by Alice Ward
“Dragging me down?” I repeated. I didn’t remember Rochelle saying anything about this topic coming up in the interview.
“Yeah.” He nodded, then grinned like we were sharing an inside joke.
I sharply inhaled and rolled my shoulders. Sitting here and answering these asinine questions had pushed me close to my breaking point. “It sounds to me like you’re under the impression that all women are a burden.”
His smile faltered, and he quickly looked in Rochelle’s direction. “Well…”
“Well isn’t much of an answer.” I crossed my legs and calmly stared him down. “My publicist, Rochelle here, doesn’t drag me down. In fact, she’s the one who so kindly set this interview up for you.”
“You’re not sleeping with her… are you?”
Rochelle cleared her throat, preparing to say something. I jumped right in though.
“If you’re going to walk around with this viewpoint that people drag you down, you’ve got a rough road ahead,” I said, frost clinging to the words.
He held his hands up in surrender. “Hey, man. Sorry. I just wanted to talk about your famous single life. Some people really look up to you. If you get on Reddit, you can find all these threads about it. There are a lot of men who like how you’ve prioritized your life. To them, you’ve put women last.”
His last sentence rang out in the quiet room, the worst out of all the ones he’d thrown. You’ve put women last. It reminded me of Riley’s own accusations of my abusive treatment of women.
She was right. Just like this cocky little prick in front of me was right. I knew it, but I couldn’t stand it.
“And you admire this?” I responded with venom. “You think that putting people on the back burner and using them for your own entertainment is right?”
He blinked in confusion. “No, I just—”
“All right!” Rochelle chirped in an overly cheery voice. “We’re out of time. Thank you so much for this. We can’t wait to read the article.”
She put her hand on the reporter’s shoulder and led him to the door. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. Any second now, I’d lose it.
“That went well,” Rochelle sarcastically said.
“Yep.”
She sat down on the couch across from me and rested her hands on her knees. “It was a fairly innocent question. Unless you read into it.”
I threw my hands into the air. “What can I say? I loathe stupidity.”
A few seconds ticked by before Rochelle asked, “Who is she?”
I stiffened. “What?”
“Why would I repeat myself?”
I sighed. “Her name is Riley.”
Saying the name out loud brought me unexpected relief. Rochelle’s mouth twitched like she was trying to stop herself from smiling. “I asked you about a woman a while ago, remember? And you shut me down. What’s changed?”
I licked my dry lips. I was so used to dodging questions about my personal life. It was just a habit for me. I did it without thinking about exactly why. But not today. I was tired of keeping everything to myself. If there was one person I could trust with both my life and my secrets, it was Rochelle.
“A lot has changed. A lot has happened.”
“Okay. Well, I can already bet you’re not going to fill me in on everything. And that’s fine with me. But will you tell me where you’re at right now?”
“Why are you concerned?”
“I worry about you, Xavier,” she said gently. “If I don’t, who’s going to?”
“Good point.”
“Come on, now. Answer my question.”
“We’re nowhere. She doesn’t want to see me anymore. But it’s fine. It’s for the best. I’m no good for her.”
“I can understand that.”
I ruefully laughed. “Aren’t you supposed to tell me I’m wrong?”
“I don’t lie to you, Xavier. You’re not wrong. You go through women like you do hand towels.”
“An interesting analogy,” I murmured.
She didn’t crack a smile. “Some people might think it’s insane to believe Xavier Fields would ever settle down with a woman. And that, too, is understandable. With your track record and your past...”
She studied me, probably uncertain if she should go on. Rochelle knew more about my family than most people. She knew about the abuse and about my regular attempts to persuade my mother to leave my father.
“You’re not them,” she said.
I stared at her. “I never said I was.”
“Aren’t you afraid of turning into them? Of falling for a girl who is like your mother? Of turning into a man who is like your father?”
My chest burned. I could no longer look at Rochelle. Instead, I dropped my eyes to my lap. The answer was such a simple one. Yes. But I couldn’t say it.
“You’re not alone. A lot of people live in fear of becoming their parents, but just because your mother and father lead their lives one way doesn’t mean you’re destined to do the same. Look around yourself, Xavier. Look at what you’ve done, the life you’ve created for yourself. You can do anything you want and be anything you want.”
Her words were so powerful I could no longer stare at my lap. I turned my face upwards and gazed into her eyes. “That’s the kind of thing you hear on a Ted talk.”
“Yeah, and I bet no one’s ever directly said it to you,” she responded seriously. “But you need to hear it. You are your own man, Xavier. You’re self-made. Don’t be afraid to act like it.”
CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
Riley
I slowly made my way along the West Side walkway, scanning for Seth. It had taken me forever to get over here from Brooklyn, and I’d ended up being fifteen minutes late. I stopped at the rope sequestering the pier off from the walkway and squinted my eyes against the light. A figure waved its arm at me.
Stepping over the rope, I climbed onto the pier and walked toward Seth. “Sorry I’m late,” I apologized. “It took longer than I thought it would.”
