by Hannah Ellis
“You know I love you really,” Max said, leaning over to kiss Lizzie.
“All right!” Josie said, pushing them apart. “Don’t go all lovey-dovey on me. It’s sickening.”
“How about we go down to the beach for a bit?” Lizzie said. “Swim and a picnic?”
Josie agreed, happily.
“Guess I’m making a picnic,” Max said. “Beats paperwork, I suppose.”
***
They spent a lovely afternoon on the beach. It was another thing Josie would miss: her spontaneous trips to the seaside to visit her sister. She tried not to dwell on it too much. She’d be back to visit as often as she could.
Alone in the car on the way back to Oakbrook, Josie’s thoughts inevitably lingered on Sam. She thought of him not telling her about his engagement and was angry with him again. If he didn’t think enough about their relationship to tell her about his past, then why had he made such a fuss about her leaving?
She’d worked herself into a state by the time she reached Averton, and she drove straight to Sam’s house. His van was on the drive but there was no answer at the door. It crossed her mind that he was ignoring her. Well, she’d just keep knocking and see how long until he let her in. She was hammering a fist against the door when she decided it didn’t seem like something Sam would do.
Then she heard the faint hum of a radio and followed the noise round the back of the house. She crossed the garden and saw him in the garage, hunched over a table with a look of concentration on his face. Her anger morphed quickly into sadness. She really did love him.
He stopped when he saw her and stood up straight, then walked casually over to her.
“Do you want a drink or something?”
She shook her head. What she really wanted was to put her arms around him and breathe in his scent. She wanted to laugh and joke with him and cover him in kisses. She didn’t want to feel so awkward around him. She clenched her jaw, trying her hardest not to cry.
“Can we talk for a minute?” She gestured the patio table and he pulled out a chair opposite her. She hesitated for a moment, watching a butterfly float across the lawn as she searched for something to say.
“Max explained why you won’t do a long-distance relationship. He told me about your ex.”
Sam’s eyes darkened. “It’s nothing to do with my ex. And Max should learn to mind his own business.”
“Don’t be annoyed with Max,” she said quickly. “If you’d talked to me he wouldn’t need to fill me in. Why didn’t you tell me about your ex?”
“This has nothing to do with my ex!” he said angrily. “It’s about you. You get bored and move onto the next thing. How long before you get bored of having a long-distance relationship and move on? I’m guessing not very long.”
“I don’t have a crystal ball,” she snapped. “I can’t tell you what will happen. All I can tell you is that I want us to try and make this work.”
“How would it even work? Would you come back on the weekends? Do you expect me to drive all the way to London—”
“Yes!” she shouted, shooting out of her chair. She gave up with her attempt not to cry. “Yes, sometimes I would expect you to get in a car and drive to see me. What’s so unreasonable about that?” A sob escaped her. “I expected you to tell me important stuff like previous fiancées. And I expected you to make a bit of effort for our relationship. I guess I expected too much!”
“Will you stop turning this around on me?” he said, his voice a low growl. “You’re the one who decided to move away. It’s you who isn’t giving our relationship a chance.”
She took a deep breath. “So you want me to turn the job down? Stay here for you? How well do you think that would work out in the long run?”
“It won’t,” he said sadly. “We want different things. Different lives.”
“I still want you in my life,” she whispered.
The silence stretched out uncomfortably, and when it became clear he had no more to say, Josie walked back around the house and into her car.
***
She spent a week hoping he’d change his mind. Every morning in the barn, she hoped he’d creep up and wrap his arms around her and tell her that he was an idiot, and they could survive any distance. He never showed up, though. Never called or messaged her.
She kept herself busy training up her replacement, a young woman called Heather. She’d just finished training to be a veterinary assistant but hadn’t managed to find a job in the field yet. She was quiet, but polite and respectful, and at least Josie wasn’t leaving Annette completely alone.
Josie also met up with Tara and Amber that week and had one last night in the Bluebell Inn on Friday evening. Sam was nowhere to be seen, and she decided it was probably a good thing. She didn’t want a big scene in front of the whole village. It was harder than she’d expected saying her goodbyes in the pub, especially to Tara and Amber.
She was due to leave on the Sunday, and on Saturday evening she couldn’t take it any more and ended up on Sam’s doorstep. He was unshaven and unkempt. He looked how she felt: a mess. When he stepped aside without a word, she wandered into the living room. There was a dip in the couch where he’d been lying.
“I don’t want to argue but I’m leaving tomorrow and I didn’t want to leave things as they were.” She sat on the couch and looked up at him with sad eyes. “I already miss you so much.”
Still he didn’t say anything, and she was surprised when he sat so close beside her. He put an arm around her and pulled her to him. She revelled in the warmth of him and then slowly moved her mouth to his. The kisses started slow and gentle but soon became urgent and frantic. Clothes were discarded in a frenzy, and they clung to each other desperately as they made love.
When she woke in his bed the next morning, the sun was streaming through the window. Their bodies were tangled amongst the sheets. He ran a hand through her hair and she propped her chin on his chest to look up at him.
