by J. Saman
I don’t know what to say to that. I’m overwhelmed by it. By him.
I just know I need to kiss him.
My eyes lock with his and I lean in ever so slightly. Just enough to let him know exactly what my intention is. Finn blinks, his eyes dropping down to my lips and then back up to mine. My stomach coils with anticipation. With want. He leans in too, tilting his head, and even smiling a little. Just as our lips are about to meet in what I know will be the best kiss of my life, his phone rings in his lap.
But instead of silencing it or chucking it across the room and devouring my mouth, he pulls back and checks it. And then after he does that, he answers it with, “Dr. Banner.”
This is what I meant when I said to him two steps forward and one step back. When I forced myself to believe I was done.
Every time we get somewhere, he puts the brakes on. Every time I think, yes, this is the moment–it’s not. I’m so very tired of it. I don’t do well with in-between. I think I told him that. Indecision and I have never been friends.
And we’re certainly not about to become them now. I don’t care how good he looks with his shirt off. Or the fact that he comforted me, brought me home and kept me safe. Or that he saved my life and stitched up my arm. Or even the fact he made my fucking bed.
I do not care.
I’ve had enough.
I. Am. Not. That. Brainless. Girl!
Finn continues his conversation which really isn’t all that important. I can hear what they’re saying. They’re asking if he can come in a little early for his shift and he’s saying yes. That’s it. That’s what broke up our potential first kiss. An inconsequential phone call. Something that could have been managed over a text.
But in the back of my mind, I know he did it on purpose.
I realize he didn’t have someone call him at that precise moment, but I bet he was relieved it came. Finn has been pushing me off this thing between us since the very start. We’re talking months here, if I don’t count our initial meeting.
It’s time I take the goddamn hint.
I get up off my bed and move away from him. I stand over by my bedroom door and I wait for him to finish his call. It doesn’t take long. As I said, it wasn’t all that important.
“That was work,” he says after he ends it, like I needed him to actually tell me that. “I need to get going.”
I nod. I’m pissed off. Completely exasperated. “Sounds like it.”
Finn rises, watching me like he’s not sure what to do with me now. I solve his dilemma for him. Spinning around, I march out of my bedroom and over to my front door, fully expecting him to follow me. He does, but it takes him a second or two.
“Have a good shift,” I say as he approaches. “Thanks again for last night.”
I open the door, but he stops in front of me, peering down at me in silence. He’s conflicted. Like he’s waging some sort of inner battle with himself. Only I don’t think there are any winners in this case. I think no matter what, I lose. Because if he kisses me, he’ll regret it. And if he doesn’t…well, then he doesn’t, and I end up feeling the same way I feel whenever he’s blown through me like the tornado he is.
But his eyes right now. God, I don’t know what to do with them. I’m desperate to look away or shift or something because he’s intimidating me with their intensity. But I don’t do any of that. I hold that stare, daring him to do…something. Do something, Finn.
But all he does is sigh and shake his head, once again finding his resolve as he says, “See you around, Gia.”
And then he leaves. He doesn’t even turn around or look back. I know because I watch him until he disappears around the corner on my floor. I wait to shut the door until I hear the ding of the elevator.
“Goodbye Finn,” I say to myself as I lock the door. I flip the deadbolt and latch the chain because I’m just that angry.
I’ve never met a more frustrating man. Every guy I’ve ever gone out with, other than in high school or middle school where they’re just too immature to get out of their own way, has been direct. Either they want you or they don’t. Either they kiss you or they make it clear they’re not feeling it.
And sure, they might do the whole, I don’t want a relationship thing. They might say they only want something casual. Like Colin. He did that and I was cool with it because I knew where we stood and I was in the same mindset.
But I want Finn Banner.
And I know Finn Banner wants me.
So just what the absolute fuck is his problem?
