by Maggie Ryan
“I didn’t give you permission to rise. We’re not done, Sarah. Since the dozen you received the last time didn’t seem to make the proper impression, let’s see if another dozen will teach you the necessary lesson.”
“Oh, please, Miss Summers. I’ve learned the lesson. I-I don’t want another dozen.”
“I’m sure you don’t, but you will receive it.” Lilly watched as the headmistress used the paddle to gesture to the seat of the chair. “Head down and bottom well up if you please.”
It amazed Lilly that Sarah lowered her head again and pushed her poor bottom up to take another twelve strokes. The crack of the paddle was only slightly louder than the sounds of Sarah’s cries. When the paddling was over, Lilly’s amazement continued as the paddle was returned to the desk and then Miss Summers gave permission for the naughty girl to rise. The moment she did, Sarah spun around to throw her arms around her headmistress. “I’m so sorry. I pro… I mean, I’ll really try to do better.”
“I know you will, sweetie,” Eleanor said, holding the girl close for several minutes. “Try very hard because if I find you in my office again this week, I will be giving you a demerit.”
“You won’t see me,” Sarah said and Lilly believed her. From her viewpoint, she was sure the poor girl would try very hard indeed. Her bottom was the ruby red color of the roses in Lilly’s basket.
“Go ahead and step out of your bloomers,” Miss Summer said. Sarah instantly obeyed, folding and handing the discarded garment to Eleanor. “Thank you. You’ll stand at the wall and think about what you need to do to improve. Oh, and, Sarah, when your nanny comes to get you, make sure you tell her that you are to sit at your desk, your bare bottom on your chair until you’ve completed an essay of no less than two thousand words on exactly why you chose this school and what you are truly searching for. I hope you will take the opportunity to honestly reflect on what it is that will allow you to be yourself and what you really need to find happiness. That is the only way that we can guide you in your search.”
Lilly watched as Eleanor reached out cup Sarah’s cheek with her palm. “And, sweetie, I promise that your perfect papa is searching for you as well.”
“Yes, ma’am. Thank you, Miss Summers.”
“You’re welcome, my dear. If you’ve managed to finish before dinner, you may ask your nanny for your drawers. If not, you’ll be sitting at the table with your skirt up and bottom exposed.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Lilly saw Eleanor open the door and give Sarah yet another hug before the girl left the office. Her skirts fell from where they were tucked into her waistband, the white petticoats brushing against her outer thighs. Lilly’s breath caught in her throat at the erotic image. Sarah’s bottom appeared to be framed—like a fine painting hanging on a museum’s wall. When the headmistress turned back, it took Lilly a moment to realize her gaze had turned towards the window. She dropped out of sight, praying that she hadn’t been seen. Grabbing her basket, she crawled to the other side of the window before standing and running around the house, down the pavement and to the corner.
*
A few hours later, Lilly set her book aside, though there was still enough light to read. After letting Mr. Tom out, she stripped down to her shift and slipped into bed. Her mind was full of thoughts that demanded her attention. Lying on her back, she stared up at a ceiling spotted with rings where water had seeped in and then dried, but she didn’t see the damage. What she was seeing were scenes of punishment that she’d witnessed. Though Sarah’s cries attested to the fact that the paddling had really hurt, she’d not only apologized for her behavior, she’d thanked Miss Summers for the punishment and, most importantly, had left the office with a beautiful smile on her face. It was confusing. How could she go from crying in pain to smiling in—what? Relief that the punishment was done? Recalling the look on Rachel’s face and her cuddling into Lord Martingham’s lap, Lilly realized that it had to be more than just relief. Both of them had had looks on their faces that reflected far more than relief. They both had appeared… contented. Yes, contented and at peace, and for a good reason. Though they’d been naughty, they’d submitted to their punishment and had received forgiveness from people who cared, who loved them.
