Beautiful Potential

by J. Saman

“Pardon?” That is not at all what she thought I was going to say.

  “I’m addicted and you’re…I don’t know what exactly. Heroin? Alcohol? Both? Who the hell knows. But even though I’m not sampling the alcohol or shooting the drugs, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like to spend time in the bar. That I don’t like to be around the drugs.”

  “I think I’m only partially following you.”

  Blowing out a loud growl, I say, “I like spending time with you, Gia. I think you already know that. In fact, I’m positive you do. But I told you it will never go beyond that.”

  “You told me all of this before. More than once actually. So what the hell are we doing here? Why do you bring me presents and dance with me and take me to football games?”

  “I don’t know,” I huff out, really wishing she’d shut the fuck up already. “I tried, okay? I tried. But I’m not all that good at staying away from you. And maybe Mike’s right about me. Maybe I like to cut myself just so I can watch it bleed, but that doesn’t change the situation.”

  “Jesus, Finn. How the hell am I supposed to respond to that?”

  I sigh. This is a losing battle with her. She’s right. I know she is. I’m fucking with both of us, but I don’t plan on stopping until she makes me. Maybe that’s wrong, but it’s all I’ve got and I can’t go back to nothing when I’ve finally began to feel something good again.

  “You’re not, Gia. There is no response because there is no situation to respond to. You have a boyfriend, remember? You said friends, remember? I’m just trying to give you what you want. Make you happy.”

  “Because you’re addicted.” To me, she doesn’t tack on, but we both know it’s true. We both know that’s exactly what I was saying.

  I nod, my fingers wiping away yet another tear as it glides down her temple. “I think you’re getting it now.”

  “No,” she says with a shake of her head. “I don’t get it. But you’re not one for real explanations or detailed stories. And your truths that I believe you’re very fond of, are perpetually sliced in half. I’m tired, Finn. You make me so very tired. But maybe I’m addicted too. Maybe that’s the perfect way to explain this.” She waves her finger back and forth between us.

  I don’t have an answer to that. If I were a better, stronger man, I’d cut her loose for good. But I’m not, so I return my hands to her hair and her eyes grow heavy. “Close your eyes, Gia. Get some rest.” Shifting my position, I lean down and kiss her forehead. Being addicted to her sucks. “I’ll wake you when we get home.”

  Gia sighs and as I draw back, her eyes flutter shut and her head tilts and she falls asleep just like that. With her head in my lap and my hands stroking her hair and my eyes glued to her face.

  And when I know she’s really out, I whisper, “Je t’aime.”

  Because even though she didn’t mean it, I did.

  Chapter 29

  Gia

  “Hey,” Finn says to me with a big smile as I stroll up to him. “I didn’t know you were going to be here.”

  I laugh. “That’s a hell of a greeting there, Dr. Banner. That better not be a disappointed-to-see-me smile.”

  Finn laughs, pulling me in for a hug. He does that now. He hugs me. And he kisses me. On my cheek or my forehead–that’s his personal favorite, I think–and sometimes, he likes to whisper secrets into my ear. Something changed between us after the game. After our conversation about being mutual addicted to the other.

  He’s no longer distant or careful with me.

  Nor is he quick to push me away.

  We spend nearly every day together. Not all day. More like small tidbits of time.

  He stops by my floor–though he refuses to enter it–and brings me cappuccinos. Occasionally with hot chocolate, but mostly without. Or we just so happen to meet on a bench at the end of the hallway which leads away from radiology and eat lunch there together. And if we both have a rare weekday off, we do stuff. Together.

  I don’t know how it happened and I have zero explanation for it.

  Finn is sweet and attentive and well…amazing.

  “Never,” he whispers in my ear. “I’m always happy to see you.”

  See what I mean?

  But then he always does this: “Where’s Mason?”

  Stepping back, I take him in. He’s so freaking hot tonight. He’s wearing a dark blue sweater which makes his bright-blue eyes sparkle in contrast, and his hair is brushed the way I like it and he’s got a decent layer of brown stubble lining his chiseled jaw, and his jeans are dark and low hung–and dear god–I think I’m blushing.

