by Ash Harlow
She tried to summon a whole load of mental telepathy and make Mike move the guys away from her group, around the perimeter of the park, but that wasn’t working. Although their pace slowed, they continued their advance and it wouldn’t be long before they’d be alongside her.
She watched them, frozen in place as she searched their faces; Dave and Cody, normal, enjoying the spectacle. Mike, bemused by the gangly, bumptious dog. And Vince, lagging behind, flat and emotionless.
In the distance, she could see that Taryn had caught Buster and rejoined the group.
“That’s some whistle you have there.”
Although Mike moved alongside her, she kept her focus on the group because she had some explaining to do. The other three stopped a few feet away, with Vince still hanging at the back.
“Really sorry about that little disturbance—new dog, novice owner. You know how it is.” She addressed Mike but stole a glance towards Vince and could see him scanning the training group, the playground, the cars on the street. He was looking for Gable.
Lulah stepped past Mike towards him. “Vince,” she said gently, but he kept up his scanning. “Vince, she’s not here.”
Now he fixed his gaze beyond her, settling on Taryn who had joined the group, watching back. “How long...?”
“Taryn started today, I was going to tell you.”
He pinned her with a look she’d never seen before, his mouth a hard, thin line. “Any more surprises for me? Any other bits of my life you’ve got your hands on behind my back?”
“Fair enough, you’re angry, but can we take this up later?”
“Angry? Betrayed, that’s what I’m feeling, and no, there’s nothing I want to talk about.”
High-pitched excited barking from Buster warned her she needed to return to the class before more chaos ensued. “I have to go. The class is nearly finished, Vince. If you guys are about done, too, why don’t you hang around and we can grab a takeout or something, go and sit down by the wharf.”
“It’ll be dark soon.”
“I don’t mind. Vince, come on, give me a chance to explain.”
He appeared skeptical. “I’ll talk to Mike, and wait back over there.” He indicated to an area by the gardens, far away from where Lulah’s group was training.
“Thanks, I appreciate it. And, Vince, there’s nothing sinister going on.” As he walked off Calliope lingered slightly behind, head lowered, looking at her as if she understood. Dislodging her anthropomorphic thoughts, Lulah made her way back to the group.
Taryn was livid. “You know who that is, don’t you? My ex. Was that a setup?”
“No, Taryn, I believe it all began when Buster escaped. I’m good with the dogs, but not even I can orchestrate that sort of event.” Good grief, Taryn and Vince must have been toxic together. “I’m sorry, that sounded rude.”
“I understand. He brings out the worst in everyone.”
Lulah let it go. She called in the class. “Time’s nearly up, so let’s finish with some homework you can work on over the next week.”
She saw the last of them off before she released Joker from the car. He needed a run, and the trip across the park to meet Vince would do him for now. At her approach, Vince kept his focus on Calliope’s leash which he rolled into a neat coil, then released so that it unfurled in his lap as a perfect display of tension and relief.
“Mind if I sit?”
He shuffled along a bit, making space for her.
“Why don’t you set Calliope loose for a play with Joker?”
He responded by releasing the clip on the dog’s collar, telling her to go play, before he leaned back again, hands clasped at the back of his head, fingers laced.
“Would you prefer to talk here before we pick up some dinner? I don’t want you suffering indigestion.”
“If that was intended to lighten the mood, it failed.”
O-freakin-kay. “What happened tonight was fate, a coincidence, whatever you like to call it, but it wasn’t a setup. Understand that.” She waited, watching him shake his head as if trying to deflect her words.
“Christ, seeing you with Taryn, I was nearly sick. We were coming over to work with you guys at the end of your lesson, to get some practice around unfamiliar dogs. Hadn’t Mike arranged that with you?”
“He’d mentioned it, but nothing was set in stone and—” Vince wasn’t listening because all his pent-up fury cascaded over whatever she tried to tell him.