“I was just finishing up here. Want to climb on board?” He offered his hand. I looked past him, at the yacht tethered to the dock. I didn’t know anything about boats, but I did know this one was bigger than I thought it would be.
“You sail this all by yourself?”
“It’s not that hard. Come on.”
I took his offered hand and let him help me on deck. We were at the front of the yacht, where long benches were decorated with cushions. “This is really nice. Thanks for inviting me.”
“Get comfy. Grab a drink.” He nodded at the cooler near my feet. “I need to get us out of here, but I’ll be back soon.”
I relaxed against the cushions as Seth guided the yacht away from the shore. We went south, moving at a languid pace. We were right between Manhattan and New Jersey, tall buildings reaching up toward the sky on either side. I opened the cooler at my feet and dug through the ice. There were cans of beer, iced tea, and water. Since it was still morning, I opted for the tea.
The boat stopped moving, and Seth appeared. He dropped down next to me and rested his arms on the back of the bench.
“It’s nice out here,” I commented.
“Yeah.” He turned to look at me, though he had to squint some because of the light. I shielded my own face, regretting forgetting to bring sunglasses.
I cleared my throat. There was no easy way to begin this whole thing. If I was hoping to get some more dirt out of Seth, though, I would have to win him over. “I’m sorry about the other night. I was too harsh.”
He shrugged. “It happens. Everyone goes through days.”
“Yeah, I was definitely having one of those.”
“PMS is a bitch.” He reached in front of me and snagged a bottle of water from the cooler. “Or so I’ve heard.”
I bristled but stayed calm. “Yeah.” I drew out the word, not sure what else to add. Pointing out that I wasn’t PMSing didn’t seem productive. It could lead to us butting heads. No matte
r what happened, I needed to remember the importance of keeping Seth on my side.
“I still need to show you my place.” He unscrewed the cap on his water and took a swig.
“That would be nice.” I trailed my finger through the sweat on my bottle. “Anyway, I wanted to talk more about that list you mentioned.”
Seth scratched his head. “I don’t really know much about it.”
“Really? I thought you had access to it. Isn’t that what you said?”
“Did I?” He thought about it. “I haven’t been on it in a while. That’s why—”
“Then how did you find me?”
“Huh?”
“How did you know where I work?”
That made him pause again. He leaned back in his chair with a sigh. “Look, I saw you and Xavier together, and I thought you were hot, so I went and looked you up. I don’t use that list all the time. I’m not pathetic, unlike some people.”
He didn’t have to use a name for me to know who “some people” might be.
“Okay,” I answered, trying to decide on my next move. “So, you’re not really that into the list?”
“Hell no. I can manage my own social life.”
I turned to face him. “How many people use it?”
I was doing my best to make it sound like I was asking questions out of pure, innocent curiosity, but Seth didn’t like something. He shook his head in disgust and put his water bottle down. “Are we going to talk about this all morning or are we going to have fun?”
“I want to have fun,” I quickly said. “I was just asking because this whole thing sounds so interesting.”
He let out a little half laugh. He didn’t believe me. God, I was so bad at this. Maybe I should have brought Ann-Marie with me after all.
“I’m putting on some music,” Seth announced, standing up. He went into the cabin area, and a minute later dance music filled the air. He came back with a joint between his fingers. Sitting back down next to me, he lit it, inhaled, and then offered it to me.
“No thanks.”
“You don’t smoke?”
“It’s just, uh, kind of early for me.” Out of lack of anything else to do, I took a hearty drink of my iced tea.
Seth took another hit and kicked his legs out in front of him. “It is funny about Xavier though.”
My ears perked up like a hunting dog’s. “What is?”
“He got so worked up over you.” Seth chuckled. “It’s like you were too much for him to handle.” His eyes slunk over toward me. “I can see that. You’re feisty.”
The gleam in his irises made me want to squirm. I held myself still, though, and forced out a laugh. Friends, I reminded myself. We’re supposed to be friends here.
Seth kept looking at me, a weird side-smile on his face. I gulped and quickly turned away. There were more boats out on the water, but they were all so far away. It felt like Seth and I were in a world all by ourselves.
“Is there a bathroom here?” I asked.
Seth nodded downwards. “It’s below deck. Right next to the bedroom.”
I wished I hadn’t seen the look in his eyes when he said that last part. Setting my drink down on the deck, I swerved around Seth and headed for the cabin. I felt his eyes burning into my back the whole way.
I went into the above area, where the helm was. It was a small section, with a closing door to the outside and a second door that led below. I had to duck down a little bit to get under the deck. There, I found myself in a cabin featuring a double bed. Crossing the room, I shut myself into the bathroom.
I took my time washing my hands and splashing water on my face. There was too much nervous energy pulsing through me. It wasn’t right.
Because being here isn’t right.
I started to search for an excuse I could make for needing Seth to take me back to land but stopped myself. No. I wasn’t calling it quits. This was the only chance I’d ever get to find out more about this list. I’d already decided this was important. I wasn’t about to turn back. Not until that list was in was my hands. Not until I called every single woman on it.
