Beautiful Potential

by J. Saman

  Kelly nods. Kelly believes me even if I’m not sure I’m telling her the truth yet. The alternative is too much to fathom.

  Just as they’re wheeling us to ultrasound, Kelly lets out a loud scream, arches her back and then there is a gush of blood. All hell breaks loose.

  The doctor is between her legs and they’re running with Kelly on the gurney who is still screaming, down the hall and into the elevator and down another hall until we’re in the OR.

  “You need to gown up,” one of the nurses says to me and she pulls me away while I watch them place a mesh cap over Kelly’s hair and an oxygen mask over her face and cover her with blue sterile drapes. “Here,” she says, throwing me a bunch of things which I catch reflexively and put on.

  Dread is pooling deep in my gut, twisting and stabbing at me like a thousand knives. I’m shaking and my heart is pounding and I can’t stand this lack of control. I can’t stand that Kelly is on that table and my very premature baby is about to be born. I can’t stop this. I can’t make them okay.

  “Dear God,” I pray aloud. “Let them be okay.” And then I walk back into that OR and sit up by Kelly’s head, resting my face next to hers as we cry together. I tell her I love her. That’s all I know for sure in this moment. We cry until the nurse tells us that our son has been born. We cry while I stand up and watch as the neonatologists work furiously on my son to get him intubated and his heart to beat.

  Because he’s not breathing on his own and his heart isn’t beating.

  My hand grips Kelly’s, who cannot see him. “He’s tiny,” I say, more to myself than to her, but she hears me and she sobs. My words are hurting her, so I keeping my mouth shut. His skin doesn’t look real yet. And his eyes are fused shut. And he’s blue. And he still isn’t breathing or beating.

  But he’s without a doubt the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and even though I haven’t touched him, I love him more than my own life.

  “Is he alive?” I manage, but they ignore me. They’re pumping him full of drugs through a catheter in his umbilical cord and they’re breathing for him and pushing on his chest and I don’t know what to do. I turn back to Kelly, but her eyes are closed as she helplessly weeps, while the doctors close her up.

  I had no idea love could hurt this much. Could be this terrifying.

  After another three minutes, they stop working because there is nothing more they can do for my son. I can’t breathe. Everything inside of me hurts. The pain is unreal. Like nothing I’ve ever experienced before and I am no stranger to pain. I collapse back onto the stool, my legs no longer capable of supporting my weight. Holding Kelly’s head in my arms, we cry out our anguish, wishing we could die with him.

  Chapter 17

  Gia

  “That’s the weirdest shit I’ve ever heard,” Chloe says to me. She came over for breakfast which I was not in the mood for, but Chloe doesn’t take kindly to the word no. So now we’re sitting in the diner on the corner from my apartment, waiting on eggs which I have no interest in eating. “I mean, when I told him Liam was hot for your bod, he went all caveman and stormed off after you. I thought for sure when I saw you leave with him, I’d have to drag you out of his bed for this breakfast.”

  “Nope. And I think at this point, I can safely say that will never happen with him.”

  “There has to be something really wrong with him, right? Like crazy STDs or erectile dysfunction or something else.”

  “You know it’s funny you say that. I recall thinking something very similar after one of the times he rejected me.”

  “Maybe he’s gay?”

  I shake my head. “I don’t think so, but you never know.”

  Our massive plates arrive and I woefully stare down at the omelet which could easily feed a small country and sigh. “You have to eat. You can’t let that dick take your appetite. Then it’s like he wins.”

  “Fight the power.”

  “Exactly,” she says through a mouthful of food. I take a bite of my eggs because I don’t want to listen to her bitch at me the entire time about my not eating.

  I didn’t tell Chloe everything. Just most of everything. She’s my best friend and I love her, but she also has a big mouth. So I told her Finn is not interested in me. That he took me out for coffee and told me nothing was ever going to happen between us.

  All of that is true.

