by Lulu Pratt
Somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice screams that Joe is right. He’s less drunk than I am, and his advice is good. But he doesn’t want to know the full story, so he won’t understand. Besides, I’ve had so much to drink, everything looks hopeless. Logically, I know it’s because of the alcohol, but I chose to be this drunk, and I’m going to embrace it. This is what I wanted, after all.
“Thanks, man,” I say to Joe. “I really appreciate it.”
“You’re not going to do it, are you?”
I don’t answer Joe.
He sighs, exasperated. “Look, I know you’re drunk. I hope to God you don’t forget what I said in the morning. You need to think about this, conclude that I’m right, and do something about it. Take it from me, you don’t want to wait too long.”
I try to focus on Joe’s face and find I can’t. All his lines are blurry, but my mind is trying to put two and two together. Joe is talking from experience, but he’s never told me anything about his love life beyond the basics. Maybe there’s a reason. I wave at the bartender for another drink. The man hasn’t been keeping my glass full the way he said he would. He glances at me when I do, like he’s not sure if he should give me more. I don’t get aggressive, I don’t make a scene, I don’t do anything that lets him believe he might be right. After I give him a level stare, he brings me my glass.
“I’m gonna get going, Graham,” Joe says. “Good luck.” He claps me on the shoulder again.
“Thanks for the shots,” I say, but Joe has already left, and I don’t know how long I waited before I answered.
Right now, I’m drowning my sorrows with alcohol. I think Joe gave me good advice, but I’m too drunk to take it. I will file it away for later, though. In the meantime, I have another glass of whiskey to nurse, and seeing that the bar is open late, I have a lot of time to take care of my drink.
Chapter 39
Sarah
I take sick leave on Wednesday, which is quickly becoming my least favorite day of the week. Calling in sick when I need a personal day is probably not the best thing to do, but I need to get my stuff from the cabin, and considering that my stomach has been turning since the moment I woke up, taking a sick day is not that much of a stretch. I’m ready to finish off the business with Graham and move on. I’m ready to get all my stuff from the cabin and never go back there.
I get dressed, taking care to look on point. I brush out my hair and put on make-up. This is not for Graham, I tell myself. This is so that I can feel invincible. Nice clothes, make-up, anything that will make me feel like I look intimidating will make me act that way. And God knows, I need it.
Larry picks me up just after nine in his SUV, and we drive out to the cabin. It’s not a far drive. It won’t take very long, but today, the road feels even shorter. Yesterday, I was confident and ready to end this. This morning, I was feeling equipped to handle it. Now, I’m starting to wonder if this was a good idea. Nausea turns in my stomach, I’m that stressed. I don’t know how I’m going to react when I see him. I don’t know how I’m going to feel.
That’s the part that gets me the most. When I was angry all the time, it fueled me and got me through things. I’d left the cabin the first time because my emotions had started getting the better of me, but I should have pushed through. I see that now. At least, I’d been angry when I’d arrived. This time, it’s not the same.
This time, I’m not angry at all. I’m hurt and sad. I thought I would be okay dealing with this, but I’m scared now. I don’t know what to expect from him.
The last time, he was apologetic, frantic to get me to listen. I had the upper hand because he was desperate for a second chance, and I was too angry to give him one. I don’t know what it’s going to be like this time. I don’t know where he’s at — if he’s angry with me now, and if I’m the desperate one.
That’s ridiculous, I tell myself. Still, I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to throw up.
I glance at Larry. His eyes are glued to the road, and I’m pretty sure his mind is at work, even though he has the morning off. Larry is one of those guys who’s committed to his job. It’s why he will go so far in life. The people who are willing to put that much into their careers are the ones who end up going all the way.
Larry and I barely talk. I love him like a brother because I’ve known him for years and he makes my sister happy. He’s a good father to Lindsay, and he does everything the man of the house should do. But I can’t relate to him, and our conversations are minimal.
Today, he’s the only person I can speak to.
“I’m worried about seeing Graham,” I say.
“Why?” Larry asks.
I sigh. “Because of everything that happened. And when he came to me at the school. Did Monica tell you? I hid from him in the restroom. I feel like an idiot, and I don’t know what to expect. That makes me nervous.”
Larry nods. He’s quiet for so long, I wonder if he heard me.
“I know this guy did something wrong,” he says. “Monica was going on about it the other night, too. But the way I see it, he’s just a guy. Do you know how often we don’t know what the hell is going on?”
I blink at his confession. It’s the first time I’ve heard a man admit to this.
“So, what? I just forget it ever happened?”
Larry shakes his head. “No, he did do something wrong. But maybe give him a chance, you know? Let him say what he wants to say at least. Even if it doesn’t make the situation better, it might make you feel better.”
I frown. “You helped keep him away from me the last time we went.”
Larry nods. “Because you made it clear you didn’t want to speak to him, and your wishes should be respected. If you don’t want to talk to the man, no matter what I think about it, it’s your right.”
