I froze at the first mention of my night terrors. My mind began shutting down, though a small niggling thought flashed. The dreams and hyperventilating never occurred to me as a reason to use breath play. The pinch to my nipple pushed back the haze slightly.
“You asked and I’ll always tell you the truth, girl. I’m not delving deeper just trying to help the consequences of the dreams. I’m not a shrink, just the man who loves you.”
He loved me. The words neither of us said. My lips trembled as I tried to hold back tears. His powerful arms lifted me to my feet. His head lowered and he kissed me. This kiss wasn’t about dominance or possession. It was gentle and thorough.
He pulled back. “I love you,” he said again.
My words of love stayed locked inside. I felt vulnerable, too vulnerable. I cherished Luke’s declaration, but almost wished he hadn’t said it. There was too much locked inside me to give everything. Luke deserved it all.
It didn’t appear my lack of a reply mattered. “Movie night. You choose.” He gave me a full smile.
We had shared nights like this before; mostly Sundays when he didn’t have practice. His giving me control of movie selection didn’t happen often. Luke loved nothing better than a shoot ’em up action adventure, while my tastes ran more to subtitled dramas. His movie collection included everything under the sun. More than half remained in their original cellophane packaging. He collected them for his subs. I remembered the movie I planned to watch the last weekend I had with Luke. Normally I would watch it Friday or Saturday night while he rehearsed, but him giving over the selection choice was too good for me to pass up.
He interlocked his fingers with mine as we walked to his home theater. He reclined against his couch while I looked through his alphabetized selection for the one I wanted. I pulled the box out and immediately noticed it was unwrapped. I turned it over in my hands and gave Luke a slight smile.
“You actually watched this?” I asked as I walked to the couch and showed him the box.
“I doubt it,” he said with a laugh. “You truly want me suffering don’t you?”
It took a few seconds for the small details to sink in. I looked down at Luke. “You had a submissive after me.” Why did I feel hurt? Betrayed? It was so stupid. I knew Luke wouldn’t go long without someone to dominate.
“Come here.” He pulled me down beside him. “I’ll always be truthful, so if you want the story, I’ll tell you.”
I couldn’t look at him, just nodded. I felt small and insignificant and hated my weakness. He tipped my chin up until I looked into his soft brown eyes, devoid of the sadist within. “There were two of them.” Hell, my heart ached. “They came as a team and lasted two weeks. I fucked them around the clock during those two weekends and it did no good. They weren’t you.”
“Two at the same time?” It was so ridiculous that now I wanted to laugh.
“I limped for an entire week after they left.” He kept a straight face, but I could see the sparkle in his eyes.
“You lie.” My smile broke through.
“A women sandwich is not the dream situation most men think it is. I chaffed so badly, I almost went to the doctor.”
I started laughing. I had no idea if he was serious or not. I just couldn’t picture intimacy like we shared if there were two of them. Probably a stupid thought, but two was better than one in my book for all the wrong reasons. And that made it acceptable.
“Now it’s your turn. We were apart for six months. What did you do and who with?”
His arms had tightened fractionally and I knew he was keeping the question lighthearted, but he wasn’t feeling as easygoing as he tried to appear.
“I visited a club twice that first month. Didn’t work and I didn’t connect with anyone I was willing to try more than a public scene with.”
“Didn’t work how?”
I could feel the heat race up my cheeks. “I didn’t get off.”
“Good.”
I gave a slight shove to his chest, but my hand remained pressed against his warm flesh. “You’re horrible.”
“You or me. That’s who will get you off.”
I playfully pinched his nipple. “I still don’t think I can get off by myself.”
“Trust me, girl. We’ll find something that’s safe and does it for you every time.”
From the look in his eye, he believed it. Movie nights were one of the few times Luke relaxed his dominant side. It was several weeks into our relationship before I realized he didn’t mind my boldness on these nights. Now, my hand moved lower until I cupped his cock, which unsurprisingly was rock hard.
