by Radclyffe
“Very nice,” Nita replied, admiring the dangling bare bulb. “Quite an improvement.”
“Thank you,” Deo said with a small bow. “So how did your patient manage to get the peanut stuck in her ear?”
“Compliments of her four-year-old brother.”
“Ah, now I see.” Deo walked into the kitchen, caught up in the easy conversation. Without thinking, she said, “I stuffed a bb up my brother’s nose when we were four. They had a hell of a time finding it.”
“I imagine.” Nita was fascinated by the glimpse of pure pleasure that suffused Deo’s face. She had so rarely seen her so unguarded. She looked young, carefree, happy. Then, the light in Deo’s eyes died and she looked away. Without a second’s thought, Nita grasped her hand. The scar that snaked across the top stood out starkly against her tan. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Deo asked hoarsely.
“About your brother.”
“Yeah. Well.” Deo wasn’t certain why she had even mentioned Gabe. She never talked about him. No one did, at least not when she was around. Maybe it was just easier to confess while standing in the middle of the century old kitchen with the fractured rays of sunlight slanting through the wavy glass windows, feeling as if she had been transported to another time. Nita’s voice was so gentle, her fingers so warm and so soft. No one ever touched her just to soothe her pain.
“Gabriel,” Deo heard herself say. His name felt strange on her tongue, as if it was a foreign language she’d forgotten she knew how to speak. “We were twins.”
“Ah, God. It’s terrible to lose a sibling, but a twin. I think that’s even worse.”
Deo’s expression hardened and she pulled her hand away. “No. What makes it worse is when you kill him. Let’s finish this up. I’m sure you have better things to do.”
“Deo,” Nita said as Deo turned away, unable to bear the terrible sorrow she glimpsed in Deo’s face. “I understood it was an accident.”
“From who?”
“Tory.”
“It wasn’t. I was there, I should know.”
When Deo made no move to walk away, but instead stood staring out the window into the overgrown garden that overran a small flagstone patio, Nita stepped beside her and rested her hand on Deo’s shoulder. In profile, Deo’s face might have been carved from granite. “What happened?”
Beneath Nita’s fingers, Deo’s torso rose and fell with her quick shallow breaths.
“We were at a party. Most of the kids were a year or two ahead of us. Everyone was drinking and…he walked in on me and another girl when we had gotten to the point where we couldn’t lie about what we were doing. I hadn’t told him I was gay and he was pissed. I don’t know if it was because I hadn’t told him or because he was ashamed of me.”
Nita felt Deo shudder but resisted the urge to put her arm around Deo’s shoulders. She was afraid if she pulled Deo too far from her reverie she’d stop talking. “What did he say?”
“Nothing. Well, he cursed me out, and then he stormed out.” Deo laughed brittlely. “Of course he was drunk, and he never could drink much. I caught up to him down at the harbor just as he was un-mooring the skiff we kept docked there. It was the middle of the night and a big storm was coming in. The waves were already too high for that size boat, but he wouldn’t listen. I barely managed to jump in before he pulled away from the dock.”
Deo stretched her arm along the window casement and rested her forehead against it. Nita couldn’t see her face, but she didn’t need to. She could hear the anguish. She gently rubbed small circles in the center of Deo’s rigid back.
“He had always been a crappy pilot and loaded...forget it. He couldn’t take the waves and we were foundering. I tried to make him give me the wheel, but I could hardly keep my feet under me. Then we went over and…” Deo choked and her shoulders heaved.
“Just take your time,” Nita murmured.
“At first I couldn’t find him, but somehow I grabbed onto his shirt. He didn’t answer me when I yelled his name, and I couldn’t see his face.” Deo rubbed her eyes with one hand. “It took me so long to get him to shore. And then it was too late.”
Nita was no stranger to pain. She consoled those who had lost loved ones all the time, aching for every one of them while she offered pitifully inadequate words of comfort. She held herself back then because she had to, because the distance allowed her to do what she was best at. But she couldn’t bear to stand by helplessly while Deo suffered. Ignoring the alarm bells clanging wildly in her head, she threaded both arms around Deo’s waist and pressed a kiss to the center of her back. “I’m so terribly sorry.”
