by A. D. Ellis
“Did they start something physical at the first meeting?” Luke was eyeing the scar on Sawyer’s forehead.
“No, they waited to do the physical damage once they caught me alone on a park path.” Sawyer’s jaw gritted against the memory. “There’s no way I could have taken on three grown men at once. Even if I could have, they didn’t fight fair. They roughed me up pretty good. Right before I blacked out, I called out to Decker in my mind. We’ve always had this weird ability to know when the other was in trouble.”
“My God, Sawyer. What did they do to you?” Luke reached for his hand and held it tightly.
“Gash in my forehead, broken ribs, bruised kidneys, busted lip and nose, concussion. Those were the main injuries.” Sawyer laughed humorlessly, “I was lucky they didn’t rape or sexually assault me.”
“Lucky? Yeah, some luck.”
They both knew Sawyer was truly very fortunate his attackers hadn’t done worse to him, but the thought of the physical pain he’d endured made it difficult to feel very lucky.
“They weren’t very bright and left a lot of evidence. They were also on the security cameras, and all three threw each other under the bus in the interrogations. The judge here in town was quick to give them the stiffest sentence he could. They were transferred to separate jails not long ago, and their families traveled with them.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hate I wasn’t here to protect you or help in some way.” Luke kissed Sawyer’s hand.
“It’s okay. They are gone, you’re home, and I’m doing fine now.” Sawyer replied sincerely.
“They may be gone, but there are always more like them, aren’t there?” Luke’s apprehension was palpable.
“Yeah, there will always be people like them; there are mean people everywhere. We just have to focus on the good: our families, our friends, each other. I’d like to think enough people doing good in this world can overshadow all of the bad.”
“You’re pretty amazing, you know that?” Luke smiled at him.
“I don’t know about that, but thanks.”
***********
They arrived at the aquarium just as it was opening. As Sawyer started to throw his car door open, Luke grabbed his hand. Sawyer looked down in surprise. Cocking his head the side he whispered, “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good. It’s just, um, well…”
“Go ahead, I’m listening.” Sawyer caressed a thumb across the back of Luke’s hand.
“Wow, are you really this perfect?” Luke smirked and shook his head.
“Perfect? Hardly. But whatever I am is all yours, so tell me what you were thinking.”
“I just wanted to say that aside from our library non-date and today, I’ve never really been on a date with a guy. I’ve barely been on dates with girls. I’d go a lot of places by myself, which didn’t bother me, and I’ve hung out with some pretty decent groups of people in my travels, but a one-on-one actual date? This is a first.”
Luke stopped and looked at Sawyer bashfully.
“You’re my first for a lot of things. And I just want to say thank you. It’s like I didn’t know I was missing out until I find myself doing things for the first time with you. Then I realize I was missing out, but I’m not now. And honestly, I’m glad I missed out so that we can do these things together now when I can actually appreciate and enjoy them.”
He leaned in to kiss Sawyer, and whispered, “It’s my promise to my mom, myself, and you. To be happy.”
Sawyer got the impression that Luke wanted to talk about the let love in, let love win part of his mother’s letter as well, but he seemed to get nervous and stopped before he uttered the L-word.
“Well, let’s go be happy together. After all, we gays are really good at being happy.” Sawyer smiled cheekily.
As they walked toward the ticket booth, Sawyer let his hand brush against Luke’s casually. “So, while we’re discussing things, where do you stand on public displays of affection?”
“I’d prefer no heavy making out since we’re in a family oriented place and it’s broad daylight, and that has nothing to do with gay or straight, I just don’t like to see tongue and groping in public. Now, if it was a dark nightclub, my expectations would be a bit different.” Luke laughed when Sawyer muttered something about getting him in a dark nightclub sometime soon.