“This and a drumstick do it for me every time.”
He moved my hair aside, leaned in, and bit my shoulder, hard. “Naughty girl. Your body needs a break and so does that sweet pussy. Let’s watch something romantic.”
Each word breathed against my skin sent shivers clear to my toes. I squeezed his cock lightly before moving my hand up. The man wanted romance and for some reason I was in the mood for blood and guts. Compromise was the key. After all, he’d given me the choice.
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I chose the foreign version because I’d seen the English one. I rested my head in Luke’s lap when the movie started. His erection settled down a bit a while later. My desire for him to fuck me did not. He’d told me he loved me and I wanted to show him how much I loved him, even if I couldn’t say the words.
The next thing I knew, Luke lifted me in his arms. I’d fallen asleep sometime in the middle of the movie. I wrapped my arms around his neck. I wasn’t exactly a small woman, but I felt like a pixie when Luke carried me. I swear his flexed arms turned me on as much as his rippled abs. I tiredly thought about working out with him in the morning and afterwards having a full day together. I smiled.
I slept like the dead. No nightmares, just the warmth of Luke’s body surrounding mine.
Chapter Twenty
Luke
We woke up after seven—much later than a usual Monday morning. I could tell by her breathing that Machala was awake. “What are you thinking about, girl?” I asked into the quiet room.
“Hmm, touching you. I always want to touch you while you sleep.” Her voice sounded drowsy and sexy.
“I won’t stop you.” There were times to be dominant and times to give your sub what she wanted. This was the latter. I expected her hands to travel my chest, arms, even ass. I saw the way she stared at me. A hungry lioness came to mind. What I didn’t expect were her hands on my face.
She moved up a little, using her elbow to prop herself. I closed my eyes as her soft fingers traveled across my jaw, moving to my cheeks and even along my nose.
“You’re beautiful,” she whispered.
I didn’t think any man alive wanted to be called beautiful. At least not until this moment. Her thumb swiped across my eyelid before her fingers went to my lips. Now they ran across the outline of my mouth and one finger slipped inside. I bit down, but she didn’t withdraw. My little masochist. God, I loved her. We were made for each other, secrets and all.
“Why the piercing?” she whispered against my lips after slowly withdrawing her finger.
I opened my eyes slightly. “You’re mine.”
“Have you pierced one of your subs before?”
“No.”
She looked skeptical. “Then how did you know what you were doing?”
“It’s how I earned money before the band made it big.”
I didn’t expect a pillow in the face. “You rat.”
I had her on her back a second later. “Your rat.” I lowered my mouth to her nipple. “These next,” I said before sucking the tip past my lips. I pulled back, letting it pop from my mouth. “The problem,” I said as I nuzzled the other one, “is that they take longer to heal and I won’t be able to do this…” I bit down until a groan escaped her lips. “We’ll wait awhile longer.” I bit down again knowing her nipples were sore from the clamps. She pulled my head in closer instead o
I growled because with her new piercing, I had to use a condom. It’s something we would discuss after she healed. We were both tested when she was my sub before and I had stopped using them except for anal. I wanted nothing more than to slide my bare cock home, but it was safer for her if I covered it.
I struggled to reach the bedside drawer and pull a condom out. I didn’t let go of her nipple when I did it and she cried out. I released her and rested back on my legs between her thighs. “You aren’t to come until we’re in the playroom later.”
This time her groan was louder.
“You have something you want to say?” I put my hands down beside her chest and pushed my cock in deep. I knew she’d be wet and ready.
“No fair,” she bit out.
“Exactly.”
***
Machala
This time was entirely different from our weekend D/s of the past. Luke didn’t push for answers I wouldn’t give. Our daily sessions in the playroom were different. He made me masturbate repeatedly as he added different toys. The sadist in him loved watching me writhe against the bindings. I whined and even cried when my body wouldn’t cooperate, but Luke patiently persisted until I got off. I almost grew to hate the word “again.”