  I just left out the part where he talked about how he wanted more with me and how attracted he was to me and how the thought of me with another man makes him insane.

  “Did you tell him it was your birthday?”

  “No,” I laugh. “Why would I have done that?”

  “I don’t know. It just doesn’t make sense to me. It wouldn’t bother me so much if he wasn’t fucking hot.”

  “Then you go for him,” I say and then scowl. Damn, I can’t even help that.

  Chloe laughs, clearly reading my reaction. “I tried. I asked him to buy me a free drink, which everyone knows is code for let’s hook up. I could have told him I’m a championship blowjob giver and I’m willing to do anal on the first date. It wouldn’t have mattered. He wasn’t interested in me at all. He didn’t even look twice in my direction until I mentioned your name.”

  “Is that true? I mean, about the blowjobs and anal?” Chloe sighs at me, evidently not amused. “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  I point my fork at her. “Just tell me.”

  “You just haven’t liked a guy in a while.”

  I swallow down the piece of potato which is threatening to choke me. “I date.”

  “I know you date. Hell, you date more than me. That’s not what I’m saying here. I just want you to be happy is all.”

  “God, Chloe,” I throw my head back in frustration. “You sound like my mother. I am happy. I don’t need a man to give me that.”

  “I know,” she shrugs, playing with an impaled potato, running it in a pattern through her ketchup. “I’m just wondering if it has to do with Aiden.”

  “No,” I say emphatically. “It doesn’t. I’m well past that now.”

  Aiden was my boyfriend of about a year, but in my second month of graduate school, he got a job opportunity in San Francisco. He half-heartedly asked if I wanted to move with him and when I said I couldn’t because I had just started school, that was it. It hurt. I shed a lot of tears over that one. But that was years ago and now I don’t even think about him.

  “Okay then. I’m done talking about this.”

  “Freaking finally,” I laugh. “What time does your shift start?”

  “Ten, so eat up because I want to buy you a cupcake at that really amazing bakery which we always walk by but never go in to because we’re afraid just stepping inside will make us fat.”

  “Because it will,” I tell her. “I don’t think you can go in there without sampling one of everything.”

  Chloe shrugs, her blonde hair on top of her head in a very high ponytail that only she can get away with. “Fine by me. It’s your birthday and calories don’t count on your birthday.”

  “You said that to me when we were in grad school and I was stress eating.”

  She points a finger at me. “I stand by that philosophy. Our brains were burning like a million calories with all the crap we were trying to learn.”

  “Probably true. Eat up and let’s go. I suddenly have the desire to consume a lot of sugar and then go shopping.”

  I leave Chloe a block from the hospital with a hug. I could walk her to work, but I don’t. I know it’s unlikely I’d bump into Finn. He and I go weeks without seeing each other, but I’m still ruminating over everything that happened last night.

  I’m raw with it.

  I was surprised that his words affected me the way they did.

  Maybe it’s because I agreed with him. Every time I’m near him, I want more of him. I’m insanely attracted to him and I know for a fact we wouldn’t be a sort-of, non-exclusive thing because an
y time I’m with him or I think about him, I get that happy-bubbly sensation in my stomach.

  Even when he’s being an asshole and I’m mad at him.

  And I’m only mad at him because I like him. Otherwise I wouldn’t care about the crap he pulls with me. He’s held residence in me in one way or another for such a long time now, I don’t remember what it feels like to think about another man. I don’t even know how to turn it off.

  But I do my best as I spend my afternoon shopping for clothes.

  Every year on my birthday, my father would take me out shopping for whatever I wanted, within reason of course. The year I asked for a pony, he said no. And the year I asked for a Cadillac Escalade so that I could drive all my friends around, he said no to that too. But everything else he got me.

  Being an only child with a wealthy doting father, pretty much gets you that.

  My parents tried to have other children after me, but after a few miscarriages, gave up. When I went off to college, they traveled a lot and did that for a while, which I thought was awesome. But my mom didn’t continue it after my father died. Instead she left Boston and moved to Westchester to be closer to me. She’s taking me out for dinner tonight, but I know she’s going to have a tough time because my dad won’t be with us.

