by Ruby Rowe
She’s a pretty woman who seems too young-looking to have hair as white as snow. Her eyebrows are thick and dark, which leads me to believe her hair was once the same. I wonder if she thought the white looked better than being peppered with grey.
After giving me a reassuring smile, she dives into questions about my family dynamics. I keep it superficial, only telling her my parents died of overdoses and how I have a sister and a nephew.
I also fib and say that I moved out with my sister once I was eighteen. Maybe it’s safe to tell her the truth, but I don’t want to.
“Is that everything you’d like to tell me about your family?”
“Yes. I don’t see anyone else I’m related to.”
“Do you mind telling me who the gentleman is in the lobby?”
“That’s my boyfriend. I live with him. He’s amazing and takes good care of me.” A genuine smile unearths itself as the happiness I feel when I speak of him nourishes it. Katherine must notice from my expression since she’s grinning back at me.
“What brought you here today, Sasha? Oh, wait. First, let me say that we’ll only discuss what you’re comfortable with and only when you’re ready.
“I’ll encourage you to open up, but ultimately, what you share is up to you. I want you to know this is a safe place to speak freely.”
“OK. Um …” I look at the artwork again and think about how Greyson’s eyes match the color of the ocean in the painting. “I recently got clean from drugs.
“I mainly used marijuana and cocaine, but in the end, I was shooting up heroine. Greyson paid for me to go to rehab. He’s a cousin to my sister’s fiancé. I also go to NA meetings every week.”
“It’s good to hear you’re clean and going to meetings.” She scribbles fast on the paper in her lap. “Are you here regarding your addiction?”
“I guess that’s one reason, but mainly I’m here because of what led to my addiction.”
“And what is that?”
My chest constricts, so I take a taxing breath and glance to the only window in the room. “I was abused while growing up.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. What age were you when the abuse began?”
“That’s blurry depending on what type of abuse. I’m not ready to talk about it. I only agreed to counseling because I love Greyson, and it was important to him. He doesn’t trust that I’m OK to move forward with a, um, sexual relationship.”
“Do you feel you’re ready?”
“Yes. I trust him, and I believe if we have a sexual relationship from a place of love, it will help me heal. It’ll replace the bad experiences and memories.”
“Have you discussed this with him?”
“Yes, but he said he wanted to wait until I had a session or two to ensure I’ll be comfortable having sex.”
“I don’t feel there’s a way to determine that this early. You could think it’ll be fine, but then the act might stir up negative emotions and memories. Or, it could be a beautiful experience like you’re hoping.
“In my professional experience, the past has a way of poking and nudging us until we can’t shove down the trauma we’ve suffered any longer. If a person manages to, then they often have patterns of self-destructive behavior and have trouble engaging in healthy relationships.”
I stare out the window again and spot Greyson’s expensive ride.
“I’ve definitely engaged in self-destructive behavior and unhealthy relationships. Until I met Greyson, it was all I’d known.”
I look back at her and smile. “Everything’s different with him. I work now and have ambition. A part of me even believes I’ll accomplish some of my goals.
“There’s no doubt I’m a work in progress, but he’s helping me change for the better. I’d become so depressed and defeated that I was lazy and didn’t even care about my appearance or grooming. I didn’t know I had potential, even though Camilla had told me time and time again.
“I guess I needed someone who didn’t know me to tell me that. It seemed more truthful coming from a person who didn’t already love me or felt obligated to.”
She smiles warmly, which she’s done many times since I met her.
“You’re insightful. That’s a wonderful quality to possess.”
“I guess Greyson’s helped me with that, too.”
“Maybe you’ve always been insightful but avoided examining yourself and your life for fear of what pain it could bring to the surface.”
“Maybe.”
Katherine glances to her ticking clock on the wall.
“Our time is up today, but it’s been lovely talking to you.” Walking over to her desk, she picks up a planner. “Unfortunately, I’m going to be on vacation next week, so it will be two weeks before I can see you. Will this day and time work for you then?”
“Sure.” A part of me is relieved by her words, and another part of me is panicked. I need this process to happen fast if I ever want to be closer to Greyson.
What if he gets tired of waiting for sex? What if another woman catches his eye? Especially one with less baggage.
“Here is my card,” she says as she walks over to me. “I handle my own appointments, so you can call this number and leave a voicemail if you ever need to change a session.
“Also, I’d like to recommend this book to you. I wrote the name of it on the back of my card. It’s a workbook on cognitive therapy. This type of therapy helps in changing your negative thoughts to more positive, useful beliefs.
“When you’ve suffered abuse, have anxiety or have been depressed for some time, it’s common to have distorted thoughts about yourself, relationships, and life in general. This workbook is great in helping you challenge your negative beliefs.”
I read the card. “Greyson will so want to buy me this book. He’s all about positive thinking and is determined to increase my self-esteem. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Let me show you to the lobby.” I stand and follow her out of her office and down the hallway that doesn’t seem scary this direction.
The second I exit, Greyson is on his feet. He stares at me intently, and once I smile at him, I watch his chest sink from his heavy exhale.