He didn’t let up. If I managed to orgasm twice he added breath play. They became the most intense orgasms of the day. I don’t think there was anyone on earth I would trust to take me where Luke did.
The change in our relationship included me going to Wednesday night practice with the band. He told me I was coming on the weekend too. Coming was the proper word. Fuck, he was sexy when he played. And he sang. Not something I knew about him. His voice was like everything else. Dominant.
The rehearsal studio was at Krispin’s, so I was able to spend time with Angela.
She nudged me with her shoulder. “Junior here does backflips when the boys play. He’s already a rocker.” She rubbed her belly. “I would swear I was having twins he’s getting so big. The ultrasound only shows one, but maybe he’s just covered by his brother.” She laughed, then stopped suddenly and touched my arm. “You okay, Machala?”
Blood pounded in my head. “I… I’m good.”
“Have you seen him play before?”
I had to focus on her words and it still took a split second to make sense of them. “No, this is the first time.”
“That explains it. Wait until you see them in concert. The intensity is ramped so high you could have an orgasm just watching.”
Angela was so sweet and she thought my near panic attack was because of seeing Luke rehearse. The cause of my fucked up mental stability was a place I couldn’t go and I barely managed to control myself. I breathed in and out, counting to twenty before I inhaled and then again when I exhaled. Angela left to go lie down. My hands fisted so tight that cramps formed before I could relax them.
“Machala.”
Luke was holding my arm. The band had stopped playing and I hadn’t even realized it.
He didn’t say another word. He pried my fingers open, weaved his through, and pulled me to Krispin’s dungeon. He shut the door behind us and pressed me against the cold wood.
“Breathe, Machala.”
I was. Or at least trying. His fingers circled my throat, pressing in. My eyes shot to his. With his other hand he unzipped himself and without protection, he moved my panties aside, lifted me, and drove his cock into my pussy. I clamped my legs around his hips.
“Breathe,” he said as he relaxed his fingers.
I couldn’t hold back the tears and he stopped moving. “No, don’t, Luke. Fuck me hard, please.”
He did. I have no idea how much noise we made and I’m surprised the door didn’t cave. He pulled my hair until I thought he would leave me bald, and when that didn’t work, he rammed two fingers in my ass. No lube and it hurt but… it took me over the edge and I cried out as my body crashed. I was crying, but pulling air into my lungs.
“Shh,” he whispered against my ear.
I knew he suspected I was crazy. Hell, I was the ice queen. No panic attacks allowed for me. “I’m so sorry.” My forehead rested again his chest. His cock was still inside me.
“You shouldn’t be. Having my very own fuck bunny during practice is something I plan on growing accustomed to.”
He was attempting to change the mood. I shouldn’t let him, but I desperately wanted to forget my near out of control disaster. We cleaned up in the bathroom. Luke took special care of my piercing. He’d explained about condoms for the first two weeks, but I didn’t care that he hadn’t worn one. We were both clean of disease and fucking me was what brought me back from the edge.
Practice ended early and I knew it was at Luke’s urging. He held my hand during the ride home without asking questions. I knew how hard it must be for him. He controlled everything within his world and ninety-five percent of the time he controlled me. This was beyond us both.
We went to bed after quick showers. He didn’t try to stop me when I said I would use the one in my old room. After drying myself off, I crawled into bed beside him. “I love you,” he said before kissing me. I fell asleep lying on his chest with his heartbeat thudding in my ear.
This time I peered into a crystal lake. My image rippled. The rags of my youth hung from skeletal bones wrapped in tissue-thin skin. My jaw opened and shut like hinges. I was trying to say something, but no words formed because my vocal cords were already dust. My bones slowly faded and I reached out to touch my mirrored image. The dust blew away into the wind. No reflection peered back.
“You’re weak. You need me, Machala. Smile at the people so we can eat.” My mother held me away from the old man and pinched my lips so I smiled at him. It was only a matter of time before she would send me away.