  “He couldn’t make it tonight. He had to work late on a project.”

  “C’est dommage.”

  “Yes, it is…dommage.”

  Finn laughs, pulling me into his side and kissing my forehead. “Even though I’m epically disappointed your lesser half isn’t here tonight, I am relieved to no longer be forced to make small talk with the woman Mike brought to set me up with.”

  “What?” I step back, my eyes wide. “Mike brought a woman for you?”

  It shouldn’t bother me. It should make me feel…reassured that Mike is trying to set up Finn. Happy even. But it doesn’t. It makes me sick. And that makes me feel guilty and this whole vicious cycle starts all over again.

  Finn nods, taking my hand and guiding me through the large brownstone Mike owns, all the way to the back. “There,” he says, nodding his chin in the direction of a very pretty strawberry blonde talking to Monique. “That’s my forced blind date.”

  “She looks nice,” I manage. Damn, jealousy is a real motherfucker.

  “I’m sure she is. I’m sure she’s very nice and smart and capable and yes, she’s also decently attractive, but Mike should know better.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “Don’t play coy, Miss Bianchi, it doesn’t suit you. I have no interest in being set up. But Mike already told her about me. I know he did because when I shook her hand, she blushed and looked away like a demure little doll.”

  “Maybe she was just caught off guard by your searing good looks and rugged masculinity.”

  Finn examines me as I bite my lip to try and hide my smile because I wanted that to come out serious, though I was being sarcastic, but now I can’t stop my laugh. “Even though you suck at hiding your sarcasm–or your smile for that matter–I’m going to take that as a compliment from you, because I know you think I’m hot. But no, I don’t think that was what her reaction was all about.”

  “Maybe you’ll like her, Finn. Maybe she’s the woman of your dreams and you’re making the mistake of a lifetime by automatically dismissing her.”

  Finn turns to me, his eyes finding mine, locking me in. He takes a step, his arm and the side of his chest pressing into me ever so slightly. My breath hitches with the intensity in his expression. “No,” he says softly, seductively. “She’s not that one.”

  Oh. My. God.

  “What are you two talking about in hushed tones?” Mike asks from behind us.

  I spin around like a teenager caught making out with her boyfriend. But since I’m not, I recover quickly. “The woman you tried to set Finn up with.”

  Mike chuckles and slaps Finn on the back. “She’s great, man. You’ll really like her.”

  “Not my type.”

  “Oh,” Mike says, his eyes bouncing down to me quickly before going back to Finn with a smirk on his lips. “And what exactly is that?”

  “Not her,” is all Finn says, jutting his thumb in the direction of the poor girl who actually looks really sweet. I can say that now that I know Finn isn’t interested. If he was, I’d probably be hating on her. I’m just that mature.

  “Fine,” Mike groans. “But one day I’ll convince you to rejoin the human male race.”

  “I wouldn’t hold your breath. It’s a party and I don’t want to have to intubate you.”

  “That wasn’t very funny,” I deadpan and Finn pinches
my side, making me squeal and jump because he always manages to hit that one sensitive spot.

  “You could pretend to like my jokes.”

  I shake my head. “Your jokes are never funny.”

  Mike rolls his eyes at us. “We’re just waiting on a couple more people and then we can eat. Thanks again, Gia for bringing some food. Monique was freaking out when she got stuck at work.”

  “No problem. I love cooking and I had Nonna Bianchi’s recipes to work with.”

  “Nonna Bianchi?”

  I narrow my eyes at Finn who is laughing at me, I think. “Yes. My grandmother, dick face. And you can laugh at me all you want, but wait till you try the food. That woman knew how to cook.”

  “Damn you’re cute.” Finn says and I can feel Mike smile and this is my cue to get the hell out of here, away from Finn who gives me looks and thinks I’m cute.

  I roll my eyes at him, playing his words off like they’re a joke. Like I don’t feel them. “I’m going to go help Mo with food and meet Finn’s date.”