Suddenly, she bolted up. Sarah had said something about Rachel’s papa’s friend. Had she meant Lord Carrington? He had said he didn’t have a special girl but his presence in that school could really only mean one thing. Moving to sit with her back against the wall, Lilly reached for Miss Bushy, cuddling the stuffie to her chest. Maybe he’d just been visiting his niece? No, she hadn’t survived by lying to herself. She’d heard it with her own ears. There were at least two girls who wanted him to pick them… they wanted him to be their papa.
She allowed everything, every moment of being in his presence to flood through her. They barely knew each other and yet she’d never felt happier than she had since he’d rescued her from the tree. She hadn’t lied when she’d said she enjoyed the way he held her. She had never felt safer or more cared for than when she’d sat on his lap with his arms wrapped around her. Moaning, she buried her face in the soft fur of the stuffed animal.
She might not have gone to any finishing school, but she wasn’t ignorant. Nor was she a fool. She should have listened to that voice the first time. There was no valid reason for a man, a lord, to want her. She was nothing.
No, she wasn’t nothing. She might not be a woman who allowed herself to look far into the future, but she had made a life for herself. Granted, she didn’t have much but she had all that she needed. She wasn’t as beautiful, as educated, or as polished as those women. She didn’t need a man to take care of her… and yet, for the first time in her life, she felt a yearning that surpassed anything she’d ever desired for before.
An hour passed until, exhausted, she lay down again. She pushed the stuffed squirrel from her pallet, not because she had become quite wet from soaking up all the tears Lilly had been shedding. No, Lilly pushed her away because just like the peppermints she’d throw away in the morning, she couldn’t bear to have any reminders around of a man who had not only been merely trifling with her—but had broken her heart and shattered her soul.
Chapter Ten
“I wouldn’t have thought you’d be nervous,” Eleanor said as she walked into the kitchen to see Phillip pacing back and forth as Belinda packed the basket. “I wouldn’t be surprised if your little one isn’t already in her garden. She’s been here almost every day this week.”
Phillip stopped his pacing, not even realizing he’d been doing so. “No, I’m not nervous. I’m just working out a few things in my head.”
“He’s been stalking about like a caged lion,” Belinda corrected. “He’s said nary a word to me, and I’d be very surprised if he could tell you a single item that I’ve packed.”
Eleanor laughed and Phillip managed a smile. “Thank you, Mrs. Yardley, if today’s offerings are anything like last week’s, I know you have provided a feast fit for a king.”
“And his princess,” Eleanor added as he picked up the basket. When he didn’t give her as much as a grin, she said, “Phillip, you know that my door is always open in case you need to talk.”
“Yes, I know. Thank you,” Phillip said, before leaving the kitchen.
“That man is smitten,” Belinda said, pouring a cup of tea and handing it to Eleanor.
“I would say the man is in love,” Eleanor corrected. “I’ll be in my office.” She walked down the hall, wondering if she’d made the right decision. She’d wondered if perhaps she should have told him about seeing Lilly beneath her office window. She’d definitely been eavesdropping but having just had Lilly apologize the week before, she was hoping that the young woman would find it within herself to confess her naughtiness to Phillip. If the two were to make a life together, Lilly would need to learn to trust that while Phillip would definitely not be happy with her choice and might possibly punish her, he’d forgive her.
*
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Lilly stepped from behind the tree across the street. She’d almost lost her resolve when she’d seen Lord Carrington arrive. It would be so easy to continue to live the fantasy for just a bit longer and yet… she knew that life was one of harsh realities. Once he’d entered the house and the carriage had driven away, she waited another few minutes. Leaving her basket of cuttings, she dashed across the street and up the pavement, setting her gift to one side of the glass doors.
Running back to the tree, she grabbed her basket and walked away, forcing herself not to look back. She’d done all she could to make it right. It was time to forget what had only been a dream.
*
Phillip was pacing again but this time his steps took him up and down a row of rose bushes. Where was she? Pausing at the end of the row, he pulled his watch from his pocket. She was over an hour late. Had she got ill from the soaking she’d received the night of the storm? His heart lurched until he remembered that Eleanor had said she’d been at the school almost every day that week. So what was keeping her?
