After about thirty minutes of singing, the pastor once again took to the stage to introduce the person who would be speaking that night. Normally, she would have done some research—just out of curiosity—of the people who would be coming for a special event like this, but with everything else that had been going on, she hadn’t had a chance.
“Thank you for your kind welcome, Pastor Ellis,” Quinn MacIntyre said with a smile. “It’s a pleasure to be here tonight. And it’s always a pleasure to hear Josh and Cami sing. I’d like to pray before I share my story.” The man shifted his stance, bowing his head as he prayed briefly for the evening. When he finished, he stepped to the side of the podium and smiled down at someone in the front pew for a moment before gazing out over the audience. “Around ten years ago, my wife, Cassie, and I went as missionaries to Colombia. I was a pilot, and Cassie worked as a nurse and midwife. We had a plan for how we were going to serve the Lord. It was a plan that we had worked hard to make happen by sharing it with churches, giving people the opportunity to partner with us in prayer and financial support. We were thrilled to finally be able to see our plan in action that first little while in Colombia.
“All of that changed one day when I left home and didn’t return for six years. I still spent that time in Colombia. However, I was not in a cozy little house with my wife, but instead, I was a captive, moving around in the jungle, surrounded by people who seemed to hate me. For the first few months, I was convinced that someone would rescue me so I could continue to carry out my plan to serve the Lord. But as time ticked by, my faith in a rescue began to dwindle. As did my faith in God.”
Sammi listened as the man talked about some of what he endured during his time in captivity. It was painful to hear as he shared about things he’d experienced himself as well as things he’d seen going on around him. His story was captivating as much as it was heart-wrenching. Especially as he shared about his release six years later and discovering that he had a daughter he’d never known about.
She rubbed a hand over her stomach, imagining how hard it would be to realize that you’d missed so many years of your child’s life. Years of so many firsts. First breath. First cry. First smile. First step. First word. First day of school. How did you let go of the anger of having missed out on so much? Not to mention how things had been with his wife, who had held out so much hope for the return of her husband and then had received a stranger in return.
“I was angry enough about having been held captive for six years, but then I discovered that on top of that, I had missed my daughter’s birth and things happening with my parents. I was a very unhappy man where God was concerned. I was so very angry, trying to figure out why He had allowed me to be taken hostage when all I ever wanted was to be a missionary.” Quinn walked a short distance from the podium, one hand in the pocket of his pants. “It took me awhile to move from looking at my narrow view of all that had happened, to the bigger picture. The picture where I could see that God hadn’t taken me out of the missionary game, if you will, He’d just transplanted me. I thought I was going to be a missionary pilot, but God had other plans.”
Sammi thought about the plans she’d had for her life. Sure, they weren’t anything as lofty as being a missionary, but she’d thought that her plans had still been good ones. Had God had a different plan for her after Jayden dumped her that she had messed up with her decisions? If so, now what? Could good come from the disastrous decisions she’d made? Could God make something beautiful of the mess her life had seemed to have become?
“I know that my experience seems a bit extreme. God uses all kinds of experiences to get our attention. To redirect us to His will. How we choose to react, is up to us. I chose frustration. Anger. Disillusionment. I refused to consider that something so horrible as six years of captivity in the jungle, away from my family, could actually be used for good. I lost the opportunity to share the Gospel with people who might never have heard it any other way.”
Quinn paused, his head dipping for a moment. “Fortunately, I did attempt to share my faith in the early days of my captivity, and it has been a miracle to see how God used my feeble attempts to share the Gospel before I allowed anger to override everything. There were days in the time following my release when it was all I could do not to falter under the weight of the guilt of not having been stronger in my faith. Of not being the man, I always thought I would be in the face of adversity.” He walked back to the podium and rested his fisted hand on its wooden surface. “I was blessed. I made it out alive. Not everyone did. That weighed heavily on me as well. But God, in His infinite mercy, extended grace to me. He didn’t abandon me even after I had abandoned my faith in Him.”
Quinn stepped back behind the podium and lifted the Bible he’d placed there earlier. The weight of it pulled the sides of the open book down on either side of his hand.
“And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” Quinn lifted his head. “Deuteronomy 31 verse 8. This is a verse that has been a constant comfort to me since I abandoned my anger and embraced my faith once again. I keep it in mind, knowing that nothing—absolutely nothing—that happens to me is a surprise to God. He goes before us. He is with us. He will never leave us. Whether it’s in the jungles of Colombia or the cancer unit at the hospital. God is right there with us.”
Sammi looked down at her belly. God hadn’t abandoned her when she had made her decisions at the bar that night. And He hadn’t abandoned her in the days following.
Quinn had stopped speaking and stood with his head bent. When he looked up, his gaze went again to the first row—except the opposite side of the sanctuary this time. “I know this is out of the ordinary, but as I’ve been sharing, a thought has come to mind a few times. I’ve learned not to ignore moments like these, so I hope that you’ll bear with me. This is not the first time I’ve shared a stage with Josh and Cami, and they both have incredible testimonies of their own. Tonight, I’m being prompted to ask Cami to share her testimony. Someone—or maybe more than one person—needs to hear what she has to say.” He gestured to Cami. “Sorry to put you on the spot, but would you share?”
