There was only one way to find out.
But her way wasn’t made easy. Having been sighted by some of the guests, Holly was put upon by those who wanted to wish her a joyous day of birth. She smiled politely and struggled to move away from them, heading back towards the main staircase so she could retreat upstairs and away from the crowd. In the heat of the house, with its blazing hearths and clusters of people, she was distinctly uncomfortable with the notice, pushing through the well-wishers to reach the staircase. Once she was able to mount the stairs, she quickly ran up the steps and to the floor above.
It was dark and quiet on this level, a relief from the cloying conditions below. Her father and sisters were down in the hall and the servants were helping with the guests, so there was no one to question or stop her as she dashed to her chamber, dimly lit by an oil lamp. Since her windows faced over the garden, the main gatehouse, and the road beyond, she climbed up on to the bench seat and peered from the windows, straining to see if she could catch a glimpse of the man she believed to be Rennington. Hadn’t he just told her he would meet her in the house? His actions made no sense to her at all.
In truth, Holly found that she was anxious and confused. He’d made no indication that he didn’t want to attend the feast with her. In fact, she thought he’d seemed pleased by the idea. He’d kissed her hand when they’d parted. That was not the action of a man who wanted nothing to do with her.
But perhaps he was simply being polite.
Perhaps, he was terribly upset by the news that she had been betrothed to his best friend simply because she had forced him to speak on something he had been clearly reluctant to speak on. Perhaps, somehow, in some way, she’d driven him away, insisting to know of Adam, forcing him to relive that pain. She’s pushed him and made unreasonable demands, only he’d been too kind to say so. Therefore, he was taking this opportunity to run from her, unwilling to give in to more of her demands to speak on a man they’d both loved.
With that knowledge, her heart sank.
She had all but chased him away.
As she watched the main gatehouse through the gently falling snow, eventually, she saw a horse and rider slip by. It was a brief flash, but she caught a glimpse of a dark rider and a dark horse in the torchlight, barely visible through the tumbling snowflakes. It had to be Rennington. The more she thought about him fleeing, the more depressed and saddened she became.
She hadn’t meant to chase him away but that was clearly what she had done. He had been kind and considerate, and she had quickly warmed to him in a way she’d not warmed to any man in her life. Even with Adam, it had taken time, but with Rennington – Ren – she had quickly fallen under his spell.
Yet, he’d made it clear he was uninterested in marriage because of a lost love. She, too, had been disinterested until she’d met him. Now, the thought of never seeing him ate at her, tearing on a heart that was already fragile. If only she could apologize to him for her behavior. If only she could tell him of her hopes. Even if the man wasn’t ready for marriage right away, perhaps someday he would be. She wanted a husband who made her feel intelligent and honored, who made her laugh, and who seemed interested in what she had to say. Rennington of Ashbourne had done all of those things.
She didn’t want to let him get away.
She had to go after him and beg his forgiveness but to follow him in this weather would be impossible. Still, she remembered something he had said…I have been sleeping in churches since my return from The Levant. Since he’d told her that he had seen her sisters at the cathedral in Derby, which was not too far away, perhaps he was returning there on this night. To try and travel anywhere else would have been foolish because of the terrible weather. Therefore, she could only assume that was where he had returned. Perhaps it was a foolish notion to go after the man, but she had to.
Something compelled her to.
Pulling on a heavy woolen cloak with rabbit fur lining, she fastened it tightly about her body and slipped from the house, out through the kitchen entrance that she was so fond of. As the snow continued to fall, she ran down to the stables where Olaf was most surprised to see her. Confirming that, in fact, a big knight had recently left the stables, Holly had the servant saddle her long-legged mare and, ignoring his protests, left her own party and headed off into the cold, snowy night.
She had to find Rennington.
He didn’t think he’d ever hate seeing a church so much. For the past year, since leaving The Levant, churches had been his friend and his shelter. But now, in looking at the cathedral in Derby, he couldn’t stand the sight of it.
But Rennington forced himself to enter, pushing open one of the massive doors and revealing the cold, cavernous hall beyond. A prayer service had just finished, this late at night, and people were spilling from the church as he entered. That same strong smell of rushes assaulted his nostrils, the scent of greenery that was so much a part of the Christmastide season and he wearily made his way back to the corner he had slept in the previous night. Somehow, that spot belonged to him now. It was the best he could ever hope for in life.
There were pilgrims all around, people who had sought shelter for the night, huddled up against the stone walls of the old church in a vain attempt to seek some warmth on this winter night, but Rennington ignored them for the most part. As long as they weren’t in the place he had returned to reclaim, he didn’t care a lick about them. At the moment, he was fairly dead in body and in spirit. He had a little jerky in his saddlebags and he intended to eat that and go to sleep. In the morning, he would leave Derby, never to return again.
He couldn’t take the guilt or the memories.
As he tossed his saddlebags to the ground against the wall and removed his cloak, his thoughts inevitably drifted to Holly. In the morning, he would attend mass and pray for forgiveness for what he’d tried to do to her, the bounty he’d tried to collect by way of tricking a beautiful and innocent woman into marriage. He’d lied to her, to her sisters, and had congratulated himself on his cleverness until the common bond of Adam Summerlin came to light. That dear friend who had meant so much to him had also meant a great deal to Holly.
