by Eoin Colfer
More B minor? Do you really think so?
Had he always been this obnoxious? How tiresome. Little wonder people in general did not like him.
The Present
Back in his own time, in his own house, Artemis the elder paused only to grab some clothes from the wardrobe before quickly exiting his study, warning Foaly and No1 to keep silent with a simple shhh. He moved quickly along the corridor toward the dumbwaiter shaft adjacent to the second-floor tea room. This was not the most direct route to the security center, in fact the route was circuitous and awkward, but it was the only possible way to pass through the house undetected.
Butler believed he had every square inch of the manor, apart from the Fowl’s private chambers, under surveillance, but Artemis had long since worked how to travel through the house without being picked up on camera. This route involved hiding in corners, walking on furniture, traveling in dumbwaiters, and tilting a full-length mirror to just the right angle.
It was possible, of course, that a hostile could figure out the same pathways, coordinates and trajectories, and therefore move about the house undetected. Possible, but highly improbable, and not without an intimate knowledge of nooks and crannies that did not exist on any plans.
Artemis followed a zigzag pattern down the hallway, a second behind a security camera’s sweep, then ducked quickly inside the dumbwaiter shaft. Luckily the box was on this floor, or he would have been forced to shinny down the cable, and shinnying was not one of his strong suits. Artemis reached outside and pressed the ground-floor button, whipping his hand back in before the descending box caught his wrist. While it was true that security would register the dumbwaiter descending, it would not set off any red lights.
Once at kitchen level, Artemis rolled onto the floor and opened the fridge door to shield his movement into the pantry. Deep shadows concealed him until the camera swung away from the doorway, allowing him to climb on top of the table and jump outside.
All the time, thinking. Plotting.
Assume the worst. Little Artemis is helpless, and Holly and No1 are already incapacitated. Quite possible if someone like Butler was mesmerized and doing the incapacitating. Opal is somewhere near the command center, manipulating my mother. It was Opal who could see the magic inside me. Not Mother. She peeled away the spell I had cast over my parents.
And: Of course B minor. If one starts in B minor, one finishes in B minor. Any fool knows that.
A suit of medieval armor stood in the main lobby. The same armor that Butler had put on to do battle with a troll during the Fowl Manor siege five years earlier. Artemis approached it slowly, his back flat against an abstract gray/black tapestry, which camouflaged him almost perfectly. Once concealed behind the suit of armor, he nudged the base of an adjacent mirror until it reflected a spotlight’s beam directly into the lens of the lobby camera.
Now his path to the security center was clear. Artemis strode purposefully toward the booth. This was where Opal would be, he was certain of it. From there she could monitor the entire house, and it was directly below Angeline’s bedroom. If Opal was indeed controlling his mother, closer was better.
It was clear from several yards away that he was right. Artemis could hear Opal ranting from a distance.
“There is another one. Here somewhere, another Artemis Fowl.”
Either the penny had dropped, or young Artemis had been forced to reveal their plan. “Find him,” shrieked Opal. “Find him immediately. At once.”
Artemis stepped quietly into the security control booth. A box room off the main lobby that had served in its time as a cloakroom, weapons lockup, and holding cell for prisoners. Now it housed a computer desk similar to those found in editing suites, and stacks of monitors displaying live feeds of the manor and grounds.
Huddled before the monitor bank was Opal, dressed in Holly’s LEP gear. She had wasted no time in stealing the fairy suit. It was mere minutes since Artemis had locked it in the safe.
The little pixie was multitasking furiously, scanning the monitors while maintaining remote control over Artemis’s mother. Her dark hair was sweat slicked, and her childlike limbs shook with effort.
Artemis sneaked into the room and quickly punched the code into the weapons locker.
“When this is over, I am going to destroy this entire estate just for spite. And then, when I return to the past, I shall…”
Opal froze. Something had made a clicking noise. She turned to find Artemis Fowl pointing a weapon of some kind at her. She immediately abandoned all other spells, throwing her efforts into a desperate mesmer.
