Beautiful Potential

by J. Saman

  I shake my head, unable to make sense of any of this. Helpless tears fall down my face, that I instantly reach up to wipe away. I don’t want to be helpless right now. I don’t want to be the puppy who continues to seek out love and affection only to be repeatedly smacked over the nose for it. Instinctively I step back, needing more distance from him, but my feet begin to drift out from under me again, because we’re still wearing fucking ice skates standing on a sheet of frozen water. Finn laughs a little as he too begins to sway.

  “Maybe the ice-skating wasn’t such a brilliant idea. I was trying for romantic. Trying to get you to fall with me.” He lowers himself to his knees, reaching for me and pulling my body into his. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he holds me against his warm body so there is nowhere I can go. “I’ve messed this all up with you a million times over and in a million different ways. I know you don’t trust what I’m telling you is for real this time. But I’ll make it up to you, Gia. I’ll be everything you deserve. Just say you’ll give us a chance. Please,” he smiles reverently up at me, squeezing me just a bit tighter.

  I shake my head, staring straight into his blue eyes. God, those eyes. How many different ways have they both excited and haunted me? “You’ve really fucked with my head.”

  “I know, and I’m so goddamn sorry for that. But my world doesn’t revolve around the sun unless you’re in it. Without you, all I see is darkness. I’m literally on my knees–that are incidentally freezing cold and soaking wet–begging you. Be mine, Gia Bianchi. Because I don’t think I can live without you anymore.”

  I sigh, my hand coming up to run along the bristles of his stubbled cheek. Finn leans into my touch, his eyes closing against the sensation before he opens them again, pinning me with an unwavering steadiness. How could I say no him? I don’t even want to try.

  “Evidently, I’m a glutton for punishment, because I still love you despite my best efforts and better judgment. So yes, Finn. I’ll be yours if you’ll be mine. But if you fuck this up again, I’ll kill you and make it look like an accident.”

  The most brilliant smile lights up his face and in the next second, his mouth is on mine. His lips forceful and dominant, his tongue commanding as he absorbs every breath and gasp and moan and sigh from me.

  “Oh my god,” a woman squeals with such a piercing shrill that we can’t help but pull away and look over at the elderly woman holding what I assume is her husband’s hand. “Danny, I think they just got engaged. How romantic,” she simpers. “It reminds me of when you proposed to me under the tree at Rockefeller Center.”

  I peer up at Finn who is now standing and smiling, laughing despite myself. “Don’t get any ideas, Dr. Banner,” I warn.

  “Wouldn’t dream of it, Miss Bianchi,” he says and then winks. “But I think we need to get out of here before we actually do fall and break something.”

  I nod in agreement. I’ve had just about all the ice-skating I can take.

  Chapter 37

  Gia

  Ever so carefully, with Finn’s hand holding mine, we step off the ice, take off our skates and return them. I don’t ask where we’re going as Finn leads us out of the park and back to the street. He flags down a cab and helps me inside the warm interior which smells like pine trees thanks to the plastic air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror.

  Finn gives the driver my address and as we set off, he wraps his arms around me like he can’t handle the distance a minute longer. “Are you hungry?”

  I shake my head no.

  “You’re very quiet, Gia. Talk to me. What’s going on through that beautiful head of yours?”

  “I’m nervous,” I admit, because I am. I feel like there are so many unknowns when it comes to Finn. For instance, I still don’t know his history. What his admitted serious issues even are. What if they’re too much for me? Or they become too much for him. Again.

  “What are you nervous about?”

  “Everything.”

  The word hovers in the air between us. Swirling around, filling the silence with a heaviness which wasn’t there seconds ago. I hate that I just killed our moment, but I can’t help it either. I’m not one of those women who can just jump blindly into something because the man I love tells me he loves me and he’s ready. I know I just need time. I know I just need some reassurance. Something more than flowery words and soul-busting kisses.

  “Me too,” he says softly and something in his quiet confession has me smiling. It makes me feel like we’re in this together. Like it’s okay if we don’t have it all figured out right now.

  We will.

  Of that I have no doubt.

  Because this is Finn. And this is me. And we’re us. We’re in this together now. I can feel that radiating from him. Yeah, we’re scared. He’s got something dark about him. That sort of thing doesn’t just go away because he tells me that he loves me. But despite his reservations and mine, he’s in this with me.

  He pivots on the seat to face me with that smile I love so much spread across his lips. That smiles tells me everything I need know. That smile really does say this is forever. That smile says we’ve got this.

  How long have I wanted this man? God, it feels like forever.

  My fingers find the stubble of his face. I think that might be one of my favorite things to touch. Well, so far anyway.

  Our eyes lock as his mouth captures mine once again. His lips are velvety soft and he taste likes the cold night air and something deliciously warm. Something that hints at the burning desire just under the crest of this sweet kiss. He takes his time with me. Familiarizing himself with every inch of my mouth. Letting me know he’s in no rush. That we have all the time in the world.

  I love that. But it’s not enough. All it’s doing is driving me wild. Making me crazy with an urgency I haven’t felt since my birthday night in my apartment. “More,” I whisper and he groans into me. His hands fist in my hair and our bodies are pressed as close as physically possible without me being in his lap in the back of the cab. Any miniscule amount of space just feels like too much.