Chapter 12
Finn
Six years ago
I walk out of my genetics final with a huge smile on my face. I aced it. I know I did. And that was probably the hardest test I’ve ever taken. No lie. I start my internship with the pharmaceutical company in a week, which means I have exactly seven days with absolutely no responsibility and nothing to do other than live inside Kelly.
In two weeks, we’ll have officially been together for a year and it’s been without a doubt the best year of my life. All of the pain and guilt surrounding my father’s death is gone. My mother is doing really well and is actually seeing someone who is good to her.
And I have Kelly.
Kelly who is running across the quad in my direction this very moment. A broad beaming smile spreads across my face as I see her long blonde hair whip behind her. Those gorgeous brown eyes sparkling against the sun. Her thin, petite frame, moving like a gazelle until she reaches me, launching herself up into my arms.
I catch her automatically and plant my lips on hers. I kiss the hell out of her because even though it’s only been eight hours since I saw her last, I missed her. Damn, I am such a pussy-whipped, lovesick fool. I don’t even care. Not one bit. In fact, it makes me blissfully happy.
Just like Kelly.
She’s the first and only thing to ever make me happy. To ever make me feel loved and I will do everything I can to keep her. To make her happy in return. To fucking worship her.
She pulls back with a breathless laugh. “How’d it go?”
“Aced it,” I say and she smiles even bigger.
“I knew it.” She gives me another kiss and then jumps out of my arms, taking my hand and leading me away from campus. “And because I knew you’d ace your final, I’m taking you out for dinner to celebrate.”
“Oh baby,” I kiss the side of her head. “You don’t have to do that.”
She shakes her head. “It’s fine. I’ve got it. No complaints.”
Kelly does not have a lot of money. In fact, the first time my mother met her, she referred to her as a gold-digging whore. Not to her face, of course. That conversation came later. But Kelly is no gold-digging whore. She works hard as an administrative assistant for a medium-sized law firm. She makes okay money, but in New York, okay money is basically nothing.
She shares an apartment with two other girls and the apartment is a tiny two-bedroom. I offered for her to move in with me, but she said she didn’t want us to take that step based on financial convenience. See, not a gold digger.
No, Kelly is perfect.
Which is why I’m going to ask her again to move in with me tonight.
The entire time we’re at dinner, I’m debating how to do it. Do I just come out and ask her? Should I make some big romantic gesture with it like having a special key made for her? I don’t know. I’m new at this. I never wanted to live with anyone before Kelly.
I decide not to do it at dinner. Instead, I bring her home with me and the moment we step over the threshold of my apartment, I kiss her. She giggles into my lips, because I didn’t even wait until I shut and locked the door behind us. She’s giggling because Kelly loves it when I do this sort of thing.
“Move in with me,” I say against her lips.
She pauses and pulls back, her doe-like eyes blinking at me. “Really?”
I nod. “Yes. I’ve never been so sure about anything. I want us to live t
ogether.”
The most breathtaking smile lights up her face and then she kisses me. “Yes! Hell yes!”
She giggles into my mouth again and I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before. “I love you,” I say.
“I love you too, Finn.”
I make love to Kelly in our bed, because it’s no longer just my bed. We also do it in the shower and the kitchen because those are both ours now too. But after the kitchen sex, she ends up throwing up in our sink.
“Jesus, baby. You okay?”
“Oh god,” she moans. “I don’t know. Can you get food poisoning from chicken this fast?”
“No,” I say, rubbing my hand in small circles on her back. “We ate only three hours ago. What else did you have?”
She shakes her head, holding up a finger which tells me to wait a minute as she dry heaves into the sink again. And even though I love Kelly and I’m going to be a doctor, this is sort of nasty. I mean, it’s the sink. We wash dishes in there and we don’t have a disposal or anything.
“Nothing. I haven’t eaten anything all day before dinner. My stomach felt a little off. Maybe I’m getting the stomach flu.”
