Jessica's Wish

by Marci Bolden

  “Officially permanent.”

  “I know what adoption means, Phil. Listen, this isn’t just about what we can do for her. We need her, too. Harry wasn’t there for you growing up. You have no idea how much guilt he still carries around. He hates the idea of letting Mira be raised by strangers. She’s a part of this family now.”

  “Two things about that. First, it wasn’t Dad’s fault he wasn’t there for me. Grandma Elaine never told him about me. Second thing? Adopting a baby won’t change the past, but it will definitely change your future.”

  “Having Mira will give him back something that he lost.”

  “You’re going to commit to a lifetime decision because Dad’s parents were manipulative jerks thirty years ago?”

  She resumed patting Mira’s back when the baby squirmed. “We’re going to commit to this child who has been in our home and our lives for months because she needs someone to love and protect her. Part of our decision was based on the fact that Harry missed out on something spectacular, and he knows that. Raising Mira won’t be the same as raising you, but it will help us all in ways that we probably didn’t even realize we needed. Harry isn’t the only one who missed out, Phil. I never had an opportunity to grow as a parent with him. You never had an opportunity to be a big brother.”

  He raised his brows at her. Was she really going to try to make this about him? “The urge to torment a younger sibling has passed.”

  “Do you think Mira’s urge to have an older brother protect her has passed?”

  “I have a hard time thinking that she’d see me as an older brother when I could be her father. And seeing you as parents when you’re…”

  She raised her brows in warning. “If you call me old, I’ll ground you.”

  He chuckled, having no doubt that she’d likely try. Harry would probably back her up, too. They really had become a team, a solid parental unit, even if it was three decades later than it should have been. He softened his smile. “I wasn’t going to call you old, but I can’t help but point out that you’ll probably be the most mature parents at her high school graduation.”

  Kara laughed. “I think that’s the first time you’ve ever referred to me as mature.”

  “Probably the last,” he deadpanned.

  “Just so you know, I’m not completely over the hill. My factory is still working. One mishap like the one your father and I had in high school, and you would be a biological big brother.”

  He cringed. “Mom. How many times do I have to tell you it is not okay to talk to me about your sex life?”

  “She will know we aren’t her birth parents,” Kara continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “I know this is all a bit unconventional, but when has this family followed the norm?”

  Never. They’d never followed the norm. “Do you feel this is what is best for Mira?”

  “This is already her home, Phil. We’re already her family.”

  “What if Lynn changes her mind? What if she decides she doesn’t want to give Mira up? That will hurt you so much, Mom.”

  She didn’t deny his observation. The love she felt for that baby was so deep, it shined in her eyes whenever she looked at her. This was more than the care she’d taken with the other babies who had passed through her arms. Her connection to Mira ran all the way to her soul, and Phil was terrified how much it would break her if she were to lose this child.

  “We’ll cross that bridge if we get to it,” Kara said, dismissing his worry. “I can’t let her turn this baby over to strangers. Mira needs to have a well-rounded support system growing up. We can give her that. Even if we are old.”

  Phil hated the burden his parents were taking on, but he wasn’t surprised that they were willing to step up like this. He guessed the reason she felt so close to Mira was because the situation hit a bit too close to home. Her parents had turned her out, too. She always had a weakness for people who had been turned out.

  “She’s a lucky kid to have you guys raise her. She’ll have an interesting life.”

  Kara put her hand to his face as she smiled. “Yes, she will. Now. About you and Mallory.”

  “For God’s sake, Mother.”

  “Only halfway,” Annie said as Mallory filled her coffee mug. “I’m sore from physical therapy. I’m having a hard time holding on to things. If I spill, I’d like to keep it minimal.”

  Mallory stopped pouring the hot brew and frowned at the reminder that something as simple as sipping coffee could still present a challenge for her mother. She’d jumped right in to help Marcus drive Annie to and from her appointments, but watching her mom struggle through the exercises hadn’t been easy. Mallory had to fight the urge to do everything for her. Here, Mom, let me lift that five-pound weight. Hey, I can help you fasten that button. You just sit back and relax and let me do everything.