Adam….
He’d pray for Adam’s forgiveness, as well, knowing he’d unmercifully targeted the man’s betrothed. He was so ashamed of what he’d done. But he cursed Adam, too, in a sense because the man had never given his “angel” a name. He’d spoken of her briefly but fondly, and Rennington had never known anything about the woman until tonight. Now, he knew too much. He saw what Adam saw in her and he was both sorry and heartbroken. He wondered if he’d ever be able to forget the woman.
So he spread his cloak onto the hard-packed earth and sat down, digging the jerky out of his saddlebags and chewing on it, trying to swallow it. It was like eating leather. After trying to choke down a few bites, he could no longer stomach it and tossed it back into his saddlebags. Wrapping himself up in his cloak, he closed his eyes and tried to claim some sleep. Tomorrow would be another lonely day in a lifetime of lonely days, something he was destined for.
Perhaps it was all that he deserved.
“Ren?”
A soft, sweet voice filled his head. Someone was calling his name. It took him a minute to realize he’d fallen asleep at some point and that the voice he heard was not in his dreams. It was real.
“Ren?”
He heard it again and, blinking his eyes of sleep, he rolled onto his back to see Holly standing a few feet away.
The cathedral was very dark and still, indicating the late hour. Still, there were a few torches burning, illuminating the dark corner of the enormous hall. Rennington could see Holly very clearly. Startled, he sat bolt upright, looking at the woman in shock.
“Lady Holly?” he said in disbelief. “What in the world are you doing here?”
She didn’t look happy; she was pale, her nose pinched red with the cold. She took a timid step towards him, her eyes wide with uncertainty. “That is what I was going to ask you,
” she said. “You were supposed to meet me in the hall.”
Rennington struggled to shake the sleep from his exhausted mind, realizing very quickly that the woman must have seen him leave. Or perhaps someone had told her. In any case, she was aware that he’d fled like a coward. More than that, in this horrible weather, she’d followed him and he was astonished to the bone that she would do such a thing. He could hardly believe his eyes.
“How did you find me?” he asked, avoiding her question. “Did you come alone?”
She nodded. “I am alone,” she said. “You had mentioned you’d met my sisters at the cathedral in Derby so I assumed you were returning to it. It was a guess, really. I truly didn’t know.”
He was still feeling an inordinate amount of disbelief. “So you followed me?”
“Aye.”
He couldn’t decide if he was more bewildered or more flattered. Aye, there was joy there, but it was short lived. The guilt he’d been struggling with hit him full bore and he sighed heavily, averting his gaze as he raked his hand through his dirty hair.
“You should not have come,” he said. “’Twas a dangerous thing for you to do.”
Holly pulled the cloak more tightly about her body. It had been a frozen ride from Thulston, even if it had been a short one, and her entire body was trembling with chill. But that didn’t matter; she’d been planning on the entire ride to Derby what she would say to Rennington when she found him. But now that the moment was upon her, she hardly knew where to begin.
“Mayhap it was,” she said again, licking her lips nervously. “But I was not thinking on the danger of it. I was thinking that I must have said something terribly dreadful to make you run away. I know that I was demanding in asking you to tell me of Adam and his death when you were clearly reluctant to speak of it, but you must understand that I have spent the past several months being driven mad with the lack of information on how Adam had died. But tonight… when I said I believed God had sent you to me to ease my mind, I truly believe that He did.”
“Why?”
“Because even with the brief information you gave me about the circumstances surrounding Adam’s death, I feel much more at peace than I did even a few hours ago,” she said. “You eased my mind and gave me comfort. But in the process of you giving me that precious gift, I have clearly offended you. I have come to beg your forgiveness for that, Sir Rennington. I am so very sorry.”
Rennington frowned as he realized why she’d come; it wasn’t to scold him or condemn him. She was shouldering some imaginary blame when it couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Gazing up at the women, his heart broke just a little bit. He couldn’t believe she actually believed she was guilty of offending him. But, more than that, she was being open and honest with him, which was something he’d never been with her. Well, at least for the most part. Since she was being so honest, perhaps it was time for him to be, as well. If he truly wanted God’s forgiveness for what he’d done, then he needed to start with a confession to Lady Holly.
That was where any forgiveness would begin.
“Nay, lady, you are wrong in your assumption,” he said quietly. “You have done nothing to offend me, I assure you. Will you please sit? There is something I must tell you.”
Holly dutifully moved to his side, sitting down on the corner of his cloak that he was indicating. All the while, Rennington couldn’t take his eyes from her, rolling over in his mind how, exactly he would tell her what a horrible man he’d been. It was a considerable effort to swallow his pride, but it was necessary. Yet, the truth was that he had no pride left at all and hadn’t since he’d set out to trap the woman into marriage.
He was a man without honor.
“I suppose it is appropriate that we are in a church because I have a confession,” he began. “You must understand something about me, my lady. I am a horrible man.”
Holly’s brow furrowed. “I am sure that is not true,” she insisted. “Why would you say such a thing?”
