The mutilated pirate leaned in close to me and studied me like he was trying to figure out the answer to a difficult question.
“Ain’t never heard a revenant speak before,” he said.
“I’m full of surprises,” I said.
“Stowaways, sir,” the first ghost said.
“Are you the captain?” I asked. “I’d like to know if I’m talking to the spirit in charge.”
“I am Captain Louis F. Schroeder, the scourge of the Broken Lands, the raider of the Broken Sea, the scallywag of the depths. But most people call me Captain Half-Face.”
“Sorry about the stowaway business, Louie. We didn’t know this ship was ocupado. You ghosts are pretty sneaky on that front, aren’t you? If you’d kindly drop us off on the nearest island, we’ll be on our way.”
The pirate stroked his ratty blond half-of-beard. The devil monkey refused to make eye contact with me. It kept its head bowed. “Certainly,” the captain said. “I don’t see any problem with that. You made an honest mistake. Could happen to any of us.”
I shot Oswald a look. He seemed relieved. The little guy can get quite nervous. “Reasonable ghost pirates,” I said. “That’s a welcome change of pace. You have restored my faith in Pandemonium, sir.” I gave a little bow.
“Can I get you two any refreshments?” Captain Louie said. “Beer? Grog? Sardines?”
“If you have any Devil Boy, I wouldn’t mind a pint.”
“Do you have a chocolate tower?” Oswald said, and I kicked him.
The little monkey devil whispered in Captain Louie’s ear. The pirate listened, his eyebrows knitting together. Every now and then he’d nod in seeming agreement or laugh. The runt really chewed his ear off. (Not literally, though I was pretty sure he was responsible for Captain Half-Face’s half a face.)
Finally, the creature stopped jabbering and Captain Louie said, “He’s shy.”
The devil monkey again cast his eyes down.
“So how about that formaldehyde?” I said. “I imagine you fellas partake as well. Never mind the homunculus. He’s not used to ghost pirates.”
“Actually,” Captain Louie said, “Ned doesn’t want to drop you and your friend off. He wants us to kill you both.”
I coughed. Maybe I gagged. I’m not certain.
“Ned?” I pointed at the monkey. “He’s Ned?”
“He’s not usually like this, but he makes a great point.”
“He does, does he? And what’s his point?”
“He reminded me that The Phantom Clipper cannot stop until we’ve destroyed the red beast.”
“The red beast?”
“The Phantom Clipper has only one mission: to find the Red Kraken and kill it, as Ned here kindly reminded me.”
“In roaring, he shall rise and on the surface die,” a spirit said.
“Aye, every night we awaken and pick up the chase,” another called out.
“Do whatever you need to do at night,” I said. “We don’t mind. You can drop us off in the morning.”
Ned whispered in Captain Louie’s ear again. He nodded and agreed. “Ned says he’s changed his mind. We don’t have to kill you.”
“I’m glad he came to his senses. Thank you, Ned.” I bowed before the monkey devil, but he turned his back on me.
Captain Louie drew his sword and pointed it at us. “Lash the soulless one to the prow!” he commanded.
Three ghosts swooped out of the air and pounced on me. Before I could protest, my hands were pinned behind my back.
Oswald rushed the ghosts, but they grabbed him. They weren’t so incorporeal when they needed to be.
They all began chanting, “Kraken bait! Kraken bait! Kraken bait!”
“And this wee creature,” the captain said, nodding to Oswald, “toss him overboard.” And that’s just what they did. The homunculus went sailing over the side of the ship. I didn’t even hear the splash. The ship just went zipping through the water.
“You didn’t need to do that!” I shouted. “Sure, he’s annoying, but—”
They gagged me and then I was dragged toward the front of the ship. I tried kicking the spirits, but my leg went through them. They dangled me over the water, and I made the mistake of looking down. The Broken Sea crashed against the ship and sprayed me. I think I screamed.