She didn’t want to go anywhere.
Chapter 37
For the first few days in London, it felt like all Josie did was stare at her phone. She just wanted Sam to call. Her appetite had vanished and the ache in her chest was constant. It reminded her of when Sam had been working away and she’d missed him so much. Except this was way worse. A few weeks ago things had been so good. Now she was sleeping on Emily’s couch and waiting to start a job she wasn’t even sure she wanted any more.
That last night with Sam had arguably only made things worse. She’d been so tempted to stay with him but knew this was something she needed to do. It hurt her so much that he couldn’t be supportive.
She spent those first days wandering the streets, keeping out of Emily’s way while she was writing. It gave her time to think that she could’ve done without. Increasingly, she felt like she’d made a huge mistake. There was nothing she could do now, though. She could hardly go running back to Sam and promise to stay forever in Averton. The desire to call him was almost overwhelming sometimes. She wanted to ask about his day and tell him about hers. But the pain of missing him was mingled with anger at his stubbornness.
Four days after she arrived at Emily’s place, she got up while it was still dark and set off for her first day of work. It took an hour to get from Emily’s place in Shoreditch to the TV studio in Borehamwood. The underground was busy, even at that ungodly hour, and the bustle of people annoyed her in a way it never had before.
The television studio was far from being glamorous, just an old grey building. It took her a while to find the entrance. Eventually she found a couple of other people wandering around, looking as lost as her, and they walked the perimeter together until they found a door at the back with a piece of paper flapping in the breeze. The makeshift sign read This Military Life in barely legible scrawl.
Josie still felt half asleep when she sat in front of a mirror at 6.30 a.m. A busty brunette applied her make-up in thick layers. The foundation felt heavy on her skin and the false eyelashe
s made it a battle to keep her eyes open. Once the bright red lipstick was applied, Josie felt like laughing. It was quite a transformation. Her hair had been pulled into a messy top knot.
Staring in the mirror, she mentioned that she’d had a much more natural look when they’d filmed the pilot episode. Kate, the make-up artist, insisted she was following instructions and shooed her out of the chair, then beckoned for her next victim.
Josie was ushered to a holding room to wait for filming to start. She was uncomfortable in a mini skirt and shirt that gaped at the bust. The shoes were the worst, though – strappy sandals with three inches of stiletto heel. She kicked them off and sat barefoot.
The ridiculous shoes shouldn’t have surprised her. She’d worn a similar pair for the pilot. Somehow, she’d forgotten all about that, and when it did come back to her, she recalled how hilarious she’d found it last time. In fact, the first time she’d met Jack it was because he’d reached out to catch her when she’d wobbled on her heels. They’d had a great laugh about how high the shoes were. Jack had always made fun of how precarious she was in them.
Josie looked around the holding room. There were probably twenty other people, chatting in various groups. She kept her head down, looking at her phone. She wasn’t in the mood to be sociable. A group of girls in their early twenties laughed loudly at the other side of the room. Back when she’d filmed the pilot it had all seemed like fun to Josie too. Of course, she hadn’t given up anything for the acting job then. It had come along at just the right time and had been a big adventure. She’d met Jack on the first day of filming, while she’d been tottering round the holding area trying to get the hang of walking in high heels. Jack had made everything fun.
For the first time in a long time, Josie found herself missing Jack. Great! As if missing Sam wasn’t enough, now Jack too. He always knew how to cheer her up. On a whim, she scrolled to his number and pressed call.
He sounded happy to hear from her.
“I’m starting filming today,” she said. “I’m just sitting in the holding room.”
“That brings back memories,” he said. “Have you got crazy shoes again?”
She glanced at the discarded shoes. “Yes! They’re awful.”
“Have you fallen over yet?”
“No, but I’ve only had them on for about three minutes.”
“Shall we have a bet on how many times you fall? I’ll say five times today. And a trip or a stumble counts as a fall, okay?”
Tears stung her eyes. “I think I made a mistake, Jack.”
“Splitting up with me?” he said, mischief in his voice. “I knew you’d realise eventually!”
“No!” She managed to laugh through her tears. “Taking this job. I was happy at Oakbrook. I don’t know why I thought this was such a great idea.”
“Has this got something to do with the guy?” Jack asked.
“Maybe,” she said.
“It’s okay. You can talk to me about the other men in your life. I’ll probably cry myself to sleep tonight but I’ll pretend to be cool about it now.”
“Sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have called you. I just feel like my life is a mess.” She couldn’t help thinking about Sam’s comment about her not sticking at anything. Why couldn’t she find a job that she was content with?
There was a pause before Jack spoke. “You can call me whenever you want. And talk to me about anything. We always said we’d stay friends.”
She sniffed and fumbled in her bag for a tissue, hoping she wasn’t ruining her make-up. “Sam didn’t want a long-distance relationship,” she finally said. “He told me if I moved to London it was over between us. And now I miss him so much.”
“Call him,” Jack suggested. “Tell him you miss him. He was probably just upset. I bet he misses you too.”
