I shambled a bit faster, my bones creaking worse than ever. If this case didn’t kill me, nothing would, and that was unfortunate.
Another hunger pang gripped me. If I ate the hieracosphinx, I could get whatever was left of the three-headed dog, too. No! I was going to close this case without eating anyone or anything. Then I thought of Fine Flanagan. Technically, though, that was before the case began so it didn’t count.
Oswald would be proud, but then I thought how the little bugger always dismissed my plans and any nice feelings I had for him faded. Some people—especially homunculi—have no faith. And faith was all I had. I really had no idea how I’d find the baby. Winging it was my specialty.
I sniffed the air. I smelled the three-headed dog’s blood. It was intoxicating. My usually dry-as-dirt mouth salivated. Something wailed. A baby? It come from my right, just off the path by a knot of trees. At least I hoped they were trees. Monster Island, I was fast learning, had a few tricks up its sleeve.
It was stupid, but I left the path and pushed through the brush. When I entered the clearing, I found myself a little surprise. It was giving me the finger.
The baby IDB!
I laughed and laughed and laughed. I nearly dropped to the ground. I pumped my fist.
“Fook you, Oswald! Fook you to high hell! Zombie one, homunculus zero.”
To the baby, I said, “I knew we’d find you. It was logical. You know I’m your best chance to survive.”
The cherub gave me the finger with both hands. He twisted his chubby little fists and jabbed at the air like he was trying to pop a hole in it. He was really going to town with giving me the bird. “What’s the deal? I’m here to save you, dunzy. Would you rather get caught by those stupid leprechauns?”
I crept toward the IDB. He didn’t run away, which was good. I bent to pick up the little bundle of interdimensional joy, my back popping like bubble wrap. He vanished at the same moment I tripped the snare.
Whoosh! And I was hanging upside down ten feet above the ground.
Laughter. But not the good kind. They were clearly laughing at me.
“Smart zombie? Yeah, right.”
“Fookin idiot, if you ask me.”
Two leprechauns stepped out from behind a tree.
“We thought we’d never see ya rotten face again,” the rat-faced one with the bigger shit-eating grin said. He wore a pointy forest-green hat at a jaunty angle. I wanted so bad to knock that damn hat off his head.
“The Duke told us you were in the palace, but he wouldn’t let us pay you a visit. We had more urgent matters to attend to,” the clurichaun said. He, too, wore a pointy hat, a red one, but it wasn’t so jauntily worn. He was obviously the Beta Fairy.
“He assured us you’d die with the rest of Pandemonium. Me and Rory were so disappointed we didn’t get a chance to murder ya filthy self.”
“I figured out your plan and got here,” I said. “Not so dumb after all.”
“No, you’re dumb,” Rory said. “Don’t you know zombies can’t fly? We couldn’t believe it when we saw you sailing through the air. We had a good laugh over that.”
“And the Duke already has the last IDB and your friend, Zara Moonbeam. What was ya plan?” Jaunty said.
“It’s classified,” I said.
“Either way, in a half hour Pandemonium goes…” Jaunty made an explosion sound.
“Nice conjure with the baby, by the way. You fellas sure know your magic. How about letting me down?”
“Thanks. Liam”—that was the Jaunty One—“is working on his magic. He’s not as good as Flanagan was.”
“God rest his poor soul,” Rory said and bowed his head.
“God rest his poor soul,” Liam repeated and bowed his head, too. They had a moment of silence, which I broke. “Your pal is still with us,” I said. “I never shat him out. Stick around, though, and maybe you can be reunited.”
They both got as red as the clurichaun’s overcoat.
“I know the Duke is in a rush,” Liam said, “but we surely have time for some fun with this dirtbag.”
Liam’s shit-eating grin got a bunch shittier. He broke off a thick branch from a fallen tree, and Rory followed suit.
They worked me over as if I were a zombie piñata.
“Let’s see if a zombie cries,” one of them said. At that point, things got a bit blurry and confused.
One of the leps reared back and walloped me hard on the back.
