to you.” She shook her head as if that was going to convince me she was right and I was wrong.
Fat chance of that ever happening. “You can be rude, mean, or anything else you want, as long as you kiss me like that again.”
Her eyes bulged but her bright red cheeks and soft little breaths told me she wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to be kissed by her. “Erik, no. It’s not possible.”
“Maybe I should kiss you back to show you how much I mean it.” And now that I said it, I knew I needed to do this. If Marie was right, if Zoe was interested in me even a fraction of—
“Erik, don’t make this more awkward that it already is.”
“Keep saying my name and it’s going to get real awkward real fast.” Every single time she said my name I got a little bit harder.
She blinked. “What?”
Cute. I cocked an eyebrow. “Do I really need to spell out what hearing you say my name over and over does to me? You’re the one who writes about these . . . reactions.”
Her eyes went round again.
Which was really interesting considering she wrote—in explicit detail—exactly what my body wanted right now, and yet she seemed so clueless. As if she’d never actually experienced any of this before.
Maybe she hadn’t.
Which meant I really needed to kiss her now.
“Me?” she whispered.
“You.” I leaned in a little closer. Not too much to be intimidating, but I needed to close this gap, needed her to feel this electricity that jumped from me to her. “Just you.”
Her lips formed the sexiest little oh.
I needed her. Now. “Zoe, tell me to kiss you.”
A million questions flew through her eyes but she didn’t ask any of them. Instead she stared at me. And then the words I wanted to hear whispered off her lips. “Kiss me, Erik.”
Three soft, vulnerable words. This kiss had to be just right because it was the only chance I’d get. I stepped into her while at the same time sliding my hand against her cheek and around to cup the back of her head. Every move was slow and deliberate, showing her that I wanted this and that she had the power to say no at any point. The only way this would ever work is if she felt safe with me.
She watched as I sank down until our lips met. At first it was just a straight up jolt to my system but then this warm electric sizzle replaced that. She tasted salty and sweet at the same time. Probably the soy sauce lingering from lunch. She whimpered, her hands gripping me hard, pulling me closer.
Wanting.
Yes . . .
The amount of pride that surged up inside me was probably on the ridiculous side for a kiss, but this was huge. Monumental even. I was kissing Zoe Burke and she was enjoying it.
I let out my own groan of pleasure so Zoe could hear it. God, how I wanted her to understand how much I wanted her. I was so sick and tired of pretending that I was okay with distant friendship.
I wasn’t okay.
>
And now that I had this little window into the secret life of Zoe Burke, I wanted it all. Her trust, her body, her mind, her secrets . . . all of it.
As much as I hated it right now, that had to start with restraint.
Mine, to be exact. It took everything I had to end that kiss. Pulling away from her lips, knowing I might not get to taste them again for a while, it sucked. It sucked so much I couldn’t do it. I went back in for one last kiss.
Okay two.
Maybe three.
It wasn’t just my fault though. She kept kissing me back with this sexy little whimper each time I tried to stop.
“God, Zoe. I’m losing my mind right now,” I groaned against her lips.
“Yes,” she whispered.
I had to stop. I had to be the sane one. I had . . . to have one more kiss. I pulled her against me so that I was touching her everywhere with my arms wrapped all the way around her for one last deep, full body kiss. Then I pressed my forehead against hers, holding her face in my hands while we both caught our breath. This is just the beginning. Just the beginning.
I had to believe that or I’d never let her go.
And I had to let her go.
“Zoe?” I waited while she opened her eyes. “I know you’re not ready yet, but when you are, I want you. I want to know everything about you. ”
4
Zoe
The Male Dating Pool is Made Up of Turds
“I want you Jessica. When you’re ready, I’ll be here.”
I slammed my laptop shut and groaned. I was doing it again . . . somehow my characters kept managing to get themselves alone and say words that sounded eerily like the last words Erik said to me before he tucked me into my car and sent me on my way.
It was as if I was using my characters to analyze what happened.
Okay, that’s exactly what I was doing.
I still didn’t believe any of it was real. It was too crazy, right? There is no way I actually kissed Erik Cassidy and he most definitely didn’t enjoy it, ask for more, kiss the crap out of me, and then say incredibly romantic things.
Nope.
It was all a figment of my imagination.
And yet here I was nearly a week later. With my trilogy done and off to my editor, I was free to work on my next romance. A romance that kept coming back to this scene between my heroine, Jessica, and my reluctant hero, Ryan. The book was all outlined and ready to go. Normally I loved getting lost in these books. They were my escape—fun to write and filled with all the messy things I kept out of my real life.
Except Ryan kept transforming into Erik and I kept replacing Jessica, and suddenly I wasn’t writing a book anymore. I was detailing my real life.
I kissed Erik. What the hell had I been thinking?
You’re safe with me. I promise.
He meant it, too. Every single word. That man couldn’t lie if he had to. He wasn’t built that way. Erik was serious and straightforward. If I knew anything about him, I knew that much.
And then he made me feel so safe when I was freaking out—a freak-out that still freaked me out. What was that anyway? It had been nearly three years since I left Tony. He was a non-factor in my new life and Erik wasn’t like him in any way. It was just that look he gave me at lunch, right after asking me to come sit in the family section. I panicked. It was so similar to the way Tony would zero in on me—something I craved when we first got together, but later learned was the worst kind of love.
I ran because that’s what I do when I panic.
