by Ruby Rowe
He cradles my cheek with his hand. “God, I love you. You think I’m only helping you, but you’re opening my eyes, too. Like the way you thought to make those bags for the homeless. With all the money I have, I could’ve been doing that for years now, and I never thought to.”
I grin as the idea of knowing I could make him better, too, elates me.
“After work, we’re buying you a puppy, and we’ll even get a rabbit, too.”
I shake my head. “No, I realized the last couple of days, and especially after seeing Hercules–I mean Snowflake, in the yard at Ellis’s, that our dog should have space to run and play. This penthouse wasn’t designed with pets in mind.”
“Are you sure? I feel like shit over what happened.”
“Yes. We’ll get a puppy one day … maybe.”
“One day for sure. I’m buying you a huge house with an amazing backyard, and then, we’re getting us a dog.”
I grin as my heart heals and my trust in him grows. Things are OK after all.
Camilla
I’ve just finished dressing when Ellis walks into our bedroom.
“The speech therapist is working with Liam in the study,” he says, “and Emma is in there, too, so she can learn how to help him and when it’s acceptable to correct him.”
“OK, I’ll check on them before I leave,” I say as I sit on the side of the bed to put on my shoes.
“I’m heading out to run an errand for work.”
I don’t reply. I should, but I’m frustrated that I’m running late for my internship after throwing up this morning. I’m so ready for that to stop. I’m also aggravated at Ellis for not telling me he gave Rusty money.
Sighing, he sits next to me. “I know you’re mad at me for a lot of reasons, but I’m still learning how to be in a relationship. I only kept Rusty a secret because I thought I was protecting you, but you’re strong enough to handle it, and I knew that, so I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.”
After getting my second shoe on, I sit up and look at him.
“Both of us kept secrets in the beginning, but we agreed we wouldn’t do it again, so it stops here. Understood?”
“Secrets for good surprises are OK, though, right?”
He’s incorrigible. “I guess for that reason they’re OK.”
He beams at me. “Great, I have to go now, and thank you for forgiving me.”
“You’re impossible not to forgive. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” He practically bounces from the room, and I need some of whatever put a pep in his step this morning.
***
I nibble on saltine crackers on the way to the food pantry. Once I’m parked and pick up my purse, I grab my bottle of ginger ale and stroll toward the door.
I’m tired today. Carrying three babies feels nothing like carrying one, and I’m a little older, too.
I’m fearful of managing it all, but Ellis is right; I’m strong, and I’ve handled a lot in my life. We can do this, and I’ll be relieved once we’re married.
I ring the buzzer at the back door of the brick building, and soon a worker lets me inside. Like a lot of the volunteers, Marsha’s retired and in her sixties.
“Good morning, Camilla. How are you today?”
“I’m OK. How are you?”
“Great.” I haven’t told anyone besides our family that I’m expecting. I worry the director will feel it’s too physically strenuous for me, and I don’t want to find another assignment for school. I love helping here, but I do wonder how long I can lift boxes and stock shelves.
“Someone’s waiting for you inside the pantry,” she says, grinning. Shit, did Ellis’s mother tell the director I’m pregnant? She’s so excited about the babies that I wouldn’t put it past her.
As I stroll down the hallway to the main room where those in need pick out their food items, I grow anxious, wondering what to expect. My stomach is churning, so I take a drink of my ginger ale. Hearing a recognizable laugh, I come to a stop and listen.
No way. I walk again, much faster this time, eager to see if it’s who I think it is, and walking into the room, I freeze. Ellis is standing at a table where we bag leftover baked goods from a local bakery.
He’s cracking jokes with three of the older male volunteers as he puts bagels in a clear bag. He’s in jeans and a navy t-shirt, tennis shoes even. Which planet’s alien took over my fiancé’s body?
As if he senses my presence, he glances to the door and gives me an unsure smile. I nod my head for him to come to me, so he walks over and rubs my arms.
