Another Generation

by Roberta Kagan

  “Shit, Mark. A musical? About me?”

  “Yes, in a way it is . . . ”

  “You amaze me sometimes. Hell, most of the time! I can’t wait to hear some of the songs.”

  “John and I splurged and bought a used piano. So when you come next month, maybe after dinner, we’ll play some of the songs from our new show for you.”

  “I’m really looking forward to seeing you, Mark. Sometimes . . . most times . . . I feel like you’re the only family I have.”

  “Love you, Ab.”

  “You too.”

  Mark hung up the phone then he turned to John. “Abby’s coming to New York next month. She won’t tell me why she’s coming here. She says she’s meeting with someone.”

  “Hmmm. I hope she’s not getting into trouble again.”

  “Yeah, me too. Anyway, I told her we would have dinner with her.”

  “Of course, Mark. She’s your sister and besides, I like her. She’s . . . unique.”

  Mark laughed. “Great description for Abby. She certainly is unique.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  The table was set for three with a white lace tablecloth, and John had laid out their best china and flatware. He started cooking in the morning. He prepared a leg of lamb with roasted potatoes, a crisp green salad, and asparagus with an almond butter sauce. While the lamb was in the oven, he went out to the corner market and bought a bouquet of flowers in rich fall colors. He put them in a crystal vase and arranged them to create a magnificent centerpiece.

  “Everything looks wonderful, but I thought we were doing things casual tonight,” Mark said, kissing John. Mark had just walked in from his afternoon two-mile run.

  “It is casual, don’t you think?”

  “No. Flowers, china? Not casual. But I think she’ll love it.”

  “Well, I wasn’t going to serve burgers and fries.”

  “Abby wouldn’t have cared. You know Abby. But she will love this. And, more importantly, I want you to know that I love it. I am always touched by all the wonderful things you do for me.”

  “Tell me again,” John said.

  “Stop it. You’re teasing me.”

  “I’m sorry. But you really are so easy to tease,” John said laughing. Then Mark laughed too.

  “I guess I am,” Mark said shrugging his shoulders.

  “The long-suffering, unappreciated boyfriend. I have such pity for you. Please, Mark! Just cause I don’t tell you constantly, you should know I appreciate you and how wonderful I think you are.”

  “Give me a kiss,” Mark said.

  They kissed. Then John hit Mark across his backside with a dishtowel he’d been holding. “Now hurry up. Go take a shower and get ready for dinner. Your sister will be here in less than an hour.”

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Mark sat at the piano with John at his side. Abby sat on the sofa. For over an hour, Mark and John played tunes from their new project.

  “It’s wonderful,” Abby said with tears in her eyes. “You guys captured the magic of the love a child feels toward her first pet. This might sound strange, but I have had more boyfriends than I can count, and I’ve never felt the same deep love I felt for Buddy for any of them. There is just something special that four-legged friends give us that humans can’t.”

  “I don’t believe that, Abby. I just don’t think you’ve found the right guy yet,” John said, pouring Abby another glass of wine.

  “It’s not for lack of trying. It just seems like guys only want one thing. Then after you give it to them, they get bored. Some right away, others take a while.”

  Mark nodded and said, “I know it can seem like that sometimes. But there is someone out there for you. I’m sure of it.”

  “I don’t admit this often, but sometimes I get so damn lonely. I want to get a dog but I never seem to stay in one place long enough.”

  “Where are you living in Tennessee?” Mark asked.

  “Outside of Memphis.”

  “You like it?”

  “Not really. I’m living with this guy I met. It’s almost over between us, I think. He has a bad temper. Last week he pushed me. I’m going to leave him.”

  “Why don’t you stay here with us? Why do you need to go back at all?” John asked.

  Mark gave John a loving look. He is so damn good to me. The last thing he needs is my troubled sister moving in here. But he has such a good heart and he loves me so much. I wish I could tell him what I did that night when I cheated. I wish I could clear the air and start over again. I feel so guilty.

  “I can’t. I have to get back. I came here to pick something up and now I have to bring it back. Once I do, I’ll have enough money to leave Bill and move out on my own.”

  “What are you doing Abby?” Mark looked at her skeptically.

  “What I have to do, Mark.”

  “Are you selling drugs?”

  “How the hell did you know that?”

  “I guessed.”

  She laughed. “It’s not a big load. Just a couple of pounds of pot. No coke or anything heavy.”

  “Abby, don’t do this. Stay here with us and get your GED. You can find a job working at a restaurant. There is so much work in New York.”

  “I appreciate the offer. I do. But you guys barely have enough room for the two of you. This place is cute, but let’s face it . . . it’s small. The last thing you need is for me to move in here.”

  “We’ll make do,” John said. “You’re welcome here. Don’t go off and get into trouble. Selling drugs, even if it’s only pot, can land you in jail.”

  “Can’t stay, guys. Sorry. I have to keep moving. I suppose I’m looking for something. I just can’t say what it is.”

  “You scare me sometimes,” Mark said. “I worry about you.”

  “Don’t. I’m fine. I’m pretty street smart.” Abby smiled and winked. Mark gave John a worried look.