“Maybe you’re pregnant.” I laugh, but Kelly doesn’t laugh with me. Instead she turns to face me, her cheeks flushed and a small amount of drool is clinging to her chin. She just stares at me with wide, unblinking eyes. “Are you?”
She shakes her head, but it’s not the sort of headshake which says no. It’s the sort of headshake that says, oh shit. “I missed two pills earlier last month.”
“Okay,” I draw out the word.
“But I tripled up. I called my GYN’s office and they said that would be fine.”
“When was your last period?”
“I haven’t had one in years, Finn. I’m on the pill that you don’t get one with.”
“Should we get a test?”
Kelly looks like she’s going to be sick again, but I don’t think it has anything to do with her stomach.
Me? I’m not sick at all.
In fact, I think I might just be a touch excited by the prospect. Sure, the timing isn’t all that great. I just finished up my third year of medical school, but money isn’t an issue for me and it’s not like we’re teenagers. I’m twenty-four and she’s twenty-seven and we’re in love.
“I’m scared to.”
“Oh baby, come here.” I take her into my arms even though she smells like vomit. We’re both standing naked in the kitchen because we just finished with our kitchen sex and now we’re talking about the possibility of being pregnant. “It’s going to be okay. Better than okay. We can handle this. Whatever this is, we can do it. I love you.”
Kelly pulls back and looks at me. Then she smiles. “Okay, Finn. Let’s get a test. I love you and we’re going to be fine. Everything will be fine.”
Chapter 13
Finn
Present Day
“You’re coming upstairs with me,” Mike says as he stands there, staring down at me. He’s getting more annoyed by the second, but I never invited him over and I certainly never said I was going to go to that stupid party with him.
I don’t respond as I lean back on my sofa, sipping on my imported beer and watching the Red Sox play the Indians in the first game of the ALCS. Even though neither of them are my team, I’d much rather watch this then go up to the penthouse of my building and deal with people I used to work with.
“Come on, Finn,” he whines. What sort of grown man whines? “I want you to meet my girlfriend.”
Oh right. I remember this now. Vaguely. I was going into work this morning, talking to him on the phone, when he mentioned his newish girlfriend was going to be at the party. I haven’t met her yet. I’ve been pushing it off, if I’m being honest. I’m happy for Mike and all that good shit, but the last thing I want to be around is a happy couple.
I just so happen to live in a building where the trauma surgeons occupy the penthouse. I was here first, which makes me sound like a child, but I don’t care, because it’s true. Those fuckers moved in a year after I did.
I bought this apartment three years ago after my life fell apart and I’ve been here ever since. The trauma surgeons, three of them in total, bought the penthouse together. It’s like a frat house up there and I hate it. I’m just happy I don’t live directly beneath them. They’re not my favorite group of guys either so it’s not like spending an evening shooting the shit with them is an incentive.
“Bring her down here,” I say without bothering to move my eyes away from the television.
Mike sighs, propping his hands on his lean hips. “She’s bringing friends. Friends who I’m sure are every bit as gorgeous as she is. Friends who I’m sure would love to meet a guy such as yourself.”
“Not interested.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Mike snaps and it’s not like him to get to this point. He’s typically more in control of his temper, so this has me sitting a up a little straighter to meet his eyes. “I’m so sick of your perpetual fucking negativity. How long are you going to live like this?”
“Don’t,” I warn.
“It’s been three years, man. You haven’t dated a woman in three years. You need to live your life.”
“Mike,” I say firmly. “I get you’re trying to be a good friend to me and all, but you need to shut the hell up and get out of here now.”
Another sigh, this time his chin drops to his chest. “Just come upstairs with me. Just meet my girl and then you can go back to your sulking in the form of beer and baseball. Ten minutes. That’s all I’m asking for.”
I deliberate this for a few moments.
I inwardly sigh. “Fine,” I stand up and bring my now empty beer into the kitchen, placing it by the sink so I can recycle it later. If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t. But Mike has been there for me. He’s unbelievably patient with my bullshit. I owe him.
