THE CATERPILLARS QUESTION
Piers Anthony
Philip Jose Farmer
Piers Anthony, Philip Jose Farmer
THE CATERPILLARS QUESTION
"Who are you?" the Caterpillar said "I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir," said Alice, "because I'm not myself, you see." -Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
THEY had told Jack they thought it was psychosomatic. She could talk if she wanted to, and might even recover the sight of one eye. But it had taken seven years to obtain the grant from the foundation, and now she was thirteen.
He glanced at her, sitting tight and stiff in the passenger bucket.
Her dark hair was cut so short it was boyish, but the gentle bulges in the heavy man's shirt she wore belied any boyhood or childhood. One hand toyed indifferently with the buckle of the seat belt, and under her cotton skirt the shiny length of a metal brace paralleled her left leg. Her sharp chin pointed forward, but of course she was not watching anything.
The horn of the car behind him blared as the light changed. Jack shifted and edged out, waiting for the string of late left-fumers to clear. He wasn't even certain which city this was; the hours of silent driving had grown monotonous.
"Are you ready to stop, Tappy?" But she did not answer or make any sign. He knew she heard and understood-but he was still a stranger, and she was afraid. Had they even bothered to tell her where she was going, or why?
Concord, maimed at the age of six, in the accident that killed her father. She had never known her mother, and the kin that took her in had not been pleased very long with THEIR burden. Jack had no doubt they had made this plain to girl many times.
THEY PULLED into a roadside restaurant. His job was to transport HER to the clinic. She couldn't cover a thousand miles Without eating. -WHy hadn't they sent her by plane, so that all this driving was Necessary? No, the plane was out of the question. Tappy surely remembered that last trip in her father's little flier. Apparently there had been a miscalculation, and they had crashed. Jack had not inquired about the details, for Tappy had been there listening, and he had never been one for pointless cruelty.
He got out, opened her door, unsnapped her seat belt, slipped his hands under her arms, and lifted her to her feet. They had warned him about this, too: there was often no way to make her come except to make her come. Anywhere. Otherwise she might simply sit there indefinitely, staring sightlessly ahead. He felt awkward, putting his hands on her, but she did not seem to notice.
He guided her firmly by the elbow and stopped at the little sign pointing to the ladies' room, not certain whether the girl knew her way around public facilities, and doubtful what he'd do if she didn't. He had to ask her, rather awkwardly because of the people passing nearby, and she shook her head no. Was it wisest to treat her as a child or as a woman? The difference was important the moment they left the isolation of the car. He decided on the latter, at least in public places.
They took a corner table, enduring the interminable wait for their order. He was super-conscious of the glances of others, but Tappy seemed oblivious to her surroundings. She kept her hands in her lap, eyes downcast and he saw too clearly the narrow white scar that crossed one eye and terminated at the mutilated ear. What did his petty embarrassment mean, compared to her problems?
"Lookit that girl's ear's gone!" exclaimed a younger boy at a neighboring table, his voice startlingly loud. There was a fierce shushing that was worse than the remark because it confirmed its accuracy. Heads turned, first toward the boy, then toward the object of the boy's curiosity.
A slow tear started down Tappy's left cheek.
Jack stood up so suddenly that his chair crashed backward, and he stepped around the table and caught her arm and brought her out of that place. It was as if he had tunnel vision; all he saw was the escape route, the room and people fuzzing out at the periphery. They made it to the car, strapped in, and he drove, arrowing down the highway at a dangerous velocity. He was first numb, then furious-but he wasn't sure at what.
Gradually he cooled, and knew that the worst of the situation had been his own reaction. It was too late to undo what damage he might have done, but he could at least be guided more sensibly henceforth. He schooled himself not to react like that, no matter what happened next time.
But first he had something more difficult to do. "Tappy, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I just-" He faltered, for she was not reacting at all. "I'm sorry."
She might as well have been a statue.
At dusk, starving, he drew up to a motel and left Tappy in the seat while he registered for two rooms. He took her to one of them and sat her on the bed. He crossed the street and bought a six-pack of fruit drinks and two submarine sandwiches for their supper. Class fare it was not, but it was all he could think of at the moment.
He set things up precariously on the bed in her room, and was glad to see that she had a good appetite. She evidently was not used to this particular menu, but was experienced with bedroom meals. His pleasure became concern as he thought about it. Had they ever let her eat at the table, family style? He could see why they might not have, but it bothered him anyway. There was a human being inside that tortured shell!
His thoughts drifted to his own motives. Why had he taken this job? A week before he'd have laughed if someone had predicted he'd be sitting on a motel bed eating supper with a blind girl almost ten years his junior. But he hadn't realized how hard it would be for a budding artist with one year of college to get a decent summer job.
Jack had kicked around for two, three years-he didn't know exactly where the time went-before running into Donna. Then suddenly he had the need to make something of himself. So he went to college and studied art. Did okay, too; he did have talent. But by the time he got it together, Donna had drifted elsewhere. He never even got to tell her of the effect she had on his motivation. He grieved, of course, and considered giving it up. But he discovered that life did go on, and there might even be other girls on the horizon.
