CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR
When they returned to the Levi’s house from the cemetery, Ida had everything set up for the Shiva. There was a bottle of water and a roll of paper towels so that the mourners and guests could symbolically wash off the unclean energy that might be lingering from the cemetery. The mirrors were covered so that the mourners did not have to look at their grief or be concerned with how they looked to others. A tall white candle burned in memorial to Dovid Levi on the fireplace mantle.
Trays of food and sweets were set out on a long metal table. A pot of coffee was freshly brewed. Ida handed Eidel a paper plate. “You and the children must eat first. The mourners eat first.”
Eidel looked at Ida. “I’m not hungry.”
“I know. But let me help you make a plate. Yes? You’ll try to eat a little something. All right?”
Eidel nodded. She and her children sat on low boxes that Ida set up. The family was in their stocking feet and each of them wore a black ribbon of mourning that Rabbi Mittleman had pinned to their shirts. None of them were able to eat much. The house was filled with people who had come to pay their respects and, because of this, the mourners were forced not to isolate. They had to try to talk to the guests. It was difficult for Eidel but Ida never left her side. She brought Samuel with her and introduced him to Eidel and the children. He looks a lot like Harry, Eidel thought when she met the kind man whom Ida had been keeping company.
Samuel stood up and offered to be part of the minion of ten men that Rabbi Mittleman gathered in order to say the Kaddish, the prayers for the dead.
Eidel heard them begin and she couldn’t bear to listen to the whole thing.
Yisgadal v'yiskadash sh'mei rabbaw (Amen)
B'allmaw dee v'raw chir'usei
v'yamlich malchusei,b'chayeichon, uv'yomeichon,
uv'chayei d'chol beis yisroel,
ba'agawlaw u'vizman kawriv, v'imru: Amen.
She heard the voices of ten men; nine of them had been Dovid’s good friends.
The sound of the Kaddish was so haunting that she got up, walked out of the room, and went into the bathroom. She closed the door and locked it. She covered her ears with her hands to drown out the Kaddish. The mourning prayers made Dovid’s death all the more horrible and real for her. She was unnerved by the loss. I need a moment to compose myself. There are so many people in the house. And, Dovi, my Dovi is not here. He will never be here again. We will never drink another cup of coffee together or eat our dinner together. I will never have the opportunity to say I love you again or to look into his eyes and feel his kind heart and the compassion he had for me and for the world.
Eidel could hardly breathe.
I can’t remember what life was like before him. I mean, I remember my mother, of course, and how much I loved her. But Dovid has been my life, my companion for what seems like forever.
“Dovi.” She said his name aloud. “Dovi.”
Her knees were weak as she turned on the cold water. She splashed her face until the water ran down the front of her shirt. She shivered as she heard the men saying Kaddish in her living room and it brought back the memories of when she’d worked at the Shul and the rabbi would ask her to call these very same men in for minions for other people who had died. She and Dovid were much younger then. How quickly the years passed. She recalled how strong her husband was when the Nazis threatened to march in Skokie. In fact, all of these men who were there right now in her home mourning the loss of their friend, along with Harry and her Dovi, fought against the Nazi march. And she knew that at least half of those voices now haunting her as they recited the Hebrew prayer were survivors of the Shoah, the Holocaust.
The cold water did not sober her. Once again, she wept. She leaned against the wall and sunk down to the floor as a river of tears flowed down her cheeks.
There was a knock on the bathroom door. “Mom, are you all right in there?” It was Haley. Of course, Haley had come looking for her. She smiled a sad smile. Haley. Of all of her children, Haley was the one she loved the most. She hadn’t meant for it to happen that way. It was just the way she felt. From the first time she held Haley in her arms, she knew that she and Haley were alike in many ways. The way she felt about Haley reminded Eidel of her relationship with Helen.
“Mom?” Haley sounded frantic and Eidel realized that she hadn’t answered.