  Spinning on my heels, I get my ass away from Mike’s knowing smile and into the kitchen. Monique is talking to Strawberry Blonde and the more I observe her, the more infuriated with myself I become. She’s very pretty and I have no doubt that if Finn gave her a chance, he’d be interested. Which is probably something I should have encouraged instead of discouraged.

  I have Mason, and Finn doesn’t want with me what I want with him, so I really need to let that one go. But honestly, I don’t know if it would make a difference if I did. I think there is a very good reason why Finn doesn’t date. I mean three years? That’s just crazy.

  You don’t give up on love, on life, like that without a very good reason.

  “There you are,” Monique says with a big bright smile. She gives me an enormous hug, to the point that she’s almost crushing me. She’s wearing a stunning light green wrap dress and her black curly hair is pulled back into a low bun. She looks so unbelievably happy. Beautiful and happy. “You look beautiful,” she says.

  “Funny, I was just thinking the exact same thing about you.”

  “Gia, this is Alexandra Calhoun. She’s a pediatric surgery fellow where I work. Alex, this is Gia Bianchi, a fellow midwife.”

  “So nice to meet you,” she says with one of the most outstanding southern accents I’ve ever heard in my life.

  “You too,” I say with a smile. She’s even prettier up close, even though she’s definitely older than me. Older than Finn too I’d bet, maybe thirty-twoish. “Did you do your residency here in New York as well?”

  She shakes her head. “No. I’m only in New York for my fellowship. I did my residency at Johns Hopkins.”

  “Wow,” I say. “That’s impressive.” And it is. Johns Hopkins is one of the most sought after and demanding residency programs in the country.

  She blushes, which I find to be a fascinating reaction considering she’s a surgeon–a pediatric surgeon at that–and those people don’t fuck around. They’re hardcore, but this woman is soft and gentle. Kind of a contradiction.

  I take back what I said about encouraging Finn to give her a try. He’d break her in two with his assholery.

  “Gia, can you help me with this?” Monique asks me, pointing to the food, but I don’t miss the timing. Finn just entered the kitchen with Mike and two other people I vaguely know.

  “Sure.” I smile at Alex. “Excuse me.” I walk over to Monique who is standing in front of the oven, wearing hot-pink oven mitts.

  “Is this ready?”

  I peer down at the bubbling tray of chicken parmesan and nod. She knows it is. She was pulling me away from Finn. “Looks good.”

  “She’s nice, right? And smart. You think Finn will like her?”

  I shrug, busying myself with the container of baked ziti I made. “He said he wasn’t interested.”

  Monique sighs, like this frustrates her. “That’s because he’s only interested in you.”

  “Is not,” I say automatically.

  “And you have Mason.”

  She’s checking my reaction and all I can do is nod, but I can’t meet her eyes, because I’m a freaking weakling. “And I have Mason.”

  Monique smiles, mollified by my declaration and says, “Then let’s eat.”

  I help bring everything out to the large dining room table they have set up, but just as I set the tray down, I feel a hand on my upper arm. “Looks amazing,” Finn says, his thumb brushing up and down my bare flesh. “Why haven’t you ever cooked for me like this before?”

  I shrug. “Because you never asked me to.”

  He turns me to face him, tilting my chin up until our eyes meet once again. Damn if a flock of excited butterflies don’t take flight inside me. Finn is that dip. That adrenaline thrill you get when you’re in an airplane and you hit an air pocket, dropping five thousand feet before leveling off. Every. Goddamn. Time.

  “Gia, my beautiful Italian goddess, will you cook dinner for me sometime in the near future?”

  “Um…” I think I just forgot how to speak in coherent sentences. Or even how to formulate words. Instead I nod. And swallow. Hard. Because the look he’s giving me right now has my toes curling and my eyes resisting the urge to roll back.

  Finn smiles that smile I love so much on him and then he dips his head down, fanning his hot breath against my ear and whispers, “Breathe, Gia. Because if you become cyanotic, I’ll opt for mouth to mouth with you instead of intubation.”

