by Elise Jae
“Hello?”
I turn so quickly. The woman’s voice was the last thing I thought I’d here and my brain refuses to make the possible connections. “Who are you?”
As soon as I’ve said it, I know it’s too hostile, but I can’t pull the words back.
Lips pursing for only a moment, the woman looks me over, but finally says, “I’m Wren.”
And we stand there for a half a moment, just looking at each other. I don’t know what I would have said if Fault had opened the door, I definitely don’t know what to say now.
“Why don’t you come in and tell me how I can help you.” She stands to the side, and I’m too cold to argue.
Too frustrated. Too…
My chest tightens, twinging with a cocktail of emotions I don’t want to address.
She wants to help me, but, “You can’t. I need to talk to Fault, and I need to talk to him now.”
“I’m afraid that’s impossible.”
It can’t be impossible. Fault is the only man on the planet I know who doesn’t want a bondmate. The only one who could possibly agree to this ridiculous plan that’s unravelling in my head.
“Tell him Hannah is here, and I’m sure he’ll tell you you’re wrong.”
I swallow the ugly little sound that I know was too quiet for her to hear.
“Well, Hannah, I’m his bondmate.” She says it calmly and when I turn to her, more puzzle pieces fall into place. Because why else would she be here? But she continues, “and I can assure you, only the Saints themselves could get him to join us. He is not here.”
“His bondmate?” I take a long, deep breath trying to work through this spectacle I’m making.
“Yes.” She says it slowly, clearly. “Who did you think I was?”
My mind had assigned her to someone else, but she’s alone in this space. She meets my eyes and there’s something kind in them—something I want to tell her to pack away for someone else. “But he hadn’t put in a request. He….” said he was never going to put in a request….
“Hannah, what’s wrong?” Her fingers rest on my shoulder and it’s like her touch is a needle. I start to deflate. What bravado I possessed coming here has started to fizzle.
“He was unattached.” Something brittle and broken floats under my words and I hate them, but I can’t stop myself. “He was my only hope and you took him.”
“Your bondmate might disagree.”
Her voice might be soft, but there’s an ugly recrimination in those words, and I hate Noa all the more for that. Because he didn’t care. He wouldn’t have cared.
“He’s dead.” My voice cracks, and it feels like something inside of me snaps too. “And you’re here.”
When she flinches I realize how I must look and I step toward her. I’m too used to comforting people, but she takes a step back and then…
Heat.
It’s my turn to flinch backward, because Fault is here. He’s appeared between us as if he’s teleported here.
But he’s not the man I know.
I stare at him, not really seeing him, because he’s changed. He’s bigger, his face is sharper and he’s… glowing.
“You need to leave, Hannah. You need to go now.”
Like a sand castle below the tide line, I start to crumble as the realities wash over me. “You were my last hope. You were supposed to be.... And now he’s gone and I’m alone and… and, where did she come from. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.”
And I was going to try to trap him in something that could have been worse than what Noa did to me….
“Oh God.”
I have to leave.
I have to get out of here.
I want to disappear—not exist.
I run for the door. I don’t care how it looks. I can feel the sting of tears at the edges of my eyes. I know if I don’t get out, I’ll fall to this floor and never get up again.
Once I’m in my car, I just go.
This time, I remember every inch of pavement as I wind my way back down the mountain. I have to hyperfocus on that because if I think about what just happened…..
No one’s waiting for me when I get back to the house and I thank god for that.
But as soon as the garage door closes behind me and the quiet of the space hits me, I feel like I’m in a tomb.
Mine, not Noa’s.
I run through the house, closing myself in my room and locking the door. But when I turn to the space, the riot of colors I used to remove myself from him is nauseating and the grief that wracks through me drops me to my knees. The floor is too hard, the room too bright, and I crawl across the space pushing shoes and boxes aside to curl in a ball in the corner of my closet.
It’s not a solution. I know that. But I need a little while to get over this feeling of dread, and I can’t do that in the light of day.
HAZARD
I hate that I can’t go to her. That I have no right.
I hate that she’s all alone in that house and I can’t steal her away from it.
But maybe….
Getting into the Agency portal is easy, despite the fact I haven’t opened it for months.
There’s a small wheel of women waiting for me.
They’re all pretty, all boasting wild accomplishments. And they will all make someone else a wonderful bondmate some day.
But they’re not for me.
I dismiss them all and pull up the messaging function.
The missive I have to write doesn’t take long, but as I read it over once more, I realize that requesting Hannah isn’t enough.
Tapping through one more line, I send the changes away, knowing I won’t get an answer for days. But it’s a request I have to make.
HANNAH
I don’t know what to expect from the knock on the door that night. But the petite, dark haired woman with a wary smile isn’t it.
She’s with the Agency—at least, according to the ID tag clipped to her belt.
“Hi, Hannah?”
“Yes?”