All I kept thinking about was my poor suit. Forget a dry cleaning. I was going to need a elvish tailor.
They used my head like a tee. Crack! Crack! Crack! They broke my nose and set it back again, then broke it again. I never did cry of course, but they knew I wouldn’t.
“This is for Flanagan!” Whap!
“This is for crashing into me car!” Whap!
“This is for being a dirty, rotten corpse!” Whap!
“This is for stinking like the fish market in Chinatown!” Whap!
“This is for being a soulless fook!” Whap!
I slipped into unconsciousness before they tired themselves out.
21. The Pandemonium Device Is Fully Operational
When I awoke the first thing I saw was Zara Moonbeam.
“We have to stop meeting like this,” I said.
“Do you remember who you are this time?”
“I’m the mayor of ShadowShade.”
“Close enough.”
We were lashed to metal posts set in the ground. From the looks of things, we were high up on Skull Mountain and had front-row seats to the Duke’s cat massacre. About fifty yards in the distance, the infernal creatures had gathered around the glass jars containing the IDBs.
“Why didn’t those leps kill me?” I asked.
“The Duke wants us to see his little show. The egotistical maniac spent a lot of time cooking up this plan and we’re the only people outside of his lackeys who know about it.”
“Always the showman.”
The sky above Skull Mountain was the color of Lucifer’s rotten heart. Bloated, black clouds rolled by. It looked like rain and hail were in the forecast.
“Where’s Oswald?” I asked.
“He’s under the mountain.”
“That’s where they buried him?”
“No. He’s working on rescuing us.”
“Oh, is he now?”
“I got caught on purpose. Isn’t that what you did, too?”
I nodded. Maybe a bit too sharply.
“The rivers Mnemosyne and Lethe flow under the mountain,” Zara said. “The plan is for Oswald to get the water of forgetting and drench the Duke and his minions. They’ll forget their entire plan.”
“And how exactly is he going to drench dozens of demons atop a mountain? Walk over to each and piss on them?”
“He wasn’t sure about it. I’m hoping he’ll figure it out.”
“I’m sure he’s brainstorming right now. We need to get off these posts.”
The sky grew violent and hail began to fall. If the Duke didn’t kill us, we’d probably get swept off the mountain. That was a comfort.
I watched as the evil fookers parted and the Duke passed between them. He headed toward us with the swagger of a man who had just been given the keys to the kingdom.
With two of his largest demons flanking him, the Duke stopped before us. “I’m terribly disappointed in you two.” He shook his shiny, bald head in a dramatically slow way.
“I’ve been disappointing people since birth, pal,” I said. “Get in line. By the way, your plan will never work.”
“Not to brag, but I’m easily the smartest person in Pandemonium. It’s not even close. So, I think I know a teensy bit more than a brainless zombie.”
“Did you know your fly is open?” The Duke checked. It wasn’t open. I don’t even think he had a fly. “Outsmarted by a brainless zombie. Ha!”
The Duke gnashed his teeth. “The joke is on you, Jack. We’re going back to the Other World and you’re goin
g to Hell, for real this time. But isn’t that what you always wanted? See, we all win.” He turned to Zara. “You’re awfully quiet, my dear.”
Zara rolled her eyes and turned away.
“I gave you a chance, Jack,” the Duke said. “You are now just a spectator of the greatest show ever seen in Pandemonium. I hope you enjoy it. As for you, Zara, against my better judgment, I’ll give you one more opportunity. Come with me. You can’t imagine the life we will have together. A duke needs a duchess and I’d rather not see you destroyed along with the rabble.”
Zara gave her answer in the form of a loogie, right in the Duke’s eye. It slid down his cheek as he shook his head. He didn’t bother to wipe it off. He turned and left with his two minions.
“You could have tried sweet talking him,” I said when the Duke had returned to his staging area.
“I’m no good at it.”
“You don’t say?”
Straining and stretching my neck, I was able to make out the Pandemonium Device. It stood inside the circle of glass containers, a normal-looking black box about three feet high and six feet wide, except for Enochian forms etched on its surface. Thick, shiny black cables ran from the device into each of the vessels.