4. Kraken Bait
I’ve never liked ghosts. You can’t trust them. They always have some gripe or mission or obsession. ShadowShade is full of spirits, hence the name, so I know what I’m talking about. My secretary, Lilith, is a specter. She’s always going on about being hammered to death. Let it go, honey. It happened centuries ago. But ghosts can’t let anything go. A kraken? A damn kraken? What the hell were they going after a sea monster for?
I had never seen one of the beasts before. I was sure I didn’t want to. At least they weren’t hunting Cthulhu.
They had tied me to the prow like a hog on a spit. The bad music and dancing started up again. It was a real ghost pirate dance party. But now it wasn’t such a fun, celebratory bash. It was more ominous and sinister.
They sang:
“Below the thunders of the upper deep,
Far, far beneath in the abysmal sea…”
Someone kept sounding that fookin gong. My stomach churned and my head pounded in sync with the clanging. Bong! Bong! Bong! I fell into a stupor and had nearly nodded off when the sea began to boil. The black water swelled, the waves rising and tossing. Something inside my guts swelled and churned. I readied myself to puke, but nothing came up.
The Broken Sea crashed all around me, soaking my poor suit. I rubbed the back of my head against the prow to push my fedora farther down. It was the only one I had. I could take losing Oswald, but not my hat. Why did I ever listen to that runt?
The pirates continued their chanting.
Wave upon wave besieged The Phantom Clipper. The ship rolled and pitched. I swallowed what must have been a gallon of seawater.
The ghost vessel climbed a swell and continued heading up, up, up the expanding sea wall. The beast rose from the depths, pulling the water toward the sky. Its dead, black eyes appeared first, and then its lumpy pink-red head. It was as if the Empire Snake Building was emerging from the sea. Soon, tentacles, fat and bloated, writhed in all directions like an army of giant snakes. Suckers the size of Studebakers. Its skin shined with an otherworldly glow.
The kraken was only fifty yards from the ship and we were heading straight for it. It slapped it tentacles at the water, first playfully, and then ruthlessly. A tidal wave sped toward The Phantom Clipper and I was right in the line of fire. The water punched me like a thunderbolt thrown by Zeus himself, and the ship flew a hundred feet into the air. When we crashed back down, I got another mouthful of saltwater.
Captain Louie now stood above me, shouting at the sea monster.
“In roaring, he shall rise and on the surface die!”
“Pipe down,” I said. “He might hear you, dunzy!”
The rest of the crew took up the chant. The devil monkey chittered and hopped up and down on the captain’s shoulder.
“In roaring, he shall rise and on the surface die!”
“In roaring, he shall rise and on the surface die!”
“In roaring, he shall rise and on the surface die!”
“You can let me go now!” I shouted. “The kraken’s here, you don’t need me anymore!”
The captain ignored me and hurled an obsidian spear at the beast. The kraken swatted it away like it was a twig. The ship rocked and rolled on fifty-foot waves. Water crashed all around us, but I could still hear that stupid gong. Others tried their hand at the spear-throwing. They rained down projectiles on the sea beast. The kraken swatted them all away with little effort. Was that all they had? After all this time, their only plan was to throw sticks at the thing?
When the kraken tired of batting spears, he batted The Phantom Clipper. A tentacle, like a giant pink tongue, rose, blocked out the moon, and came crashing down the middle of
the ship. The Clipper tried its best, but the poor thing had no other choice than to split in half. Beams and masts and sails exploded from the ship and sank into the sea. But the kraken was just getting started. Tentacles flew in a whirlwind. All I saw were red streaks and bits of the ship tumbling into the sea. Ever hear a ghost scream? It’s not something you’ll soon forget. I only ever heard something worse in Room 731.
The water devil was determined to reduce The Phantom Clipper to a toothpick. And even that toothpick was probably going to be smashed.
Eventually the prow, with me still lashed to it, broke off and fell into the churning water. At least I no longer heard that damn gong.