“I’ll see you soon,” Katherine says.
I turn back to her. “Yes, thank you.” Walking over to Greyson, I snicker. “I think along with holding your bladder, you were holding your breath.”
He blushes. “Only a few times. I was worried about you. Are you OK?”
“I am. It went better than I expected, but she’s on vacation next week, so it’ll be two weeks before I can see her again.”
Greyson frowns. “Oh, well, that’s a bummer.” I poke his stomach.
“Good thing you bought me a rabbit.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” I see his wheels turning, along with a little disappointment in his eyes, before he slips an arm around my waist and walks us to the glass doors that lead outside into the setting Colorado sun.
It feels like a comforting blanket on my skin, and I take a deep breath, feeling like it’s safe to now. That wasn’t so terrible, but not having sex with Greyson for two more weeks will be. I have to change that. He has to cave.
CHAPTER NINE
Greyson
“Camilla called to invite us over for dinner. I told her I’d ask you, but I don’t want you to feel pressured into going,” I say to Sasha as we leave the therapist’s office in the Rolls-Royce.
“I’d like to. I imagine she’s curious about my appointment.”
I want to ask her about her appointment, too. I’ve been to therapy, and my mood wasn’t this great afterward. She seems too chipper, but I don’t say anything.
I need to be patient and let her open up when she feels ready. It totally sucks she can’t go back for two weeks. I’m tired of feeling like a horny teenager.
“Greyson, you can talk to me. I know you’re dying to ask me questions.”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I should.”
“Well, I’m giving you
permission.”
I glance over at her to see if she’s smiling. She’s so damn beautiful, especially when she’s happy.
“OK. Do you think you’ll feel comfortable opening up to her?”
“Yes. Her name’s Katherine. She was a little formal but nice.”
“That’s good. Did you talk about anything private today?”
“Not really. She mainly wanted my history.”
“So, you didn’t talk about your past?”
“I told her I’ve been abused, but I didn’t give her the details. I wasn’t ready to, but after talking to her the rest of the time, I felt more relaxed, and I think it’ll be easier to open up to her on my next visit.”
Taking hold of Sasha’s hand in her lap, I squeeze it.
“That’s great news. I’m proud of you for having the courage to go. It’s a bitch to walk through those doors.”
“It was hard for you?”
I give her a puzzled look. “Why wouldn’t it have been hard for me?”
Shrugging, she stares out the passenger window.
“Sasha, talk to me.”
“You have it so together. I can’t picture you that way, struggling with drugs or feeling depressed. I know you were down and angry over Whitney, but that was an external problem.”
“You have it all wrong. The deal with Whitney was because of my issues. If I’d been stronger, I would’ve told my family to shove it over that deal years ago.
“I didn’t have the courage, and I think because of my drug use, I didn’t believe I deserved happiness. Meeting you changed that. You trusted me, and I was being a hypocrite, telling you to be stronger and take chances. You were brave, doing everything I said, and I was being a fucking coward.”
“You’re not a coward. The Whitney roadmap was the only direction you’d ever traveled. Even if change is for the best, it’s still hard. We’re creatures of habit.”
Bringing up our laced hands, I kiss hers.
“Watching you leave my penthouse the night Whitney ambushed you was one of the hardest days of my life. I can’t believe you gave me another chance.”
“Who was I to judge? Besides, I already loved you. I couldn’t say no.”
“I loved you, too. It’s why I couldn’t say yes to someone else.”
I park in Ellis and Camilla’s driveway, and my heart thuds while my stomach feels all kinds of weird. Sasha makes me lovesick, but I don’t mind.
“Sasha, hi,” Camilla says after opening the door for us.
“Hi.”
“Auntie Sasha,” Liam says before he runs to her, barely stopping at her feet. He holds up a toy train. “Come wif me to my room. You can see my big train twack.”
“OK, let’s go.” Sasha walks with Liam through the hall, and Camilla bites her nail while staring at me.
“How is she?” Her long hair’s back in a ponytail, and she has no makeup on. She looks tired and nervous.
“She’s good. I was surprised at how happy she seemed when she came out of her session.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, she said she liked the lady, but she also said she didn’t tell her much, so maybe that’s why she wasn’t upset.”
“Yeah, that’s probably the reason.” Camilla looks at the floor as she continues to bite her nail, so I bump her forearm.
“Are you OK today?”
“I’m not feeling all that great. The nausea’s easing up, but this pregnancy’s different for some reason. I’ve also been worried about Sasha and what therapy could do to her. I hope it leads to only positive results.”
“I’ll be there for her, so you’ll be the first to hear if there’s a problem.”
Tilting her head to the side, she smiles. “I know, and I’m so thankful she has you.”
“I am pretty damn amazing.” I flash her a grin to lighten the mood. She’s stressed out and might need counseling, too, but don’t we all?
Sasha
I’ve been playing with Liam for thirty minutes when Camilla walks into his room.
“Dinner’s ready. Liam, let’s get you washed up.”
“Sasha has to wash her hands, too,” he says.