“My name’s Mary. I’m with the Agency. And, ah.” She swallows, and I think it’d be safe to say she knows too much. “Well, Wren called me because she thought you might be in distress after your bondmate’s passing and I wanted to come check in.”
I hesitate, but after that moment’s pause, move aside to let her in.
She barely looks around the house. “I spoke to Margot before I came, so I know that… things were strained between you and Noa before he died.”
“Are you going to send me back to Earth?”
Her confusion is as sincere as it is quick. “No. Of course not. This is your home now. I thought, being friends with Kimba, you would have known that wasn’t—unless you want to go back.”
“I don’t.”
“Then no one will even suggest it.”
No one but a man who wants me dead.
“I don’t know if anyone has spoken to you yet, but we will need to do a few things with your late bondmate’s lawyer. He has requested a meeting tonight if possible. You know how sian officials are. They want to get everything buttoned up as neatly and as quickly as possible.”
She smiles, but it seems more disapproving than anything else.
“Honestly? No one’s spoken to me at all. The house was deserted when I got back.” He doesn’t count. “If not for the excruciating pain and Margot telling me what happened, I might have thought he’d just disappeared.”
Mary looks even less happy now.
“Well then let’s get this over with so you can move on with your life.” Mary nods toward her car. “I’ll drive.”
I don’t say anything else until I’m in the seat and we’re rolling through the city.
“You don’t think it’s weird?” I look at her and know it’s not enough of a question. “That I’m not a mess right now.”
She winces. “You may not be the kind of mess I expected, but you’re still a mess, Honey.”
I laugh, dropping my head ba
ck to the headrest, because what else can I do?
We get to the stark gray building too quickly, and she leads the way inside. Everything is sound proofed and the quiet makes my skin crawl.
Mary does all the talking and I’m led down yet another too-quiet hall, until a door is held open for me.
Four chairs, one table… a ceiling that is nothing but light.
The room is comfortable… even if it’s just as sterile as the house Noa left me with.
“Do you want me to stay?” Mary asks.
But I’ve kept s much of what was wrong with Noa and I secret for so long… it’s not a wound I want to open again right now.
“No. This is something I need to do on my own.”
As she leaves, two men join me.
It’s not hard to tell what they are. The sian like their clothes to announce what they do for a living and more often than not, the men who came to Margot’s didn’t bother to change out of their work uniforms before they came in.
A lawyer and a physician face me. Both of them look like they would rather be anywhere else. The feeling’s mutual
“None of us want to be here, gentlemen, let’s get this over with. I’ve always been a ‘tear the bandage off’ kind of person.”
Clearing his throat, the lawyer nods and sets a tablet in front of me. “Your bondmate set things up so you would be provided for after his death. Everything is in order and up to date. The transfer of the estate will be simple. Just a few signatures. All of the passwords and codes are in there.”
Something in the way he says it snags at my mind. Provided for after his death.
Aside from it being completely out of character for him to care about what would happen to me, it almost sounds as if….
“What do you mean? He knew he was going to die?”
Confusion crosses both of their faces and I can’t imagine what they’re thinking.
“He had a condition… one that is similar to your cancer. We were unable to do anything about it.” The physician looks at me, his brows pinching. “He didn’t tell you any of this.”
“No.”
“And you didn’t feel… anything through the bond?”
“No.” I can’t help but start to wonder if that was why our bond was broken all this time. “He didn’t say anything at all.”
The lawyer scowls at his information. “When were you paired?”
“Last year.” The file he has would have the exact date, he didn’t need to ask me.
The physician curses, and I know he thinks I don’t understand what he says. But I do. Noa’s diagnosis was five years old. He’d requested a bondmate knowing he was on borrowed time. Knowing that he would die and I would have to feel it.
I’m numb enough, I almost laugh. The bastard didn’t give a shit about me. I’m not surprised he wanted me for something and when he found out I didn’t “work” he’d only done what was necessary for appearances.
The lawyer turns to the physician, his words harsh and low. “He shouldn’t have cleared the requirements for bonding partners in the first place.”
I meet his eyes. “Anything is possible when you have money like he did.”
They both pale.
It still amazes me how many of them forget we might speak their language.
“Of course, again, we are so sorry for your loss.”
Clearing his throat, the doctor shifts “Do you have any questions for us?”
I probably should. I should at least pretend to care. But I can’t.
I’m too damned tired for that. “No.”
They share another glance and I can’t help but wonder what they’re thinking.
“If you’ll sign here, the transfer will be immediate and you can… move on.”
I scribble my name over the pad and wait as they gather what little they brought with them.
The doctor continues to shoot fleeting glances my way, but when they reach the door, it’s the lawyer who lingers.
He watches me for a moment. “You inspired devotion in a great many men, Hannah. Are you certain none of them discovered your… problem and decided to help move things along?”