“Drop that gun,” she intoned. “You are my slave.”
Artemis felt instantly woozy, but he had already pressed the trigger, and a dart loaded with a Butler special concoction of muscle relaxants and sedatives buried its inch-long needle in Opal’s neck, where there was no protection from the suit. This was a shot in a million, since Artemis was not proficient with firearms. As Butler put it: Artemis, a genius you may be, but leave the shooting to me, because you couldn’t hit the backside of a stationary elephant.
Opal concentrated furiously on the puncture wound, dousing it with magical sparks, but it was too late. The drug was already entering her brain, loosening her control on the magic inside her.
She began to sway and flicker, alternating between her real pixie self and Miss Book.
Miss Book, thought Artemis. My suspicions were correct. The only stranger in the equation.
Intermittently Opal disappeared altogether, shield buzzing in and out. Magical bolts shot from her fingers, frying the monitors before Artemis could get a look at what was going on upstairs.
“Now I can do the bolts,” she slurred. “I’ve been trying to focus enough magic all week.”
The magic shifted and swirled, finally etching a picture in the air. It was a rough picture of Foaly, and he was laughing.
“I hate you, centaur!” screamed Opal, lunging toward, and then through, the insubstantial image. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and she collapsed, snoring, on the floor.
Artemis straightened his tie.
Freud, he felt certain, would have a field day with that.
Artemis hurried upstairs to his parents’ room. The rug was coated in a pool of lumpy fat. Two sets of fairy footprints led from the turgid pearlescent puddle into the en suite bathroom. Artemis heard the power shower drilling against the tiles.
Opal used animal fat to suppress No1’s magic. How despicable. How horrible.
Young Artemis was studying the spreading mass of goo. “Look,” he said, noticing his older self. “Opal used animal fat to suppress No1’s magic. How ingenious.”
Under the noise of the shower were the sounds of retching and complaining. Butler was hosing down Holly and No1, and they were not happy or healthy.
But alive. Both alive.
Angeline lay on her bed, wrapped in a goose down duvet. She was pale and dazed, but was it Artemis’s imagination or had just a tinge of color crept back into her cheeks? She coughed gently, and immediately both Artemises were at her side.
Artemis the elder raised an eyebrow at his younger self. “You can see how this might be awkward,” he said pointedly.
“I can indeed,” conceded the ten-year-old. “Why don’t I have a poke around in your…in my study. See what I come up with.”
This is a problem, Artemis realized. My own inquisitiveness. Perhaps I should not have promised not to mind-wipe my younger self. Something will have to be done.
Angeline opened her eyes. They were blue and calm, peering out from tired, dark sockets.
“Artemis,” she said, her voice the rasp of fingers on tree bark. “I dreamed I was flying. And there was a monkey…”
Artemis shook with relief. She was safe; he had saved her.
“It was a lemur, Mother. Mom.”
Angeline smiled wanly, reaching up to stroke his cheek. “Mom. I have waited so long to hear you say that. So long.”
And with that s
mile on her face, Angeline lay back and drifted off into deep, natural sleep.
Just as well, Artemis realized. Or she may have noticed the fairies in the bathroom, or the contents of a fat barrel on the rug. Or a second Artemis lurking shiftily by the bookcase.
Butler emerged from the bathroom dripping wet, shirtless, paddle marks scorched into his skin. He was paler than usual, and had to lean against the door frame for support.
“Welcome back,” he said to Artemis the elder. “This little one is quite a chip off the old block. Gave me one hell of a jump start.”
“He is the old block,” said Artemis wryly.
Butler jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “Those two didn’t enjoy their dip in the barrel.”
“Animal fat is poison to fairies,” explained Artemis. “Blocks the magical flow. Turns their own power rancid.”
A shadow settled on Butler’s brow. “Opal made me do it. She…Miss Book approached me at the main gates as I was leaving for the airport. I was trapped in my own skull.”
Artemis laid a gentle hand on his bodyguard’s forearm. “I know. No apologies are necessary.”