With a muffled groan, Deo spun around and pulled Nita into an embrace. But instead of kissing her, which is what Nita expected, Deo buried her face against Nita’s neck. Holding her, Nita stroked the back of her head and rocked her gently, as she would a child.
“It’s all right. It’s all right,” she whispered, even though she knew it wasn’t. Words would not heal this wound.
After a few moments, Deo backed away. “I’m sorry.”
“There’s no need to apologize.”
“I don’t know why I told you that.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“Why?” Deo demanded. Anger warred with gratitude. She didn’t want to talk about Gabriel, she didn’t want to think about him. She didn’t want to admit how good it felt to be held, and not blamed.
“Because I know how hard that was for you and I’m…I’m honored that you told me.” Nita reached out to touch Deo’s face, then stopped at the last second. They’d already gone too far.
“He wouldn’t have been in that boat if it hadn’t been for me. And if I hadn’t let him pilot it, we wouldn’t have capsized. He drowned because I fucked up.”
“It was a horrible accident.” Nita knew her words wouldn’t change Deo’s mind or assuage her guilt. “I’m so very sorry.”
“Yeah.” Deo let out a long breath. “Look, do you mind if we do this tomorrow?”
“No, of course not.”
“I’ll call you.”
“All right.” Nita followed as Deo strode rapidly ahead of her down the hall toward the front of the house. Deo held the heavy wood door open so Nita could step out onto the porch.
“I’d appreciate it if you would forget this happened,” Deo said.
“I won’t mention it to anyone.” Nita already knew there was no way she could forget it. She could still feel Deo in her arms.
“Thanks.” Deo closed and locked the door, then circled Nita without touching her. As she hurried down the front steps, she murmured, “Good night.”
“Good night, Deo.”
Nita watched Deo slip through the iron gate and disappear into the crowds. She wondered if there was a woman Deo would go to for comfort or just to help her forget her pain for a few hours. Slowly, Nita made her way down the walk, too weary and too raw to even pretend she didn’t want to be that woman.
Chapter Seventeen
“Bri,” Allie said, rolling down the window to get a better look at the figure hunched over on the edge of the pier, “pull over there.”
“What have you got?” Bri eased the patrol car to a stop and squinted to see through the light rain that had begun falling just after midnight.
“There’s someone leaning against the piling and it looks like they’re about an inch from falling into the bay.”
“Better check it out.”
Allie stepped out of the car and flicked on her flashlight, then waited until Bri did the same before cautiously approaching the person, whose face was turned away. “You there, on the pier. Sheriff’s department. You want to slide back from the edge?”
When the person gave no indication of moving, Allie played her light over the figure, looking for anything that suggested a weapon or other sign of danger. Closer now, she recognized the broad shoulders beneath the soaked T-shirt and the familiar line of her jaw. “Deo?”
Bri approached from the opposit
e side, and she and Allie reached Deo at the same time. Allie made a motion for Bri to wait and then squatted down next to Deo. “Hey, baby. What are you doing out here?”
Slowly, Deo turned her head. “Chasing ghosts.”
“With what? Tequila?”
“Not for a few hours.”
“Did you drive?”
Deo shook her head. “Walked.”
“If you fall asleep you’re going to end up in the harbor,” Allie teased, studying Deo’s face carefully. She seemed dazed, almost disoriented. “Take my hand so I can help you up.”
“I’m okay.” Deo braced one hand against the huge wooden piling and tried to get her feet under her. She swayed dangerously out over the water ten feet below them, the surface nothing more than a shiny black slick in the moonlight.
“Whoa,” Allie said, yanking Deo’s T-shirt and nearly toppling forward herself. “Steady.”
Bri grabbed Deo from behind, hooked both hands under Deo’s armpits, and dragged her back from the edge. “Jesus, Camara, you want to take Allie into the water with you? What the fuck are you doing?”