“You’re going to change, right?”
I look down. I’m wearing a t-shirt, very old worn jeans and no shoes. And as much as I really am in the mood to be a dick right now, Mike doesn’t deserve that. “Give me five minutes. Or better yet,” I say with a smile, “go on up and I’ll meet you there.”
He laughs. “No, I think I’ll wait.”
I shrug, leaving Mike in my living room while I walk down the long hall into my bedroom. This may not be the penthouse, but it’s still a very nice apartment. In fact, it’s my favorite place where I’ve ever lived, if for no other reason than the view of the East River and the wraparound balcony which faces it. And I’m high enough up that I don’t have to deal with the noise or view of the FDR or other buildings.
Eight minutes later, I’m ready. Mike is smiling at his phone before his eyes do a sweep of me, taking in my black button up, dark jeans and black shoes. I even brushed my hair. “Better?” I ask.
“Much. Let’s go. She’s already there.”
“Don’t want to keep her waiting.”
Mike rolls his eyes at me. “She’s great. You’ll love her.” I nod, not really caring either way. “Did I mention that she brought friends with her?”
“Once or twice.” He laughs at me, slapping my back as we step into the elevator to go up the two flights to the penthouse. The doors open not even thirty seconds later and we step into the apartment. It’s relatively crowded here and I already recognize a lot of faces.
Mike leads me over to the bar that’s taking up the entire island in the kitchen. “Sup, man,” Liam says to me, reaching out to shake my hand. “Glad you could make it.”
“Wouldn’t miss it,” I deadpan, swiping another beer out of the bucket of ice. Liam laughs. He knows as well as I do I’m full of shit.
“The place is stacked tonight,” he goes on. “Whatever your pleasure, we’ve got it. But I already called dibs on your girlfriend’s friend,” he says to Mike, holding up his beer bottle like he’s saluting him. “You weren’t lying when you said her friends are ho
t.”
This is why I can’t stand the trauma surgeons.
“As long as it’s not my girlfriend, I don’t care,” Mike says. “Speaking of which,” he claps a hand on my back, “let’s go find her.”
I take that as my cue and give Liam the requisite nod. I have nothing to say to this guy. Liam nods his head back at me while mixing up some crazy alcohol concoction.
“What an ass,” Mike says once we’re out of earshot, which isn’t exactly far considering how loud it is in here. Music is blasting and people seem to be doing their best to talk over it so they can be heard. “I might have to warn Monique’s friend about him.”
“Probably should,” I agree.
We move through the crowd, stopping here and there to say hello as we pass people we know, which is pretty much everyone since most people here work at the hospital I previously had. Finally, Mike points his finger over toward the back of the living room. I nod, following him, while I sip my very expensive beer, the showoffs felt the need to buy.
“Hey,” Mike says, tapping a very pretty black woman on the shoulder. She spins around–and the moment she sees who’s interrupting her conversation–gleams at him.
“You made it,” she says. “I was starting to wonder.” She leans in and gives him a sweet kiss on the lips and Mike puts his arms around her. I’ve never seen Mike like this with a woman. Typically, they don’t last all that long with him.
“Monique, this is my friend, Finn. Finn, this is my girlfriend, Monique.”
She smiles brightly at me, reaching out to shake my hand. “Hi,” she says. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
I tense a little at that, but she isn’t saying it in a particularly knowing way. More of a you’re Mike’s best friend way. “You too.” I really know nothing about this woman other than her name and the fact she’s Mike’s girlfriend. I’m sure he’s told me more, but I don’t think I listened all that well.
“I thought you said you were bringing friends,” Mike says and Monique laughs.
“She did,” a voice chirps behind me and I turn to see a familiar-looking woman with shoulder-length blonde hair, heavy bangs and blue eyes. “I’m Chloe,” she says. “I work at the hospital with you.”