“Was he murdered?”
The way he looks away from me… I know that what he says next is a lie.
“Not so far as the investigation has found.” His eyes narrow, but not at me, and then he, too, is gone.
I should go too.
But the idea of getting up and going back to that empty white void….
Dropping my head back, I stare at the ceiling until my eyes lose focus, until patterns start to form….
“Hannah?” Mary says my name lowly. I didn’t hear her come in.
With a deep breath, I sit upright and—taking the tablet—turn to her with as much of a smile as I can manage. “Sorry. I’m keeping you here.”
She shakes her head, wisps of dark hair fluttering around her face. “We can stay as long as you need to. I just wanted to let you know we can go whenever you want.”
But, no matter how much I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to stay here either. “It’s time.”
We don’t speak again until we’re in the car. “If you need anything, I know you can call Margot or Kimba, but… I’m always available too. I’ve sent over my information. The Agency doesn’t really feel like we’re ‘around’ on this planet, but anything you need. All you have to do is let me know and we will find a way to make it happen.”
“Thank you.” I nod, head dipping a little more than feels natural.
“And when you’re ready to try again? I think you’re going to find that a good bondmate is waiting for you... And he’ll make up for the deficiencies of your last one.”
Luckily, she pulls up at the house before I have to think of anything to say to that.
Going to Fault had been a mistake.
“It’ll have to be the right guy. After all, I’m one of the women on this planet who knows just how different sian men are from each other.”
Giving me a soft smile, Mary nods. “Yes you are.”
She offers her assistance at any time, once more, and I slip from her car, hurrying inside, even though I don’t think Noa’s business partner will ambush me while she’s there. And she doesn’t leave until I’m inside.
The door shuts behind me with a too-loud click.
This place is a mausoleum without a corpse.
It’s nothing more than a reminder of who he was and how wrong our life was.
The first thing I’m going to do is sell it and everything he owned. I’m going to erase every possible memory of him and try to forget this hollow ache in my chest.
Ten
NOW
HANNAH
Hazard is at my door. As soon as I open it he takes my hand. “Are you okay?”
“No.” I blink at him. “I don’t think I am.”
Because it’s a better answer than “Yes, now that you’re here.”
I can’t lean into those feelings. If he knows, he might do something…. And I can’t let him try to save me out of guilt or some other notion of pity.
“Come in.”
I step out of the way and Hazard does as I ask, letting me close the door, and block him from any witnesses if they decide to swing by to check in on me.
I needed him so badly, I called him, but I didn’t think about this part. About Hazard inside Noa’s home. About what he would think when he saw it.
Hazard stands just inside the door and looks around the space.
I’d be willing to bet it makes his skin crawl as much as it does mine. “It’s horrible, isn’t it.”
“I hate it. Maybe we should go somewhere else.”
“Maybe we should.” But I can’t leave… we can’t go anywhere else—a hotel’s too risky, and his house is too far away. And I don’t want to be around anyone else.
I take his hand and lead him through the house, taking him into my bedroom and closing the door against the cold memory of Noa.
He relaxes al
most instantly. And when I turn to him, he pulls me in tight, holding me like he never wants to let me go.
His lips pressed to my hair, he just stands there, arms wrapped around me, warmth soaking into my skin.
It’s exactly like it’s been so many times before… just with all our clothes on.
I don’t imagine anyone else from the club would have done this. There’s a bed, right there, and Hazard of all people knows I’m always willing—especially for him.
Even knowing it would be wrong, I’d probably give in.
But he just holds me, his arms a tight cage around me, keeping me against him as he strokes my hair. “Anything you need, Hannah. Anything at all. I will find a way to get it for you.”
I want him. I want this.
Fault would have been a terrible plan. We barely knew each other… but Hazard. I know Hazard better than I’ve ever known anyone in my life.
And maybe that’s why I can’t ask him for what I want.
Maybe that’s why… no matter how much I long for him, I can’t ask him to be my bondmate.
If it wasn’t Noa and his condition... if I’m the one who’s broken. I couldn’t condemn Hazard to the bleak emptiness Noa and I felt.
I can’t condemn anyone to it… but him least of all.
“Just hold me.” Hold me and never let me go.
But a few moments later, I step away from him, looking up into a face I could lose forever…
I trace my fingers over the ridges of his cheekbones, over the soft planes beneath them.
I want him so badly, the ache has settled into my guts.
When he lowers his head, I’m the one who kisses him.
It’s a soft, sweet joining of our lips and even though I crave more, he holds me still.
When he releases me, my gaze slides to the bed.
He sees it. “I’m not going to sleep with you right now, Hannah.”
I almost ask why not. There’s a tiny sliver of me that feels petulant and demanding, and jealous… of what I can’t have. What I can’t ask for.
“I know.” Because Hazard isn’t that guy. “But I want you to lie with me…”