“I don’t think it’s that simple. He’s hurt and angry. But he’s also adamant that he doesn’t want a long-distance relationship, and I can’t help but think that means he just doesn’t care enough.”
“Maybe he just needed some time to get used to the idea. Call him and talk to him again. Give him another chance.”
“I don’t know …”
“I’m not sure why I’m giving you that advice,” Jack said with a laugh. There were voices in the background. “Just a minute.”
“Are you at work?” Josie asked.
“Yeah.”
“Are there customers waiting for you?”
“Yeah. But some of these people really need a lesson in patience.”
“Jack!” She laughed. “Don’t lose your job because you’re chatting to me.”
“I better go then. But stop worrying so much, it doesn’t suit you.”
“That’s easy to say when you didn’t just give up a lovely life in the country for a job where you have to wear crazy shoes and more make-up than a clown.”
“The job will get better. I promise!”
“I hope so. Thanks, Jack.”
He told her they’d talk again soon before he ended the call.
She felt marginally better. Maybe Jack was right and she should call Sam.
The door to the holding area swung open a moment later and they were ushered down to the studio. It was strange being back on the same set that she’d been on before. It was so familiar, but she felt completely different.
The afternoon dragged on. They were filming some of the main characters chatting at the bar. A few soldiers with their wives and girlfriends. Josie barely paid attention. She spent a lot of the afternoon polishing glasses and keeping her back to the camera as she’d been instructed. There was no acting involved, really. If she turned towards the action she was supposed to keep a neutral expression and not react to anything. It was pretty easy. If they’d asked her to smile, she might have had a problem.
She had plenty of time to think that afternoon. By the time the director shouted “cut” for about the hundredth time, she was convinced that calling Sam was a good idea.
Chapter 38
It was late when Josie got home and she was exhausted after such a long day. Emily briefly looked up from her laptop and asked how the day had been. After an unenthusiastic reply from Josie, Emily disappeared into her bedroom, saying she needed to get a bit more writing done before bed.
Josie sat on the couch and slipped her aching feet out of her shoes. She checked the time. Just before 10 p.m. A little late to start making phone calls, but Sam would still be up. An image of him relaxing on his couch came to mind, and then she thought about the last time she was on his couch. The tightness in her chest returned. She wanted to be there with him.
The phone rang for a while before he answered. Josie’s heart was hammering so hard, she wasn’t sure she could talk.
“Everything okay?” he asked wearily.
“Yeah,” she said, finally finding her voice. “How are you?”
He sighed impatiently. “Fine.”
“Good.” She got the definite impression he didn’t want to talk to her, but she pressed on regardless. “Did you have a good day?”
“Yep.” He paused. “Were you calling for something in particular?”
“No. I just wanted to hear your voice.”
He didn’t reply, and in other circumstances she’d have made a joke about the irony.
“I started work today,” she said, desperate to fill the silence. “You should see the stupid shoes I have to wear …”
“I don’t really have time to talk now,” he said, speaking over her. His voice was so cold she barely recognised it. “I have to go.”
“Wait,” she said, sure he was about to hang up. She didn’t know what to say, though. “When will you have time to talk to me? Are you going to stay angry at me forever?”
“I’m not angry,” he snapped. “We want different things.”
Tears stung her eyes and she felt herself losing control of her emotions. “Can you stop being so stubborn and pig-headed? We can still work things out.”
He
went quiet again. “I don’t want to argue with you, Josie.”
“Just talk to me then.”
“We can’t keep having the same conversation. I’m going to hang up now.”
“No!” she said through a sob. “I miss you.”
For a moment she could hear him breathing and hugged the phone to her cheek.
His voice was soft. “Take care, Josie.”
Silence.
She wanted to call him back and scream down the phone at him. Or get in the car and go and shout at him in person. How could he be so cold? And how had they gone from things being so perfect to so awful in a matter of weeks? She was absolutely furious with him. And heartbroken at the same time.
She gripped the phone tightly, resisting the urge to throw it at the wall. Instead, she lay down and sobbed quietly into her pillow.
***
“You’re not making my job easy,” Kate, the make-up artist, said as Josie took a seat at her station the next morning. She’d barely slept and felt awful. If she made it through the day without bursting into tears it’d be a major achievement. Thank goodness she had a make-up artist to make her look human.
“I don’t even know where to start,” Kate said. “What happened? Did you break up with your boyfriend or something? You look like you’ve been up all night crying.”
“I have,” Josie said flatly.
Kate rolled her eyes and got to work. When Josie walked into the holding room, the gaggle of young girls were huddled in a corner laughing loudly. They were always bloody laughing. What exactly were they so happy about? They’d probably all spend the next couple of hours in the bland holding room, waiting to be called onto set. How was that fun?
There were several groups of people dotted around, and Josie wondered whether she’d feel better if she got to know some people. She recognised one or two people from filming the pilot but it was a long time ago now, and she’d really only had eyes for Jack back then.
After scanning the room, Josie decided she couldn’t face being sociable and sat alone once again.