“I’m sure the looks and stares will take some getting used to, but I’m okay with some hand holding here and there, and the occasional kiss. I just don’t want to make a show of what we have. Whenever I see couples of any sex making out heavily or hanging on each other, I always feel like they are trying to prove to the world they have something sexy.” Luke bumped his hip against Sawyer’s as he continued, “I already know I have something sexy, I don’t need to prove it to the world.”
Sawyer smiled ear-to-ear just as his phone buzzed.
Kendrick: Hey, what’s Luke’s number?
Sawyer: Why? Don’t mess up my date, fucker.
Kendrick: I won’t mess it up. Just give me his number. I like the guy, I may want him to be my best bro-friend.
Sawyer: Oh Lord, help us. Be good, please, I like him too. Like REALLY like him. 555-611-1993
Sawyer slid his phone back in his pocket. “So, I may have just given Kendrick your phone number. I’m not sure what he’s up to. He says he likes you and wants to be your best bro-friend. Let me know if he gets to be a pain in the ass.” Rolling his eyes and laughing, Sawyer clarified, “I mean if he gets to be any more of a pain in the ass.”
As if on cue, Luke’s phone buzzed.
Unknown: Hi sexy, it’s Kendrick, Sawyer’s much hotter, much sexier cousin.
Luke: Hi Kendrick. I’ll add you to my contacts.
Luke laughed as he assigned the name and number to his phone. “That was Kendrick your ‘much hotter, much sexier cousin.’” Luke put air quotes up and Sawyer rolled his eyes again. Luke’s phone buzzed with another text.
Kendrick: Take him to the prairie dog exhibit. It makes him horny. He loves watching those little dogs go in and out of holes.
Kendrick: Or take him to the elephants. He likes when their trunks get all long and stiff.
Kendrick: Okay, okay, last one. Take him to the dolphin show, he gets really excited when they touch their nose to those low hung balls.
Luke: You realize we’re at the new aquarium, right? Not the zoo. But I have to give you an A for effort and creativity. Can we enjoy our date now?
Kendrick: Awww, so sweet, my little boy is growing up. Yes, you little love birds, go enjoy your date. All kidding aside…you’re good for him, and I’m really glad you came back.
Sawyer returned from purchasing the tickets.
“I still think I should have bought the tickets since this was my plan.” Luke protested.
“It was actually my plan to begin with, you just followed through with it on a later date. You can buy next time.” Sawyer squeezed Luke’s hand briefly. “What’s got you so smile-y?”
“Kendrick. He kept sending me messages about which animals make you horny, but he was naming mostly zoo animals. He’s a funny guy.” Luke showed Sawyer the texts from Kendrick.
“Good Lord, that man is not right. Seriously, I sometimes wonder about him.”
They laughed and headed into the aquarium for a day of fun.
***********
“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you stopped to read every single information plaque in the entire aquarium.” Luke threw his head back against the seat and sighed dramatically.
“What? Don’t you want to know about the animals you’re seeing?” Sawyer chuckled. He had been able to tell pretty early on that his habit of reading every sign was annoying Luke.
“Yes, I’d like to know their name, maybe native country, and something cool like if they can kill me or not.” Luke looked at Sawyer incredulously, “I don’t need to know their domain, kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, and species like a certain someone seemed to be trying to memoriz
e for all 714 animals we saw today.” Luke rolled his eyes and shook his head.
“Well, excuse me for wanting to be informed. By the way, could you have walked any faster? I felt like I was with a mall speed walker. The animals must have been a blur to you as you sped on by.” Sawyer challenged.
“No worries, I got to see them multiple times as I walked by over and over waiting on you to catch up.” Luke shot back.
Reaching a hand out to curl it around the back of Luke’s neck, Sawyer pulled him close. “Look at us, our first little spat. We are so stinkin’ cute.” He kissed Luke softly. “Mmmm, now let’s get home so you can fix me some dinner.”
Sawyer smiled as Luke fell asleep on the way home. His heart swelled as he watched the man sleep. Is this what love feels like? He recalled a conversation in college with Adam about looking for love, longing for it. Had he found it? Wasn’t it too soon to call it love? Luke stirred and Sawyer averted his attention back to driving them home.