  Annie would have killed her.

  Once, right after Annie came home from the hospital, she was having a hard time using her fork at a family dinner. Mallory offered to feed her. Annie just about came unglued. Marcus sat Mallory down and reminded her they had to let Annie fight her way back on her own. Even so, Mallory wanted to make everything right for Annie. Maybe that was why Annie was so concerned about why she’d moved back home. One more person trying to coddle her.

  Phil’s advice had been wise, and Mallory was doing her best to heed it. She had to let Annie take care of herself. She’d ask if she needed help.

  But that was so much easier said than done. She’d probably have to ask him to remind her of that every day until she finally got over the deep-seated need to rescue her mom.

  Annie picked up the conversation where she’d left off as Mallory filled her own mug to near overflowing. “I’m not saying you should marry Phil.”

  Mallory nearly laughed but managed to keep her amusement to a sarcastic grin. “Well, that’s good, because I’ve been back in town for like a month, and I’m not even dating anyone—including Phil—so I’m fairly certain a marriage proposal isn’t on his to-do list.”

  Annie ignored her as she focused on gripping the sugar scoop. “I’m just saying he is a great guy. Jessica is the sweetest little girl in the world.”

  “I know, Mom.”

  “I adore them both.”

  Mallory nodded, watching little white crystals fall off the scoop as Annie lifted it to her cup. “I can tell.”

  “You’d make a great family.”

  Jerking her focus from the spilled sugar, Mallory widened her eyes at her mother. “What? Where the hell is this coming from?”

  Annie smiled widely. She even chuckled a little. “Annoying, isn’t it?”

  Grabbing a napkin, skipping over the Mom-can-do-that-herself step, Mallory cleaned up the mess. “You butting in on my nonexistent love life? A little bit, yeah.”

  Annie patted her hand. “Oh, honey, remember when I wasn’t ready to date Marcus, but you just kept shoving how great he was down my throat? ‘Mom, he’s so sweet. Mom, he’s so handsome. Mom, he’s so in love with you. I never had a dad.’ You actually said that. Remember?”

  Mallory playfully glared at her. “Payback. Is that what this is?”

  Instead of answering, Annie lifted her mug and blew on her coffee.

  “The difference is Marcus was in love with you. Phil is just a friend.” For some odd reason, saying that aloud made Mallory feel a little bit like someone had taken an ice pick to her heart. She didn’t like the sound of that one bit, but it was the truth. “He’s just a buddy. A pal,” she said, more for her benefit than her mother’s.

  Annie eased her cup down and sat back. “Well, that’s a shame. Your buddy, your pal, is one handsome little devil. He’s smart and successful and a wonderful father. Somebody is going to snatch him up before you know it.”

  Mallory shook her head, probably far too vehemently. “He’s not interested in dating, either.”

  Annie looked at her daughter and tilted her head. “So you’ve talked about dating?”

  “Not each other.
Jeez, Mom. If you must know, we talked about this.” She gestured between the two of them. “You and Kara seem awfully determined to pair us up with each other or anyone else who comes along. Since when do you care if I date?”

  “I care. I’ve always cared.”

  Mallory rolled her eyes. “Your sex talk was more along the lines of a Stephen King novel. You intentionally tried to traumatize me.”

  “You lie,” Annie insisted. “I simply wanted you to know that most men are demons straight from hell.”

  “Most?”

  “Some. But that’s beside the point. Men do have their benefits. Just how good of friends are you?”

  Mallory got that same icky feeling she’d felt when she’d caught Annie and Marcus kissing on the couch. Not because the thought of Phil being more than a friend was bad—not that they were more than friends, but if they were, it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing—but since when did her mother ask questions like that? “Whoa. What?”