“…and suddenly Taryn was there and that meant I couldn’t be. Hell, you’ve given her access to you. She has access to so much in my life that’s precious to me, and now she’s got you, too, and because she’s there, I can’t be. I’m so damned angry. You and I…I don’t know what we are, but at the base of it, I thought we were friends. I can’t handle her right now, so if you have to fix her, or fix the dog for them, go for it, but don’t expect me to pat you on the back and tell you how great you are.”
His breath was ragged, his chest heaving beside her. “Why was she there? Why was she there?” His voice dropped as he repeated the question, and he turned to her, filled with emotion. “What the fuck, Lulah? Why is my ex-wife in your dog training class? What kind of game is this?”
“It’s not a game. Vince, settle please, listen to me.”
He stared at her as if she’d asked him to sacrifice his firstborn.
“Can you hear me?” she asked gently.
Finally his shoulders dropped a little, along with his hands and he went back to fiddling with Calliope’s leash. “I’m listening.”
“Somebody gave Taryn the dog. The cute puppy that she didn’t want in the first place grew and became more unruly, so she decided to rehome him. She phoned the Sanctuary. I don’t know why she chose us. Anyway, whoever took the call at the Sanctuary talked things through with her, encouraged her to try the free dog training program we run, and see if she could make it work with the dog. I only found out tonight when I received a note that another person was joining the class.”
“I’m sure she knows I volunteer at the Sanctuary. Why can’t she leave me in peace?”
“It’s probably the only place she knew to contact for help with the dog. If I had taken her call and realized who she was, I’d have talked to you. I’d never have let you walk into this situation the way it happened tonight.”
“No, that’s right, you’d have managed it, wouldn’t you, because you keep the lives of everyone around you neat and tidy. That way nothing unpredictable happens. No person there to build you up because you already believe that once something is built, the natural progression is for it to be torn down. Nothing encroaches on you because you’ve managed everything, to keep it an inch outside your sphere. Except me, Lulah. I can’t be contained and I’m the most unstable fucking might-go-off-any-time incendiary device you’ll ever meet.”
“I don’t think might is the right choice of word there. Could be that fire’s already lit.”
Vince stood. “I’m sorry, I hope you’re not burned.” He called for Calliope.
“Do you want to go?”
He cast her a look. “I’m being an ass, I know, but I’m right off balance here.”
“We’re both off balance. Let’s go and find some food, walk along the harbor entrance, eat, start this whole conversation again.”
“Start this day again, that’s what I’d like.”
They picked up burgers in town and made their way along the path that edged the inner waterway until they reached the harbor entrance. They walked out onto a small jetty and sat, dangling their legs over the side. Calliope stood guard over them while Joker messed about in some long grass on the shoreline. “He’s after scraps,” Lulah noted.
“Me too.”
“Just scraps?”
“Scraps, crumbs, I’ll take anything.”
“When it comes to Gable, yes, I believe that’s true. But not the rest of your life. You proved that tonight when you discovered you didn’t want Taryn around me.”
; “I don’t want Taryn around anybody I know, except my daughter. She might wind me up, but I can’t deny that she’s a good mother.”
“You see? That’s what’s amazing about you, and I wish you could find that in yourself—”
“Stop.” He pushed himself to his feet and walked the few yards to the end of the jetty.
The evening had grown to full darkness. A couple of late-home seabirds called, but apart from that, only the vibration of Vince’s firm footfall on the jetty boards, and the click of Calliope’s nails as she followed him disturbed the tranquility.
That he was still so stressed completely unsettled her. At some point, when she wasn’t paying attention, this need to make things better for Vince kicked in. Now the dark silhouette of his back illustrated his emotional retreat.
The lights of town glittered beyond him, but if there was much of a moon, it was hidden by the same cloud that veiled the town’s attempt to reflect itself on the sea.
The light breeze stiffened and she watched Joker on the shore raise his head, sifting through the scents only an animal could read, before he made his decision to trot down the jetty to join her. He rested up against her back, sharing warmth and quiet with his undemanding presence.