I hadn’t expected Erik to follow.
“Hey Zo, how’s the writing going today?” June asked as she popped her head in my open door.
I realized I was sitting in front of a closed laptop and that might look a little strange to her. “I’m mad at my characters so I was just taking a break.” Then I realized how tired she looked. “Are you okay?”
She sighed dramatically, wandering across my room to throw herself down on my bed. “I have three words for you. Bench. Clearing. Brawl.”
“Oh snap. Is everyone okay?”
“Yes,” she groaned. “Wes has a black eye. Kaine might have a bruised rib. It was nuts, Zoe. I haven’t seen a brawl like that in forever.”
“What happened?” I hadn’t been to a game, or watched a game, or read an update on the games, in the last week. I was deep in Erik-denial.
“The rivalry with The Waves just went next level.”
The two teams had once been on good terms but this season things took a turn for the worse. Everyone had been happy for Wes’s trade to the Mantas until the Waves picked up Makai Hudson. He and Wes were pretty much mortal enemies, going all the way back to their college days. The bad blood started flowing pretty quickly.
“Who started it?”
“Makai. Dude kept mouthing off to Wes when he was batting. He kept his cool until the fifth, then he started mouthing back. Wes tagged him out in the seventh and Makai pushed him. Two seconds later both benches were clear and everyone was punching everyone.”
I found it strangely comforting how passionately teams defended each other. “Sounds like you had a busy day patching people up.”
“It wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been, but yes. I’m tired.”
How’s Erik? It was on the tip of my tongue. “You should go shower and get some rest. We can call Taco Taxi for dinner.”
“Oh yes!” She rubbed her belly. “Roman’s flight gets in late so we don’t have to worry about him.”
And once again I was glad I moved downstairs. Living across the hall from newlyweds was too much, even for me, the writer of hot romances. I wasn’t squeamish about sex (as long as it wasn’t my sex life) but hearing two people I saw every day in their most vulnerable moments was crossing a line. I offered to move out so they could have the house to themselves but they both insisted I stay. They traveled so much that it worked out really well most of the time. Sometimes I was alone, sometimes I kept June company, sometimes we were all here together. It wasn’t weird. We were just this big happy family that also happened to include Carrie and Wes.
So now I lived downstairs next to my favorite room in the house: the library. It was win-win for everyone, really.
“Erik asked about you.”
That pulled me right out of my thoughts. “What did he ask?”
She sat up and smiled. “Oh, you know. How you were, if you were doing okay . . . nosy things that guys ask when they’re really interested in a girl but can’t come right out and ask the things they really want to ask.”
When he said he was going to give me space, he meant it. Aside from a couple of funny Facebook messages and a big congratulations post when my movie deal was announced, he hadn’t pushed his way into my life at all.
Well, other than to reiterate that our lunch had been the highlight of his year and he hoped to see me again soon.
Oh my god.
“What did you tell him?” Darn it. That sounded way too much like I cared.
Which of course only confirmed what June already suspected. She grinned from ear to ear. “Has something happened between you two that I don’t know about?”
I blushed crimson.
“Zoe! This is wonderful! Tell me everything.” She scooted right to the edge of the bed and sank her chin into her hands.
Wonderful? I had a hard time believing that. While I had gotten an intimate life lesson from Jake, Greg, Wes, and Roman that there were actually guys out there that were both sexy and sweet, it was much easier for me to believe they came in limited supply. As in, so limited that they were it. All the rest of the male dating pool was made up of turds.
Which of course meant that I could go on believing there was no good man out there for me.
Which of course meant I never had to worry about the complications of dating.
“It’s not that big of a deal, June. We ran into each other at lunch one day. That’s all.”
Yeah, she didn’t believe me. Her eyebrow cocked up and
her eyes narrowed. “And yet, you’re blushing. So either nothing happened except you have the hots for him, or something happened and you’re not telling me.”
“Why do you care?” Wrong thing to say.
She sat straight up. “I love you, Zoe. After everything that’s happened in the last couple of years you’re basically my third sister. I care a whole lot.”
Surviving catastrophic hurricanes and raising children bonded people together. I knew that. And I knew that my relationship with June was special, but instead of acknowledging it, I tended to barely think about it. As if it were temporary and at any moment they’d move on with their lives without me. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you and I had a deal. We only spoke in hypotheticals. We never told anyone the real truth about the guys we loved. And then Roman came back and I had to tell someone.”
She told me. “And I appreciated that you trusted me so much.”
She lifted her shoulders a little. “At some point you have to stop running and face the fact that you can’t live your life alone. You need friends and family. We’re your family, Zoe, and we’re not going anywhere. You know everything about me.”
Sometimes I knew too much about her, thus the moving downstairs.
“I kissed him.” I could barely meet her eyes after admitting that. It was like unzipping my skin and letting someone with a baseball bat have a whack at my insides. “I kissed him totally out of the blue. And I liked it. And I think he liked it because he kissed me back . . . a lot.”
She grinned. No actually, she beamed. “He’s liked you for a long time.”
I really wasn’t sure what I thought of that. Part of me was thrilled that he was so patient with his interest, but part of me was totally confused. Why wait around unless he had a thing for the unattainable? The very last thing I wanted was to be another man’s prize.
“It was just a kiss,” I said, sounding about as lame as possible.
“You don’t exactly go around kissing a lot of men.”
Nope. Just the one. “I make people kiss in my books every day.”