Butler remembered that he did not have his weapon, and he remembered who did have it. “What did you do with Schalke? Knockout dart?”
“No. Our paths did not cross.”
Butler staggered to the bedroom door, Artemis hot on his heels. “Opal is controlling him, though he’s making her work for it. We need to secure them both right now.”
It took them several minutes to reach the security booth, with Butler pulling himself along the walls, and by that time Opal was already gone. Artemis ran to the window just in time to see the blocky rear end of a vintage Mercedes take the bend in the driveway. A small figure bounced on the backseat. Two bounces, the first time it was Opal, the second Miss Imogen Book.
Already her power returns, realized Artemis.
Butler loomed above him, panting. “This isn’t over yet.”
Artemis did not respond to the comment. Butler was simply stating the patently obvious.
Then the engine noise increased in volume and pitch.
“Gear change,” said Butler. “She’s coming back.”
Artemis felt a chill pass over his heart, though he had been expecting it.
Of course she’s coming back, he thought. She will never have another chance like this one. Butler can barely walk. Holly and No1 will be diminished for hours, and I am a mere human. If she retreats now, Jayjay will be free of her forever. Soon Foaly’s squad will arrive from Tara and whisk the little lemur underground. For perhaps five minutes, Opal has the upper hand.
Artemis planned quickly. “I need to take Jayjay away from here. So long as he is in the manor, everyone is in danger. Opal will kill us all to cover her tracks.”
Butler nodded, sweat running in rivulets through the lines on his face. “Yes. We can make it to the Cessna.”
“I can make it to the Cessna, old friend,” corrected Artemis. “I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.”
It was a sensible tactic, and Butler knew it was coming before Artemis said it. He was in such bad shape that he would slow Artemis down. Not only that but the manor would be wide open for any of Opal’s thralls to stroll in and exact her revenge.
“Very well. Don’t take her over seven thousand feet, and watch the flaps: they’re a bit sticky.”
Artemis nodded as if he didn’t know. Giving instructions comforted Butler.
“Seven thousand. Flaps. Got it.”
“Would you like a gun? I have a neat Beretta.”
Artemis shook his head. “No guns. My aim is so bad that even with Holly’s eye to help me, I would probably only succeed in shooting off a toe or two. No, all I need is the bait.” He paused. “And my sunglasses.”
CHAPTER 15
MURDER MOST FOWL
THE FOWL FAMILY currently had three aircrafts. A Learjet and Sikorsky helicopter, which were hangared at the nearby airport, and a small Cessna that lived in a small garage workshop beside the high meadow on the northern border of the estate. The Cessna was several years old and would have been recycled some time ago, had Artemis not taken it on as a project. His aim was to make it carbon neutral and cost effective, a goal that his father heartily approved of.
“I have forty scientists working on the same problem, but my money is on you,” he had confided to his son.
And so Artemis coated the entire body of the craft with lightweight superefficient solar panels, like NASA’s prototype flying wing—the Helios. Unlike the Helios, Artemis’s Cessna could still fly at its normal speeds and take passengers. This was because Artemis had removed the single engine and installed smaller ones to turn the main propeller, the four extra props on the wings, and the landing gear. Most of the metal in the skeleton had been stripped out and replaced with a lightweight polymer. Where the fuel tank had been now sat a small battery.
There were still a few adjustments to make, but Artemis believed his ship was skyworthy. He hoped so. There was a lot riding on the soundness of the little craft. He sprinted from the kitchen door, across the courtyard, and toward the high meadow. With any luck Opal would not realize he was gone until she saw the plane taking off. Of course, then he wanted her to see him. Hopefully he could draw her away long enough for LEP reinforcements to arrive.
Artemis felt the tiredness in his legs before he had gone a hundred yards. He had never been the athletic type, and the recent time-stream jaunts had done nothing for his physique, even though he had concentrated hard on his muscles during the trips, willing himself to tone up. A little mind-over-matter experiment that sadly had not yielded any results.