  “By the way,” Abby added. “You didn’t tell me too much about the wedding. How was the food? How’s the husband? I never met him, you know.”

  “The food was good. The new husband is a little boring, but Haley seems happy. However, the wedding turned out to be a disaster for me. For us, John and me. I don’t know what came over me, but I told Dad I was gay. He freaked out.”

  “Oh boy.”

  “Yeah, he tore his shirt like he was going into mourning. It was like watching an old drama on TV in the middle of the night.”

  “Poor dad. He can be so open-minded sometimes and so close-minded other times.”

  “Poor dad? How about me?” Mark said.

  “You’ll be okay, Mark. You and John are solid. You have what everyone wants. The real deal. You know what I mean? You and John are in love . . . real love. Not the bullshit I go through floating from one guy to another. You and John are forever.”

  Mark smiled. He felt the guilt from the night he strayed boil in the pit of his stomach.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  December 1990

  Mark kept in contact with his mother even though his father refused to speak to him. She called him two days after he returned to New York to tell him that Dovid had told her that he was gay but that she loved him anyway. She didn’t want to lose touch with him, so he called her every so often. When he called to wish her a happy Hanukkah, she told him that Haley was pregnant and due in early April. From this information, he surmised that she’d either gotten pregnant right before the wedding or on the honeymoon.

  “I’ll have to call her. I haven’t talked to her since the wedding. Is she mad at me for the fight between Dad and me at the wedding?”

  “She doesn’t know you fought.”

  “Does she know I am gay?”

  “Yes, I told her after your father told me.”

  “How did she take it?”

  “She was all right. She accepts you. Haley is like that. She is so kind and so good. What a good heart that girl has.”

  “How’s dad?” he asked.

  “He’s fine.”


  “He still hates me?”

  “Your father could never hate you, Mark. He’s shocked, maybe a little disappointed.”

  “Are you too, Mom? I know you don’t want to lose contact with me but I think you might be a little disappointed too.”

  “Yes and no. I would have liked for you to marry and have children. But I am glad you’ve found happiness. I’ll admit that at first it was strange for me. It was hard for me to understand. But Haley and I talked about it and she made me see that love is love, Mark, whether it is between a man and woman or two men. It’s still love. And love is always a beautiful thing. Someday, I would like to meet John.”

  “You should come here to New York for a week. Stay with us.”

  “No. I couldn’t do that to your dad. He would be so upset. I don’t like to upset him.”

  “I know. You never did.”

  “Your father is a good husband. He is a good father, too. He is just having a hard time with this. That’s all. He’s from the old country. Things were different; people were different when he was growing up. But remember this about your dad, your father is a man who is willing to learn.”

  “Mom?”

  “Yes . . . ”

  “Do you think he’ll ever come around? Do you think he will ever accept us as a couple?”

  “I don’t know anything for sure. But like I said, your father has always been a flexible man. He’s always been willing to listen to reason. Haley and I will keep talking to him about it. We will keep trying to explain that you are still his son, still the same boy. It’s just now he knows the truth. However, this truth was always there. Over the years I’ve watched him change with the times and I know that his heart is good. So all I can say, Mark, is I hope so.”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Haley was having morning sickness twice a day, when she first woke up and then again late in the evening. Before she got married, she’d been working as a substitute teacher for grammar school children. However, she felt so rotten these last few months that she turned down several assignments. Now the agency she had been working for had stopped calling her.

  Well, there’s nothing I can do. When I can’t stop vomiting I certainly can’t go in and teach. Kids take advantage of subs as it is. If they knew I was sick, they’d have a field day. Let’s face it—I’d probably get fired for losing control of my class.

  For the last month, Simon had been very busy at work. He was coming home late almost every night and claiming he had to go into the office on weekends. When they were engaged, he talked about getting his CPA. He had planned to open his own accounting firm. But now he didn’t seem to want to do that anymore. All of a sudden, he’d taken a real interest in the company where he was working. He was so devoted that he hardly had time for Haley.

  I’m not stupid. I know he’s up to something. But I can’t face it. Not pregnant with a swollen belly and a broken-out complexion. When I look in the mirror, all I see is ugly. My face is as round as a full moon and my hair, which is normally my best feature, now seems to look so drab and flat. It gets greasy within hours after I wash it. I am so afraid that Simon has found someone else and here I am, big as a house and going to have a baby. What am I going to do if he leaves me to raise this baby by myself? My parents will be so hurt and upset. I can’t take care of a baby by myself. Damn him. This pregnancy is half his responsibility.

  The phone rang. Maybe it’s Simon. Haley couldn’t help but wish it were Simon calling to say that he was on his way home. And wouldn’t it be nice if, for once, he would show me a little consideration and ask me if he could bring something for dinner? The phone rang again. Maybe she’d been imagining all of these problems. Perhaps things were really all right.

  All my life I have wanted to do the right thing. To have the perfect family. I thought that marrying Simon would do that for me. I really want things to work out with us.

  Again the phone rang.

  “Hello?” Haley said into the telephone receiver.

  “Mazel tov, Hale! It’s your brother. Mom told me about the baby.”

  “Mark.” Haley tried to hide her disappointment. “Yes! I’m pregnant.”