“Yes, I’m sorry for not answering. I’m fine.”
“Can I please come in?”
“I’m coming out,” Eidel said.
Thank God, Eidel thought, taking a deep breath before she opened the door. The men had finished the prayer for the dead.
CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE
That night, after all of the friends and neighbors had gone home, Eidel was alone with Abby, Haley, and her memories. Mark’s friend John had arrived that day and the two of them had gone back to the hotel. Mark kissed his mother, promising to return early the following day. Ida offered to stay the night. She even offered to make Eidel a hot toddy in the hopes that it would help Eidel to get some sleep. Eidel thanked her but refused. “Go home with Sam,” she said. “I know you’re tired and you have been a great help to me today but you need to rest too. I have Haley here. Please don’t worry about me,” Eidel said and then she realized that not only was Haley staying with her, but Abby was there too. I have to remind myself that Abby is also my child. My poor little Abby. I’ve pushed her away for far too long.
“You’re sure?” Ida said. “Because I don’t mind staying. You stayed with me when Harry died. Do you remember? You sent Dovi home and you slept in my bed like we were young sisters. We talked about Harry all night. We cried, but we laughed too. I will stay with you tonight if you want.”
“No, Ida. I have to find the courage to talk to Abby tonight. I have been resisting this too long.”
“You’ve been through a lot. You can talk to her tomorrow and get some rest tonight.”
“I feel the need to do it as soon as possible. Those old feelings I buried in my heart were nothing but fear. I was afraid that by loving Abby I was betraying Helen, my mother. That was wrong. It was sick and it was wrong. When Dovi and I were alone in the hospital right before the kids came, we talked all about this. His last wish was for me to make things right with Abby.”
“All right. Do what you feel you need to do. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Goodnight and thank you, my friend.”
Ida walked over to Eidel and hugged her. “Goodnight. God be with you.”
Ida left.
Eidel searched her soul for an inner strength that she wasn’t sure she ever possessed. She said a quick prayer to God to give her the right words to say. Then she spoke in a whisper to Dovid, telling him what she was about to do.
The house was too quiet. It felt like a graveyard as Eidel knocked on the door to the bedroom where Abby was staying.
“Come in,” Abby said. The room was dark.
“Did I wake you?” Eidel whispered. Her voice was hoarse with emotion.
“No, I was awake. I couldn’t sleep.”
“Abby, I need to talk to you. Can I turn on the light?”
“Sure,” Abby said. Eidel could hear the skepticism in Abby’s voice.
“We haven’t always been close. I know that. And I want to tell you that the truth is . . . it was my fault. I am not sure if you can ever forgive me because my reasons for denying you the love you have always deserved are not fair or warranted. However, I must tell you why I behaved as I did. It is not an excuse. There is no valid excuse. I was acting purely on emotion, and I was wrong. But maybe it will help you to realize that nothing that happened between us was ever your fault. As a child, you were a beautiful good little girl. You should have been adored . . . ”
“Let’s not talk about this. Let’s just get through the Shiva and I’ll get out of here.”
“That’s not what I want. I want to talk, Abby. We need to talk.”
“Why, so you can get over your guilt? Don’t worry about
it. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine, Abby. You’re not fine at all. And I am telling you why. I know it’s my fault.”
“Mom? What are you getting at? That you didn’t love me? And you’re sorry? Okay, be sorry. I don’t give a shit. I know that you never loved me.” Abby’s voice was harsh and filled with anger. She sat up and wrapped her arms around herself.
“But I did love you. I always did. I was just confused, afraid. Not sure how to handle my feelings. I just couldn’t express my love for you, or understand why I couldn’t.”
“You had no trouble with Haley. You loved Haley and everyone knew it. Always.” Abby was upset and she didn’t realize it but she was yelling. “I was always on the outside, looking in the window like that fucked up movie we all watched one year during the Christmas season. Remember it? Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. I was the kid you never wanted.”
Haley came into the room where Abby and Eidel were talking.