  Annie laughed. “I’m just asking because Kara is really worried about Jessica. She’s been making a lot of comments lately about her mother. Kara thinks she needs someone in her life, a mother figure.”

  “Isn’t finding a mother for Jessica Phil’s job?”

  “Nobody is asking you to be her mother. You’re too young for that. Being a mother sucks sometimes.”

  “Thanks. Mom.”

  “You may have blocked out your teenage years, but I remember them quite well,” Annie said.

  Mallory frowned, recalling some of her more rebellious moments—like coming home with a chunk of her head shaved. Her mother swore she could never spend the night at Cassie Richards’s house again. “I haven’t blocked out anything. You were just…mean.”

  Annie smiled but didn’t counter her assessment. “Kara wants a support system for Jessica as she grows up.”

  “Again, isn’t this Phil’s job?”

  “I’m worried for her, too. She’s talked to me more than once about not having a mom. It bothers her. I’d like to see her have someone she can connect with. I saw the pictures of you guys yesterday, Mal. She was looking at you with pure adoration.”

  Mallory’s heart swelled at her mother’s observation. She’d been looking at Jess with pure adoration as well. She’d never connected with a kid on that level before, but she thought it was probably the most magical friendship she’d ever had. Jessica was so real, and honest, and full of love. She simply radiated that, and Mallory soaked it up.

  Even so, this role her mother was creating wasn’t Mallory’s to fill. “I was dressed like a comic book character. A lot of kids looked at me like I was awesome.”

  “Mally,” Annie said gently, using a nickname she saved for the most serious of conversations, “this was different, and you know it. She likes you. Really likes you. And you really like her. I can tell by the way you talk about her.”

  “I’m not denying that, Mom. I think she is a great little person, but I’m not exactly mom material. I’m just starting to figure out this adulthood thing. I have no business advising some mini-Phil on how to get through life. I like hanging out with her. I like hanging out with Phil. But if she needs a mom, her father needs to find someone who can do that for her. It’s not me.”

  Annie sighed. “Okay.”

  Okay? Like that was ever the answer with her mother. “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Oh, please, Mom. You had that whole disappointed look thing that you get.”

  “I did not.”

  Mallory tilted her head in the same way Annie did when silently pressing for the truth.

  Annie pressed her lips together, apparently debating what to say. Grabbing Mallory’s hand, she stared into her eyes. “Jessica needs someone to do things like dress her up as a pony and help her with her makeup.”

  “She’s eleven,” Mallory countered. “She doesn’t wear makeup yet.”

  “Would Phil have taken her to that convention dressed like a pink horse if you hadn’t invited them?”

  Mallory laughed. “God, no.”

  “Neither would Kara or Harry. But she loved it, didn’t she?”

  Oh, maternal guilt. Mallory had actually forgotten how good Annie could be at this. “Yes. She loved every moment of it.”

  “And so did you, right?”

  “I did.”

  Annie shrugged. “So. She needs more of that in her life. She needs more of you in her life. That’s all I’m saying.”

  “No, that’s not all you’re saying. You said she needs a mother figure.”

  “Friend. She needs a friend.”

  “I don’t mind being her friend, but don’t try to force me into a role that isn’t mine to fill. Even if I wanted to be a mother to her, I can’t just decide that. She has a parent. A father. That’s his responsibility. Not yours, not mine, and not Kara’s. No matter how well-intentioned any of us might be.”

  “Phil is stubborn. He won’t see what he doesn’t want to see.”

  Mallory frowned. As if her mother had any room to talk about someone being stubborn.

  Annie lifted her hands. “Okay. Just consider one other thing and I’ll let it go.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  Annie lowered her voice in the way she did to make certain Mallory listened. “She needs someone like you needed Marcus. I couldn’t see it because I chose not to. I chose to believe what I gave you was enough because it was all I had to give. When I got hurt, even though you were an adult and you had uncles and friends who loved you, you needed someone to fill that role that was missing your entire life. You needed someone to be a father to you. Thankfully you had Marcus. He was right there, giving you that paternal love that you’d never had. Supporting you like a father would do. He’s done that for you.”