The Duke now stood in the circle next to the device.
The IDBs—including the baby—stood in their glass prisons, their heads slumped, their bodies slack.
“Loyal followers,” the Duke said, in a voice loud enough for all of Pandemonium to hear. “Soon we will be free from this prison. Soon we will return to the Other World and take our rightful place as its masters. Too long have we rotted here. Too long have we been caged. Too long have we endured this nightmare dimension.” I thought he was laying it on a bit too thick, but the demonic hordes ate it up. They howled and shouted and jeered in agreement.
I kept an eye out for Oswald, but I didn’t have much hope. How could he possibly carry all that water up here and splash all these creatures without being seen? It was ludicrous. But that was the best they could come up with when I wasn’t around. I almost blamed myself.
Each demon held a cat and a blade. I didn’t know what would be worse: watching Pandemonium be destroyed or watching all those cats get butchered.
Hunger gripped me worse than ever. It felt like my insides were twisting themselves into balloon animals. The shakes returned.
“Today we break the chains of oppression,” the Duke said. “Today we go home.” A thunderous roar exploded from the hordes. Hail rained down and pinged off the glass containers. When it hit the Pandemonium Device, the hail instantly disintegrated.
I took advantage of the shakes and shook and shimmied a bit more. I worked my left wrist hard against the ropes, trying to give myself the ol’ Indian rug burn. Slowly, my skin peeled off. I kept at it as the Duke continued to pontificate about being oppressed and trapped in this terrible dimension and how awesome everything was going to be for them in the Other World. Darkness and ice cream every day.
I scraped and scraped my wrist against the rough rope until I created a groove. I gave my left hand a hard tug. I smelled burning flesh.
“What are you doing?” Zara asked.
“Trying to pull my hand off.”
“Good thinking.”
“By the way, aren’t you a witch? Don’t you know any rope-breaking spells?”
“Gee, why didn’t I think of that? Abracadabra! Ropes, flee from my sight! Nope. Didn’t work. Pull your fookin hand off!”
I gave it all I had and I yanked and yanked until I heard a snap. Then a twist and my hand fell to the ground. I had no problem then sliding the rope off and freeing my left hand.
“You can get that back on, right?” Zara asked.
“Oh, sure.” It had been a while, though.
I swung my handless arm in front of me.
“What good is your arm without a hand?”
I nodded at the ground and Zara looked down as my hand crawled up my pant leg.
“Pretty creepy.”
“Pretty useful.”
“I won’t ask about the other uses.”
The hand crawled up to my other hand and quickly went to work on the rope.
“Nice going!” Zara said.
“Thanks. It really was nothing. Just the perks of being a reanimated corpse, I guess.”
“I wasn’t talking about you. Look!” She lifted her head to the sky.
I almost puked.
A hieracosphinx soared overhead and a very bloated Oswald sat atop its back. The little bastard!
At that moment, the Duke turned on the Pandemonium Device. It hummed to life with a deep rumbling that shook the ground. Bolts of lightning streaked across the insides of the glass containers and the IDBs writhed in pain.
“Hurry, Jack!” Zara said.
My severed hand was busily working on the rope, but it was knotted real good.
“I’m working on it.”
Oswald looked like a giant weather balloon. I couldn’t see his face, but I was sure he was smirking. Water shot out of his mouth like those fountains of naked babies and showered the demons at the edge of the circle. It wasn’t long before they took to the air to intercept Oswald.
“Fook!” Zara shouted.
“What is it?”
“Oswald is using the wrong water. Look! It’s white! That’s the water of Mnemosyne!”
“That little idiot. I knew he’d screw this up.”
I finally got my other hand free. I quickly untied my legs and then went to work freeing Zara.
All Oswald managed to do was piss off the infernal creatures, who didn’t need much goading in that direction. More took to the sky to chase after him.
I caught a glimpse at the interdimensional beings. They were shrinking as the machine sucked the life out of them.