“What’s going on in here?” Haley said. She went right to Eidel and put her arm around Eidel’s shoulder.
“Mind your own Goddamn business,” Abby said.
“Mom, are you okay?” Haley asked.
“Yes, I am fine. I am talking to your sister.”
“Why don’t you just get out of here, Haley? Not everything is about you.”
“Shut up, Abby. Mom just lost the man she loved, for God’s sake. Can’t you be a little kinder?”
“I have no kindness or empathy in me for either of you.”
“Oh, I see,” Haley glared at Abby. “You hate us and that’s why you missed my wedding.”
“Right. That’s why. Besides, Little Miss Perfect, it looks like your fairy tale marriage didn’t work out anyway.”
“You’re right. It didn’t,” Haley said her voice cracking like she might cry.
“Sit down, Haley. I have something to tell both of you,” Eidel said. “This is important. So, please, both of you . . . listen. When I was very young, perhaps three years old or so, I was a prisoner of the Nazis, locked in the Warsaw ghetto with my birth mother. Her name was Zofia Weiss.”
“I thought your mother’s name was Helen,” Haley said.
“Be quiet and listen. I’m not finished. I didn’t know much about the Warsaw Ghetto until I met Ida, but she told me that the conditions in the ghetto were terrible. Disease ran rampant and the Nazis gave the Jews such small food rations that there was an overwhelming amount of death due to starvation. Zofia Weiss, my birth mother, had a very good friend outside the ghetto. She was a Polish Catholic woman. Her name was Helen Dobinsky. She agreed to take me in and raise me as a non-Jew. There were big walls that surrounded the ghetto, but Zofia, loved me and so she found a way to have me smuggled out and sent to live with Helen.”
“You never told us this,” Haley said.
“No, I never told you this. I never wanted to talk about it. It was hard for me. For the first seventeen years or so of my life, I lived believing that I was a Catholic and that Helen was my birth mother. When she finally told me the truth, I was devastated. It took me a long time to understand and believe that Zofia Weiss gave me up because she loved me. I was also resentful and confused to learn that Helen wasn’t the woman who gave me life. Helen was my mother. She and I were very close. Very close. When she finally told me about Zofia she reminded me that Zofia came to see us when I was about eight. She asked if I remembered her. I did. And I also remembered that I was afraid of her. I didn’t know why. It took me years to understand why. I was afraid that one day she would return and ruin the perfect little world my mother Helen and I shared. I was also afraid that if I let myself love Zofia and understand the great sacrifice she had made for me, then I would be betraying my mother Helen. I had a million questions I wanted to ask Zofia, but much as I wished I could talk to her, I didn’t search for her as hard as I could have. All I can say is that I was afraid. All my life, I have been afraid. I am sure all this fear stems from my childhood, from events I cannot even remember. But I know this . . . my fears would have consumed me had it not been for your father and Ida.”
“So what does this have to do with us? With me?” Abby asked.
“I’m getting there. I had so many confusing feelings about Zofia. On the one hand, I was wanting to find her. And at the same time, I was wanting to never find her . . . ”
“Okay, so this still makes no sense,” Abby said.
“When your father and I came to America, I put the past, especially Zofia Weiss, out of my mind. It was easier for me not to think about her. I began to deny the truth. And for a while, it worked. Then you were born, Abby, and you looked just like I remembered Zofia Weiss looked when she came to see me when I was just eight years old. You still look like her.” Eidel smiled. “She was a beautiful woman. But, when you were born with a head of black curly hair and those ebony eyes, I was afraid of you. Seeing my child carrying the genetic makeup of my birth mother forced me to face the truth. And that brought on all kinds of feelings. Intellectually, I understood that Zofia made the ultimate sacrifice by sending me to live with Helen, but there was always something in the back of my mind that made me feel abandoned by her. Oh, Abby, I had so many mixed feelings that I couldn’t face. I was trapped in fear. Over the years, I have come to understand Zofia. The original blows have softened as I have aged. But the damage I did to you . . . well, that must be fixed.” Eidel was crying now, weeping, in fact. But she went on talking to Abby. “God knows, I regret what I did. I am more sorry than I can say. I wish I could change the past but I can’t. I want you to know that I take the full blame. I love you, Abby. You are my child. I don’t know what I can do except beg for your forgiveness.’