I don’t know what happened to the ghost pirates. Maybe without the ship, they disappeared, the boat acting like some battery giving them existence. I’m sure they weren’t harmed.
As for me? The bastards tied me well. Damn pirates are good with knots. Even ghost ones.
The prow eventually bobbed to the surface of the water. Unfortunately, I was on the underside, still submerged in the Broken Sea. This was it, I thought, stuck in the bloody drink forever. Thank you, Oswald! Ever since I hooked up with that damn homunculus I’ve had nothing but misery and annoyance. “You’re taking too much dust, Jack.” “You’re not a zombie if you don’t act like one, Jack.” “Don’t eat that fairy, Jack.”
I was beginning to get waterlogged, when I finally spun myself around.
I wasn’t completely uncomfortable riding atop that prow as it bobbed and rocked through the water. It did wonders for my back. As the hours rolled by, I amused myself by planning my revenge. I figured I’d hire a team of mystics, if I ever got back to ShadowShade, and hold a huge séance. Once all the spirits were conjured, I’d force them all to listen to my gong solo till the end of time. I was going to use that Ned as my mallet. What was that runt’s deal?
Something moved along the surface of the water. I didn’t have much range of vision. I could turn slightly to the left and right, but I didn’t see anything. The prow rose over a swell and when I reached the crest, I spotted a fin—a sharp, gray fin curved like a scimitar. I watched as it circled me.
Now there are many things in the Broken Sea besides krakens. You have your ghost dolphins, your whalewolves, devil porpoises, hydras, terrible dogfish, mega-jellyfish, mermaids and mermen, kelpies, selkies, sea hags, dinocrocs, Cthulhu, and satanic sea monkeys. The water is probably the worst place in Pandemonium where you could find yourself. Which is right where I found myself. Lucky me.
This wasn’t a ghost shark, since the fin was solid. That left one thing: a shark woman!
The most important thing to know about shark women is that there are no shark men. These fishy females are always on the hunt for a mate, and here I was, an incapacitated, black-blooded male. Easy pickings for a shark woman.
She continued to circle, the fin getting closer with each revolution. I worked my jaw. If she was going to eat me, I was going to do my best to eat her. A bite for a bite. I’m not usually a fan of seafood, but I could make an exception. After three circles, the fin disappeared.
Maybe she went away, realized I wasn’t such a good catch after all. I wasn’t the sort of guy anyone brought home to their mother, even as a meal.
No such luck.
The shark woman roared up from the depths and torpedoed into the prow, sending me ten feet into the air. When I came down, I was again under the water with the prow above me. I caught a murky glimpse of the creature as she swam toward me. She had the arms and face of a woman. Some may have even called her beautiful, if you didn’t mind the seaweed-colored hair and the gill slits beside her flat nose. Her lower half, though, was all shark. She smiled at me and all I could see were three rows of knife-like teeth.
The shark woman grabbed me and spun me back up to the surface. She then floated beside the prow. I didn’t move. I heard the best way to deal with a shark woman is to remain perfectly still. They react to movement.
She shook me. I went limp.
“Are you dead or something?” she said.
If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s playing dead.
The shark woman leaned over and kissed me on the lips.
I screamed.
“Hey, you’re alive!”
“Technically, no,” I said.
“A zombie?” She spit into the ocean as if she’d tasted something bad, like zombie lips.
“We don’t make the best meals.”
“What are you doing out here in the middle of the Broken Sea tied up like this? Are you into some weird bondage?”
“I ran into some ghost pirates, a devil monkey, and a kraken.”
“Sounds like a hell of a sex party.” The shark woman grinned.
“It had nothing to do with sex.”
“That’s a shame.”
“Not from my perspective.”
“From the looks of it, you could have used it.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You seem a bit uptight.”
“Well, I was almost killed by a giant sea monster not too long ago.”
“You were? You poor thing. You must be terrified.” The shark woman hugged me.
“I’m good,” I said. “You can let me go.”