The woman joined him on the stage with a smile, her husband following behind her. “It would be my pleasure.”
Quinn shook hands with both her and Josh before walking down the steps and taking a seat next to his wife. Josh stood behind Cami as she took the mic she’d used earlier to sing into her hand and moved to the center of the stage.
“Thank you, Quinn. I am always happy to share my story with the hope that it will be of help to someone else.” Cami stood there, a slender woman with loose blonde curls, the mic held in both hands. “I was born the fourth of six children. Most of us had different fathers, and we were raised by our grandmother because our mother couldn’t be bothered to stick around and care for us. When my older sister was still in high school, she got pregnant and was sent away to have her baby. My grandmother decided that it would be better to say that Laurel’s baby was our sister, another baby that my mother had dropped off. It was horrible to see my sister suffer the way she did, unable to claim her daughter as her own and being raised by our emotionally unavailable grandmother. So, when I ended up in a similar situation, I was determined to not suffer like my sister, so I made a different decision. A permanent, damaging decision.” Cami paused. “I made the choice to abort my baby.” She paused again. “The guilt from that decision sent me on a downward spiral that led to excessive drinking and more bad decisions.”
Sammi sat, hands wrapped around her stomach, listening to the woman share about having gone down a path that she could have taken. Though she hadn’t seriously considered abortion, Sammi would have been lying if she’d said it hadn’t crossed her mind—but not as an option for her, more just an understanding of why women might make that decision. Hearing Cami talk about the guilt that had weighed her down from the choice she made, Sammi was thankful that she
hadn’t allowed herself to consider abortion as an option. That didn’t mean she had escaped the guilt that had come from her other decisions, however.
But if this woman had been able to find a way out from underneath that guilt, then maybe Sammi could too. She found as she sat there, her belly swollen with the proof of her sin, that she wanted freedom from guilt more than anything. She longed for the peace that had slipped away from her the moment she’d agreed to be with Jayden in a way she’d known was wrong.
That guilt had been compounded by the bad decisions she’d made at the bar with Levi. She’d made all those choices willingly, so it had seemed that the guilt was something she should have to live with. It didn’t seem possible or even fair to ever be free from it.
“Guilt is a destructive force that eats you from the inside out,” Cami said. “It may be what propels you to seek God’s forgiveness, but if you don’t accept that forgiveness, guilt will take over everything in your life. But I learned that that is not how God wants us to live our lives. His forgiveness is there for us. The Bible says that If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. It took me a while to accept that promise. I felt like I had committed such a monstrous, unforgivable sin that there was no way I could be forgiven.” She turned slightly and looked toward her husband. “Josh has his own story, but he helped me to see that God had not abandoned me because of what I’d done. He was waiting to forgive me. And the verse Josh gave me is something I still cling to today when I look back and see how far I’ve come, and that verse is, Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow.”
Josh came to stand next to her, slipping his arm around her waist. He didn’t say anything, just smiled down at her as she began to sing, her voice rich and full.
“Marvelous grace of our loving Lord, grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt.” She lifted her face and a hand as she sang, while Josh’s head was bent forward. “Yonder on Calvary's mount out-poured, there where the blood of the Lamb was spilt.”
Lifting his mic, Josh began to sing with her, their voices harmonizing beautifully. “Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within. Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin.”
The pianist who’d accompanied them earlier began to play as Cami lowered her mic and Josh sang the next verse. Dark is the stain that we cannot hide, what can avail to wash it away! Look! There is flowing a crimson tide; whiter than snow you may be today.
After they sang the chorus again, the piano played softly as Cami continued to speak. “One of the biggest things that stood between me and God’s grace, His forgiveness for my sins, was me.” Cami pressed a fist to her chest. “I didn’t believe I was worthy of His grace though my heart cried out for it. Is that you today? Are you carrying the crippling weight of the belief that you are not worthy of God’s grace? If that is where you are today, I urge you to open your heart to God’s grace. To His forgiveness. Confess the sin that is binding you, keeping you from the peace that only God can give you. Accept that God wants to forgive us, if only we confess our sin.”
Sammi felt the woman’s words wash over her like a wave. The weight of guilt she’d carried for so many months pressed down even more heavily upon her, and she knew it would crush her soul. If God could forgive her sin, if He could still see worth in her in spite of what she’d done, then maybe she, too, could see the worth in herself to be forgiven.
Tears flowed as she struggled to take even breaths, not wanting to fall apart in front of so many people. As Cami and Josh began to sing the last verse of the hymn she’d heard so many times in church but had never felt so keenly, Sammi felt arms come around her. She immediately recognized the strength in Levi’s arms as he held her.
“Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace, freely bestowed on all who believe;
you that are longing to see His face, will you this moment His grace receive?”