I would go back out there and I would play nice with Seth. There were some boundaries I wouldn’t cross, of course. If he tried to make a move, I’d just turn him down. I’d tell him it was still too soon for me.
With that decided, I went back through the cabin and onto the deck. The sun seemed to have gotten brighter, but the wind had also picked up. It swept across the water and cooled my cheeks. I got back to the front of the yacht and took a seat, this time being careful to put a good deal of room between me and Seth.
“Did you like the cabin?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I adjusted the skirt of my sundress and didn’t look at him. “It was nice.”
“How long do you have today?”
I bit the inside of my cheek and thought about it. Being out here with Seth was proving to be more and more uncomfortable as time went by. But each minute spent out here also brought me closer to what I wanted.
I smiled at him. “I have all day.”
CHAPTER THIRTY
Xavier
“Drop me off here,” I told my driver. “Just stay in the neighborhood, and I’ll call you when I need you.”
He nodded in acknowledgment. “Yes, sir.”
I hopped out of the car, which was stuck in traffic with the rest of the block. Stepping onto the sidewalk, I jogged past the construction and around the corner. The day was bright but mild for summer. It almost felt like spring.
As I got closer to Riley’s apartment, I slowed my pace. By the time I reached her stoop, I was shuffling along like an old man. I had been excited to get over to Brooklyn to see her, but now that I’d arrived I was questioning myself. Shit, I didn’t even have a plan. I had no clue what I was going to say to Riley other than hello.
And that was assuming she was home. Since I didn’t call ahead, I took a chance by just showing up. But calling seemed like a bad idea. If I were to call, she would know I wanted to see her. And if she knew I wanted to see her, she might very well shut me out.
I placed one foot on the bottom step of her building and gazed up at the windows in front of me. One of them was Riley’s bedroom window, but I couldn’t pick it out from the sidewalk.
After Rochelle left my office, I couldn’t go on with the rest of my day like normal. Her words, some of the bluntest ones she’d ever shot at me, had struck a chord. She was right. All my life I’d been afraid of mimicking my parents. I’d not only been terrified of becoming a man like my father, I’d been terrified of creating a relationship like the toxic one I’d grown up in.
Instead, I’d ended up designing my own personal hellish matrix.
I didn’t know all the steps I needed to take to make things right. I hoped they’d appear one by one. Right now, all I knew was that I wanted Riley in my life. There was nothing in the world that she was worth losing over.
The thought of saying all of this to her was fucking terrifying. But I had to do it. At this point, a simple I’m sorry, please take me back wouldn’t suffice. Riley hated my guts. Only some real work on my behalf would change that.
I kept staring at the building, debating what to do. I had two options — call or buzz. Either way, once I announced myself, Riley might not let me in.
What if I pretended to be delivering a package?
There was a noise in the front hallway, and the door opened. Ann-Marie emerged, earphones in and her face down. I stayed in place, waiting for her to see me. She took a few steps out the door, looked up, and stopped. For a few seconds, we just watched each other.
“Hi.” I lifted my hand in a friendly gesture.
“Hello,” she answered, taking her ear buds out. “What are you—?”
I spoke fast, lest Ann-Marie decide I wasn’t worth her time and stalked off. “I know she probably doesn’t want to see me right now, but I need to talk to her. It’s important.”
Her eyes narrowed. “It’s not right now that
she doesn’t want to see you. It’s ever again.”
“Duly noted.”
She shook her head. “So why are you here?”
“Because I...” I hesitated. Ann-Marie dramatically raised her eyebrows, waiting for me to go on. Realizing that talking to Ann-Marie might be good practice for when I got to see Riley, I licked my lips and kept going. “Because I’ve been a real dumbass.”
She laughed. “I’m liking this. Okay, go on.”
“I’ve done things I shouldn’t have done. Things I’m not proud of.”
“Like used women as playthings?”
“That’s a bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think? I respect the women I’ve been with.”
Ann-Marie snorted. “Anyone who has to say that out loud doesn’t actually respect people. If you did care about women, it would be obvious. You wouldn’t have to defend yourself at all.”
She had me there. Sighing, I ran my hand over my face. “You’re right. Look, can I just talk to Riley?”
“No.”
Anger surged through me. “She’s up there right now, isn’t she? You don’t have a right to keep me from her.”
Ann-Marie smiled like this whole thing was funny. “You can’t talk to her right now because she’s not home.”
“Where is she? At work?”
“At a bar in the morning? Not likely.” She stared me down, looking monolithic and immovable on the stoop above me. She was waiting for me to make the next move. She also knew that she had me by the balls. What’s more, she was probably loving every second of her power trip.
“I love her.”
Ann-Marie’s eyes went as wide as saucers. Mine probably did too. I touched my lips, still uncertain that the statement came from my own mouth. It was something I’d never said before. I wasn’t even sure if I’d ever said it to my mother.
“That better not be a joke.”
I swallowed hard. My heart beat so loudly I could hear it. “It’s not. I mean it.”
“Christ,” she whispered. She took the few steps down and came to my level. “Well, saying it is one thing, but proving it is another.”