“Care to explain?”
“This is one of those good surprises, so you can’t get mad.”
“OK. What are you doing here?”
“I’m going to help at the pantry until you’re finished with your internship. I won’t get in your way. I just want to do all the heavy lifting for you.”
I swallow the instantaneous emotions welling up in my chest. They’re warming my heart like toasty mittens over cold hands.
“Ellis…” It’s all I can say as tears coat my eyes.
“Shit, don’t cry. Did I screw up again?”
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I press my cheek against his chest.
“No, you didn’t screw up. It’s the most special thing you’ve done for me since we met.”
“It is?”
I lean back and look up at him. “Yes. I love that you’re here. It’s something we can do together, and I won’t have to find another assignment. I’m so happy right now.”
He grins like he never has before, the smile reaching his alluring blue eyes.
“Wow,” I add. “You’ve given your mother four grandchildren, you’re doing charity work, and we’re letting her host birthday parties and a wedding. All this excitement’s going to give Estella a heart attack.”
“I never thought about that. I’m finally going to be in her good graces.”
“Thank you again, Ellis. This leaves me ecstatic.”
“I’m only going to work part-time, too, until the kids are older. Our family’s more important.”
“I think you deserve a reward soon, Mr. Burke.”
He winks, and his handsomeness makes my heart flutter.
“I agree, but it’ll have to wait. Joe and Harvey are showing me the ropes today.”
I shake my head. “You never cease to surprise me.”
“Only for you, my Rose. Only for you...”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Sasha
Like he did the first time we waited at therapy, Greyson holds my hand as if he’ll never let it go. Since my last session went so well, I feel better about this one.
“Hey, look at me,” I say.
“Yeah, is everything OK?”
“Sweetie, relax. I’m good. I wanted to tell you not to worry so much while I’m back there. Work on your phone or something to take your mind off it.” I giggle. “And if you need to go pee, go pee. Don’t wet your pants trying to stay in your chair.”
Grinning, he kisses my cheek. “I went right before we left the office, so I’m good.” The door opens, and the same patient who was here two weeks ago exits, but there’s no man waiting for her this time. They exchange a few words before Katherine smiles at me.
“Sasha, are you ready?”
“Yep.” Giving Greyson’s hand one last squeeze, I smile at him and get up. We’ve grown much closer in the last week since our talk over the puppy fiasco. We’ve had sex every day and sometimes more than once.
We did it in his office and even in his car in the parking garage below the penthouse, all because we were too turned on to wait. We’re insatiable and don’t need a rabbit. We’re doing it like we are rabbits.
As I approach the door, Katherine gives me another warm smile, and it brings me back to the present. I walk ahead of her and into her office, but I wait to sit down until she’s inside and motioning toward the chairs.
“Have a seat.” Once she picks my chart up off her desk, she sits in her comfy floral ch
air across from me. “How are you today?”
“I’m good. Did you have a nice vacation?” I cross my legs since I’m still in my pink skirt I wore to work.
“I did, thank you. I celebrated the 4th of July in San Francisco with my brother and his family.”
“That’s nice. I’ve never been farther west.”
“Did you have a pleasant holiday?”
Recalling what happened with Rusty, I stiffen.
“Not really. My ex-boyfriend caused trouble for my family and me.”
“Would you like to talk about it?”
I look at her painting on the wall over her desk. It’s the one of the ocean and the chairs in the sand.
“My ex Rusty is bad news. He does drugs and doesn’t have a conscience. He’ll fight, steal, blackmail, and I believe he would’ve kidnapped me and held me for ransom last week if he could’ve pulled it off, but Greyson and his cousin stopped him. Rusty’s in jail, but I worry he’ll get out.”
“Wow, that’s eventful, and I’m sorry.”
“He’s the one who encouraged me to shoot up heroine, and I hadn’t done that in years.”
“So, you used needles when you were younger?”