  We’re like two teenagers in heat trying to beat the clock.

  “Gia,” he breathes against me and I shudder. He grins against my lips. “Have I ever told you how sexy I think it is when you do that?”

  “Mmmmm,” I breathe into him. I think I’m done with coherent thoughts to rhetorical questions.

  “It drives me fucking insane. It makes me want to do all kinds of dirty things to you.”

  I’m about to ask him what sorts of dirty things. Or better yet, I’m about to ask him to show me, but the cab stops and we’re forced to pull away with breathless grins.

  Finn pays the cab driver, no doubt overtipping him. “Come here,” he says to me, taking my hand and tugging me into his side. He holds on to me, waiting patiently while I unlock and open the two doors which lead into my building.

  The moment we step into the elevator, he’s all over me. Bulldozing me into the back wall and ravaging my mouth like a starving man. His hands are everywhere. One in my hair again and the other gliding along my back, down past my ass to the back of my thigh before he raises it up, hitching it around his waist and pressing into me.

  I moan at the contact, throwing my head back, and giving him perfect access to my neck. The elevator dings, but he doesn’t pull away from me. Instead he lifts me up into his arms and carries me, wrapped around him, down the hall to my door. “Keys,” he raps, taking them from my hand and kissing me as he fumbles to unlock my door, compressing me into the wood as he does.

  The door is open and the keys are out of the lock. He carries me to the kitchen and sets me down on the counter, his body is pressed between my spread thighs. “I have more to say,” he speaks urgently against me before suddenly pulling back to catch my eyes. “A hell of a lot more to tell you.”

  “You will,” I pant, staring up into his hooded eyes. Damn, that’s hot. “You’re going to tell me whatever you have l
eft to say later. But it’s not later yet and if you stop kissing me now, I’ll never forgive you.”

  “Can’t have that. I just got you back.” Finn’s lips crash to mine as he undoes the zipper of my jacket. And once that’s on the ground, he rips off my sweater, smiling at my sports bra that I never removed from earlier. “Well, that’s convenient,” he says, staring down at the front zipper.

  I laugh, and Jesus shit does it feel good. Everything about this just feels so…right. So long in the making, but now that it’s here, it’s infinitely better than anticipated. His fingers reach up to the small plastic tab, his gaze vacillating between my breasts and my eyes. And when he has the zipper undone and the bra parts, he grins the grin of the devil.

  “Oh Gia,” he says with a slight shake of his head. “You’re so goddamn beautiful. Better than any fantasy I could ever come up with. I fucking love you and your perfect, delicious tits.” I can only moan, throwing my head back as his mouth covers my nipple, his other hand kneading and squeezing me just right.

  His fingers undo the button and zipper of my jeans, gripping onto the edges and yanking them down past my knees and tossing them behind him onto my kitchen floor. Finn gives me a wink which has my pulse exploding and then he drops to his knees, his face inches from my panty-covered pussy.

  “Good thing you’re tall.”

  Finn laughs as he reaches out, grasping onto my hips and sliding me to the very edge. “I won’t let you fall. Well,” he amends with that sexy-as-sin glaze in his eyes, “at least not until I’m ready for you to.” He grins, looping his finger through the thin sides of my panties and slides them down my legs. His mouth finds me, licking and making me cry out embarrassingly loud. He does it again and again and then stops, gazing up at me. “I love how your breath pauses every time. Right before my tongue does this.” Then he licks me again, this time with more pressure and I think I might pass out. That’s how good this is. His tongue and fingers making me arch my back as I scream out obscenities mixed with his name.

  They’re all combined into one.

  Because…Oh. My. God!

  And when I’m panting and praying and crying and laughing, Finn stands up and kisses me, making sure that I taste everything he just did to me. My fingers find the buttons of his shirt and after undoing three of them, I become frustrated. Needy. Impatient. I yank on the two sides of his open shirt and I tug until buttons go flying and both Finn and I are laughing.

  I don’t care. I’ve been dying to explore every inch of him since I woke up with him in my bed. Probably before that. Most definitely before that. My palms glide across the hard, smooth and muscular expanse of his chest, my lips matching the stride of my hands step for step. Finn groans and the sound of it only spurs me on.

  His pants and boxer briefs hit the floor around his ankles, he covers himself in a condom and then he’s inside me. Finally. We’re one and nothing has ever felt so good. So perfect. So…Yes!

  His mouth searches mine, but he doesn’t kiss me. He rests hips lips against me, as he moves inside of me. As we make so many sounds together. As we desperately cling to each other. As our eyes watch the other.

  And when we explode, we do that together as well.

  Finn’s forehead rests against mine as we both try and subdue our rapid breaths and erratic heartbeats. Our smiles are unstoppable. “You’re incredible,” he says, rubbing the tip of his nose against mine. “And definitely worth the wait.” He takes me in his arms and helps me down off the counter. “Can I keep you like this for the rest of the night?”

  I giggle, burying myself into his chest. I love the way he smells right now. I love that he’s here, in my apartment. I love everything about this moment.