Vince remained a captive of the thoughts that bothered him, and more than anything she wanted to go to him, comfort him, to interfere. A moment later she noticed Calliope shift in against Vince’s legs, placing one paw on the top of his foot, her head stretched up so that her chin rested against his knee, telling him she was close. Telling him that when it became unbearable she was ready for his touch, ready to absorb his pain, because to soak it up and help him heal, without his pain causing her any damage, was her special gift. And she would swap his pain for some of her peace.
Yet something about the way he stood was all wrong, and Lulah pushed to her feet, hurrying to join him at the end of the jetty.
She reached out, touched his arm to let him know she was there and he didn’t flinch or startle beneath her greeting. Below them the rising tide licked around the poles of the jetty, and looking into the black water, Lulah’s balance altered so that she took a step back.
“That tide’s running fast, especially with the wind behind it. You’d need a strong swimming stroke and a lot of luck to survive a fall in there tonight.”
“Vince—”
“Do you know how easy it would be for me to jump?”
Chapter Twenty-One
Jesus, yes, but no. “I do, and I give thanks for your inner strength and the love for your daughter that stops you from doing that.”
“A veteran takes his life almost hourly. Twenty-two each day. They tell us that, as if the knowledge will prevent us from choosing the same path.” From a distance they heard the town clock claim the hour and Vince tensed. “I hate that sound. It’s like a death knell, the way it marks the hour, signaling the departure of another soul who couldn’t stand it anymore.”
“It’s the passage of time, Vince. It’s a cliché but time heals, too. Look at it as a marker of your improvement because you’re still here, and even if you can’t find it at this moment, you know how much better your life has become in this past year.”
“Most times inside me, it is so dark yet I’m shown these glimpses of light. Gable is like a storm—the flash and beauty of lightning followed by a violent clap of thunder. You see it, you wonder at its brilliance, but you don’t get to hold onto it. And you, Lulah, you also bring flashes of light to me. Can you understand now, how the little thing that keeps me going was snuffed when I saw Taryn with you?”
“Yes, I do.” She stayed behind him, one hand gripping a fistful of his sweater as a physical plea to make him hold on. “I know now that it appeared disloyal. But I’m not going to turn her away from class, because she and the dog need help. He’s a lovely dog, Vince, and a good dog can be such a friend to a kid growing up. We’ll make sure you aren’t around here on training nights. Marlo is taking the class next week because we alternate.”
She felt his slow, calculated breath in the rise of his shoulders that strained the knot of his sweater within her grasp.
“Can you see what this does to me, why I’m so wrong for all of this…for you?”
“I can see that you’re dealing with something right now that’s thrown you. Tomorrow you may see it differently, or you may be able to deal with it and put it away. What happened tonight doesn’t change us. Taryn will bring Buster along for a few lessons. The bulk of which will be taught by Marlo, because I go east to do my lab work right after the auction, so that’s me away for three weeks. And once the lessons are over, that’s it. I won’t be dealing with Taryn any longer, so you can relax. But I can’t help feeling that Taryn really isn’t the issue here.”
He reached behind him and clasped the hand that held his sweater. “Let go, babe.”
As she did, he turned, still holding her hand. “You’re right, there are a lot of issues at play here. The worst being that we can’t be together. You said it yourself; I’m too unreliable. And I’m so freakin’ frightened of myself because I don’t want to push you so that we end up like me and Taryn. But I look at you, Lulah, and I feel this fucking great ache here.” He’d pulled her hand up to his chest, opening her fingers and pressing them against his heart.
The sensitivity and hurt that poured off this big, tough, tattooed guy nearly did her in, but she had to make him understand.
