“Are you okay now?”
“No, so you need to leave. I’m not safe to be around, which is what I’m going to tell Ricky’s caseworker when she calls.”
Caitlyn grabbed his arm. “Don’t do that, Jack, at least not until you’ve had time to think it through.”
“There’s nothing to think about.” He stared down at her hand on his arm as if it were some kind of parasite. “The men in my family—my real family—were all little better than animals. I’m no different.”
Was he crazy? Her guilt over having considered calling Mrs. Harkens, the caseworker, herself only fueled her temper. “That’s crap, Jack McShane, and we both know it. You’re a good man, the best I’ve ever known. I feel safe with you. After being married to a bastard like Josh, do you know how hard it was for me to let someone get close to me again?”
He clearly wasn’t in the mood to hear it. “But—”
She stopped him. “No buts, Jack. If you were like the other men in your family, you would have never taken in a kid like Ricky in the first place, and those people were never your real family anyway. If you weren’t such a good man, Marlene and Tino wouldn’t love you as much as they do.”
Jack kept shaking his head in denial. “But I didn’t keep Ricky safe. He was going to leave.”
“And it hurts to know that, Jack, but he’s a kid. We both know they don’t always think things through. When he did, who did he call to come get him? You, Jack, nobody else. He knew you were the one person in the world who would come running no matter what, the one person who understands him better than anyone else could.”
His eyes looked so bleak. “If that’s true, why did he take off in the first place? Why didn’t he trust me to help him deal with his mother and stepfather?”
Clearly he thought that was his trump card. She wasn’t buying it, not for one second. “I’ll tell you why. It’s because the person who should love him the most, the one who should want him no matter how bad things get, told him he wasn’t worth keeping around. That kind of rejection can screw you up in so many ways.”
Jack sneered. “How would you know? Your parents might be on your case to date again, but you’ve never once said they didn’t love you.”
A familiar hollow pain set up shop in her chest as she ripped the scab off a wound that had never really healed. “Parents aren’t the only people who are supposed to love you no matter what. Don’t forget that wedding vows say something about richer or poorer and in sickness and in health.”
Jack’s eyes widened. “What are you saying?”
She forced herself to meet his gaze head-on even as she wrapped her arms around her abdomen to protect a child who was no longer there. “I’ve already told you that Josh never thought I lived up to his idea of what a wife should be and that I had even talked to an attorney about my options. What I didn’t tell you was that I was pregnant. God, Josh was so proud of himself. He was going to be a father, have a son, start his own dynasty.”
The tears came like they always did when she let herself think back to the worst period of her life. “Then I miscarried. Things went from bad to worse, and they had to do an emergency hysterectomy to save my life.”
Jack’s eyes hardened to the color of dark jade. “What did the bastard do?”
“He filed for divorce while I was still in the hospital. He said he needed a complete woman, not one who couldn’t provide him with a son.”
“That son of a bitch! He didn’t deserve a woman like you.”
“It took me awhile to realize that, but I finally did.” When Jack’s strong arms gathered her in close, she drew a shuddering breath and then forced a smile. “So when I say rejection on that level sometimes makes it hard to do the smart thing, I know what I’m talking about. For example, I should have told you that I love you before now, but I was afraid to let anyone have that much power over me again.”
Then she rose high enough to brush a kiss across Jack’s lips. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to spring all of that on you with no warning. Now, I’m going to go see Ricky in the hospital. He’ll need all the familiar faces around him he can get right now.”
Then she walked away, all too painfully aware that when she told Jack that she loved him, he hadn’t said a word in response. No surprise there. Even if he’d had some feelings for her, what man would want a woman who couldn’t give him children?
She made it all the way into her car before she saw him coming after her. There was nothing more to be said, so she started the engine and drove away.
Chapter 21
Jack watched Caitlyn’s car disappear down the street and cursed himself for being a fool. He’d just let the best thing that had ever happened to him walk away without doing a damn thing to stop her. Yeah, everything she’d just told him had left him feeling as if he’d been hit in the head with a two-by-four, but he still should have done something, said something.
Tracking down her ex-husband and pounding on him for a while wouldn’t change a thing for Caitlyn, but Jack would feel better knowing that someone had made the bastard pay for making her feel like anything less than amazing. Like he’d said, Josh hadn’t deserved her; Jack wasn’t sure he did, either. Still, she’d seen him at his worst and hadn’t run away. At least until he failed to accept the gift she’d all but handed him on a silver platter.
She loved him.
Unsure what to do with that particular bit of news, he headed back to the annex. He had a mess to clean up, and he wasn’t talking about the one he’d made trashing the place. Maybe he could make sense of what he should do next while he put the gym back together.
He’d picked up about half of the mess when the door behind him opened. It was too much to hope that it would be Caitlyn, but it was his brother standing in the doorway.
Tino surveyed the room and shook his head. “Tell me you didn’t trash the upstairs, too, because I won’t be happy if I have to sleep on the floor.”
Jack went back to sweeping up the broken pieces of the vase he’d knocked over. “No, I didn’t. I pretty much ran out of steam about the time I ran out of weights to throw around.”