I uncross my legs, and noticing the tremor in my hands, I tuck them under my thighs at my sides.
“I didn’t do it; other people did it to me.” Katherine doesn’t respond. With a fading smile, she stares at me. I guess she’s giving me time to process, or maybe she doesn’t know what to say. Pushing back a strand of her white hair, which reminds me of Snowflake’s, she glances down at my chart.
“At our first session, you mentioned that you were abused. Is this part of the abuse you were referring to?”
“My parents hit me throughout my childhood, so I suffered some physical abuse, but that was tolerable compared to what happened when they would send me away.”
She gives me a curious look. “Where would they send you?”
“To their drug dealer’s home.” I avert my gaze, but I can’t get lost in the beautiful painting for safety. I don’t feel I deserve to.
My tears rush to the surface, and I remove my hands from beneath my thighs and wrap them around my waist.
“Sasha, let me remind you that we’ll do this at your pace. Only tell me what you’re comfortable sharing.”
“I’ve never told anyone about my past besides my sister, but after my first session with you, Greyson and I made progress. We’re closer, and I believe it’s partly because I came here. It made me stronger, and it was good for him to see that, so as hard as this is, I need to do it.”
She gives me a knowing smile, seeming to have pieced the puzzle together, and I’m glad she did that on her own. I don’t want to tell her how earth-shattering sex is with Greyson.
“Back to your parents… Why would they leave you with their drug dealer?”
“My mom and dad were addicts, too, and they reached a point where they couldn’t afford their drugs, so when I was twelve, they started having me go with their dealer for a few days at a time.”
I suck in a breath to delay my tears and to find the courage to say the truth; I was their currency, the payment for their drugs.
“They loaned me out to pay off their debts and to cover their next score. Maybe he would’ve killed us if they hadn’t. I want to believe that’s why they agreed to it.”
“Did this man abuse you?” Biting my lip, I nod and feel the first tears fall to my cheeks. “I imagine having to go with him was very scary and traumatic for you.”
Nodding again, I cover my face in shame as I wonder what vile images she’s imagining. “There are tissues to your left. If all else you do today is cry, that’s OK.”
Coughing, I reach for the Kleenex. I wipe my eyes and then grab another tissue to blow my nose. I think of Greyson waiting in the lobby, worrying about me, and I manage to regain my composure.
“Camilla would’ve helped me, but I didn’t know how to tell her for the longest time.”
Katherine looks down at my file.
“Camilla’s your sister. Do you mind telling me about her?”
“Along with being a supportive sibling, she’s an amazing mother. She was the angel who rescued me from hell. I can always count on her, and she sacrificed so much to provide for me all these years.
“I’d die for her since I know she would do the same for me. Actually, I did almost die for her. I was shot recently while trying to save her life.”
“Shot? As in by a gun?” Her bulging eyes and mouth agape make me smile for some strange reason.
“Yes. A man was obsessed with my sister and her fiancé’s family.” I shake my head. “It’s a long, complicated story, but basically, he tried to kidnap my nephew and was going to kill my sister, so I jumped in front of her to take the bullet. The man will be in prison for years.”
“That’s quite a traumatic experience. I imagine it has shaken you, too.”
“I thought I was handling it OK, but I dreamed about it the night before our first session. In my dream, he was about to pull the trigger, and I started screaming at him not to do it. The day it really happened, he didn’t know I was there, but I’d never been more scared in my life.”
“Would you say it was scarier than when you were sent away by your parents?” I’d never considered how one was worse than the other.
“Knowing I could lose my sister and nephew was scarier. I can’t imagine a life without them, but also, I was sober the day I was shot. I felt every bit of the fear and anguish, whereas when I went to the drug dealer’s home, Alonso’s, I knew I wouldn’t feel pain until the end. Only numbness, humiliation and shame.”
I sense the monster behind me once again, but this time, it’s as if his arms are stretched around me, pulling me back against his chest and squeezing me until I can’t breathe.