The hieracosphinx swooped and dodged the demons. Oswald continued to spit at them, but the water only made them stronger and faster as they gained abilities they had forgotten.
“Stop!” Zara was shouting. “It’s the wrong water!” But Oswald was too far away to hear and having too much fun wetting the demons.
One demon broke from the pack and somersaulted headfirst into the hieracosphinx. All the water inside Oswald burst out and he went flying over the far side of the mountain. The hieracosphinx dropped straight to the ground. It tried to stand, but its legs were broken. A gaggle of demons pounced on it and tore it to shreds.
As I freed Zara, the hail fell harder and steam rose from the ground. The sky shimmered.
The Duke shouted and pointed at us. Three demons took off in our direction. I popped my hand back on.
“Now what?” Zara asked.
“We run.”
We both took off in the opposite direction from the demons. I slipped and slid on the smooth-as-glass terrain. The hailstorm didn’t help.
The hot, stinking breath of the demons tickled my neck. Their leathery wings cracked like shotguns blasts as they flew toward us. I ducked hailstones the size of orc fists and pulled my hat farther down on my head.
Zara stopped, turned, mumbled a few arcane words, and pulled the sledgehammer tattoo from her arm. She held up the iron hammer, reared back, and swatted a hailstone at the demons. It smacked the middle one right in the face. She swung again and hit another in the groin. The third demon tackled me.
We both went rolling down the mountain. I slammed into an outcropping at the mountain’s edge and the demon slammed into me. He was on his feet first. The demon spread its wings and stomped toward me, smoke puffing out its nose and ears. Hailstones rained down on the creature, but it didn’t seem to faze him. I picked one up and lobbed it at him. He swallowed the hailstone. Then he was on me. A taloned hand swatted me and I fell. The demon stood over me laughing. I slugged him on the jaw. He laughed harder. I got a real good look at his teeth. This guy obviously kept up his dental hygiene, because those were the whitest teeth I had ever seen. His breath wasn’t so hot, though.
“You don’t want to eat me,” I
said. “I’m spoiled.”
His huge, knotted head lunged at me. Then, suddenly, he froze. His face twisted in agony. I thought he was having a heart attack, but it was much worse. The demon’s abdomen bulged and tore open. Something emerged from his guts. Something black and lumpy. When it had made its way through, the black and lumpy thing looked up at me and said, “Hey, Jack, how’s it going?” I screamed.
The head that had burst through the demon’s stomach pulled back. The demon dropped to the ground and Camazotz stood before me, guts sliding off his face.
“You sure know how to make an entrance, Zotzy,” I said.
Behind the bat god, a battle raged in the sky.
The Duke’s minions were under attack from an army of Monster Island’s finest: hieracosphinxes, giant bats, hawkmen, waspmen, pegasi, gargoyles, unicorns. Most of the others I had no name for. Giant bats tore demons in half and devoured them right there in the sky. Dragons spit fire at vampires, incinerating them.
Camazotz pulled me up. “I brought my friends,” he said. “I thought you’d need the help.”
“I thought you abandoned us.”
“I’d never abandon a friend.”
“Okay, pal. Let’s finish this so I can get back home,” I said, and we headed back toward the summit.
The top of Skull Mountain was anarchy. Demons battled in the air and on the ground. Blood and wings and limbs and guts flew everywhere. A hawkman came screaming out of the sky and dropped dead right at my feet.
The Pandemonium Device still hummed along. The IDBs were about half their original size now, their bodies contorting and shriveling in their glass vessels.
The sky rippled. The mountain rumbled and began to split apart. Tiny fissures sprouted along the ground.
“We need to find the Duke,” I said, but Camazotz was gone. He liked doing that apparently. The guy must hate saying goodbye. I searched the sky and found him tearing apart a demon with his teeth.
I tried avoiding the battling monsters as I made my way toward the Pandemonium Device. The hum of the machine was deafening and the air around it was charged with static electricity. I didn’t see the Duke or Zara.
Dead Jack and the Pandemonium Device Page 12