“Easy, Bri,” Allie murmured, climbing to her feet.
“Sorry.” Deo blinked rapidly. “Sorry.”
“Get up.” Bri lifted and Deo pushed herself to her feet. She wavered for a few seconds, then got her balance.
“I’m not drunk,” Deo said, although her voice was thick, almost slurred.
“How much did you have to drink earlier?” Bri’s expression was stony.
“A few shots. Just tired.”
“Where’s your truck?”
“Home.”
“Come on, Deo,” Allie said gently. “Get in the cruiser. We’ll take you home.”
“I’ll walk. Clear my head.”
Allie glanced at Bri who shook her head. “It’s an ugly night and that’s a long walk. Besides, this will give us something to do.”
“I’ll be okay.”
Bri gripped Deo’s arm. “Get in the cruiser, Camara. We’re driving you.”
Deo hesitated, then followed along as Bri escorted her to the patrol car. Once in the back seat, she leaned her head back and closed her eyes.
“Deo,” Allie said softly five minutes later. “We’re here.”
“Thanks,” Deo said after Allie got out and opened the door for her.
“You okay, baby?” Allie said softly.
“Yeah.”
“You want me to come by later?” Allie ran her fingertips over Deo’s chest. “Maybe just to talk?”
Deo covered Allie’s hand with hers and squeezed gently. “Thanks. I’m just gonna crash.”
“Sure. Just remember, you can always call.”
Allie stepped back and then waited outside the cruiser until Deo unlocked the door and disappeared inside.
“We can swing by again,” Bri said when Allie settled back into the front seat, “if you’re worried about her. Make sure she doesn’t take the truck out anywhere.”
“She’s probably in for the night, but if you don’t mind—”
“Hell, Allie, I don’t mind. She looks fucked up tonight. Is there some kind of trouble between you two?”
“No,” Allie sighed. “I haven’t seen her for a couple of weeks. I mean I’ve seen her, but not that way. We’re really not an item.”
“You want to be?” Bri asked as she headed back down Bradford to the center of town.
Allie was quiet for a minute. “I think if we were still fucking, I’d want to be, because I like her, you know?” She shifted on the seat a little and grinned at Bri. “She’s like you. All dark and broody. I’m a sucker for that.”
Bri laughed and kept her eyes on the road. “Yeah, right. So why haven’t you gone after her?”
“She’s not all broody over me, and I think I’m gonna hold out for a girl who is.”
“I don’t get that,” Bri muttered.
Allie reached across the space between them and patted Bri’s thigh. “I know you don’t. But Caroline does.”
*
When the sunlight hit Deo in the eyes at six a.m, she rolled over with a groan and buried her face in the pillow. Cautiously, she took stock. Headache. Queasy stomach. Scratchy eyes. Not enough sleep. A little too much to drink. She hadn’t set out to get drunk and quit drinking when she realized she was on her way, but the whole night was something of a blur. She should not have talked to Nita about Gabe—every time she thought about that night the guilt fucked her up.
She flipped onto her back and guardedly opened her eyes. Other than the fact that it felt like someone was sticking hot needles into her eyeballs, she figured she’d live. For a long time after Gabe had died, she hadn’t really wanted to, but some part of her wouldn’t give up. Plus, Pia would have kicked her ass if she’d done something stupid. So she’d shut down the parts of her that hurt and tried not to look back.
Then, something as simple as a childhood memory had brought it all back with perfect clarity. That happened sometimes, and it was always bad. This time was different. Nita had listened and whispered, It’s all right. Deo knew that was a kind lie, but it felt good to have someone say it anyhow. Pia had tried, all those long years ago, but Deo had never believed her. She didn’t believe Nita either, but knowing that Nita believed it still eased some of the hurt inside.
So maybe the jackhammer tearing up the inside of her skull was worth it after all. With a groan, she rolled out of bed and headed for the shower. On her way, she remembered Bri and Allie bringing her home. She’d have to call Allie and thank her.