He held up a hand to beg her patience for what he needed to say. “I left Thulston because I had to,” he said. “You see… I went there tonight with a purpose in mind and it was not the purpose I told you. I told you that I had dreamt about you and that was not true. I told you that to make my way into your confidence, to earn your trust. I told you that to endear myself to you because I wanted you to find me pleasing. The truth is that I went to Thulston tonight with the sole purpose of marrying you. I know I told you that I had no desire to wed because I had lost the only woman I loved, but that, too, was a lie. I have never been betrothed and I have never loved a woman. I said it so that you would feel pity for me. I said it because I knew, from your sisters, that you had lost your betrothed and I thought that if you believed I, too, had lost my love, that it would give us a common ground.”
By this time, Holly was looking at him with a mixture of disbelief and disappointment. “You… you lied?”
He nodded. “About that, I did,” he said. “What I did not lie about was Adam Summerlin as my best friend. That was completely coincidental. Up until that point, I was fairly convinced that I had charmed you sufficiently to the point that you might agree to a suit from me. That was my goal, after all, but when we discovered our mutual love for the same man… my lady, at that moment, I realized just how unscrupulous and desperate I had been. You had been kind and gracious, and I had been a snake. Aye, Adam was my best friend and when I realized that you were his angel, I knew at that moment just how horrible I was. You wanted me to go to the hall with you and dance, and I knew that it might lead to something more between us. But I could not go through with it. For Adam’s sake and for your sake, as well as my own, I could not go through with it. And that is why I fled, Lady Holly. Now you know the truth. You were almost set upon by one of those predatory males you had been warned about.”
Holly was looking at him, wide-eyed through his confession. He gazed back at the woman, prepared to accept her scolding and anger. He deserved all of it and more. More than that, he was deeply sorry that she would end up hating him. In spite of his dishonest heart, there was one thing that had been real – his attraction to her. He knew that, without question.
“But… I do not understand,” she finally said. “Why me? Why would you seek me out with the intention of betraying me?”
He sighed heavily, unable to look into her sorrowful face. “Because I heard your sisters when they were here at the cathedral yesterday,” he said. “They spoke of you as your father’s heiress and they were terribly disappointed that you had no desire to marry. It seems that they cannot marry if you do not marry first, as the eldest.”
Holly’s eyebrows lifted in outrage. “Then they did tell you to come to me!” she seethed. “They are in this – this deceit with you!”
He shook his head quickly. “Nay,” he assured her. “They are not a party to this. This is of my own doing. I heard what they said about you and created my own plan. My lady… you will never know how sorry I am for my actions. You are a beautiful, decent woman and if it matters at all, I believe that you should marry. You will make some man an excellent wife. And I believe that is what Adam would have wished for you.”
Her flash of anger had faded and she was looking at him again with sorrow on her features. It seemed that the woman’s life, as of late, had been full of disappointment and Rennington was very sorry to have contributed to her grief. After several moments of pondering his deceit, she looked away from him.
“I am certain he would have,” she said. “But I was hoping… it seems foolish to say this now that you have confessed your treachery, but for the first time since hearing of Adam’s death, tonight, I felt some hope that mayhap I could find attraction with another. Mayhap you set out to trick me into marriage, but what you did was make me feel something. You made me realized that my ability to be attracted to another man did not die with Adam and, for that, I am grateful. Even if you did not mean to draw me to you, that is what you did.”<
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Rennington watched her stand up, her movements lethargic and slow. But it wasn’t so much her movements he was contemplating as what she had said – you made me feel something. Dear God, was it true? Was she genuinely attracted to him because, for certain, he knew that he was attracted to her. The more he looked at her, the more he could feel that tugging in his chest that told him he didn’t want her to leave. Dare he even hope that she could forgive him, that they could move past this?
“Holly,” he said, his voice soft and earnest. “Mayhap I should explain to you… my upbringing was cold at best – a father who demanded the world from his sons. We were four brothers who constantly tried to best one another to please a father who could not be pleased, spending our lives in competition with each other. Until I left home to foster, I never even knew that men could be kind to one another. Adam was the kindest man I had ever met.”
She couldn’t help but agree. “He was very kind and generous.”
Somehow, her statement made him feel even more unworthy. He looked at his hands. “What happened today…,” he began. “Although I do not make excuses, that was behavior from my past, behavior that would cause me to do anything to be richer and more powerful than my brothers. I wanted to trap you into marriage because I wanted to share your fortune but, most of all, I wanted to marry you so I could have someplace to belong. I wanted a place to call home. However, the man inside of me who was taught the value of honor later in life couldn’t go through with such a plan, which is why I fled. I know it is foolish to ask for your forgiveness, but I do. Adam was correct when he called you an angel, for you are. You are everything a man could want in a wife and then some.”
Holly listened to his rather impassioned speech, her gaze guarded. He sounded so very sincere and she wanted to believe him, but there was something in her way, something preventing her from believing him completely. Was it confusion? Self-protection? She wasn’t sure. After a moment, she shook her head.
“I am wondering how I can believe your word after what you have just told me,” she said quietly. “You could well be spouting more lies.”
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