I snicker. “Yep, I better wash mine, too.” All three of us go into his bathroom, and I watch as he pumps way too much liquid soap into his hands.
“How did your appointment go?” Camilla asks.
“Better than I thought it would. The lady’s nice.”
“Do you think you’ll be able to open up to her?”
“Over time.”
“That’s good.”
I look at her reflection in the mirror and eye the worry creases on her forehead.
“Don’t worry about me, OK? You can’t afford to get stressed out right now with the baby.”
“Shhh…”
“Oh, right, sorry. I forgot he doesn’t know.”
“We want to get past the first trimester before we tell him. We’re almost there.”
“I’m excited.”
“So are we.”
“Your tuw–turn, Sasha,” Liam says as he jumps off his stool with water dripping from his hands.
“Not so fast. You have to dry them,” my sister says before she swipes the hand towel off the rack and dries his hands with it.
“Let’s eat, and then Geyson can play with my twain set.”
“Dang, the kid’s smart. He knew not to bring us both upstairs at once.”
“Yes, he inherited that skill from Ellis. The two of them sure know how to think ahead to get what they want.” We laugh as I follow her and Liam out of the room.
We’re becoming a big, happy family, and it’s nice to have people in our lives we can count on and tell our secrets to. After all the years we’ve struggled in the darkness, I can finally see the light.
***
My sister whispers something to Ellis at dinner as we finish eating. He nods at her and squeezes her hand on the table.
“I’m sorry, guys, but I need to head to bed. I’m not feeling well,” Camilla says as she stands up.
“OK, I hope you feel better tomorrow,” I say before I stand, too, to give her a hug.
“Same here, Camilla,” Greyson adds.
“Is Boss-Daddy putting me to bed?”
“Yes, Daddy will read you a story and tuck you in.” Cammy kisses the top of Liam’s head before she walks out of the dining room.
“Geyson, want to see my twain set now?” He pushes his little pair of glasses up his nose.
“Uh, sure. I haven’t played with toys in about twenty-five years, but surely it’s the same as riding a bike.”
Liam cocks an eyebrow and smiles. “It’s not like wi … riding a bike, silly. It’s a twain. You make it go around the track.”
We all laugh at Liam’s adorableness. Scrambling to get down from his chair, he runs around the table and takes Greyson’s hand so he can pull him upstairs. Once the room’s quiet, I realize I’m alone with Ellis. Shit.
“Dinner was good,” I say. “Irene sure knows how to cook. Theresa does, too. I don’t know how, but you and Greyson both have the sweetest housekeepers.”
“I haven’t met Theresa, but I can’t imagine having someone better than Irene.” He takes a drink of his tea. “I’m glad we have a minute alone. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something. Camilla and I discussed it, and we want to pay for your college tuition.”
“I can’t let you do that. It’s so much money.”
“I owe it to you. You’re the reason Camilla’s alive, and having our baby, and who knows what Christopher would’ve done to Liam. I need to do this.”
“Although I’m extremely grateful, I can’t accept it. Greyson won’t let me pay any of the bills, so I’ve decided I’m at least going to pay for my tuition.
“Between you and me, I hope Greyson and I stay together forever, but if that’s not the case, I don’t want him to have paid for my career.
“I’ll use my paychecks from this summer to cover the first semester, and I’ll
work part-time while I go to school.” Ellis chuckles, so I ask, “What’s so funny?”
“If you think for a second that Greyson’s going to accept you attending college and working at the same time, you don’t know him.”
“Greyson’s all about working. I think he’ll respect my decision.”
“No, not while you’re in college. Your focus should be on making good grades. That’s how we were raised.”
“I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but I can’t allow you to pay for my tuition. If you haven’t figured it out yet, Camilla and I don’t need much.
“This new life we’ve been given is like a fairytale, but it’s not what matters to us. Do you know what I’m most grateful for by being with Greyson, aside from him?”
“What’s that?”
“Food. I’m having a secret love affair with his stocked pantry. Shh…”–I hold a finger to my mouth–“don’t tell him.” I laugh, but Ellis frowns. “It’s the necessities and little things that mean the most to Camilla and me.
“If you ever want to do something special for my sister, pick something that doesn’t cost anything. That’ll really make her happy.”
CHAPTER TEN
Greyson
“I’m taking another long shower,” Sasha says. I turn back to look at her, and she’s standing at the entrance of the hallway where it meets the spacious, open living room I’m relaxing in.
She’s peeking around the corner, and one of her sexy legs is also exposed as she balances her foot on top of the other one.
A mischievous smile plays on her enticing, plump lips, and I want to lay her over my lap and spank her fine ass for toying with me.
“You’re not using it in there, right?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
I hold my hand up and turn back to face the television.
“No, don’t tell me. I’m going to keep thinking the answer is no.” I try to focus on the news I’m watching, but even imagining her stripping down to bathe makes me groan in frustration.
She giggles, and once I hear the bathroom door shut, I march to the spare bedroom and nose around. I open the top drawer of the nightstand, but I don’t spot the Rabbit.