“My childhood was filled with broken promises and lies, but as an adult, I have control over my life; I need to know that the person I’m sharing it with is going to be there, not blow a fuse when it all becomes too hard, or they don’t have the strength to rein themselves in. I’m sorry, Vince, this isn’t an attack on you, and it’s not a reflection of what I think you are, or how you’ve behaved towards me, but as we’ve discussed, as you’re so quick to tell me, you’re not ready for a relationship. Quite honestly, a lot of the time I seriously struggle to keep things platonic.”
If Vince had caused her pain it would be tolerable. But the thing was, Vince had never broken a promise to her, never lied.
“I can’t help it if I’m hot.”
Lulah nearly choked on her laugh.
He dropped her hand and took hold of both sides of her face, smiling. “Right there, that spontaneity of yours, that honesty in the way you’re so open. I’m sorry I doubted that, Lulah. I’m sorry I thought you were messing with me, playing some sort of game. I had no right to think that about you when you’ve never given me any reason to doubt your motives. But that’s what I am right now. This thing inside me makes me so reactive. I can’t ask you to stick around in the hope that maybe one day I can drive it away. If I ask you to do that, and the darkness engulfs me instead of vanishing, I’ll destroy everything in you that is good.”
He held her face so tight her jaw ached. She reached around him so that she didn’t have to make fists of her hands. “You’re getting better. Keep working with Doc, Vince. Together you two are doing so well.”
He looked at her with that gaze she came to know so well. “You’re so beautiful.”
He was beautiful himself, though he wouldn’t believe her if she mentioned that right now, so she returned his compliment with a smile she hoped would keep him warm. He was hesitant as he leaned forward to kiss her, and he started shy, a simple brushing of their lips, but when she opened for him he scarcely paused before seizing the back of her head and pulling them together, sealing the connection of their mouths and letting his hunger take over.
Finally he released her, both of them breathless, his forehead resting on hers, his hand at the back of her neck. “Wow, I love doing that with you.”
“Me too. Sometimes I wonder why we put so much effort into depriving ourselves.”
He trailed his fingers down her arm until he reached her hand. His strong fingers entwined with hers and he gave a little tug. “Let’s walk.”
The dogs bounded ahead of them along the jetty waiting at the junction of the path
for a direction cue.
They walked until the rain set in making them duck around and run back to Lulah’s SUV. They arrived breathless, laughing, pants soaked from running through puddles that were invisible in the dark, hair plastered to their faces. The dogs bounced, excited by the activity, and the late evening chance of another run. Lulah fumbled for her keys and handed them over to Vince. “You drive.”
He grabbed her hand as she passed him the keys, spun her around and pressed her against the side of the vehicle. He pushed the hair back from her forehead.
“One more kiss,” he demanded as leaned into her, sheltering her from the rain. Their tongues lashed, matching the fury of the storm, and he didn’t know where he found the strength to break the kiss, to pull away and let her into the car. “My God, you’re fantastic.” He reached around her and opened her door, settling her in her seat, before getting the dogs into the back of the SUV.
Twenty minutes later they entered the cold cabin. “Quick, you light the fire while I feed the dogs,” Lulah suggested.
The wood was already set in the hearth. Vince stacked the kindling for a better draw and lit the paper. With the kindling well alight he added larger logs and remained in a crouch, waiting to add a few pine cones. In the kitchen, Lulah filled the kettle and when he looked up, she stood at the bench, staring out into the dark night.
He went to her. She’d withdrawn a little, moving quickly, fussing.
“Can I help?”
“No, I’m good. Do you want tea?”
Fuck it, why lie? “Not really.”
She offered him a little smile, reached and flicked off the kettle switch and hitched herself onto the counter top.
“You don’t either, huh?”
She shook her head.
“What’s up?”
“Oh, you know, magical moment broken and now I’m not sure if I should go after it again.”
“We’ve talked ourselves out of this so often. And I know that now is the time when one of us is supposed to be mature, and sensible, and suggest we have tea then head off to our respective beds. But you know, all this stepping forward and stepping back has to be the worst freakin’ dance move in the world. What did you say earlier? Why do we put so much effort into depriving ourselves?”