  “No. You can’t.” I say, enjoying the displeased expression on his face. “I’m hungry and we need to talk.”

  “Yes. We do,” he says, his expression growing sober. His hand reaches up, the tips of his fingers gliding across my cheek. “Can I stay with you tonight?”

  I nod. I’m dying to fall asleep with him in my bed, his arms wrapped around me. I’m dying for morning sex with him. I’m dying for all of this with him. “Yes. I’d love that.”

  Finn takes my hand, leading me over the sofa and pulling me down next to him so our bodies are once again connected. But that’s it. His eyes hit the coffee table in front of us, sightlessly staring as he tries to figure out how to start. My heart beat kicks up. I can feel myself starting to tremble with the building suspense. I’m sitting there, waiting on him, trying to be patient, but the tension is mounting as the silent seconds tick by.

  Finally, he sucks in a deep shuddered breath, his hands clasping mine as his eyes regain their focus and turn to mine, “I want to tell you everything, Gia. But I’m just not ready for that yet. A lot of it, I still don’t know how to talk about. But I can tell you some of it.”

  He sucks in another deep breath, and I squeeze his hands, letting him know that whatever he has to tell me, is okay. I’m here. I told him once that I wouldn’t leave him and as I stare into his beautiful blue eyes, I know with absolute certainty that nothing he can say to me now will change that.

  “I met Kelly, my now ex-wife, when I was in medical school. The day of my father’s funeral, actually.” He smiles at that, but it’s the saddest smile I’ve ever seen on him. “Happiness and love were two things I never really experienced before I met her, and as a result, I did whatever it took to perpetuate them. I did love her,” he says, watching my expression as he does. “I won’t deny that, but after meeting you, and being with you, I realize it was always…inadequate. Lacking that crucial indescribable piece which would make it real and whole.”

  I lean in and kiss the corner of his lips. He smiles down on me, some of the light returning to his eyes. He tells more about Kelly. About how they found out about her being pregnant the day he asked her to move in with him. The way his mother never liked her and how he probably should have listened when she told him she was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He tells me about Logan and I weep silent tears for his unfathomable loss. He goes on to explain how Kelly deceived him in the most egregious of ways and because of that, he hasn’t wanted to put him in that position again.

  But that’s where he stops. He doesn’t continue. He doesn’t get into specifics about what Kelly did. Not yet anyway. I know he will when he’s ready. But there is still one thing that I don’t quite get.

  “What made you change your mind then? About us, I mean.”

  Finn releases my hand and cups my face. His nose dips down, brushing against mine. “You did.” His lips press to mine, before he draws back so to see me. “You never gave up on me, Gia. You loved me no matter what. You have no idea what that means to me.” Another kiss. “A good friend reminded me that it takes a brave person to continue to fight, even when you’re scared and in pain. That I’d be a fool not to fight for you. He was right.”

  I climb into his lap and take his face in my hands. “Thank you,” I say. “I know it wasn’t easy to tell me about Kelly or about Logan.” I lean in and kiss him before I drop my forehead to his. “History doesn’t always repeat itself, Finn. Sometimes it’s like a lightning strike. I know there’s a lot more you haven’t told me, but I won’t be another storm for you to weather. I’m the sunshine you feel when it’s all done.”

  Epilogue

  Finn

  One year later

  It’s a cliché. I can’t help that. And typically, it’s not my style to fall into those. But this day represents so many different things for me now and I can’t think of a better way to do it. A better woman to do that with. Because the moment I saw her, walking into my ED with that ridiculous black gown on, I knew she was going to change my life. I knew she was going to be the one to bring me back to the land of the living.

  It just took a really long time to accept it. To trust it.

  To want to trust it.

  But I do now and here we are. Christmas Day. Again.

&
nbsp; I won’t lie and say I’m not terrified, because I am. There are so many unknowns. So many things could go wrong and take all of this built-up endurance and smash it into nothing. I have no control over that and I am a man who likes control.

  But who the fuck cares?

  She’s the ride. The high. The life that pumps through my blood and tells everything else they’re wrong. That they have no idea. Gia walks up to me, that smile which I dream about, on her full red-tinted lips.

  She’s beautiful.

  So much more now. Unfathomable that it’s even possible.

  “You’re a good sport,” she says to me, wrapping her arms around my stomach and leaning into my side. “I know you hate this.”

  She’s right. I do hate it. Family gatherings can go screw themselves. “Just remember that later, when you’re exhausted and I want sex.”

  Gia laughs, rolling her eyes at me.

  Those pretty aqua eyes.

  The ones that remind me of the waters off the coast of Exuma in the Bahamas. That’s exactly why I took her there for vacation.

  “I’m always up for sex. You’re the one who’s going to have to turn me down soon.”

  “Never,” I say as I kiss her lips.

  Those pretty lips.

  The color of the dress I bought her for tonight. Crimson. It is Christmas after all.

  My hands glide along her body and I find myself wishing my mother wasn’t here. Or her mother. Or her mother’s new husband, George. Or our friends. Because, Gia.

  Gia. Gia. Gia. It’s all about Gia. It will always all be about Gia.