Looking out over the congregation, Josh said, “Join us in the chorus.”
“Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within. Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin.”
Sammi struggled to sing the words past the tight muscles in her throat. As Josh led them in a repeat of the chorus, she couldn’t keep the words from tumbling from her lips in a whisper. “Oh, God, please forgive me. Forgive me for the way I have sinned against You. Forgive me for knowing it was wrong and doing it anyway. Please, God, forgive me. And help me to forgive myself.”
Though she knew she couldn’t escape the consequences of her sin, in that instant, Sammi knew a peace that had evaded her for so long. The burden that had pressed down on her was gone. She was free from the chains of guilt that had bound her. No matter what others might say about her, Sammi knew that in God’s eyes, she was worthy. Precious. Loved.
“Thank you so much to Quinn, Josh, Cami, and those who have traveled with them for being here tonight. Thank you for following the promptings of your heart and sharing the words I know God gave each of you. If there is anyone here tonight that has questions, or if you just need to speak to someone, we have people here at the front prepared to talk with you and pray with you.”
The pastor invited them to stand for a closing prayer then the piano continued to play as the congregation was dismissed. Sammi lowered herself back down on the pew and looked up as Amy pressed a tissue into her hand.
“Thank you,” she said with a smile that didn’t feel exactly steady.
Amy leaned forward and pulled her into a tight hug. “I love you, Samsam. So much.”
“I love you, too.” Sammi was so grateful for Amy’s love and support even when she’d distanced herself from her in the same way she had everyone else early in the pregnancy.
As she sat back from Amy’s embrace, Levi said, “Are you okay?”
His voice was low and laced with concern. Her heart expanded with emotion that she hadn’t allowed herself to feel before. Although Sammi knew that for the time being there was no future for the two of them aside from friendship, she couldn’t ignore the fact that she loved Levi in a way she’d never loved Jayden. Though the thought might have made her sad before tonight, Sammi chose instead to cherish the feeling of knowing that soon she’d have a piece of him that she’d be able to hold tight and shower with that love. Even if it wasn’t exactly the same thing, she prayed it would be close enough to satisfy her.
“I’m fine.” She smiled up at him, taking in the concern and worry on his face. “I needed tonight. The message of grace.”
Sammi could tell he didn’t understand, and she was suddenly seized with the realization that she wanted him to understand—needed him to understand—not because she wanted a future with him, but because she loved him, she wanted to know that when he died, he would go to heaven. She needed him to have the assurance of his own salvation.
He gave her a tentative smile as if he was indulging her and her words that didn’t make any sense to him. She supposed that with the way she’d broken down, he would have a hard time believing she was okay. Hopefully, in the days ahead, she’d have a chance to show him, because while he might not have been coming from a Biblical viewpoint when he’d talked about her being ashamed of her pregnancy, he’d been right. Since he’d been able to see the shame in her before, she hoped that he’d see the difference in her now.
Levi looked into Samantha’s puffy, red eyes. Her cheeks were flushed from her emotions, and though outward appearances seemed to indicate differently, he actually did believe she was okay. There was a sereneness on her face that he hadn’t seen before. It was a change that he welcomed, and yet questioned at the same time. He had a lot of questions, and he wasn’t entirely sure where to get his answers, but he knew where he could start.
“I need to go talk to her,” Samantha said as she got to her feet.
Amy went after Sammi as she made her way into the aisle. Levi followed Amy as they dodged betwe
en people moving the opposite direction out of the sanctuary. Samantha didn’t stop until she got near to the woman who had been speaking earlier.
Cami turned toward Samantha, her gaze taking in Samantha’s face before dropping to her belly. When she looked up again, understanding was clear on her face.
She opened her arms, and without hesitation, Sammi stepped into her embrace. Levi was close enough to hear Sammi say, “Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing.”
“Thank God for giving me the words.” When they stepped apart, Cami took Sammi’s face in her hands and smiled. “You are worthy. Do you believe that now?”
Sammi nodded. “I haven’t felt that way for several months, but I believe it now. Thank you.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sammi McFadden.” Samantha looked over her shoulder at him. “And this is Levi Weston, my baby’s father.”
Cami smiled at him with no judgment, only warmth, and friendliness, as she held out her hand to him. “It’s a pleasure to meet you both.” Her gaze moved back to Samantha. “I know how difficult a situation like this can be, but you are not alone. And I believe that God gives life.” She reached out to lightly brush her finger tips over Samantha’s belly. “He allowed this child to come to life, regardless of the circumstances. God can—and often does—bring beauty in the midst of the ashes.”
“I…I needed to hear that. Levi told me last week that I was ashamed of myself and therefore ashamed of our daughter. He was right. My guilt and shame have invaded every part of my life. I didn’t want to carry that shame anymore, and after tonight, I won’t. I knew better, you know. I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember, but when I allowed this to happen, all I could feel was the weight of the guilt.”
Believing in Tomorrow Page 25