  He chuckles to himself like he’s the funniest person in the world and then goes back over to Mike and some other doctor whose name I can’t remember. And once he’s gone, I suck in a very needed and audible breath. Finnigan Banner just managed to turn me into a puddle of pathetic, right here on the dining room floor.

  And worse yet, I can’t help but love it.

  Chapter 30

  Gia

  The restaurant Chloe picked is just the right mix of unhealthy food and delicious drinks. It’s the perfect spot for a snack with your girls. It’s early afternoon now, but this time of year, it’s practically dark. Picking up a piece of spicy chicken, I pop it into my mouth, chewing slowly while Chloe digests what I just told her.

  “So is this George guy going to be there every time you see your mom now? I mean, coming for Thanksgiving is kinda a big deal,” Chloe says as she shoves a nacho into her mouth and sips on her margarita.

  “I know,” I say thinking about Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. “My cousin said the same thing. George is a nice guy–don’t get me wrong–but it I didn’t realize he was already part of the family.”

  Today is the Friday after Thanksgiving, universally known as Black Friday. Every year, Chloe, Monique and I brave the crowds and go do some selfish shopping. I realize the ‘holiday’ was enacted so that you could do your Christmas shopping while taking advantage of all the sales, but we don’t do that.

  Instead we bought party dresses because Monique and Mike are having a Christmas party. Because they’re living together in domestic bliss. Because they’re in love.

  I found a very pretty gold dress which looks fantastic against my skin color and it’s just shimmery enough to be festive. After all our hard work, we’re rewarding ourselves with snacks. And cocktails because–why not.

  I’m working Christmas Eve day, but I’ll go to the party after work and I have Christmas day off, which will help with post-party recovery. Even though I’m going stag to the party, I’m still looking forward to it. Mason is flying out to see his parents who live outside Denver. He’s spending the week there and going skiing with them as part of their annual family vacation.

  He didn’t invite me along, which was fine. I think that was more his parents doing than his. Mason told me he brought home a girl once and his parents became extremely attached to her and then when they broke up, his mother was devastated. So I didn’t get the invite. Not that I would have been able to go anyway. I would have never gotten the
time off.

  “I’m going home with Michael,” –Monique always calls Mike, Michael– “for Christmas day. His mother called and invited me.”

  “Wow,” Chloe marvels through a mouthful of food. “I bet he proposes to you that day.”

  Monique shakes her head, but her dark skin turns a little warmer. “No. I don’t think it will be on Christmas.” Yeah, she’s hoping it happens on Christmas. “We just moved in together.”

  “So that means you can’t get engaged?” I challenge.

  “It just means I don’t think it’s happening over Christmas.”

  Chloe looks over at me, pointing a stern finger. “If you get engaged or move in with Mason, I might have to kick your ass.”

  “I love how supportive you are. Such a caring, nurturing friend.” Monique snorts, but Chloe is undeterred. “Hey, no threatening me. I’m not moving in with Mason and we’re definitely not getting engaged.”

  “Because she’s in love with Finn Banner,” Monique says with an impish grin. I think my eyes are, in fact, bugging out of my head and my jaw is on the floor.

  “What nonsense are you spewing?”

  Monique shrugs, but that grin remains. “Okay fine. You might not love him, but he absolutely loves you.”

  Chloe laughs at my expression and I throw her an eye which is meant to shut her up, but of course, because it’s Chloe, only makes her laugh harder.

  “Liar, liar, pants on fire,” I say indignantly, but Monique is just shaking her head as she crunches down on a chip.

  “I saw the two of you talking when you came for dinner last week.”

  I roll my eyes at that. “Well, since you saw us talking, that must clearly mean love is in the air.”

  “Don’t be sarcastic, Gia. It causes wrinkles.” I flip Chloe off and she blows me a kiss. “I want details. What is this about dinner conversation?”

  “If you had come, you would have seen it.”

  “I was working. No need to get snippy with me.”

  Monique laughs. “Well, Finn and Gia were on one end of the table. And they were both leaning into each other and talking. Finn was smiling the entire time and he was laughing at whatever they were talking about.”