She slowly released me from her powerful grip and stroked my arm. “A strong man. I like that. Can I feel your muscles?”
This shark woman must have been out to sea a long while. She was creepier than a virgin satyr at a prom.
“Is it true there are no shark men?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“Yes.”
“Why is that?”
“We ate them all.”
“Oh.”
“Once we mate, we bite the heads off our lovers. It’s our thing.”
“And you didn’t foresee a problem with eating your men?”
“We did. We just didn’t care. Shark men are jerks.”
“That sounds sexist.”
“It is sexy.”
“Not sexy. Sexist.”
“That’s what I said. By the way, what’s your sign?”
“I’m a cancer.”
“I should have figured that.”
“Would you mind untying me? I’d like to get back to land eventually. I’m not made for the sea.”
“Oh, sure. I’m amphibian, if you were wondering. Where do you live? Maybe I’ll come visit you.”
She went to work on the ropes with her knife teeth. The ropes didn’t stand a chance. When I was free, I slid off the prow and treaded water beside the shark woman.
“I move around a lot,” I said. I didn’t think it wise to give a shark woman my address.
“A traveling man, huh?’
“That’s me. I never stay in one place too long and I’d rather not stay in this blasted water any longer. If it’s not a bother, can you take me to shore?”
“What do I get in return?”
I was pretty sure I knew exactly what she wanted. “You can’t have my head. How about we hold hands?”
“Is that as far as you’re willing to go? I didn’t know zombies were such prudes.”
“Then I won’t admit that your kiss was my first.”
“Don’t ever admit that. It’s too sad. Jump on my back and I’ll take you wherever you want to go. I’ll think of something when we get to shore.”
I slipped my arms around the shark woman.
“I’m Georgina, by the way.”
“I’m Jack.”
“Nice to meet you, Jack. Now hold on tight. I move fast.”
“You don’t say?”
Georgina took off like a gun blast and I almost slammed my face into her fin.
“Are you into yoga, Jack?” the shark woman said as she sped through the dark water.
“What?
“Yoga. Tantric yoga. I’ve been studying it. Pretty interesting stuff.”
“I don’t mess with my ligaments on account of me being a corpse.”
“It might do y
ou some good, Jack. Limber you up. Then you might not be such a prude.” She flipped her tail up between my legs and giggled. If blood filled my veins, I would have blushed.
“You seem like a swell gal, but—”
I had a but, right? I searched my brain for it, but I couldn’t find an excuse to rebuff the shark woman’s advances. I didn’t even have a good enough reason for her not to bite my head off. Maybe there was no but.
“There’s someone else?” Georgina said. “You have an undead doll waiting for you on land?”
“Not exactly. I have a friend, a partner… He’s more of an associate really.”
“Oh?” she said with a weird accusatory rise in her voice.
“It’s not like that. We work together.”
“You two are close?”
“We used to be closer. He lived inside me for six months. Oh, that came out wrong.”
“Sounds right to me.”
“It isn’t what you’re thinking. He took up residence in a hollow part of my skull, without my permission, I may add.”
“Sounds like a kinky little guy. You two still together?”
“We’re not together. I’ve tried many times to get rid of him, but I can never shake him.”
“Sounds like you’re in denial, honey.”
I was about to say something, but I just let out a sigh. How can I explain Oswald? He’s unexplainable.
After a few awkward moments of silence, I spotted land, thank Lucifer.
Georgina bounced off the waves like a satanic sea monkey pursuing a sinner as she raced toward the beach at Coney Island. When she ran out of water, she dove and slid onto the sand. I went tumbling off the shark woman and crash-landed on a carpet of broken shells.
I stood and watched the shark woman rise onto her two back fins. She waddled over to me.
“Where’s your friend now?” she said.
“I didn’t say he was a friend.”
“Okay, you’re not in denial.”
“He’s gone.”
“You two broke up?” She smiled, clearly having fun with me now.
Dead Jack and the Pandemonium Device Page 3