If there were a mirror before me, I’d see him there, his smugness and mockery. Every second I battle to breathe, the lobby where Greyson waits seems farther and farther away. The monster of humiliation and shame is dragging me. He’s pulling me back into the pit.
“Alonso would drug me once I arrived, and then he and his friends would sexually assault me. They wouldn’t feed me for two or three days, and I would only get sips of water. I was just”–the tears trail down my cheeks–“there.”
Twisting into a thousand knots, my gut betrays me, the pains stabbing in strength. Imaginary rope wraps around it, frayed and tight, and my lunch comes up for me to swallow back down.
No matter the pain my words create, I can’t stop them from coming out. “At best, I was an object, not a human being.”
My gaze is fixed to the wall. I can’t wipe my eyes or blow my nose or see the appalled look on Katherine’s face. I can’t leave behind the horrific years I’ve been transported back to. In some ways, being numb was easier.
I find it in myself to look at my therapist. “Alonso and his friends turned me into the addict I am today. The cowards kept me helpless so I couldn’t put up a fight, and they did this until there was no fight left inside me. I only wanted to die.”
Greyson
Pacing in front of the door, my mind flip-flops between negatives and positives. Is Sasha’s session running over because it’s going well, or is it disastrous, and her therapist can’t let her leave?
No one else is in the lobby, so I’m guessing Sasha was the last appointment. Maybe that’s why her therapist is allowing it to run over, but I don’t think that’s how it works. It never did for me, anyway.
Feeling my phone buzz, I pull it from the pocket of my dress pants.
Camilla: How’s Sasha? I feel like something’s wrong.
Fuck no.
Me: Don’t say that. She’s running over in her session, so I’m already worried.
Camilla: I’m sorry. Message me as soon as you can.
Slipping my phone back in my pocket, I pace again. The door begins to open, so I step out of the way. Sasha’s therapist sticks her head out.
“I
’m Katherine. You’re Greyson, correct?”
“Yes, is Sasha OK?”
“She’s ill. Can you come back with me please?” Nodding, I try to swallow, but my throat’s too dry. I briskly follow her down the hallway, and as we enter her office, she says, “Sasha vomited and is having a difficult time.”
The Sasha before me is not the one who was smiling at me less than two hours ago. She’s blotchy, shaking, and leaning over a small wastebasket.
Hurrying to her side, I hold her hair back and spot the vomit in the trash can. She gags between cries but doesn’t throw up again.
“What the hell happened to her? This was supposed to be a safe place for her to talk.”
“This is a safe place, but sometimes the process is difficult and stirs up painful emotions and memories.”
“I wanna go home,” Sasha mumbles before she sits up.
“Of course.”
Katherine pulls the bag of vomit out from inside the can.
“You can take the wastebasket with you,” she says before she picks up Sasha’s purse by her chair and hands it to me.
“Come on, baby. Let’s get you out of here.”
“I have an opening Tuesday. I think if Sasha feels up to it, she should come in sooner rather than later.”
“I’ll call you Monday.”
“I’ll hold the spot until I hear from you.”
I walk my girl out of the building while her body calls the shots. She’s convulsing, and I don’t know what I can do to help her.
We reach the car, and straightening, she starts looking all around us while sucking in short breaths between her sobs.
“What if they’re here? What if they found me?”
“Who’s they?”
“The mean men. Or, what if Rusty tries to take me?” Setting the wastebasket and her purse on the ground, I turn her to face me. I cup her cheeks and bring her closer.
“Look at me, Sasha. I will not let anyone hurt you. I stopped him before, and I’ll do it again if need be. My purpose in life is to love and protect you. Got it?”
Squeezing her eyes shut, she sobs, and my heart splinters in two. I pull her to my chest and hold her there, but it does nothing to console her, so I shift us enough to open the passenger door of the Wraith.