  I end up getting a very pretty cream-colored sweater dress, tan suede booties and a new pair of jeans.

  Just as I open the door to my building, my phone rings. I have to juggle the bags in my hands in order to reach into my purse to retrieve it, but once I do, I groan because the bags with the shoes in it just fell out of my hand.

  “Hi, mom,” I answer, the phone tucked between my shoulder and ear as I pick up my bag and unlock the front door. Okay, maybe a doorman would be helpful in a situation like this.

  “What time are you coming?” she asks. I don’t know why she does this every time we make plans. We typically set up a time that I’m coming and I’m pretty good at being on time.

  “Six-ten,” I say as I tuck my keys into my pocket and readjust the shopping bags so I can hold the phone with one of my hands. “I just got home so I’m going to shower and then I’m grabbing the train from Grand Central.”

  “Okay, because I need to talk to you about something so I don’t want you to be late.”

  The way she says this has my gut twisting and me leaning back against the elevator wall. “What?”

  “We’ll talk about it when you get here.”

  I shake my head. “You can’t say something like that to me over the phone and then not tell me.”

  My mother sighs into the phone and then goes silent. The elevator doors open and I step out onto my floor. “I met someone,” she says quietly. “A man.” Yeah, I got that part. I didn’t need her to say it aloud. “I’d like you to meet him tonight. I invited him to dinner with us.”

  She invited a strange man I’ve never met before to my birthday dinner? Seriously? “Um…” I trail off because I can’t think of anything to say to that. On the one hand, I should be happy for my mother that she met someone and isn’t alone. And on some level, I am. But why did she have to pick today of all days to tell me about it?

  “His name is George Santiago and he’s–” My mother continues to tell me about George Santiago but I stopped listening the moment I turned the corner for my apartment. Because Finn is standing in front of my door, his head positioned down and his back is to me, but there is no mistaking it’s him. He’s not knocking on my door and it doesn’t even appear like he’s waiting for me to open.

  He seems like he’s caught in a moment of indecision and I have to wonder how long he’s been standing there like that because someone had to let him into the building and it sure as hell wasn’t me.

  “Mom,” I interject and at the sound of my voice, Finn turns around with wide eyes which say he did not want me to catch him here. “I have to go. I’ll see you when I get there.” I disconnect the call and walk down the hall toward him, pulling my keys out of my pocket.

  He silently watches me approach and part of me is tempted to go into my apartment and slam the door on him. Maybe I would if it weren’t for the expression on his face and the wrapped package in his hands. He looks really freaking good and I wish he looked like shit because it would be so much easier not to feel all of the things I’m feeling right now. He’s wearing a blue sweater which hugs his muscular chest, accentuating the bright blue of his eyes. His chestnut hair is styled in a way which draws it off his face, making him appear almost boyish.

  “What are you doing here?” Giving him my back, I unlock my door, open it so I can set my bags down inside and close it again before I turn back to face him. I’m not inviting him in. I’m not.

  “I...uh,” and then he chuckles, running a hand through his hair and ruining that boyish style I was just enjoying. “I’ve been standing here for far too long, debating if I should leave this here or not.”

  I peer down at the wrapped package in his hand. The wrapping is lavender, with a deep purple bow tied into a perfect knot. “What have you come up with?”

  He smiles and I decide I hate his smile. It’s misleading. It’s the sort of smile which says you’re all I think about and a lot of those thoughts are deliciously dirty. It’s the sort of smile you can’t help but feel in the pit of your stomach as well as a few other key places. I want to tell him his demeanor is false advertising, but I keep my mouth shut and focus my attention on the package in his hand because it's easier to stare at than that smile.

  “Well, since you caught me, I don’t think I can leave without giving this to you.”

  I shrug. “You could, but it would be a real dick move.” I manage to raise my eyes to his. “How did you know?”