Larry has always been noble. It’s comforting to know that he has my back when I go in there.
“I don’t know what to do,” I say again. “I don’t know if I have what it takes to give him a chance.”
“From where I stand, there are different kinds of wrong. Some of them can be forgiven, and some can’t. It’s up to you how much you’ll tolerate, but I don’t think this guy messed up so badly that he’s rotten to the core. There might be hope for him yet.”
I look out of the window and watch the world slide by.
“I’ve never seen you this beaten up about a guy,” he says. “When that bastard in college hurt you, you were depressed and all that, but not like this. You’re broken up about this guy, and you barely know him. That’s saying something.”
“That he messed up really badly?” I ask.
Larry shakes his head. “That he means a hell of a lot more to you than you’re willing to admit.”
It’s starting to look like Monica’s whole little family is full of wisdom. It must be nice to be so emotionally well-adjusted.
“Besides, I think you made an excuse to see him again,” Larry says.
I shake my head. “That’s not true. I have to get my stuff.”
“I know. But your stuff is still there because there’s a reason, because you left it there before. You could have been rid of him the first time, but I think you’re holding on. And really, I could have come over to the cabin by myself today and got the rest of it. But here you are.”
I shake my head. “That’s not how it was. I couldn’t deal with it then.”
“And how are you dealing with it, now?”
He’s right. I can’t handle it now, either. But this isn’t a ploy to see him again. At least, I don’t think it is. It’s to get my stuff. Last time, I fled because I couldn’t handle the emotions I had to deal with.
“Do you love him?” Larry asks.
“No,” I answer
Larry glances at me like he doesn’t believe me.
“Why are you asking if you’re going to argue the answer with me?” I ask.
Larry grins. “You’re crazy about him, aren’t you?”
I sigh
and nod. I really am. No matter how badly this guy screwed me over, no matter how angry I am for what he did and for how he keeps going on, I am crazy about him. I can’t stop thinking about him, and every moment away from him is torture. This is exactly the reason I need to get away from him. I must make sure that it’s all over because he has the capacity to hurt me badly.
He’s already proven it. With Graham, I am vulnerable, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. And there is still that thing where he evicted me before Christmas, lied about it, and made me feel like he cared for me.
“I think you should give the guy a chance to talk to you,” Larry says, breaking the silence and my quiet turmoil.
I sigh. I don’t know how to do this.
Chapter 40
Graham
I’m nervous to see her. We arranged to meet at nine-thirty. I’ve been at the cabin since nine with a bit of a hangover. I have no idea what to expect from her this time. I’ve accepted that she might not what to speak to me at all, and I thought that it would make me relax a little about it — if there are no expectations, there’s nothing to mess up.
But all that calm and rational thinking has gone, and my stomach is a clenched fist of nerves.
I went to the school to talk to her. I was hoping that I would be able to corner her there, and in front of everyone, she would have to agree to speak to me, for the sake of appearance. I hoped that being around people would minimize the potential for a scene.
I’d been wrong. Sarah ran from me and hid. Apparently, she doesn’t mind what the people at work think about her. I should have known, of course. Sarah doesn’t seem to care what people think about her. She does her own thing. That’s one of the things that attracts me to her. She has a freedom — being untethered from others the way she is — that makes me envy her and want to be with her, hoping it will rub off on me.
I hear the car coming, and my stomach flips. A moment later, the SUV appears around the bend, and when I see Sarah through the window, my heart skips a beat. I will always have this reaction when I see her. She’s beautiful. Everything about her is magnificent, elegant and graceful.
When she gets out of the car, her eyes flick to mine for a moment. She looks away again immediately.
“Hi,” I say, but it’s the brother-in-law — Larry? — who greets me back, not Sarah. She storms into the cabin to collect her things. I watch her go, and my stomach sinks.
It breaks me to see her avoid me like that. It hits me every time. I know I deserve it after everything I did, but every time it happens, it hurts me all over again.
“Sorry about the other day,” I say to Larry. “For being a bit of a nuisance.”
“Don’t sweat it, man,” Larry says. “I get it. It’s a tough situation.”
And just like that, we understand each other. This guy is on my side. We stand in silence, hands in our pockets, waiting for Sarah to come out, but I don’t feel alone.
“That’s my cue,” Larry says when Sarah appears with a few things for Larry to carry. He walks to the cabin and starts to pick things up, taking them to the SUV. I follow him, but I don’t help him carry anything. Instead, I walk into the cabin, following Sarah. She’s in her bedroom, throwing the last of her things into an open box.
“Can we talk?” I ask her. I’ve asked her for this so many times.
Sarah looks up at me, and I can’t read her expression.
“No,” she says again. God, I need to speak to her. I just need another chance.
“Please,” I say. “At least, hear my side. You don’t have to say anything. You can make of it what you will, but allow me that, at least.”
She sighs and folds her arms over her chest.
“You have one minute. I’m not kidding.”
That’s better than I’ve gotten until now. Concise, that’s what I must go for.