  Mallory swallowed hard, remembering how many nights she’d counted on Marcus to get her through when Annie was in a coma and recovering from her injury. Even now she needed that man to make her believe things were going to be okay. “Yes, he has. He has been an amazing surrogate father to me.”

  “So who’s going to do that for Jessica? If Phil isn’t interested in dating, the chances of him finding someone who will accept and help Jess grow up are slim to none, wouldn’t you say? She’s getting older, and at some point, she’s going to have questions and problems and issues that he can’t help her with. Who is going to help her, Mallory?”

  Sitting back, Mallory frowned. “When the hell did you become so emotionally manipulative?”

  Annie smiled as she tapped her forehead. “I have brain damage now. I can’t always control myself.”

  The self-satisfied smile on her lips told Mallory she knew exactly what she was doing.

  Chapter Seven

  Mallory watched Jessica run along the lake’s shoreline before focusing on the way-too-quiet man walking next to her. After a spontaneous lunch of sandwiches at a local sub shop, they’d decided the day was too nice to let pass by. Actually, she and Jessica had decided that. Phil had seemed distracted ever since she arrived at his house. They were supposed to start binge-watching Doctor Who, but Jessica insisted she was starving, and Phil said they hadn’t gone to the grocery store yet.

  That didn’t seem to bother Jessica much at all. She was pretty eager to get out and have lunch at a restaurant. She seemed to enjoy the culinary arts…or at least the eating part…as much as Mal did. They’d made a pact to get two different sandwiches and split them. As they’d had a serious debate over their options, Phil seemed like he couldn’t care less.

  As they ate, critiquing their selections like a Food Network star might, Phil had sat quietly. He was definitely rolling something around in his mind.

  When Jessica was far enough ahead on the beach, Mallory gently bumped into him. “Spit it out. What’s bothering you?”

  Phil shoved his hands in his pants pockets and hesitated before answering, as if considering what to say. “I stopped by to see my parents this morning. They’re going to try to adopt Mira. Her mom has
realized dropping by to check in on occasion isn’t exactly being a good mother. Apparently walking away from her daughter is a better option.”

  Mallory exhaled slowly. “Wow. I’ll never get these parents who just ditch their kids.”

  “Yeah.” He frowned. “Me either.”

  She hesitated. “I’m sorry. I know Jessica’s mom bailed, so this probably stings you a bit more than most.”

  “Katrina wasn’t any more maternal than Mira’s mom. Some women simply aren’t meant to be mothers.”

  Mallory looked out at the sun reflecting off the calm surface of the lake. “Then we have men like my biological father. Whoever and wherever he is. There’s a whole lot of parental dysfunction around here.” She glanced at him when he didn’t respond. She hoped she hadn’t offended him. Harry hadn’t been around for Phil, either, but that wasn’t by choice. That was because of an entirely different set of circumstances. “How do you feel about your parents adopting?” she asked, hoping to move the topic to something less personally painful for both of them.

  He lifted his shoulders and let them fall casually. “It’s their choice.”

  “Come on. Don’t give me that passive bullshit. You don’t look happy.”

  Phil looked out over the lake. The water was flat, despite Jessica tossing rock after rock into it. She was supposed to be collecting them for a class project, but she was obviously far more interested in seeing how far she could send them.

  “I’m worried that they’re taking on more than they can handle,” Phil said. “They’ve just gotten settled into a life together. Their marriage is going to be completely disrupted.”

  She bit her lip for a moment, carefully considering his words. “Are your parents having problems?”

  “Hmm?” He creased his brow at her, but then he must have realized how his concern had come across. “Oh, no. Nothing like that. They’re very happy from what I can tell.”