  “I looked you up,” he says and those words shouldn’t have the impact on me that they do. “Shortly after we met. You were on my mind one night and I went online and found your Facebook profile. It had your birthday on there,” he adds like I didn’t know.

  He looked me up. I was on his mind. God, I don’t know what to do with that. How to feel when he makes admissions like that.

  “So can I have it? My present?”

  Finn considers the box in his hands and then slowly extends it out to me. “Happy birthday, Gia.”

  “Thank you, Finn.” Damn, this makes me so sad and so happy.

  He leans forward and plants the sweetest of kisses on my cheek and then starts to walk off.

  “Wait,” I call out and he freezes. “I have your jacket.”

  He turns around, patiently waiting while I frantically open my door, put the pretty purple box with the perfect purple ribbon on the floor. Opening my coat closet, I yank his jacket off the hanger.

  “I was going to have it dry-cleaned and leave it at the hospital for you.”

  He shakes his head, taking the lumped up material from my hands. “This is fine. Thanks.”

  Finn turns away from me, but I don’t miss it when he brings the collar of the jacket up to his nose, inhaling a deep breath. He’s checking to see if it smells like me and suddenly I’m so glad I didn’t get it dry-cleaned. I wish I had slept in it last night, so I could be sure it does.

  “Wait,” I call out again, because I cannot stand this. Not another fucking second. None of this makes sense. None of it. And I’m just…well, I’m done with the drama. He twists back around, albeit reluctantly. Come on, Finn. Give me an inch. “Would you do a favor for me if I asked you?”

  He measures me for a moment, weighs his response, and then smirks. “That depends on the favor.”

  I try not to smile. I really freaking do. But the way he says that?

  “Today’s my birthday. You already know that since you just said it,” I laugh. Shit, why am I so freaking nervous right now? “Anyway,” I continue with a mental headshake. “I’m supposed to go to my mom’s house in Westchester for dinner in a couple of hours and she just told me–like right now–she has a new boyfriend. She called him her man friend, Fin
n.” I shake my head, letting him know how serious this situation is. “I cannot go and meet my mother’s new man friend on my birthday without backup.”

  “Gia,” he sighs, his hands going to his hips.

  “Please, Finn.” I hold up my hands in supplication. Clearly, I’m not above begging right now. I don’t even know why I asked him other than I just…I want more time with him. I need to figure this man out or he’ll always be a question mark. Something left unanswered. “Please don’t make me face this alone.”

  “I’m the doctor who admitted your father. She’s going to see me and think of that. It’ll be beyond awkward.”

  Yeah, I thought of that. But I don’t really care. Maybe that makes me a bitch, but screw it, it’s my birthday. “The whole night is going to be awkward, why not add more to it? Come on, Finn. Pretty please. With a cherry on top?”

  He chuckles lightly, shifting his weight and glancing down at the floor. He sighs again, but I think it’s the resigned sort because I can see him grinning despite his best efforts. “Okay,” he says on a long drawn-out breath. “I’ll go with you. I can’t seem to say no to you.” Another sigh but that one is for himself because he’s also giving me an indulgent smile. I’m so happy, I could squeal like a teenage fangirl. “Let me go home and shower. I’ll meet you at Grand Central.”

  “Ah, you’re a lifesaver.” Then I laugh out, throwing him a wink. “Literally.”

  He shakes his head at me, but he’s amused. I can tell. I amuse him and he can’t say no to me. I can be such a child sometimes, but a win is a win. “I’m taking the 5:10 train. Thank you. Really.”

  “I’ll see you soon.”

  He walks off with heavy, possibly aggravated steps, leaving me standing in the hallway with a big beaming smile on my face. But then I think about my present and my smile slips.

  The second he rounds the corner, I scurry inside my apartment, shut the door and sink down to the floor. I drag his present to me and stare at it for far too long. I have too many things swirling through me right now and this present might just ruin me for good.