“Mom . . . ” Haley said, touching Eidel’s shoulder. “It’s all right. Don’t upset yourself this way tonight. You’ve been through too much today. Try and get some rest.”
“Please forgive me, Abby. Please give me a chance to prove to you that I love you and can be the mother you deserve. I can’t change the past. I would if I could. I would give up my life if that would heal you of what I have done to you.”
Abby got up and walked out of the room. Neither Haley nor Eidel said a word but they looked at each other. They heard the water running in the bathroom.
“She should have stayed at the hotel with Mark,” Haley said. “She upset you, Mom.”
Eidel was breathing hard. She was afraid Abby might do something to herself. Eidel reached into the pocket of her housecoat. Her fingers found the Star of David necklace. The edges felt sharp against her skin.
Haley and Eidel heard Abby go into the kitchen. Then they heard her talking.
“I think she’s on the phone,” Haley said.
“Who do you think she’s talking to?”
“I have no idea.
Abby’s hands were trembling as she dialed the Hilton.
“Can you please connect me to Mark Levi’s room?” she said to the operator.
“I’ll ring.”
“Thank you.”
“Hello?”
“Mark, it’s Abby.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, maybe, no. I have no idea. I am a mess. Mom told me this whole story about her past and what happened to her in Poland. Now she wants to apologize . . . ”
“For what?”
“For all the pain she’s caused me all these years, I guess,” Abby said.
Abby and Mark spoke for the next half hour. By the time they hung up, Abby was crying but she’d made a decision. She wet a kitchen towel with cold water and wiped her face clean.
Abby walked back into the bedroom where Haley and Eidel were still sitting. Abby looked at her mother. She never realized how small and delicate Eidel was. She was still angry but she realized that she loved her mother. Even after everything that happened, she longed for a relationship with her. “I hated you. For years I hated you because I couldn’t make you love me no matter what I did. I don’t understand why this story you just told me is even
relevant to what happened between us. It seems so strange and confusing. One minute you want to find Zofia Weiss, the next minute you don’t want her getting in the way of you and Helen. It makes no sense. But, maybe it does,” Abby yelled. Then she dropped her head and her voice as she shrugged her shoulders and continued to speak. “Sometimes I think life makes no sense. Especially when you follow your heart and not your head. A lot of things happened between all of us. All of us, you and me, Mom. You and me too, Haley. I guess that’s just family stuff. There’s always that gray area that is hard to explain. It’s not something that is logical; it’s all pure raw emotion. But what I do know is that I still need your love, Mom. Just like I did when I was that broken little kid. I still need you.” Abby began to weep. She put her hand over her face and sobbed uncontrollably for the unloved child she had been. Abby wept for Abby and for the memories she had of being just a little girl who prayed every night that she would miraculously wake up in the morning and be Haley instead. Poor little Abby. She thought about how, when she was just ten-years-old, she told her dog how much she wished she were Haley. She even remembered telling the dog that she was convinced that if she were more like Haley her mother would love her.
Eidel stood up and walked over to Abby. She took Abby in her arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry,” she whispered as she buried her face in Abby’s hair. Then she took the necklace out of her pocket. ”When my mother Helen died, she gave this to me. She said that Zofia Weiss had gone to great measures in order to have someone in the resistance bring it to Helen. Helen said that Zofia wanted me to have it. I want you to have it now.”
Abby took the necklace then turned and looked at Haley. “It wasn’t your fault. I am really sorry that I treated you like shit all these years. I was jealous.”
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