“In case you’re interested, Ricky has been asking for you. Caitlyn told him that you had a few things to take care of, but that you’d be along presently.”
Tino sat down on the weight bench, looking almost as tired as Jack felt. “She wasn’t wrong about that, was she? Because I’m telling you that the kid looks pretty damned scared there in that hospital bed. Every time someone walks by the door, he checks to see if it’s you.”
Jack emptied the dustpan in the trash and put it and the broom away. After looking around for something else to do, anything that would keep him too busy to think, he finally gave up and sat down.
“I’ve really screwed up everything, Tino.”
His brother snorted. “There’s only one thing you’ve done wrong today, Jack. Ricky is the one in the hospital nursing a swollen jaw and a massive headache, and here you sit having your own private pity party. That kid needs you at the hospital, not sitting on your ass here.”
It was time for some hard truths. “I’m not so sure about that. I wanted to kill that guy for hurting Ricky again.”
Tino ran his hand over his face, a sign that today hadn’t been easy for him, either. “But you didn’t. You stopped him from hurting Ricky more than he already had and then let the cops take over.”
Jack held up his finger and thumb showing about a quarter of an inch between them. “I came this close to losing it, though.”
His brother’s laugh was harsh. “So did I, Jack. And I’m telling you right now, those two detectives wanted a piece of Lawrence, too. So if it’s a crime to want to give Ricky’s stepfather a good old-fashioned ass-kicking, then all of us would have been guilty.”
Then Tino got up and joined Jack on the couch. “We both know that a lot of what happened to Ricky has been an unwelcome blast from the past for you. I get that. Hell, I’ve been having a few flashbacks of my own. But right now,
this isn’t about either of us. It’s about Ricky and what he needs, and what he needs is you.”
Jack leaned back and briefly closed his eyes. Tino wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t already know. He also needed to make things right with Caitlyn, but he wasn’t ready to bring that up for discussion. She needed to be the first one to hear how he felt about her. So, back to the matter at hand.
“I want to be there for the kid like Joe was there for me. Better yet, I really wish Joe was here for both of us right now.”
Tino let out a big sigh. “Yeah, I miss him, too. Sometimes I pretend he’s sitting next to me and telling me what I need to hear.”
The two brothers lapsed into silence, each lost in his own memories of Joe Lukash. Then what Joe’s attorney had said that day in his office popped back into Jack’s mind. Something about holding on to the letters that Joe had left for them until the moment they most wished that Joe was there to help them deal with something major in their lives.
He jumped up off the couch and headed up to his room. He dug the letter out of the dresser drawer and then parked his backside on the bed. His gut said this was the right moment to read the letter. At the same time he was reluctant to open the envelope.
Tino had followed him up the stairs. “Go ahead and read it, Jack. What can it hurt?”
“I know this sounds stupid, but I’m afraid to see what he had to say to me. Not to mention it almost feels like I’d be saying goodbye to him again.”
His brother shrugged. “It’s up to you. I’m going to take a quick shower. If you’re not going back to the hospital soon, I’ll need to go relieve Mom.”
Jack waited until he heard the water running in the shower before he finally pried open the envelope, taking care not to tear it. After unfolding the single piece of paper that was covered with Joe’s familiar neat writing, he skimmed the contents and then went back up to the top to read it again with greater care. It was hard to focus through the sheen of tears in his eyes, but that didn’t matter. He cherished every word that Joe had written there for him to see.
Dear Jack,
If you’re reading this, well, we both know I’m not there anymore. Sorry about that. I’ve thought long and hard about what I’d want to tell you if I only had one last chance to offer you advice.
So here goes: Cut yourself some slack, boy. You’re not your father and never have been.
Everyone has a mixed bag of characteristics. Some good, some bad. Some you pick up along the way. Others come hardwired in your genes. Just remember that it’s what you do with those characteristics that matters.
Yeah, you have a temper. Big deal. So did I, even if my fuse was a bit longer than yours. The important thing to remember is that never once in your whole life have you used that temper against someone smaller or weaker than you.
You learned to focus your intensity in safe ways, something your old man would never have even thought of trying to do. I’m guessing the men and women you served with were damn glad to have someone like you fighting at their side.
When you doubt yourself, think back on the lives you’ve saved, the helpless you’ve protected, and all the people who love you—like me. I was proud to be your dad.
Love, Joe
After reading the letter a third time, he folded it up and slid it back into the envelope. He looked up at the ceiling as if that’s where the man who chose to be his father would be waiting to hear Jack’s response.
“Message received, Dad. I love you, too. I wish you were here to meet Caitlyn and Ricky. I’m going to ask them both to be my family, just like you and Mom asked me to be part of the one you were building. Wish me luck.”
Then he grabbed his car keys and hit the floor running.
—
Marlene picked up her purse. “Since Caitlyn’s here, Ricky, I’m going to go home and check on Jack and Tino before I take a long nap. One of us will be back to relieve her soon.”
The boy shook his head. “I’ll be okay by myself. You should go, too, Caitlyn.”
The two women exchanged a look over the boy’s head. Like either of them would leave him alone like that. Marlene patted him on the arm. “Don’t be silly, Ricky. No one is going to leave you alone. That’s not how family works.”