I woke up screaming and fighting against the arms holding me down. I knew I was screaming, but I couldn’t stop. It wasn’t something I’d ever done. Flailing was normal. A small part of my brain knew it was Luke holding me down. The other part remembered my mother forcing me to smile. I screamed then too.
“Machala, breathe,” he repeated over and over.
I stopped because suddenly I couldn’t breathe at all. No air and the lack of oxygen sent a haze across my eyes. Luke pulled me up so I was sitting and slapped me hard across the face. Then again. I inhaled.
“I love you, girl. I’ve got you. I’m not letting go.” He rubbed my back while looking directly into my panicked eyes.
Slowly he lowered me back and I melted into the mattress. It was several minutes before my breathing calmed enough to speak. “You need to let me go, Luke.” It was true. He saved me from myself, but all of this was so unfair to him.
“Never.” His gaze held an unfathomable trust that only made it worse, so I closed my eyes.
I didn’t just hide from my weakness, I ran from it. “I’ll always be fucked up. Never normal.”
His palms settled on my cheeks as he breathed against my lips. “I don’t want normal. I love you, Machala. Look at me.” He would never convince me. I needed to leave, so I opened my eyes. Before the words left my lips, he pulled me up from the bed and practically dragged me through the house into the playroom. “By hell you’re not leaving me. No running, no hiding. Your secrets end today.”
“I’m leaving.” I jerked my hand from his grasp.
He caught me by the upper arm and pulled me away from the door he’d just kicked shut. “You aren’t going anywhere.”
I lost it. This went against our agreement. He’d promised this wasn’t part of the two weeks. I was furious and hurt at the same time. No, no, fuck no. I started kicking and scratching, raking my nails over his skin and kicking anywhere I could reach. He picked me up and flopped me over the spanking bench. He gave a sharp jerk to my hair when I tried to bite him. My legs were still flailing, and I knew I caught him somewhere that hurt because I heard his grunt of pain.
“Yeah fight, Machala.” His body was draped across my back, keeping me from lifting up. “It won’t do any fucking good. Scream too. I’m beating you until you bleed and you’ll love every fucking minute.”
Luke’s control was gone. “Fuck you. Red,” I screamed.
His laugh was anything but funny. He eased off my back and secured me to the bench, refusing to honor my safeword. He couldn’t be doing this. Forcing me went against everything D/s stood for. It didn’t matter that I craved the control he was exerting and that I needed him to force his way inside. The thought was just too terrifying and I took the easy way out. He knew it too. “You fucking bastard. I’ll never forgive you. I want out. I’m going home.”
He smirked as he tightened the straps at my wrists. “So the ice queen is back. I find her damn sexy, so please don’t stop.”
I screamed in frustration, despair, and fear.
He walked away and rummaged through his insidious tinker toys. I could hear him removing items, but I refused to look. I was breathing heavily, but I counted to ten knowing I needed to calm down. “Luke, release me. Red,” I said in the most reasonable voice I could manage.
He ignored me and went about creating his scene like I wasn’t in the room. Fear replaced my other thoughts. No. I couldn’t do this.
Suddenly, Luke jerked back on my hair, thrusting black lacquered drumsticks in my face. “We’ve never played with these. I keep them for special occasions.”
Tears rolled down my face. He had to stop. “Luke, please don’t do this.”
“I’ll always give you a way out, girl. Your safeword is something, anything about your nightmares. I don’t care if it makes no sense. I want something.”
“I hate you.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Luke
The lies she lived with couldn’t continue. I refused to allow her to destroy herself. She barely slept and I wasn’t as stupid as the first time she stayed with me. Then, I missed the small nuances that showed how exhausted she was. That would never happen again. And now something set her off without lack of sleep involved. Some trigger that no one but she understood. I couldn’t fucking help her if she wouldn’t talk to me. All my frustration from months ago came rising to the surface. I imaged her as a young child being raped, beaten, or both. I couldn’t stand the pictures in my head… the unknown.
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