He’d thought he was the one who was late when he’d rounded the bend and spied a basket sitting on the bench. He had looked around and called her name but she hadn’t answered. Placing the large picnic hamper on the bench, he realized the other basket was not the one she always used to carry her flowers. Instead of blooms, it held gardening tools. Had Eleanor’s gardener forgotten to take it with him? Spying a pair of small gloves, he knew that this basket belonged to Lilly. He smiled thinking of how Eleanor always managed to find the perfect thing to touch a young woman’s heart.
Sighing, he ran his hand through his hair. God, he was beginning to truly worry. Rounding the row, he walked down its length and when his steps stopped, his heart leapt into his throat. Walking another yard, he bent down in front of the hole in the hedge.
He groaned. “Lilly? Why?” Straightening, a large stuffed squirrel in his hand he’d pulled from its concealment in the hedge, he knew she wasn’t coming. But he didn’t know why she didn’t want to see him again.
He ignored the thorns as he pushed through the row of bushes instead of walking around. Grabbing the two baskets, he practically ran back towards the house.
*
Eleanor was writing in a large journal on her desk at the sound of a knock. “Come in.”
“I’m sorry to bother you, Miss Summers.”
“It’s fine, Hannah, what did you need?”
“Oh, nothing, I just thought that you might like these on your desk.”
It was only then that Eleanor saw the vase of flowers the housemaid was holding. “Who are they from?”
“I don’t know, ma’am. I only found them when I went out to the porch to give it a good sweeping before the little ones’ papas start arriving. There’s a note but I didn’t read it. Maybe you have a secret admirer?”
Eleanor smiled and accepted the card as Hannah placed the vase on one corner of the desk. “Well, whoever they are from, they are quite pretty. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Hannah left and Eleanor unfolded the note. Her smile slid from her face as she shook her head.
“Oh, Lilly, why?”
She was halfway down the hall when she heard her name being called very loudly. Rounding the corner, she saw Phillip striding towards her, his hands full and a stricken look on his face.
“She’s not coming!”
“I know.”
“If you knew then why in the bloody hell didn’t you tell me?”
“Phillip, calm down. We can—”
“Calm down? I can’t fucking calm down! You told me she was coming. Hell, you told me she’d been here every damn day!”
“Lord Carrington, I know you are quite upset and I don’t blame you,” Eleanor said, drawing herself up and becoming the stern headmistress that could cause her students to quake in their boots. “I will do everything I can to help you, but I will not tolerate your bellowing or your language.”
Phillip was about to say he didn’t give a fuck what she would tolerate when he realized he had already drawn a crowd. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he nodded. “I apologize. I-I just have to find her. I don’t understand why Lilly… why she isn’t here.”
“She was here, sir.”
Phillip whipped around to see Margaret standing with a few of her co-workers in the hall.
“When? Where is she? Why did you let her go?”
“Phillip, lower your voice before you wake up the entire house,” Eleanor instructed. “Margaret, did you see her leave the flowers a short time ago?”
“No, ma’am. I mean, I saw her, but it was earlier. I always take a walk in the gardens every morning before going upstairs. The flowers are so beautiful and I like to listen to the birds singing as the sun rises…” Perhaps it was Phillip’s barely concealed growl or Eleanor’s mouth opening, but the nanny paused and shook her head. “I’m sorry. I mean, I saw Lilly cutting flowers. I know you gave her permission and she had the basket that Mr. Kerr gave her.”
“This basket?” Phillip asked, holding up both the baskets he still held.
“Yes, the smaller one. Oh, and she had another. The one she puts her flowers in.”
“Thank you, Margaret,” Eleanor said. “You may all return to your duties. Phillip, I suggest we talk in my office. Belinda, perhaps some tea?”
“I don’t want any fuc…” Phillip began but stopped himself, and when Eleanor turned and began to walk away, he followed.