Meanwhile, he needed wherewithal to continue college; that kept him busy around the edges. He soon realized that he was not likely to make it by washing dishes at joints that had never heard of the minimum wage scale, or changing tires for tips, or taking any of the other menial positions for which one year of art seemed to qualify him.
The ad had offered a thousand dollars plus liberal expenses and- the use of a good car for one week's light work. It had seemed too good to be true, and he was amazed to learn that the job hadn't been taken. No, it didn't involve drugs or anything illegal; it was just chauffeuring. If he had a valid license and a good record ...
Jack had little else, but he did have those. He valued his potential career as a world-famous artist too much to mess it up with bad driving. He liked to travel; every new region was grist for his painting.
The job was to deliver Tappy to the clinic across the country.
He assumed that it was legal for him to transport this child, or they would not have hired him. He needed the money, and didn't ask too many questions. He had had no idea that jobs like this existed! If he could find a couple more like this, at similar pay scales, his next year of college would be assured.
They had covered four hundred miles today. At this rate he'd have Tappy at the clinic the day after tomorrow, and could be back two days early. The pay was for the job, not the time, so he had nothing to lose by being prompt. If the girl didn't talk, at least she wasn't much trouble. After this he'd get sandwiches and they'd eat in the car, avoiding restaurants entirely.
Jack cleaned up the mess of crumbs and told Tappy he'd check on her in the morning. "You can find your way around the room okay? Bathroom's in
a straight line from the bed, and there's a RADIO. I'M, IN THE NEXT UNIT IF YOU need me. Just yell."
He paused, embarrassed, remembering that SHE WAS MUTE OR
chose to be. "I mean you can bang on the wall or something. That okay?" Slowly she nodded, and he was relieved. She responded so little that he was never quite sure she understood him. "Good.
Now get some sleep. I'll knock before I come in, so I won't catch you by surprise." That was his concession to the woman aspect of her; she had to have time to cover up if she happened to be changing.
It all seemed simple enough.
But in the morning he found her sitting there still, shivering, the moisture squeezing hopelessly out of one eye. She might have moved about during the night, but the dark patches under her eyes showed she had not slept.
"Why?" he demanded incredulously. "Why didn't you summon me, if you couldn't sleep?"
She answered him only with that catatonic passivity, and a tear.
Evidently there was something he had missed.
He told her to go to the bathroom while he fetched breakfast, and she did. He told her to change her clothing while he faced into a corner, and she did. He no longer trusted her to do things in his absence, but he intended to treat her with propriety. They ate, and got back on the road.
Jack pondered the event of the night as he drove, deeply disturbed. He had not mistreated Tappy, and there had been no trouble, except for the business at the restaurant. He had spoken to her and had supper with her, and she had not been crying then. She didn't seem to be afraid of him, though he wouldn't have blamed her for that. Indifferent, perhaps, but not fearful. So what was bothering her?
He was taking her to the clinic that might be able to give back her sight and make her talk. She should be happy.
"Don't you want to see again?" he asked her. "I mean, there's all kinds of scenery out here. We're in New York State now-"
She turned suddenly toward him, startling him into silence. He glanced at her, but her face showed no emotion. After a moment she straightened out again.
There was something! This was her first voluntary response to him. She had reacted to something he had said. Was it his question about her sight?
"You do want to see?" he repeated. But this time there was no reaction. Apparently she had acted without thought, but now she had clamped down again.
She couldn't want to stay blind! Maybe his question had deserved no answer. Yet she had reacted. There had to be something else. Something she knew that he didn't.
Was it really a clinic she was destined for? Or had that been something they told him to obtain his cooperation? Now that he thought about it, there were a number of funny things about this whole arrangement. If they had so much money for specialists, and enough to pay him so generously for unskilled labor, why hadn't they done something about her ear? Comparatively minor cosmetic surgery could have eliminated most of the scar tissue on her face, too. And there had to be something better than that ugly metal brace on her leg. She wasn't paralytic; the leg should have mended by now.
. And why hadn't they hired a professional nurse for this trip?
nurses could drive. This was a gearshift car, but only because he had asked for it; he preferred to do his own driving. They would have gotten an automatic shift for a nurse. Why had they been so happy to trust him, a male stranger? They had hardly checked his credentials, which were minimal. The only virtue he seemed to have was ignorance. Yet for three days Tappy was in his hands. Anything could happen. Legally she was still a child, but she was a woman-child.
He drove on, no longer in a hurry. The doubt kept spiraling through his mind, growing uglier with every loop. If not a clinic, what?
Tappy wouldn't talk to him,"so he talked to her, just to keep his mind off whatever unthinkable thing it sought. Maybe it was to inhibit his own suspicions. He read out the stupid billboards as they threaded their way through the complex of Schenectady, Albany, and Troy. He cussed out the other drivers. He kept up a meaningless monologue. Anything to fill the air with sound and keep his mind at bay.