She turned her attention to Caitlyn. “I would like to talk to you out in the hall for a minute if that’s all right.”
There was no way to refuse the older woman, but Caitlyn wasn’t looking forward to hearing what Marlene wanted to tell her. On the other hand, if she asked about Jack, she didn’t want to be the one to tell her that he’d gone on a rampage back at the house.
“I’ll be right back, Ricky.”
He grunted in response and closed his eyes. She followed Marlene out into the hall. As usual, Jack’s mother didn’t pull any punches. “When you stopped by the house, I’m guessing Jack did something to upset you, like perhaps you saw him venting his anger over what happened to Ricky.”
There was no use in denying it. “He was throwing his weight set around the annex when I got there.”
Marlene sighed and stared out into the gathering darkness outside the window at the end of the hall. Worry for her son and the boy in the hospital bed down the hall left her looking older than her years. “Jack has always been so hard on himself. None of this was his fault. But knowing my son, he’s shouldering all of the blame for what went wrong. I’m actually surprised he kept it together as long as he did.”
She shook her head. “I suspect that seeing him out of control like that probably scared you a bit.”
Caitlyn wouldn’t lie to the other woman, who loved Jack as much as she did. “A little. I actually went through your house to make sure everyone was safe, but at that point I didn’t know what had happened. I almost left, but then I realized Jack shouldn’t be alone. It took some doing, but I finally got him to tell me what happened. Afterward, I did my best to convince him that he couldn’t have known what Ricky was going to do.”
Marlene laughed a little. “I imagine he didn’t agree. I swear, no matter how hard Joe and I worked to make him realize that he’s nothing like his grandfather or father, he still expects to turn out just like them. For what it’s worth, this is the first time I’ve known him to lose it that badly in more than ten years. He’s been through a lot in the past few months—losing his career, losing Joe, and then almost losing Ricky, too.”
Caitlyn understood all too well how hard it was to hold your life together when all the losses kept adding up. “I did tell him that people like his father and grandfather would never have lifted a hand to help Ricky in the first place and wouldn’t have cared about what happened to him today. Jack is a good man, and I told him that Ricky needed him now more than ever. The real problem is that he doesn’t realize that he needs Ricky just as much.”
Marlene surprised her with a hard hug. “You’re a wise woman, Caitlyn Curtis. And considering my son’s stubborn nature, I hope you’re also a patient one.”
Caitlyn soaked up the warmth of the other woman’s embrace. “All I can do is promise to try. Right now, it’s back in Jack’s court.”
“It is, isn’t it?” Marlene dug her keys out of her purse. “I’ll let you get back in there with the boy, so he doesn’t think we’ve all deserted him. As I told him, one of us will come relieve you soon.”
“I’ll be here.”
“I’m sure Ricky appreciates your being here with him. After today, he needs to be reminded that there are people who really do care about him.”
Marlene started to walk away but then turned back. “I’ll make sure whoever comes back brings you dinner and maybe a few treats for Ricky.”
“You spoil that boy, Marlene. But like you said, he needs all the reminders he can get that people love him.”
And that was true of Jack as well, but she suspected his mother knew that, too.
As soon as she walked back into Ricky’s room, he asked, “Jack isn’t coming back, is he? He hates me for running away again.�
�
The catch in Ricky’s voice was the only evidence of what that simple statement cost him. Caitlyn didn’t want to lie to him, but she honestly didn’t want to make promises that she couldn’t keep. She settled for a partial truth. “No, he doesn’t hate you, Ricky, but what happened today hit Jack pretty hard. He feels like he failed you by not getting there in time to keep your stepfather from hurting you again.”
It was hard to read the teenager’s expression with his face distorted by the swelling and bruises. He looked so young and lost lying there in that bed. At the same time, the expression in his eyes was so old and resigned to the world not being a happy place. “Not his fault. I ran off without telling him again. I knew what might happen.”
She took Ricky’s hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. “And he understands why you’d want to see your mother, Ricky. Granted, it would have been smarter to take some backup with you, but Jack also knows why you didn’t. He’d never hold that against you.”
The teenager held Caitlyn’s hand in a death grip but turned his face away from her. “I won’t make that mistake again. She doesn’t want me in her life. Not now. Not ever.”
“I’m sorry to have to say this, but she’s an absolute fool.”
“I don’t know what I did to make her hate me like this.”
It hurt to hear the bewildered resignation in his voice. “Oh, honey, it’s nothing you did. Maybe losing your father broke something in her, and some people just don’t have room in their hearts for anyone other than themselves. My ex-husband was like that, and nothing I ever did made him happy. Regardless, it’s hard to know what to do when the people who should love you just don’t.”
Caitlyn stood up and tried to gather the boy into her arms without jarring him unnecessarily. For the second time in one day, she was going to share her own pain in the hope of easing someone else’s. “I had to have surgery that means I’ll never be able to have children of my own, Ricky. But even if that hadn’t happened, I’d give anything to have a son like you in my life.”
Always for You: Jack (Sergeant Joe's Boys #1) Page 24