The old farm gate to the meadow was closed, so Artemis scaled it rather than struggle with the heavy bolt. He could feel the heat from the simian’s body high inside his jacket, and its little hands were tight on his neck.
Jayjay must be safe, he thought. He must be saved.
The garage doors were sturdier than they looked, and were protected with a keypad entry system. Artemis tapped in the code and threw open the doors wide, flooding the interior with the deep orange rays of the early evening sun. Inside, nestled in a horseshoe of benches and tool trolleys, was the modified Cessna, hooked up to a supplementary power cable. Artemis snapped the cable from its socket on the fuselage and clambered into the cockpit. He strapped himself into the pilot’s seat, remembering briefly when he had first flown this plane solo.
Nine years old. I needed a booster seat.
The engines started immediately and virtually silently. The only noise came from the whirring of the propellers and the clicks of switches as Artemis ran through his preflight check.
The news was generally good. Eighty percent power. That gave the small plane a range of several hundred miles. Easy enough to lead Opal on a merry dance along the Irish coast. But the flaps were sticky and the seals were old.
Don’t take her over seven thousand feet.
“We’re going to be fine,” he said to the passenger inside his jacket. “Absolutely fine.”
Was this the truth? He could not be certain.
The high meadow was wide and long, and sloped gently upward to the estate wall. Artemis nudged the Cessna from her hangar, swinging the nose in a tight turn to give himself maximum runway. Under ideal circumstances the five-hundred-yard grass runway was more than ample for a takeoff. But there was a tailwind, and the grass was a few inches longer than it should have been.
Despite these considerations we should be okay. I have flown in worse conditions than this.
The takeoff was textbook. Artemis pulled back on the nosewheel at the three-hundred-yard mark and comfortably cleared the north wall. Even at this low altitude he could see the Irish Sea to the west, black with scimitars of sunlight slicing across the wave tips.
He was tempted, for the merest fraction of a moment, just to flee, but he didn’t.
/> Have I changed utterly? Artemis asked himself. He realized that he was running out of palatable crimes. Not so long ago, nearly all crime had been acceptable to him.
No, he decided. There were still people who deserved to be stolen from, or exposed, or dropped in the deep jungle with only flip-flops and a spoon. He would just have to put more effort into finding them.
Artemis activated the wing cameras. There was one such person on the avenue below. A megalomaniacal, coldhearted pixie. Opal Koboi. Artemis could see her striding toward the manor, jamming Holly’s helmet down over her ears.
I was afraid of that. She thought to take the helmet. A most valuable tool.
Still, he had no alternative but to attract her attention. The lives of his family and friends were at stake. Artemis took the Cessna down a hundred feet, following Opal’s path to the manor. She may not hear the engine, but the sensors in Holly’s helmet would throw up a dozen red lights.
On cue, Opal stopped in her tracks, throwing her gaze skyward and capturing the small plane in her sights.
Come on, Opal, thought Artemis. Take the bait. Run a thermal.
Opal strode purposefully toward the manor until she snagged the toe of one LEP boot under the heel of another.
Stupid tall elf, she thought furiously, righting herself. When I am queen…No…when I am empress, all tall fairies will have their legs modified. Or better still, I will have a human pituitary gland grafted to my brain so that I shall be the tall one. A giant among fairies, physically and mentally.
She had other plans too: An Opalesque cosmetic face mold that could give any of her adoring fans the Koboi look in seconds. A homeopathic hoverchair covered in massage bars and mood sensors that would read her humor and spray whatever scents were needed to cheer her up.
But those plans could wait until she was empress. For now the lemur was her priority. Without its brain fluid, it could take years to accomplish her plans. Plus, magic was so much easier than science.
Opal slotted Holly’s helmet onto her head. Pads inside the helmet automatically inflated to cradle her skull. There was some coded security, which she contemptuously hacked with a series of blinks and hand movements. These LEP helmets were not half as advanced as the models in her R&D department.