Once inside her office, she gestured to a chair and then sat in another. “When I told you I knew, I meant that I just now realized Lilly wasn’t going to join you for tea. In fact, it appears that she won’t be returning at all.”
“What do you mean?”
Gesturing towards the vase of flowers, Eleanor said, “She left these on the porch. She left this, as well.” She was going to pass him the note but instead said, “Why don’t you put those things down?” He set the baskets on the floor in front of him but she noticed he kept the rather chubby stuffed squirrel in his lap. Instead of handing him the note, she read it aloud.
Dear Miss Summers,
I want to thank you for your generosity in allowing me to take flowers from your garden. It was far more than I deserved, but I shall not take another bloom for I won’t return. I don’t belong among your beautiful flowers or with the girls in your school.
Please thank them for their kindness and accept this bouquet as a token of my appreciation. I realize they are your flowers, but it is the only gift I can offer and I hope you know each flower holds a piece of my heart.
I also owe you another apology. I don’t know if you saw me, but even if you didn’t, it wasn’t right for me to eavesdrop. While I assure you that I do feel bad for doing so, please know that it helped open my eyes. For that, I thank you. As I heard you tell Sarah, living a life of illusion is not the way to find happiness.
I’ve left the basket of tools on the bench. Please tell Mr. Kerr that I appreciate the use of them.
Sincerely,
Lillian Lancaster
Eleanor’s eyes lifted to see Phillip looking not at her, but at the vase. “She was wrong. Those aren’t my flowers. I gave her that garden. Those are Lilly’s blossoms.”
“It’s my fault,” Phillip said. “I never should have followed her home last week.”
“What do you mean? Didn’t you take her home?” Eleanor asked. “Yes, I know you did. It was pouring rain and…”
“That wasn’t her home.”
When he didn’t elaborate, Eleanor reached out to lay her hand on his arm. “Phillip, you aren’t making any sense. What happened when you two left here?”
She didn’t remove her hand or interrupt as he told her how he’d not believed Lilly and had followed her to her real home.
“God, Eleanor, it is nothing but a shack. I could probably push it over with a couple of shoves. I knew I shouldn’t have left her there. What the hell was I thinking?”
“You were thinking ex
actly the right thing,” Eleanor said. “If you’d stormed into her home, she would have run.”
“She did run,” Phillip said, finally taking his eyes off the flowers to look at her.
“I mean, she wouldn’t have waited until today to leave the flowers or that squirrel. No, I fear she ran for a far different reason.”
When a knock sounded, Eleanor walked to the door. “Thank you, Belinda.”
Belinda entered with a tray containing a pot of tea and two cups and saucers. Setting it down on the desk, she turned to Phillip. “Don’t you give up on that girl, Lord Carrington. I might not understand what happened, but I’ve seen the look in your eyes. That girl is the one for you.”
“I’m obviously not the one for her,” Phillip said.
“Lawd, are you telling me that a big strong man like yourself is going to give up without a fight? If that’s the sort of man you are, then you certainly don’t deserve her.” She bent down and picked up the wicker hamper. “And you don’t deserve a single crumb in this basket.”
“Belinda,” Eleanor said, shaking her head.
“No, she’s right,” Phillip said, turning to the plump cook. “You are absolutely right on all counts, Mrs. Yardley. Lilly is the one for me, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make her understand that I can’t imagine my life without her.”
“That’s better,” Belinda said. “When you find her, you bring her right to my kitchen. I’ll make you both a proper meal.”
“I will, I promise, and thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now, have some tea and have Miss Eleanor pour a bit from that bottle in her desk. That’ll get you going. And only one cup, mind you, times a-wastin’.”
Once the cook had left, Eleanor poured the tea and then poured a dollop of whiskey into each cup. She was very pleased to see that the pallor had left Phillip’s face and he no longer looked like a haunted man. As he took his cup, he thanked her, took a sip and said, “I think you’d better tell me what my Lilly means in that letter.”