When they entered Luke’s place, Sawyer smiled as Luke immediately started giving him chores to do.
“Turn the oven on, please.”
“Go take a shower to wash the animals and humanity filth from your body.”
“Go pick up some wine, some whipped cream, and a movie.”
Sawyer raised a brow as he questioned the last direction.
“Please, just go so I can get dinner ready without spoiling the surprise.” Luke pleaded.
It was so cute that Sawyer had no choice but to comply. He knew Luke was excited to do this for him.
After picking up the wine and movie, he drove to his house knowing they had an unopened can of whipped cream. Grabbing it from the refrigerator, he wandered upstairs to see who was home and what was going on.
Kendrick’s door boasted of its signature do not disturb sock hanging on the knob. Rolling his eyes and shaking his head, Sawyer popped his head into Decker’s room, but it was empty. Zach’s truck was gone, so he didn’t even bother checking his room.
Bounding down the stairs, he checked in the office and found Decker and Katie pouring over spreadsheets. They both looked up in shock when he came in shaking the whipped cream can.
Raising his eyebrows and fighting a smile, Decker nodded toward the can, “Big night planned there, bro?” Katie giggled and Sawyer blushed.
“No, Luke’s making me a surprise dinner. He sent me out for wine, a movie, and whipped cream. I knew we had whipped cream here so I stopped by. I think he plans on putting it on the chocolate pie he’s making for me.” Sawyer winked.
“Yeah, I’m sure it’s only going on the pie. Don’t worry about returning that can, we’ll get a new one at the store.” Decker shook his head and smiled knowingly.
“So, what are you guys looking at?” Sawyer nodded his head at the spreadsheets.
“Enrollment numbers. We wanted to see if that incident with Matt, Joe, and Ben caused enrollment to drop. Initially, it looked like we had about 20 kids and adults drop out of various programs, but the numbers since you talked to the town show those 20 have re-enrolled in the original programs and we’ve had an influx in several other membership areas. So, it could have been coincidental with the drop outs following the incident, but either way your speech did a whole lot of good. I think it was very beneficial for people to see you and hear from you. You were sincere and personable, the people loved you. Of course, you’ve had most of this town in the palm of your hand since we were young.” Katie smiled at him and winked.
“Can I ask you guys something?” Sawyer shuffled nervously from foot to foot, absentmindedly shaking the whipped cream.
They looked at him, immediately concerned.
“It’s nothing too serious. I was just wondering, how did you guys know you loved each other?” Sawyer blushed as he spoke.
Decker and Katie looked at each other.
“She turned my world upside down, made my perfect control fly out the window, and I didn’t even care. All I was concerned about was spending time with her, making her smile, keeping her by my side. I fell hard and fast.” Decker winked at his girl over the desk.
“For me it was clear from almost the first moment he ran into me in the hallway. And I mean literally ran into me.” Katie laughed as she recalled the moment. “I felt different around him, nothing like I’d ever felt with anyone else. I had truly loved you, Sawyer, but this was different. This was grown up, serious, change your life love, not the young love and best friend love you and I shared. Kendrick and Zach purposely flirted with me to make Decker mad, but I felt nothing for them. None of the men I’d dated throughout college had ever made my heart flutter and swell the way he did. And he wasn’t trying to do it, it was just a natural reaction whenever we were together.” Katie finished and cocked her head to the side. “Why do you ask? Does this curiosity have anything to do with a certain martial arts instructor?”
“Maybe, maybe not.” Sawyer winked and waved goodbye. “You two have fun with those spreadsheets…maybe you should try spreading something on some other sheets sometime tonight.”
“Oh my God, Sawyer! That was as bad as Kendrick!” Katie threw a pencil at his retreating back as he laughed out loud.