Allie. Allie was sweet and sexy. Why not Allie? Why couldn’t she be losing sleep over Allie? They were good together, and it would be simpler. Easier. She reached into the shower, twisted the faucet to cold, and stepped in. Gasping, she toughed it out until the cobwebs dissipated and her head felt clearer.
Not Allie—maybe because it would be easier. Easier maybe, but not as honest. And she liked Allie too much for that.
*
Nita looked at her watch for the third time in five minutes and told herself for the tenth time in the last fifteen that she was making a mistake. She should not be sitting in front of her new house at six-thirty in the morning waiting for Deo Camara to come to work. She should not have lain awake half the night worrying about her, either. And she certainly should not have called her at two in the morning. Thankfully, Deo hadn’t been home, and she hadn’t left a message. What would she have said?
Hi, I’m calling you in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep, and I can’t stop thinking about the pain in your eyes.
Oh yes, that would have been perfect. Of course, discovering that Deo wasn’t home only gave her an entirely new set of circumstances to lose sleep over. Who was holding her, consoling her—offering her pleasure to banish the pain? Imagining someone comforting Deo was every bit as difficult to tolerate as the visions of someone caressing her, making her cry out, making her come.
“This is crazy, and you’re going to make yourself crazy,” Nita muttered. She reached for the keys but before she could start the engine, Deo pulled in to the curb in front of her. Nita took a deep breath and watched Deo climb out of the truck. White T-shirt, khaki pants, work boots. Her hair still wet—her hair always seemed to be wet and every time Nita saw it, she wanted to drive her hands into it. Deo had circles under her eyes, and Nita didn’t doubt that the shadows extended all the way inside.
Before she could talk herself out of it, Nita opened the car door and stepped out. “Good morning.”
Deo walked cautiously forward. “Hi.”
“I…uh…thought I’d get a look at the place during the day.” Nita couldn’t bring herself to say I wanted to see you. I hate how much you were hurting last night. “I know you’re probably very busy right now and I won’t keep you—”
“No, that’s okay. The guys won’t be here for at least half an hour.” Deo came alongside Nita’s car and stopped a few inches from her. “Do you want to go inside?”
“Su
re, I—” Nita halted as a patrol car stopped in the street beside them and an officer stepped out. She didn’t immediately recognize her, but it was clear that Deo did, judging by her surprised expression. When Nita looked closer, she realized who it was. Deo’s not girlfriend. “Maybe we’ll do this another time.”
When Nita opened her car door to leave, Deo grabbed the top edge and held on.
“No,” Deo said, “I won’t be a minute. Don’t go.”
Nita hesitated, aware that the officer was standing a few feet away, observing the exchange. Deo hadn’t taken her eyes from Nita’s face and Nita couldn’t look away from her. Her throat felt tight and dry. “Okay. I’ll wait on the porch.”
“Wait right here.” Deo turned toward Allie. “Hi. Just finishing your shift?”
“Yeah, we’re on our way in right now,” Allie said. “We saw your truck was gone from the condo. You’re here early.”
“The forecast is calling for rain again tomorrow,” Deo said. “You know how it is.”
“I know. Contractors have to work while the sun is shining.” Allie glanced up at Nita’s house, then nodded to Nita. “It’s looking good.”
“Yes, thanks,” Nita said.
“Thanks for the ride home last night,” Deo said.
“No thanks needed.” Allie slid back into the cruiser. As the cruiser pulled away she called out the window, “Be careful up on that roof today.”
“Always.” Deo waved after the cruiser, still holding Nita’s door open with the other arm. Then she turned in Nita’s direction. “Ready to go inside?”
“You sure it’s no trouble?”
“None at all,” Deo said, closing Nita’s door. She led the way up the flagstone walk and inside. “There’s something I want to show you in the master bedroom.”
Nita followed up the wide twisting staircase to the second level. A balcony ringed the foyer below. The center room was the master bedroom, and when she walked in, she had an image of a four poster bed, an antique armoire, and a rich oriental carpet covering the wide plank floors.