Deviating Jack did not allow himself to wonder why he was ( * * from the direct route marked on his map. He just drove where the scenery looked best.
Finally, as evening came to the highway, he felt a soft touch on his arm. He looked, and found her slumped like a straw doll, sleeping.
This was the supreme compliment. Tappy would not speak, but she now trusted him enough to sleep.
Jack realized then, coincidentally, why she had reacted when he talked to her initially. It had been the first time he had spoken to her without an imperative. He had started to describe the scenery they were passing. Perhaps it had been a long time since anyone had talked to her about anything that might interest her, however slightly.
He drove more carefully then, winding around the curves as the mountain ridge loomed high ahead, marking the physique of the state of Vermont. Just before the road seemed fated to plunge suicidally into the sheer wall of mountain, it spun aside, and there was a pretty town. He found a motel and stopped.
She was sleeping as he carried her into the unit and placed her on the bed. He took off her shoes, having a little trouble with the brace; the metal passed all the way under the foot and was awkward to get around. Tappy's feet and legs were well formed.
however, and though she was light, her skeletal structure was good. She would have a handsome figure when she filled out, if only something could be done about her injuries, both physical and emotional.
Jack left her and turned out the light as he closed the door.
Sleep was more important than food at the moment. He hoped she would lie undisturbed until morning.
She did and she didn't. In the night he woke, hearing a voice.
Someone was in Tappy's room. He went there, but there was no one. Tappy was lying on the bed-and talking. The words were slurred, almost indistinguishable.
He paused, realizing that she was not awake. She was talking in her sleep! That was the one time her emotional barrier was down, and her voice was freed.
Then out of that seeming gibberish, some words appeared.
He listened, fascinated. "Empire of the stars," she said, if he understood correctly. Then: "Reality is a dream."
But after that she turned over, and there were no more words.
He withdrew, excited. So what if she was muttering about some television program she had overheard? She could talk!
Next day they toured the great Green Mountains, the car's little engine laboring in a lower gear to manage the steep ascents. That was all right; he was no longer in a hurry, and they could proceed as slowly as they wanted. He continued to call out the view, and though Tappy did not turn her face to him again, he could tell by her alertness that she was interested.
He spoke of the old elms and maples, the mossy rocks, the near and distant mountain slopes covered with green foliage like thickly woven rugs. They passed a ski run-a long bare swath running Up the side of one of the higher peaks, resembling a scar.
And she was crying again, in her silent way. The scar-why hadn't he kept his brain connected enough to stifle that analogy before it was spoken! His description lapsed; he couldn't think of any apology that would not hurt her more.
He understood now that her passive attitude concealed an extremely sensitive nature. Yet perhaps there was a positive --.-aspect, for at least she was now showing her emotion. He : had spoken to her, and gained her interest, thereby making her vulnerable. If he could hurt her, could he not also help her, if he found the right words?
They should have passed on through the Green Mountains and headed for New Hampshire, but Tappy seemed to be coming alive.
Her head turned to the north, and her blind eyes became round.
What was she trying to see? Jack remembered her words of the night, and decided to learn more of this if he could. He brought the car about, returned to the last intersection, and turned north.
Tappy's head now faced
straight ahead; there was no doubt she was orienting on something, and it was independent of the motion of the car. What could it be?
He followed the direction of her gaze until it turned to the side.
There was now no road where she looked, but her excitement suggested that the thing was fairly close.
At noon he pulled into a motel consisting of a row of ramshackle cabins. He thought it was deserted, and he only intended to search for some fresh water for lunch, and perhaps to see exactly %,here Tappy's fascination lay. But presently a man ambled out.
He was dressed in high-fronted jeans, a style Jack had thought only picture-book farmers affected. They were in the hinterlands now!
"Don't get much business hereabout, this time o' year," the man remarked amiably. He spoke with a rich backwoods accent that also caught Jack off guard. " 'M the caretaker. but I can fix you up with a cabin if you like."
"Two, if you please," Jack said. After all, he couldn't drive forever. Tomorrow was time enough to deliver Tappy. "There's a girl with me."
"Av-uh," the man said amrmatively. "Saw her. Two'll cost you double, you know. Don't have to spend it."
Jack smiled at his candor. "It isn't my money," he said, as though that made everything all right. He accepted the keys to the two Cabins. Then a thought gave him pause. "Do you have any books? I mean simple ones, to be read aloud? Like a children's book, or-?"
The man scratched his hairy head. "Well, now. There's some things the tourists forgot." Evidently the two of them didn't rank as tourists, which was probably for the best. Jack no longer detected much accent in the caretaker. The man wandered into a back room while Jack waited at the door, and sounds of rummaging drifted out. At length he emerged with a slim volume.
"Don't know about this one," he admitted. "First I come to. If it don't suit, there's others."
Jack read the title: The Little Prince, by one Antoine de SaintExupdry. He had never heard of the man. "I'll give it a try. What do I owe you?" The man declined money for the book, to his surprise, and he went to escort Tappy to her cabin.
THE CATERPILLARS QUESTION Page 1