“My sister… Britney… her husband abuses her. That night she called and interrupted us, it was because she called the cops on her husband because he was going after the children.” I watch Sarah’s face register shock as I talk. “I told you how it’s always been her and me, growing up. I had to protect her from him, and I didn’t know how to do it. He’s a monster, Sarah. A monster who hurts my sister. And after she had him arrested, I was afraid he might be so mad, he’d try to kill her or hurt the children to hurt her.”
I’m getting emotional and the words are tumbling out, and I don’t know if it’s about Sarah or Britney anymore. Maybe both. I swallow hard, choking back the tears threatening to fall. I’m not going to break in front of her now.
“I put her in your house so that she was close to me, so that if the son of a bitch tracks them down, I can protect them. I know I was wrong for what I did to you, but I was terrified for Britney’s sake, for the kids’ sake and everything else fell away.”
Sarah is silent for a while when I’m done talking. She blinks at me, and I can’t help but hope she sees the light now.
“I understand,” she finally says. “If the same happened to Monica, I can’t imagine how I would react. We do things for family we won’t do for other people.”
I sigh in relief. She sees where I’m coming from.
“But you could have told me,” she says. “You could have come to me in person and told me you’re my landlord and you needed help with your sister. I would have been willing to make a plan if you just told me the truth.”
“But you might not have considered me,” I say, and I realize the moment I say it, I sound like an idiot.
“You think I would have liked the person who tries to look out for his sister less than I like the guy who kicked me out of my house and deceived me?”
When she puts it that way, I know I acted like a fool. But I told her the truth, and no matter what comes next, I did what I had to do.
“I know I was wrong for lying to you. I felt guilty every day, and God knows there were so many times I wanted to tell you. And I know it’s no excuse, but we were having such a good time together in the cabin, I didn’t want to ruin things. I was wrong for not telling you, though, and I’m sorry. I just want to work things out, Sarah. Will you give me a chance, even though I don’t really deserve it?”
She sighs, and I can see her thinking about it. It’s not a straight no, which is all I’ve been getting lately. That’s a good sign.
“I’ll think about it,” she finally says. Again, it’s more than I’ve had before, and I’m willing to take it. I want to have the chance to talk it all out with her. I need at least one more chance to win her back before I can give up.
“I have to go,” Sarah says, and she carries the last of her stuff to the car. I help her load up, hoping that I’m not helping her walk out of my life completely.
When it’s all done, the three of us stand in an awkward silence. Larry glances at his watch, and it breaks the spell.
“Thank you for your time,” Sarah says coldly and gets into the car. Larry glances at me, and I think he’s trying to tell me to hang in there, but maybe the new friendship him and I have is just a fantasy on my part.
I watch the SUV turn around and drive away again, taking Sarah away from me.
I want her back. I want her to come back to me so that we can fix it. She said she would think about seeing me to talk, and I hope to God she does, that she decides she wants to hear me out. That’s the last bit of hope I have, and I’m going to hold onto it with both hands.
Chapter 41
Sarah
When I wake up, my back hurts and I feel cranky. I don’t sleep very well on Monica’s couch, and I’m restless most nights. I dream of Graham a lot, even though I don’t want to think about him. I guess I can’t stop my subconscious.
I get ready for work again. I must be back in the office today. I don’t feel like it at all, but I can’t ride out the excuse of being sick for more than one day, and I can’t just slack on the job. It’s the only stability I have left in my life, after all.
After I get out of the shower and get
dressed, I check my phone for messages and calls like I always do, and there’s a text from Graham. He’s stopped trying to call me because he knows I won’t answer. I don’t delete the texts without reading them first — curiosity gets to me every time.
Can we meet up to talk?
I shake my head at the message. I told him I would think about it, but I’ve barely had time to do that. I haven’t had time for anything other than trying to keep it together after seeing him yesterday. What he told me about his sister runs through my mind, and I don’t know how to feel about it.
I still need time to think.
He doesn’t reply immediately, and I put my phone down, hoping he’ll give up. For a short while, he didn’t do anything, and I started wondering if he was over it. I felt upset about that, which wasn’t something I expected — I enjoy it when he pursues me, even though I won’t admit it to anyone — but now that he’s back on track, I’m confused.
Please, meet with me tonight. I just want to talk. It won’t be anything weird. I just want more than a minute to apologize to you.
At the cabin, he did a good job of summarizing, but maybe he’s right. Maybe he deserves a chance to put it into more words, to explain himself properly. I doubt I’ll change my mind and suddenly agree that he was right in doing what he did, but I’m curious to know what happened, and I don’t know if my rage is warranted anymore, now that I know his reasoning. I’m still upset he lied, of course, but I don’t know how to feel about it all anymore.
Okay. Meet me at Baldwin Park at five.
I decide to meet him at the park because it’s safe and neutral. It’s not my home or his, and it’s not a restaurant or a bar so that it looks like a date. It’s just a casual meeting for a talk, and it can go either way. A moment later, he replies.