***********
Walking into Luke’s place, Sawyer immediately noticed how delicious something smelled. Placing the wine on the counter, he put the whipped cream in the fridge and then surveyed the kitchen. Two huge baked potatoes sat on plates and the entire island was covered with every single baked potato topping imaginable.
“You made me a baked potato bar?” Sawyer was touched.
“Well, you’re always talking about how much you love it at your grandma’s, so I thought I’d try to recreate it here. I hope I got enough toppings.” Luke tried to act like it was no big deal, but Sawyer could tell he was proud of himself.
“Thank you, this is so sweet. No one has ever made dinner for me, unless they are a family member, and they don’t count.” Sawyer nuzzled his nose along Luke’s jaw. “Mmmm, I’m starving. For food now, and you later.”
They both filled their potatoes until the spud wasn’t even visible under all the toppings. “Lucky we can hit the gym tomorrow, it’s like we’re carb loading tonight.” They laughed and shoveled forkfuls in.
“How did the pie baking go?” Sawyer asked. The image of Luke smudged with flour, rolling pin in hand was somehow quite a turn on.
“I followed your grandma’s recipe to a T, so I hope it turns out well. I didn’t know you could make homemade pie crust; I always thought you just bought it in the store.”
When they finished their potatoes and wine, they made their way to the couch.
“Let’s start the movie and we can get pie about halfway through.” Luke suggested.
“Sounds good to me.” Sawyer plopped down on the couch and pulled Luke with him. Showering kisses all over his face, Sawyer thanked him for dinner. “Don’t tell my grandma, but your potato bar was just as good if not better than hers.” The kiss deepened when Luke grabbed hold of Sawyer’s shirt and pulled him close.
It was much, much later when they finally started the movie.
Chapter 19
The Center+ was good. His family was good. His friendship with Hayden was good. His relationship with Luke was beyond good.
But something was bothering him.
He spoke to Dr. Parks about it during a weekly session.
“I don’t even know if I can explain this the way it feels in my head.” Sawyer tried to sort his thoughts.
“Try.” Dr. Parks encouraged.
“Okay, I know you know about Luke’s past.” Sawyer had convinced Luke to start seeing Dr. Parks after he’d come back to town. Luke had agreed and seemed to be benefitting from talking about his past with the doctor.
“Don’t worry, I won’t ask you to break doctor patient confidentiality. But Luke’s told me he’s told you all about the abuse from the past.” Sawyer looked at the doctor, but just continued on because he knew the man would neither confirm nor d
eny what he’d just said.
“Anyway, I know Luke is emotionally and physically scared to bottom. And, this is where it’s really hard to explain, I could live the rest of our life being the bottom for him. Our sex life is great, I don’t feel short-changed or anything like that.” Sawyer glanced at Dr. Parks to see his reaction. As usual, the man had a completely neutral look on his face.
“I think I just feel like Luke isn’t completely ‘with’ me because of this physical and emotional roadblock from his past. I want him to feel completely free. I want him to be able to decide what type of sex we have based on what he wants, not based on his fear of physical pain or the nightmarish memories he still deals with occasionally.” Sawyer stopped and waited. “I think I also feel a little hurt that maybe he fears me? Like he’s afraid I’d hurt him, even unintentionally?
“You have the answer in you already, Sawyer. What do you think I’m going to tell you?” Dr. Parks waited patiently.
“You’re going to say that I need to share my feelings with Luke. Then you’re going to tell me that Luke has to find his way around this roadblock on his own, no one can do it for him.” Sawyer sighed deeply. “And to think I’m paying you for this.”
Dr. Parks chuckled, “See you next week.”
***********
“So, if I can’t get over the pain from my past, is that going to be a deal breaker?” Luke asked defensively as he paced the room. “Like if I never let you fuck me, we’re over?”
“No, never. That’s not even close to what I’m saying.” Sawyer shook his head vehemently. “I can honestly say that I could happily live the rest of my life with things just the way they are. Well, maybe throw in marriage and kids someday, but the sex setup is not a problem for me.”