  “I’ll bet you’re excited?”

  “Very. I’m due in April.”

  “Wow. Five months?”

  “Yep.”

  “I’ll come in, of course, to see the kid as soon as it’s born.”

  “I know you will.”

  “Haley, you’re not mad at me about the wedding are you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Mom said she told you.”

  “Oh, you mean about you and Dad?”

  “Yes, Haley.” He had a moment of silence. “I came out. I’m gay.”

  “I heard. No, I’m not mad at you, Mark. Of course, I understand. Mom said Dad was pressuring you to get married and you had to tell him so he would stop. I could never be mad at you for that.”

  “Were you shocked when you found out?”

  “No, I always kind of knew.”

  “Really? You did?”

  “Yeah.” Haley wished she could talk to Mark about Simon. But she had never been able to share her feelings. Since she was a child, no matter what she was feeling, Haley always put on a smile. Now her heart was breaking. The carefully built world she’d created was crashing down around her.

  “And you never told me you knew?”

  “About your being gay? No, Mark. I figured you would tell me when you were ready.”

  “I suppose Mom told you about John and me.”

  “Yes. She said you were in a serious relationship with someone.”

  “He’s a great guy.”

  “I’m sure he is. I hope to meet him someday.” Haley was trying to be as nice and cordial as she could, but her mind and heart were elsewhere.

  “If it’s okay, we’ll both come to see the baby when it’s born.”

  “I’d love that.”

  “You know, Hale, in your quiet way, you have always been so wise.”

  She smiled. Her hand caressed her belly and a tear fell from her eye. “Am I, Mark?”

  “I think so.”

  “That’s sweet of you to say,” she said, but she thought I’ve made such a mess of my life. If you only knew.

  “Anyway, I have to run. I have to get back to work,” he said.

  “How is the play going?”

  “Okay.” He didn’t want to tell her that the play she was asking about had already closed and he was working as a waiter. He also didn’t want to tell her that after his last show flopped, he and John were now working on a musical together that was inspired by Abby. So he lied. It was easier to share his failures with Abby. She had a better understanding. Things always worked out well for Haley. Haley always made the perfect choices. She never seemed to be at a loss for what to do. Not like him and Abby.

  “Well, good,” Haley said. “I can’t wait to come and see it. But that won’t be until well after the baby is born. It’s so cold here it is hard to go outside right now and I couldn’t imagine flying to New York pregnant.”

  “Don’t worry. I understand. We’ll come to see you in Chicago when the baby is born. Then when the baby is a little older, you and Simon can come to New York and see the play,” he said. By next year he and John should have the new musical they were working on finished. At least he hoped so. Then they would have to find a playhouse willing to do the show. He could tell Haley that he closed the other one to open this one. He wouldn’t have to tell her that it closed because no one came to see it. No need to think about that now.

  “All right. Go on off to work. We’ll talk soon,” Haley said.

  She put the receiver down and plopped onto a chair. It was after six and Simon wasn’t home. She put a pot of water on to boil. I’ll make some pasta, throw some sauce on it, and try to eat, she thought. But her stomach was in knots and she doubted she’d be able to keep any food down.

  It was a typical Chicago winter, plenty of snow, ice, and fre
ezing temperatures. The neighborhood where Haley and Simon lived was decorated with Christmas lights. She thought about getting into her car and driving to Simon’s office. But what if I get there and I see something I don’t want to see? It could happen. Let’s face it; Simon is up to something.

  Every day, Haley tried to pretend that nothing was wrong. She talked to her mother in the morning and made sure that even though her heart was breaking she always sounded cheerful. By the middle of her second trimester, the morning sickness ceased. She was relieved, but where before she couldn’t eat at all, now she couldn’t stop eating. Her appetite and cravings were ferocious.

  I am eating to relieve the pain of this failing marriage, she thought. But she still couldn’t control herself. Simon would be at work late into the evening, nine o’clock, ten o’clock, eleven o’clock, would pass. She would call him at the office. He would answer and in an angry tone, he would tell her that he was working.

  “You want all the nice things my job provides. Well, how the hell do you expect me to earn the kind of money you need if you don’t leave me alone so I can finish my work?” he said, his voice harsh and cold.

  I don’t need that much, Simon, she thought. But instead of arguing with him, she would hang up and order a pizza, which she ate until she was so full that she fell into a deep, fitful sleep.

  Sometime during the night, he came home because he would be in bed when she woke up in the morning. He hadn’t wanted to make love to her for several months. When she suggested they make love, he said he was afraid it might hurt the baby. So she asked her obstetrician, who said it was fine. When she told Simon what the doctor said he said, “Why take the risk?” Haley knew the truth. He just didn’t want her anymore. All day she prayed to God to fix her broken life. She asked God to show her what to do to make Simon happy, to make him love her again. But no matter what she tried, he was short with her. He answered her when she spoke to him with one-word answers. But he almost never kissed her and if he did it was a quick peck, never passionate. She begged him to go to Lamaze classes with her but he said he was sorry but he didn’t have the time. “Work is so demanding,” he explained. She just nodded, wishing she could make herself believe him.